The Hunger Games: An Abridged Script, a parodies and spoofs fanfic

THE HUNGER GAMES: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN:

Ext. DISTRICT 12, a.k.a. an APPALACHIAN LOOKING VILLAGE

JENNIFER LAWRENCE stands in a forest, aiming her arrow at a DEER. She misses.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

"Nice shot."

"Look, my character is supposed to be sympathetic. Killing Bambi right off the bat wouldn't help."

LH:

"Touche. Why don't I flush out some non-adorable birds for you to shoot instead?"

"Thanks."

"These HUNGER GAMES really suck don't they? Why do people insist on acting like pawns in the CAPITOL'S game?"

"Maybe they have no choice in the matter. At least, WILLOW SHIELDS, MY MOVIE SISTER, only has her name entered in the Tribute drawing once, so the odds of her not getting picked are totally in her favor."

(Under breath)

"Oh, who are we kidding?"

Int. The HUNGER GAMES REAPING

Everyone is wearing calico and cotton because they are dirt poor but decent.

ELIZABETH BANKS

"First, to hammer home the point that we are SADISTS, and also for those audience members who missed the INTRODUCTION, we will show a short HUNGER GAMES propaganda film."

Afterwards

"For our first Tribute, I choose WILLOW SHIELDS because she is, hands down, the most adorable contestant here."

"No! Wait! I volunteer to take her place."

"Well, that's a surprise for anyone who hasn't read the book. For boys. I choose JOSH HUTCHERSON in full interests of furthering the plot. Shake hands, you two."

They do, looking as if they'd rather chug a glass of hemlock.

"Always good to have friction between two CHARACTERS who will later FALL in LOVE. Now let's get going."

Int. A TRAIN

WOODY HARRELSON staggers into the room. He is INEBRIATED, and does everything possible to ram this point home.

"Forget about learning swordsmanship, finding shelter and building fires. If you want to win the HUNGER GAMES, you need to get people to like you."

"But I suck at that."

"That's what's called IRONY, sweetheart. Don't worry, by the end of the film, you'll be a pro when it comes to manipulating the media."

"You wouldn't be hiding a heart of a gold under that jaded exterior now, would you?"

"Now, don't get ahead of the PLOT, sweetheart."

Int. THE CAPITOL

Everyone is dressed like an extra from ALICE IN WONDERLAND because they are evil and decadent.

STANLEY TUCCI interviews the TRIBUTES. He looks uncannily like an OOMPA LOOMPA.

"JENNIFER, as anyone who's seen WINTER'S BONE knows, you can take a licking and keep on ticking. You may fall down, but you get back up again. Do you plan to continue this tradition once the GAMES begin?"

"Like I have a choice."

Pause.

"But I can make my dress look like it's on fire by twirling super fast."

"Cool! Next up is JOSH HUTCHERSON. JOSH, I bet you have a special girl rooting for you at home."

JH: "Actually, I don't because she….came here with me."

AUDIENCE, (melts into puddle of mush): "Aw!"

"Grrr! How dare you imply that there's anything romantic between us?"

"You're still not getting this whole charm thing, are you?"

Int. A big field

TOBY JONES

"Let the GAMES BEGIN!"

JL sits in a tree and checks her SUPPLY PACK.

"Let's see, bungee cord, check; wire, check - Crest White Strips TM, check. Sure is good to know that while I'm outrunning fireballs and dodging daggers, my teeth will stay pristine."

Cut to HUNGER GAMES CONTROL ROOM

EVIL GAMES MASTER WES BENTLEY (rubs hands, cackles with manic glee)

"That reminds me! Cue the FIREBALLS!"

JL RUNS frantically through the forest as fireballs explode all around her.

Falls into a RIVER

"Hey, I've found water. Lemonade from lemons, I guess."

PSYCHO TRIBUTE, popping out of nowhere with a bunch of others:

Not so fast! Kill the GIRL on FIRE. Slit her throat!"

"Good thing, I know how to CLIMB TREES. But what's JOSH doing with the PSYCHO PACK?"

Morning comes. JL is still in tree. She hears a noise.

AMANDLA STENBERG is in the next tree. She points at something that looks like an upside down clay pot with something buzzing around it.

Cut to HUNGER GAMES EXPOSITION ROOM

"TRACKER JACKERS. Their STINGS are HALLUCINGENIC. Sure wouldn't want to run into a swarm of those, ha ha!"

JENNIFER saws frantically at the BRANCH. It FALLS causing everyone to RUN AWAY.

JL getting down from tree and stumbling through forest:

"Am I HALLUCINATING right now or is it just the SHAKY CAM?"

Pauses.

"Rhetorical question, I know, I know." Passes out.

Int. DONALD SUTHERLAND'S LAIR

"Sir, I need advice on how not to mess up the GAMES."

"And you came to me why?"

"Because I am young and naive while you are old and play the same character in every movie in which you fondle your snow white beard and spout aphorisms."

"Precisely, so what do the roses in this film represent?"

"The soul-less sterility of suburbia?"

"Wrong movie, dolt! Go wax my chariot and think it over some more."

Ext. THE FOREST

JL looks around Someone has covered her arms with leaves.

"AMANDLA? I won't hurt you. Let's be allies, OK?"

"OK. By the way I looked after you and changed your leaves while you slept for two days.

"Thanks….Wait, why didn't the GAME MAKERS finish me off while I was unconscious?"

"Guess they have a sliver of heart. By the way, the TRIBUTES have piled all the supplies in a big PYRAMID and booby- trapped it with DYNAMITE."

"So what are we waiting for?"

JL succeeds in in dismantling it, but when she returns, can't find AMANDLA. When she does, she's been injured.

AMANDLA stoically pulls a spear from her side and dies causing much of the AUDIENCE to blubber into their popcorn.

Cut to AMANDLA's DISTRICT in which those watching start an AWESOME RIOT.

Ext. FOREST

"Attention, Tributes. There has been a change in rules, and if your fellow- is a POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST, you can both walk away from the GAMES ALIVE."

"Where's JOSH? JOSH? JOSH, you around anywhere?"

JH, under several layers of mud

"Oh, hi there. Long time, no see. Got STABBED in the LEG since we last met."

"Attention, TRIBUTES. Tonight there will be a feast at the CORNOCOPIA, which is that open area with the supplies. Each of you will get a BACKPACK with the THING YOU NEED MOST TO SURVIVE."

"JENNIFER, don't go. It's a trap.

"OK…"

Waits until he's asleep, then runs off.

Ext. THE BIG SUPPLY FIELD

ISABELLLE FUHRMAN appears and tries to strangle JENNIFER.

"Hey, you're the girl from ORPHAN. Typecast much?"

They tussle, but only ISABELLE is trying to KILL because she is a SOCIOPATH, while JENNIFER is just doing it because she has NO CHOICE WHATSOEVER.

"By the way, I killed AMANDLA. It was cool."

DAYO OKENIYI appears out of nowhere and bashes in ISABELLE's brains.

"Did I miss something? Gratuitous violence suddenly OK to show without fancy concealing camerawork?"

"Rule number one of THE HUNGER GAMES. The more adorable a dead Tribute, the more grisly the revenge her fellow Tribute is allowed to take."

JL: "Got it. Are you going to kill me, too?"

"Nah, this time you get a pass. Now go."

Int. THE MEGA-CONVENIENT CAVE

"You brought my medicine? Oh, JENNIFER, I think I'm….."

"What?"

"Glad to see you!

"Me too!"

(kisses him while audience re-melts into a puddle of mush)

Int. DONALD SUTHERLAND's LAIR

"Sir, we've run into a problem. No one wants to see both JENNIFER LAWRENCE and JOSH HUTCHERSON die. Or maybe it's either. At this point, I'm not sure."

"There's no problem. They both live because there's TWO SEQUELS. You, however, are not so fortunate. I like playing the Wise Mentor, but there are limits to my patience. You're not only foolishly sentimental, you're an idiot."

"But you were in HORRIBLE BOSSES, if only for ten minutes, so surely you know what it's like to make bad decisions."

"That's neither here nor there. Here's a question for you. What do a handful of these funky looking berries represent?"

"My death by suicide?"

"Excellent! See you've learned something after all."

Ext. THE GAMES GROUNDS

"It appears that DAYO has had the class to die off-screen, thus sparing the AUDIENCE another wrenching sight of a likeable character expiring. So it's just us left, and only one of us can win. So on the count of three, we off ourselves. OK?"

"OK."

Together, they bring the poison berries to their lips.

"Wait, wait, guys! We were just messing with you! You BOTH WIN, although only JENNIFER gets the crown."

"Well, since I'm ALIVE, it's not like I'm going to complain."

Int. The CLOSING CEREMONY

"Congratulations. See you in CATCHING FIRE."

"Like I have a choice. By the way, where's WES BENTLEY?"

"Dead. Just a pawn like you and JOSH."

"Well, he and WOODY HARRELSON were the only ones who didn't take this movie too seriously. He will be missed."

DS, strokes beard and looks enigmatic.

END