Okay, this is basically ANOTHER inside joke at Mangafox. You will not get it. And no, this isn´t serious, derp. Crack story ftw.
Read everything to understand why this happened, guys, lol.
-X-
Once upon a time, people believed in fairy tales. However, once upon a time, people believed in what they were told. But are the stories really what they seem? This particular one is about to tell you how the Fairy Tail story, in particular, really went.
A woman with red hair walked down the streets of Magnolia, her mind completely ignorant of what went on in the community´s everyday life. She had just left the house she secretly shared with her brother, whose name was Jellal. She had pretended to maintain a secret relationship with him as to not call anyone´s suspicion onto the fact that she was siblings with the man.
She sighed.
Life was particularly hard on her. Her objective in mind at the moment was live the only happy moments in her life. Meeting up with her true soul mate. He came from so far away just to see her face and it pained her their relationship had to be maintained a secret. As she arrived at their secret spot, an abandoned old house near the woods, she saw him, waiting for her. Along with him were eighty or so children, all grinning wildly when they spotted her. The man´s grin was no different. His flaming orange hair and small stature called for her and so did all the children they had created in secret..
"…Ichiya!"
"Ah, Erza, my honey!"
She ran forward and embraced the man, although he practically only reached her stomach. The children all ran forward and the little family was allowed their small, one happy moment.
In the city she had left, however, her brother was suffering no less. He stood at the Fairy Tail guild entrance and peeked inside, watching the guild master´s every movement. His heart ached as he forced himself not to enter the rowdy guild and scoop the old man in his arms. He just wanted people to accept who he was, his feelings and his whole. He had long since made his decision, however, as he turned back and made his way to the only clinic in the town. He had not wanted to do this, but if it meant it was for the sake of their future relationship, he would do it. He knew Makarov wouldn´t be interested in a same sex relationship, for he was a plain pervert and made no means to hide it. It was decided. That day Jellal would have a sex change operation and nothing would stop him.
It seemed like the city was overly busy that day, for a scream could be heard anywhere in it. It happened in a very small house in which´s door stood an equally small blue-haired woman, her eyes shining with unshed tears and a blush clearly formed out of rage formed in her face.
"Y-you…Gajeel…you…"
A black haired man looked back at her, his face emotionless. A woman was next to him, but she did not seem troubled by the outraged girl in front of them.
"Tch. Luna, get out of here. We need to talk, if you know what I mean."
The woman grinned and simply nodded, leaving the two apparently now ex-lovers to talk with each other.
"Gajeel…"
The man grinned maliciously at her as she called his named.
"What? You seriously had to expect that, didn´t you? Maybe I shouldn´t have let you even leave home to get groceries. I did lock you in the bathroom for a reason, did I not?"
Levy, the small woman, whimpered and looked down, her tears threatening to spill out at any second.
The man continued talking profanities.
"You are my slave, get it? And don´t come telling me it´s rape because it´s only rape if you don´t damn enjoy it. So get back in that damn bathroom and wait for me, get it?"
The man was intimidating and, as much she loved him, she had no choice but to obey. He could overpower her anytime she wanted. She slowly walked into the bathroom and waiting, knowing what was going to happen. Soon, he walked in and crossed his arms while she shivered and looked down again.
"Gi hee. I guess we can get to the non-rape already."
She closed her eyes and waited until it was over, for it was much easier to close herself from the world this way. When he was finished, she felt the door slam shut and the lock click, meaning she had no way out. Finally, her tears rolled down her face and she let all the pressure and heartbreak show in her face. This wasn´t the man she had fallen in love with and she wasn´t sure what exactly happened to turn him this way. She couldn´t take it anymore.
She got up, her legs almost giving away at her weight and grabbed a small pocket knife she had been carrying around ever since Gajeel´s behavior had started changing. She had hoped it wouldn´t come to this but her heart told her otherwise. Carefully, the slashed both of her wrists and laid back next to the bathtub, awaiting her bittersweet end.
She felt her whole body slowly fill with tiredness and finally, darkness engulfed her and she saw no more.
Meanwhile, Jellal left the clinic he had entered earlier that day wearing long robes covering his now female body. Having the operation been done by mages, the process sped up a lot and he was now a completely new person. She supposed she should change her name, it was not ambiguous enough, but all her mind could come up with was Jellalina at the moment, so she would keep it so. She had come prepared for this, as it had been planned from the start. And so, she threw the robes to the sky exposing her now long, red dress. and put on her new, blue wig and bright red lipstick. Jellalina was on her way to win Makarov´s heart. She would marry him no matter what. She ran her way back into the guild, not paying attention to two angry mages, one half naked and one sporting blue hair, cursing at her. They seemingly had been interrupted in the middle of their make out session by her robes hitting them in the face. Jellalina blamed the windy day and Sting.
A blonde haired man sneezed while his black cat eyed him suspiciously.
Levy suddenly opened her eyes. She wasn´t tired anymore, but she felt hot all over. Trembling, she got up and her eyes widened considerably. There were flames all over the place and her first thought was Natsu. But she quickly scolded herself for such a thought because as wild as Natsu was, he would never do something like this.
"You."
She quickly turned her head and a man stood staring at her. He had a very long beard and looked like a muslim. She blinked a few times and cleared her throat.
"Er. You look familiar somehow…can you please tell me where I am?"
"Of course I would look familiar. I know all about you, young lady. Or should I call you Levy? You read a lot while you were alive, you should know about me."
"Yes, well, I don´t quite remember. You still haven´t my question, though."
"I believe I have. I expected more of you."
She frowned. What was this man playing at?
"Well?"
She suddenly gasped. He had said she read a lot while she was alive.
"Am…Am I in hell?"
"Ah, well observed."
"W-why am I in hell? I have not done anything!"
The bearded man smiled softly, although to her it seemed like it was hiding something behind it.
"I brought you here."
"…What?"
"I have stalked you all your life, from hell. How do you think I know so much about you? Young Levy, I am Osama Bin Laden." She gasped at this. "What I want, I get."
"B-bin Laden? You´re a murderer!"
"And you´re suicidal, yes?"
Levy just stared at him like he grew an extra head.
"Now that this is settled, I have long since decided I do not want the virgins offered to me. I only want you, Levy McGarden. You. I know you have been mistreated in the past by that buffoon Redfox. I promise you I will treat you like the queen you should be."
Levy jumped back, clearly alert.
"I would rather be his slave then a murderer´s wife! I´m not interested. I´m leaving."
"Leave?" he merely laughed. " And you´re going where? You´re in hell. There´s no way out. Now, come, queen. I shall make you mine."
She felt her body move on its own and her mind slowly shut itself. She silently screamed before her mind was completely taken over, as she knew she was being controlled by the man.
Jellalina finally arrived at the famous Fairy Tail guild´s front door. Shamelessly, she opened it and walked soundly inside. A few of the men wolf whistled at her and she felt confidence in her newly obtained appeal. Makarov stood chatting with his son, who he had reestablished a close bond with somehow. They stopped when they took sight of her, expecting her to be a new mage wanting to join the guild.
Makarov smiled pervertedly and hopped off the balcon in which Mirajane should be working but was somehow missing. Curiously, Jellalina saw the Raijinshuu group sitting close to them, but Fried was suspiciously missing too. She decided not to think much of it.
"So! What´s your name, pretty lady? I´m guessing you´re wanting to join our fantastic guild, eh? After all, we are very famous for the best reasons!"
"Like destroying entire cities in every mission one particular team goes in?"
"Do you want to join or not?"
She was about to respond when she laid eyes on Iwan, Makarov´s son. She had never really paid much attention to the man, nor had she seen him up close before. And now, her heart was beating speedily in her chest, her palms were sweating and she was honestly considering jumping him right there.
"Hello?"
Makarov´s voice snapped her back to the present.
"No. And I don´t like you anymore you old perverted fart. Go away."
Makarov gasped.
"You disrespectful br-!"
She huffed and ignored him, making her way next to Iwan. Finding no words necessary, she simply grabbed his face and kissed him soundly.
The guild grew silent, until a blonde young man made his presence known.
"What the fuck?"
Iwan smiled dizzily.
"Um. Meet your new mommy, er-?"
She smiled dreamily.
"Jellalina!"
"Yes, that, Laxus. Jellalina is her name."
Laxus was about to comment on how her name sounded mildly familiar and how his father didn't even seem to know her name, but decided against it. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his new mother and whined.
"So this kid bullied me at a poker tournament today and-"
Jellalina wasn´t listening anymore. Were all Dreyar men this great? She smiled as she ruffled Laxus´ hair. She had a feeling she´d have a lot of fun in this family.
At Gajeel and Levy´s house, however, things were a lot calmer.
Gajeel flashed white and, in his place, a woman wearing an armor appeared. Erza smiled sadly when she saw Levy´s dead body laying next to the bathtub.
"Ichiya…I´m sorry, but I´ve always had the dream to have Levy, even for one night… I had to invent a Gajeel re-equip or I´d have no chance with her. I hope you don´t consider this cheating. I never intended to. And Levy… wherever you are, forgive me for all of this. I faked Gajeel´s personality disorder so I could rape you. I never wanted you to die."
She had a feeling she heard a voice that suspiciously sounded like Levy´s yelling ´I´m in hell, you moron!, but she ignored it.
She opened the real Gajeel and Levy´s room door, where a handcuffed and unconscious Gajeel lay. She threw ice, that she´d stolen from Gray while he´d been too busy in his affair with Juvia, at his head.
"DAMN IT WOMAN!"
She set him free while he held his head, clearly in pain."
"What´re those ice cubes made of, shr-. Wait, you? Where´s Levy?"
"Bathroom."
"What the hell happened? I smell blood!"
"Bathroom."
"Damn it, woman!"
Erza simply shook her head and left without a goodbye. She knew he had found Levy´s body as he heard a faint scream and muffled sobs and looked at the sky. She hoped Lord Sting would forgive her for her mistakes.
Suddenly, she stopped face to face with herself. The Erza who had seemingly come from the city rather than the house frowned and readied to battle. She wouldn´t make it, however, as the other Erza quickly hid herself. She almost screamed when she felt herself unexpectedly being lifted by an unknown force. In surprise, she slashed with her swords wildly to no avail. She squeaked as she felt herself being swallowed whole.
"Good job, Droy, you showed her!"
The fat man scowled at his fast friend.
"This is no time for praising! You know what Gajeel told us, respect our teammate!"
Jet instantly lost his smile.
"At least we had our revenge on Erza…"
Inside Droy´s stomach, Erza frowned as well.
"Revenge on me? For what? And doesn´t this idiot know the only person able to digest my armor would be Gajeel? Just you wait until I find my way out of here…"
And so, Erza plotted her revenge.
Watching the two men run for the house in which tragedy had fallen upon was Ichiya. His eyes watered at the sight of the love of his life being eaten alive.
"Men…!" he cried intelligently while a chorus of men!s was done by their children born of love.
Ichiya quickly asked a confused Lucy to take care of his children while he was away. She vaguely wondered why he had so many kids with him in the first place and why he couldn´t ask someone from Blue Pegasus instead. She quickly dismissed this, however, when Natsu stopped acting like a man altogether and decided to play with the kids. Let´s just say she didn´t want a half burnt house.
The extremely small man went to Fairy Tail for consolation and a worried Jellalina invited him over to her new house and room, which she shared with Iwan already. She remembered him for the Oracion Seis events so long ago and decided he did not deserve to suffer.
Boldly, she hugged Ichiya and let him his heart out in her chest. Sadly, this was the moment Laxus chose to come in.
"Hey, mom, guess wh-! What the fuck? What´re you doing to my mom? I´ll call daddy!"
Laxus grabbed Ichiya by the collar and shook him.
"No need to call me, sweetie, I´m here already."
Iwan stepped into the room, not really seeming bothered by the fact his new wife having possibly cheated on him with a midget.
"Now, darlings," he started, "let´s not resort to violence! How about some ravioli to cheer you all up? "
Had it not been because of his suggestive eyebrow wiggles, the comment would have passed off as innocent. Jellalina smiled, Laxus facepalmed and Ichiya gulped.
Still hiding was the Erza that had successfully not been eaten alive. She sighed in relief and cleaned the dust off her armor before glowing once again and turning into two quite strange creatures.
"Hehe!" one of them cackled.
"Master Lucy doesn´t know we´ve been in Earthland impersonating Erza all this time!"
The female one seemed a bit bothered, though.
"We should apologize, though." She stated seriously.
"Huh? Why?" Her male counterpart asked.
"Well, people died because of our little game… no biggy! Let´s just apologize! Afterall, we read their thought, we know what they wanted to do all along!"
"Besides, because of so many kids he created the world is overpopulated!"
"Hehe, okay then!"
And so Gemi and Mini closed their own gate, reminding themselves to be more careful next time they felt the need to play with the humans.
After the quadruple affair, Ichiya did not feel well. He had a feeling what happened could be considered rape, but he was too tired and in pain, both physically and mentally, to even care. He opened his eyes and saw a muscular and black haired figure in front of him. He was very pale and looked like you could walk through him.
"Men!" He screamed. "Are you a ghost? You have no natural parfum, nothing! "
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, even smaller shrimp. My name is Gajeel. I killed myself because my girlfriend also did and I went to heaven and she to hell, so it´s pretty much useless. Since I´m bored, I´ll kill you and take you with me. Life at heaven is boring, ya dig?"
"M-men?"
And then Ichiya fell to the side, body lifeless from a simple punch to the face from the powerful ghost.
In heaven, Gajeel cracked his knuckles.
"Hell, here I come."
With the help of a very disturbed and annoyed Dumbledore, Gajeel was finally sent to the bottom of the earth, most commonly called "hell". He gasped uncharacteristically, however, when he saw a frail, small woman sleeping in the arms of that who he recognized as a terrorist.
"What the heck you doing to my girl?"
Levy was still snoring away as Bin Laden smiled cockily and shook his finger.
"Your girl, you say? Look around, if you please."
Gajeel gritted his teeth, but willingly did as told. A few children were running around, playing in the flames and yelling incoherent things.
"You callin´ me to see kids? I don´t care, buddy. Now give me back my woman and we can pretend this never happened."
"You illiterate, ignorant buffoon. Those are our children. She doesn´t belong to you anymore! Leave before you have to face my wrath!"
"´M sorry, shrimp, but this guy´s asking for this."
Levy stirred in her sleep, as if she had recognized the voice before her. She had no time to wake up, however, as the whole place exploded, killing all its occupants. They would never realize what Gajeel had done, but it was for the sake of everyone. That relationship was vile, dirty and immoral. It could not continue, especially having been forced on her.
"So, little Asuka, did you like our story?"
A smiling Mira, transformed back from her Levy form, looked at the raven haired toddler. Her bottom lip shook and the little girl broke down in tears while Macao, also transformed back from Gajeel, looked at Mira, clearly not knowing what to do. He shook the Bin Laden puppet in her face.
"You didn´t like our "Gajeel the murderer goes to hell and kills Bin Laden and Levy" story?" Mira asked, concerned. "I thought it was educational."
The girl got up from her seat, screaming, and hugged her mother. She had witnessed Erza being eaten alive and now this? They had no idea their "invented" story happened in reality! Alzack glared at the two story tellers and cursed them in a whisper.
Macao shrugged. Who said the story was fake in the first place?
Meanwhile, while hell´s flames after the huge explosion burned everything in their sight, Ichiya rubbed his eyes and looked around.
"Now I´m in hell? Oi. Gajeel, I will get you! MEN!" He screamed, ignorant of the fact Gajeel had long since died in the explosion in the first place.
Back at the Fairy Tail guild, an ice mage and a water one were clearly very chummy with each other.
"She lllllllllikes you."
A flying blue cat approached them, flying, and giggling. Gray, the ice mage, threw his shirt at him, knocking him out.
"Yeah, she does, now go bother Lucy or something."
"G- Gray-sama. Y- your clothes."
The blue haired woman passed out on the groud, blood spurting from her nose like a fountain.
"Tsk, why does she do that? It´s not like I don´t do this every day. Oh, shit, I´m aware of it!"
"You, freak! En guarde!"
"What the fu-!"
Gray didn´t have time to finish the sentence before a silver haired man, also half naked, jumped on him.
"You, me, outside. Fight for Juvia."
"The hell you just told me? I don´t need to fight, I´m dating her, damn it!"
"Fight me, you pussy!"
"Pus-? You´re on!"
Juvia, who had somehow woken up screeched.
"No, no need, Juvia only wants Gray-sama!"
Her pleas were ignored as the two men angrily ran outside. Juvia ran around in circles before deciding to follow them. She bit her nails as the two threw punches at each other.
"All ~hic~ this fight needs is mud! A lot of mud!"
Juvia eyed Cana, who was drunk out of her mind, as always and cursed her. New rival in love in sight, she concluded.
Lucy sneezed in Natsu´s face.
"I´m never trying to kiss you again!" He yelled, running around looking for a tissue.
´Damn you, Sting! This is all your fault!´ the blonde cursed in her mind while all of Ichiya´s kids giggled at her misery.
The two ice mages continued to kick and punch each other. Sometimes, they´d go as far as a headbutt, but it seemed too painful for a constant attack.
"…Why don´t they just use magic?"
Wendy, the youngest person watching the fight, was the only one to think coherently enough, but she was ignored in favor of the fight.
"Take that you stupid cu-!"
"Eat this, you freak!"
Juvia continued to bite her nails as she watched. Blood was starting to spurt from her fingers from the punishment she was forcing them into.
" Juvia…Juvia kinda thinks this is hot…"
"Juvia-san, they´re ice mages…how is it hot? Shouldn´t it be cold?"
Charla grabbed Wendy by the hand and forced her back inside the guild, muttering about indecent perverts wanting to corrupt the young dragon slayer´s mind.
Juvia simply passed out again and the two ice mages ran to her, worriedly.
"Get out, I saw her first!"
"Well, I fell in love with her first!"
The two glared at each other, their faces only inches away.
"Now kiss!"
A random, unidentifiable and unimportant voice yelled.
"Gray," Lyon started, "let´s elope."
"Okay."
Juvia opened her eyes.
"WHAT? G-Gray-sama? I thought you loved me!"
"No one said you couldn´t come."
"Yes!" Lyon cheered, " we can have our happily ever after, all three of us!"
Juvia smiled. Well, she´d take it, as long as she could have her Gray-sama.
"But Juvia will only allow Gray-sama to touch her!"
"Aw…"
Gray silently cheered.
On a very humid and uncomfortable place, Erza heard the whole story.
"Damn it, I´m tired of being here."
She re-equiped into her Purgatory Armor and Droy died from internal bleeding. She huffed and left Jet to mourn for his only other friend.
"Why didn´t I just do that In the first place? Now where would my darling Ichiya be?" She wondered, not knowing she was in for the shock of finding out he was in hell, forever alone.
Pantherlily, feeling he wasn´t important enough to be mentioned in the whole situation, grabbed a mini Nirvana he had obtained in a local black market and killed himself in hopes he could find Gajeel and Levy again. Oh, boy, was he wrong.
BANG!
Suddenly, the whole world seemed to get brighter and brighter and the voices seemed to get louder.
Scared, Max opened his eyes and brought the broom he had fallen asleep holding closer to himself. He looked around and noticed he had fallen asleep in one of the guild´s tables. He had spent a bad night, worrying about the status of his broom who he´d forgotten at the guild, so he was incredibly sleepy by the time he got to the guild in the morning. He shook his head and looked around the guild.
Nothing seemed out of place. Mira was happily chatting with a lively Elfman, who was being scolded by a slightly smiling Evergreen. Gray and Juvia were sitting next to each other, blushes on their faces and he vaguely wondered what had happened. Happy stood flying next to the request board while Natsu and Lucy argued over what job to take, a knowing smile on his face. Lisanna was deep in a conversation with Levy, who kept stealing glances at Gajeel, who grinned at her very subtly. Erza sat alone eating a strawberry cake and had a dreamy look on her face, probably thinking about a childhood friend.
Max facepalmed. Everything had been a dream. Everything.
Is this what sleeping with a broom does to you?
-X-
Holy Sting, yep, this was long, crackish, but ended well.
Yes, hinted NaLu, GaLe, Gruvia, Jerza, ElfGreen and Fried x Mira. Derp.
Thanks for reading this huge…thing.