A/N: So I saw the promo for tomorrow's episode and I absolutely had to do this. As much as I hate that Degrassi's writers are making my baby miserable, I this golden opportunity and I absolutely had to take it.
Also, to my Hell's Heart readers, don't worry, an update is coming. The pause is solely because I want to see how the first half of the season ends before continuing and having to go back and change things a couple of days later.
Last night I drank for the first time in months.
It was such a simple statement, said in such a simple way. At first Holly J hadn't even really registered the words, or what they meant. Or maybe she had, and the pure shock they inflicted upon her caused her brain to stutter, for her mind to slip up, and for just a second, forget what those ten words that were strung together meant.
What did they mean, anyways? Sure, it meant Fiona had drunken again; the meaning to the words themselves were obvious enough. But it was the meaning lurking behind them that Holly J wondered about. Why had Fiona drunken, especially when she knew how serious her problem was, and when she had just passed her three-month mark of sobriety? When had it happened, exactly? Was it during the dead of the night, or while the sun still lurked on the horizon, staining Toronto red? What caused it, led up to it; what could have triggered her?
Holly J knew the answer to that one, at least. She knew from experience that some people were weepy drunks, or gleeful drunks, or depressive drunks, and she knew that Fiona was a lonely drunk. It surprised Holly J that, as soon as that thought had flitted through her head, more quickly than the speed of light just a nanosecond after Fiona's confession, that she immediately noticed a difference in the raven-haired beauty. She hadn't changed really at all in that nanosecond, but Holly J became aware of the way Fiona's chin tilted downwards in an utterly ashamed motion, how her lashes were thick and heavy with sorrow, and her striking blue-grey orbs peeked out from beneath them at her, as if both begging for forgiveness and reaching out for help.
Then came the fleeting moment of blissful hysteria; thoughts of oh she's kidding's and she must be lying, I was just joking with her about this the other day's. But then, that thought was gone as she saw Anya and Chantay's faces contort with the same shock she was feeling; if perhaps, a little less potent than her own feelings.
Holly J could feel her heart beating in her ears, then, and her mouth was completely dry. She wanted nothing more than to make everything okay in that moment, to wrap Fiona in an endless hug and brush her unshed tears away. She wanted to shout out the skies, and curse the fates, or gods, or whatever the hell higher powers there might be for causing such a wonderful, wonderful, person to be so hurt; another person may have thought damaged, but Holly J knew Fiona wasn't. Fiona was perfect. She was just afflicted by a lot of hurt.
But she couldn't do any of those things, because she had lost her place. She knew Fiona's aloneness was partially her fault; she abandoned her for a stupid boy she didn't even think about most of the time anymore. Instead, she watched as Chantay awkwardly offered non-support, chipper statements of it'll be alright's, while Anya gently rubbed circles on Fiona's back, leaning her head on Fiona's shoulder. Hushed you'll get through this's and I'm here for you's came from her lips.
Though neither of the girls noticed Holly J's lack of action, Fiona did, and Fiona knew Holly J knew she did. So it came as no surprise that when the redhead felt a single drop of moisture spill out from her eye and trail down her cheek, Fiona gently freed herself of Anya's grasp and brought her hand forward. Her fingertips were cool as they brushed Holly J's cheek, maybe a little rougher than she recalled. Even after she had banished the tear, Fiona's hand gently lingered, slipping down Holly J's face, neck, and shoulder before returning to her side.
No one cares about me; not enough to stay.
Once again, Holly J found herself unable to speak, unable to respond to the statement that she could tell was aimed at her. However, Anya and Chantay couldn't tell, so they responded all the same. I would stay another year for you Fiona, upgrading my marks wouldn't kill me anyways and I might not even make the cut, Fi. And I'll still be around. Even when I'm not, I'll keep in touch's were met with a weary smile from Fiona that read complete disbelief. And Holly J wanted to assure her it was true; they all cared, they cared so much about her. But she couldn't. It was as if her vocal cords were stuck, waiting for something that Holly J didn't consciously know she was waiting for.
Everyone thinks I'm a joke.
This one was met with loud disbelief that caused Holly J to cringe. Aside from the initial moment where her face had contorted to show her shock, her head whipping around, and when the tear had dropped onto her cheek, it was the only real motion or emotion she had shown since that fateful sentence. She cringed because it was so utterly cliche, but she knew, and Fiona knew, that it was at least partially true. Of course some people would think that, and Holly J could name a few snot-nosed freshmen that she knew sneered and made light of Fiona's plights when no one with strong affiliations with the girl was around.
No one loves me.
For once, there was silence from the other two girls, and Holly J found that in their inability to respond, she was finally able to. She found her hands shoot out, gingerly taking hold of Fiona's shoulders. Her blue-green eyes bored into blue-grey ones, and then she was kissing Fiona. A distant part of her could hear Anya's initial reaction of surprise, and then a throaty giggle and a well, then. But for the most part, her entire being was absorbed in the simple action of kissing her best friend. It was soft, yet urgent, mouths quickly opening to allow tongues access. Holly J slid her hands up to the spot where Fiona's neck joined with her jaw, fingers brushing the most ridiculously soft patches of flesh just below the girl's ears. She gently tugged, trying to pull her impossibly closer, and felt the action being reciprocated by Fiona, with her hands just above Holly J's hips. And in that infinite span of thirty seconds, neither girl could tell where she ended or the other began.
When they broke apart, Holly J suddenly became aware of her vocal chords loosening. Her hoarse voice sounded then, in the dead silence.
"I do. I always have, and I always will."
A/N 2: I'm not gonna lie, I giggled in the midst of writing Chantay's reply on how she'd stay another year for Fiona. x) Even in fanfiction, that girl doesn't ever graduate.