Jumping back into writing after a 9 year life and school hiatus. Main goal: keeping characters that aren't mind in character.
All usual disclaimers apply: don't own em, don't make money off em, just having some fun with characters I came to love, and trying to get my writing legs back before moving back into original stuff.
"Shit, Holder. Focus." He muttered to himself. He made a point of being present in every way for the members of his NA support groups, but it was almost impossible, this afternoon. All he could hear was her whispered "Bye" (was there a hint of agony in her tone? He'd like to think so, but he wasn't sure if it was agony for leaving or agony for actually baring her soul, willingly, for a change), and all he could think about was how it felt to finally hold her when he'd wrapped her in a fierce hug. And, he couldn't figure out if it was real, or just a dream. He could have conjured her up. God knows, he'd missed her enough. Missed their arguments, the crazy conversations, picking at her until she either got mad or actually cracked a smile. Missed finding a way through her walls - not over or under, but busting straight through sometimes. Kind of. They were some tough walls. He missed having her beside him, in that stupid car, exasperated at his jokes (he cracked them just for her reactions, sometimes). But mostly, he missed the way she saw him as something better than he really was. 1-900-Rockstar.
Or she had seen him that way. Until he'd fucked it all up. He wished for so many years to have the chance to apologize. To tell her he was sorry for not being there, enough, for her. He was going through his own shit too, but he should have realized how badly the guilt was eating her, how terrible it really was for her at that time. Maybe he should have fucking hugged her. But he hadn't. Afterall, she was Linden, tough as nails. She was stoic when the shrink walked away from her, and nonchalant when she pushed the ferry kid away... he didn't figure she was that overwrought over Skinner being out of her life, per se. The man had killed all those young girls, afterall. And in his experience, she didn't let anyone in, or get invested with the men she slept with. They just filled a void of loneliness. So he hadn't realized that she really, truly thought differently about Skinner, or how messed up she really was. He'd thought that Skinner had just broke her trust...not her heart. He should have noticed, but he was too wrapped up in his own shit, with the baby and Caroline and Riddick riding his ass to turn on his BFF. He wished he had realized what was going on when she pointed that gun at him. If he had known that she was preparing to confess, absolve him, and then run away before anyone realized she was leaving, he never would have just walked away. If he had known, he would have hugged her then. He had never hugged her before. Despite all the hell they'd been through together, he'd never have dared - he knew it would be enough to send her running. With only rare exceptions (and even then he had to take care), any physical contact had to be initiated by her.
This time, though? Why the hell not. She was already running, maybe even before he'd let his heart bleed all over his sleeve and asked her to stay. But that was the nail in the proverbial coffin. One stupid word out of his mouth, and all of a sudden she was skittish as a cornered rabbit, worrying about tickets - she wasn't worried when she parked there for gods sakes, and looking for a way to run. He did the only thing he could do, then. Let her go, say Bye, and hug her as hard and tightly as he could, trying to absorb and memorize the feel of her body against his, before she disappeared again.
"Stay." What was he thinking, asking that of her. If he knew Linden, and he used to know her better than anyone else did, that was an invitation for her to run. Stay. Look what's in front of you. Stay.
And that part...the one where she said that they were home. God. There she was, cracking his jokes - Ross dress for less 3 for one rack. There she was, in the flesh - and a healthier looking flesh - apparently she'd figured out how to remember to eat. Maybe. There she was, all awkard smiles and Linden eyes, and smiling at him, looking at him like he was so important, like he mattered, like he was better than he really was. Like he was oxygen. There she was, telling him that he was her home. There she was, apologizing for shit she didn't fucking have to apologize for. There she was, baring her soul in a exceptionally non-Linden way with her heart in her goddamned eyes. And there she was, panicking and running away. Whether she was scared of taking the chance on him, or scared of the City and what it represents in her mind, he will probably never know. And it hurt.
Oh, did it ever hurt.
He commented here and there as the day's activities wore on, tried to keep the meeting up beat and actioning, but he was pretty sure his flock noticed that he wasn't up to his usual energy flow. His Chi was all messed up. Finally, it was over.
"Ohhhkayyy, I know you're all sad to be leaving this fine establishment for the day, but you have a reflective journal entry to keep you occupied tonight, and we'll present them to the group at Oh-Ten-Hundred tomorrow. Be here, or be poor. Last one in brings Wednesday's Funyuns!" There was the scraping of chairs and chatter of his peoples as they filed out of the room, but even the general noises didn't drown out the word in his head. Linden. Linden. Linden.
She looked like she'd found peace. But not enough. Not enough to stay.
He breathed a shaky sigh and sat down backwards in a chair, resting his head on his hands on the back of it. God, she tore him up. Even Caroline hadn't managed to shred him like this, and she had birthed his little girl.
Linden. Had she even really been here?
She drove, mindlessly, aimlessly. She drove, down the paths they'd travelled together in that stupid car, smoking way too many cigarettes and having more spats than friendly conversations. Past the park, and the Larson's old home. She wondered how they were getting on, if the fractures in their family had healed. She just kept driving, thinking about the past, thinking about Holder as he stood in front of her earlier today. She stopped at the cemetery, Kallie and Bullet's final resting place. With a choked laugh she remembered how Holder, in the throws of grief, had tried to kiss her.
But after the way he'd whispered Stay to her today, she had to wonder if that almost kiss had really just been the product of grief, as she had assumed. What would have happened if she closed her eyes? She regretted not being brave enough to try.
Eventually she parked her car, walked to the water's edge, and just stared at the City of Seattle. It's just perspective, isn't it? he'd suggested. Was it? She concentrated her gaze. Was the City dark and dying? Full of death and destruction? Or life and possiblitities? She had finally come to accept that there was no bad guy, that life just was. Seattle had life, but did it have one for her? Did she dare try?
Could she bear to be without him again?
When he'd hugged her, she never wanted him to let her go.
He was her home.
But this city, it held nothing but the pain from her past.
And him. It held him.
She had to see him again.
His feet felt weighted with lead as he finished cleaning up and locked up the building. Heart heavy, he was just turning to start down the steps when a flash of white and blue caught his eye. And there she was. Again. He blinked once. Twice. And a third time to be sure, but there the car still was, except now she was getting out of it, with a small smile. He felt his face light up and he sauntered down towards her. He swore her smile grew. He didn't stop moving until he was a hair's breadth in front of her, hands in his pockets, and then he just stood there. Staring. Down into her face. She was still smiling, with something that looked like hope and uncertainty and love shining out of eyes.
"You came back." It was a question, but he worded it as a statement so that she couldn't talk her way out of being here again.
She nodded, her throat working, as if she was considering what to say but also scared to speak. "Did...Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?" His gaze bore into hers.
She cut her eyes away from him, took a shaky breath, and then back at him before whispering "Stay."
"Liiinnnnndeeennn." He drug her name out, exasperated. "Would I screw with you like that? If I don't mean it, I don't say it! Messes with my Chi." Bloody woman would be forever second guessing everything, he imagined. But if she stayed he'd gladly tolerate her inability to take things at face value. He'd tolerate anything to have her by his side.
She breathed out a shaky laugh, opened her mouth, and then closed it again. Her eyes were reflecting her soul, and he could see that underneath the hope, her soul was worried. Then he worried she might run again, so he pulled his hands out of his pockets and gave into the urge to touch her, placing a hand on either shoulder, anchoring her. He squeezed them gently.
"You came back." He stated again.
She broke eye contact and cut her eyes towards the sidewalk. He waited. Her shoulders shuddered under his grip as she breathed a shaky breath, and then slowly she raised her head and met his gaze again. "You aren't going to make a big deal out of this, are you?" Her words came out rushed, but her tone was wry, and she made some exaggerated attempt at rolling her eyes that made him chuckle. Classic Linden redirection.
"Depends. You staying? Or did you just miss your flight?" He winked at her so she would 'get' that he was joking at the last bit. She wasn't always so good at reading people, and he didn't want her to think he was insulting her. God knows, she'd probably take it personally and storm off like she used to. Difference is back then, he knew where she lived. This time, there was a whole big world for her to disappear into.
She got it this time, and rewarding him with a soft laugh. "No flights. Just me and the car." She looked at him, unsure of what to say, and then she gave a shuddering sigh. "I'm not brave, Holder. Not the way you are. I don't want this City. I'm scared of this city. It brought me so much pain." She took a breath. Swallowed convulsively. "But it also brought you. I want to be home."
"Home is me. And you. In that stupid car. You said it this afternoon." He reminded her, softly, as he let his hands gently massage her shoulders, memorizing the feel of their curves under his hands.
"Yes...but" her voice was barely a whisper, and he bent forward to better hear her.
"No buts, Linden."
She gave her head a sharp shake in frustration. "But... I might not be very good at this." She broke off with another shuddering breath
He couldn't help but move his hands again, tracing her jawline, cupping her cheek. "Quit worryin', Linden. I got your back. You're my BFF, remember?"
She let out a short laugh, her voice breaking partway through. He'd said that so many times, she remembered. Usually joking, cajoling, or just trying to get back into her good graces after he'd said something to piss her off. This time, though, his voice was soft, tender. Loving. And she saw everything in his eyes. "I don't deserve you. I've missed you, Holder."
He just smiled, gazed at her a moment longer before tucking a stray hair behind her ear and whispering. "Then come home. It ain't gonna be easy, Linden. But we'll work at it together. You don't gotta be perfect. You just gotta be you."
Her eyes fluttered closed, and when she opened them again they held a sheen of tears. Her mouth opened, and then closed again, and then opened, as she tried to speak. She swallowed convulsively, and her shoulders shook slightly under his hands.
"It's that simple, Linden." He could barely manage a whisper. His heart was in his throat as he waited for her to find the words.
She never did. Frustrated at her inability to verbalize, she finally just gave him a slight, jerky nod, her gaze locked on his.
"WHOOP! 1-900'S COMING HOME!" he hooted with joyous abandon before swooping down and capturing her lips with his. And then he was kissing her, and she was kissing him back. And he couldn't help himself, he lifted her off the ground and spun around.
"You're. Making. A big. Deal. Out of. This." She choked out between kisses, laughing through tears she barely noticed. He did notice, though, and he couldn't help but think that they were the tears of all of the angels smiling down on them, that day.
When they broke apart he wrapped his arms around and hugged her tightly to him, rocking slightly from side to side, his cheek on the top of her head. "It's the biggest deal in the world, Woman. You ready to get outta here?"
She pulled away slightly and beamed up at him. Positively beamed. He'd never seen the like of it on her face, ever. He couldn't quite keep up with her changing emotions and all these new ones he'd never seen her show, but he loved all of them. They were her. Her voice was soft, and slightly shaky, but she didn't hesitate with her words. "Yeah. Can I crash with you? Or should I get a hotel? I can get a room."
"Relax, girl. The dojo is ready and waiting. Plus, you're my ride."
"I am?" She let out a startled laugh. It was like being blasted back to, well...before.
"Yup. 'Cept this time, I'm driving." he shot her his boyish grin, oh how she had missed that insulent grin, as he swiped her keys.
"Hey!" She swatted at him, trying to snag the keys back with a laugh that was happier than anything he'd ever heard come out of this woman. It made him grin even wider as he ducked around her and slid into to the driver seat. She just stood outside the car, staring at him, a hand over her mouth, her eyes soft and shoulders shaking with mirth. He loved that look on her. He could sit there and stare at her forever. Except he really wanted to get her home, curl up on the couch, and hold her until he could finally believe this was real. He thought maybe she needed that too.
After waiting another minute while she stood rooted to the pavement, he rolled his eyes. "Yo! Linden. You gonna get in or what? Come one!"
With a final snorting laugh, she crossed around and climbed into the passenger seat. He slid his gaze towards her and smiled.
The first few minutes passed in silence as he drove towards his apartment. He worried that she was changing her mind. Her mind was mercurial, he remembered, and he knew that finding comfort and security in them would still be a journey for her. He was trying to think of something witty to say, something to make her laugh and break up the silence, something that would help him gauge where her thoughts were taking her.
Then, she let out a quiet chuckle. "I guess you spent your afternoon dialing 1-900-LINDEN, huh?"
"Don't you know it! and it appears I have received." He reached over, and twined his fingers with hers. He didn't let go until they were pulling up to his building.