Oh dear me...yes, I am alive and writing. This is a project I've been working on-and-off on for the past several months since about July or so, and I wasn't going to post it at all, but I finally decided to for some reason. It'll probably be a fiveshot - I say "probably" because I've got three-and-a-half chapters written and may or may not stretch rest of the fourth into one of its own. We'll see.
I feel I should warn you that this is not a happy fic. Though you probably already know that, seeing as how Tragedy is one of the genres, but...yeah.
Perhaps at some point I'll stop tormenting my favorite characters. Not likely, though.
I've rewritten some bits of this so that it's canon-compliant all the way up to the end of the Sun Village arc. It ignores the next one completely, mostly because I don't know how that one's gonna end just yet. My apologies.
Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize as canon most likely belongs to me unless otherwise noted. Fairy Tail and all related canon belong to Hiro Mashima.
Warning: Implied and/or non-graphically described sex, heavy angst, character death, etc.
Pairing: Gray Fullbuster x Juvia Lockser
End of Silence
By: Saya Moonshadow
Silenced
She was asking if he wanted to go on a mission with her.
Having just gotten back the night before from a rather harrowing mission of his own (during which he'd been turned back into a kid for a brief period of time and had had to help unfreeze a town filled with giants, of all infernal things), Gray was rather reluctant to go out again so soon. And understandably so, he thought. He had no problem with danger - it was, after all, a staple of being a career wizard in a guild like Fairy Tail. He just wished that not so many of their missions as a team would wind up putting everyone through the grinder.
However, it was kind of difficult to not pay attention to Juvia when she was clinging to his arm like that, and so he took his eyes off the impending brawl between Natsu and Gajeel, and looked down at her. She was gazing up at him with her usual adoration, and Gray felt an odd lump coming to his throat.
It was probably sickness, he concluded, clearing his throat loudly. Magical exhaustion coupled with the annoyance of having this girl hanging off of him like a limpet, despite him telling her before his own mission that he didn't want to deal with her weirdness anymore.
Not that that would stop Juvia, he reflected almost sourly. She was in a class all on her own when it came to stubbornness. And yes, she'd helped him deal with losing Ultear by getting him to smile, but he really wasn't in the mood for this right now.
"Juvia..." he said warningly, and the girl actually had the decency to look embarrassed. She leapt off of him as though she'd been burned, holding her hands in front of her in a placating gesture as though she thought he was about to attack her or something - it was a gesture he'd seen countless times before, and he'd long ago concluded that it was left over from her days in Phantom Lord, where a man glaring at her meant she was about to get very hurt. And yes, while she was a strong woman and most of the guys from that guild had been weak as kittens, their Master had been a different matter altogether.
Still, he wished she'd cut that out. She should know by now that he would never deliberately harm her. Guild brawls and spars were another matter entirely - which she was aware of, having participated in many herself - but like this? No. He'd sooner die than strike her in this setting.
"Juvia apologizes, Gray-sama," she said fretfully, shaking her hands a little bit. "It's just...Juvia really does hope that you choose to accompany her on this mission!" She smiled up at him hopefully, and he felt something in him contract.
Oh, if Lyon could see this, he'd be shitting bricks.
"What kind of mission?" he asked. Might as well humor her a little...
She held up the request for him to see - the paper was slightly worn, and he recognized it as one that had been on the bulletin board since before the complete nonsense that had been the Grand Magic Games. He frowned at the ranking - an A-rank mission - and frowned harder at the brief summary below the picture taking up most of the page.
"Juvia, I don't think I could do this - it says here you have to be able to stay underwater for long periods of time, which I can't do," he pointed out, and nearly cringed as her face fell immediately.
"Oh, but...but..." She grabbed the paper back, reading it frantically several times before realizing that he was right. Gray was an accomplished Ice Maker, but he couldn't stay underwater for very long. Juvia, being able to become water, didn't have that problem. In fact, this kind of request could only have a very specific type of wizard handle it, and it seemed a little odd to Gray that it was even on the lower-classed bulletin board. Usually highly-specialized requests like this were ranked higher...though, to be fair, A was as high as it could get before turning into an S.
And as Juvia was not yet an S-ranked wizard by Fairy Tail's standards, she couldn't go on those kinds of missions. Something in him breathed a sigh of relief at that thought, and he curled his hands over hers carefully, making sure she wouldn't let go of the paper in her distress.
Her hands were surprisingly warm - as a water wizard, he always expected her to be of a cooler temperature, and so was always surprised when she was warmer. Then again, perhaps she just seemed warm to him. He was, after all, an Ice Maker and was thus much colder than the rest of the general populace. But the warmth of her hands was comforting nonetheless, and he found he didn't mind this contact. Unlike her sudden glomptackles, this was calm and serene and shared by them both, instead of taking him off-guard.
She took him off-guard in a lot of ways, really, but here and now, they were on equal footing. It was a surprisingly pleasant sensation.
"Stay safe," he told her, and though she drooped for a split second at the fact that he was refusing, she brightened up right afterwards.
"Juvia will!" She bounced up and down happily, her blue hair catching the light in an almost bewitching fashion. He had to keep his eyes glued firmly to her face - because what kind of guy looks at a girl's hair when there are other things to look at? - and gave her a smile, allowing it to grow wider when the pink of her cheeks deepened to red.
She bounded for the guild's entrance, turning only to stop and shout back to him, "Juvia will see you when she gets back, Gray-sama! Please do not worry about her!"
Rather than yell back at her, Gray lifted a hand and gave her a wave, which she returned eagerly. He ignored Mirajane's teasing coos and made a note to not sit at the bar for the next few days to avoid her heckling him about this.
And then Juvia was gone, her long hair shining in the sunlight she'd discovered thanks in great part to him.
Her mission was only supposed to take about a week, two if things got hairy, but two weeks came and went, and still Juvia didn't return. Gray didn't want to admit it to anyone, but he was beginning to worry.
No, worry was too little an emotion to describe what he was starting to feel, if he were to be honest with himself - which he was not. Some terrible thing was gnawing at the pit of his stomach, and it only grew worse each day that he walked into the guild and asked Mirajane if Juvia had returned, only to be given a deeply anguished negative.
But Juvia was Juvia, and this was a girl who had survived much worse than a little A-rank mission. Hell, she'd been on several S-ranked missions before she'd come to join Fairy Tail, and she'd only grown stronger in the time since then. He'd been particularly impressed with her in the final rounds of the Grand Magic Games, when they'd managed an awesome Unison Raid together and her hand had been so warm and had fit wonderfully in his and—
He cut off that train of thought quickly. Now was not the time to analyze the feel of Juvia's hands. Now was very much not the time to analyze that.
The Monday of the fourth week, Gray, having decided on the third day of her absence to not take any missions until she was back, had finally had enough. She was eight days late, and damn it all, he was going to go find her, come hell or high water.
But first, he had to go inform everyone of this. He knew Makarov had been seriously considering putting together a search team, and he intended to be on that team no matter what. She'd been gone long enough; it was way past time for her to come home, and he was going to find out just why the hell she was so late.
His trek to the guild was uneventful. His apartment was fairly close to the hall, and he enjoyed the early morning chill to the air before the sun fully came up. If he was lucky, he'd make it there before anyone else did, and he'd be able to hash out a few battle plans with Master Makarov...
Just as his hands were about to touch the handles to the doors leading to the guild hall, Gray stopped. There was a peculiar sound emanating from within, one he couldn't quite make out at first. Then, as it became louder, he realized that it was the sound of someone crying.
Juvia cried a lot, he knew, and his heart raced - maybe this was her, back and crying from relief at being home despite her delay. He couldn't stop the happy grin or the heat that spread across his cheeks at the thought of her being home again. The relief that engulfed him was dizzying, and he had to take a second to reorient himself. Oh, Gods of Ishgal, she was home! And now that she was back, he was going to make sure she knew just how worried he and everyone else had been.
But not before he lectured her on being so damn late! Gods, she was really gonna get it when he—
He threw open the doors, fully intending to march in and grab her into a hug before giving her at least twenty minutes' worth of scolding, but he stopped in his tracks when he realized that the guild hall was empty.
Juvia was not there.
Something unpleasant threatened to creep down Gray's spine, but he brutally shook it off. His hands twisted in the hem of his shirt, and he just barely managed to curb the instinctive urge to take it off.
To the right, near where the bar was, the crying started up again.
Moving quickly, Gray peered over the edge of the bar to the space behind it, and found himself looking at a sobbing Mirajane. She was kneeling on the wooden floor, clutching a piece of paper to her chest and crying her eyes out, her long white hair obscuring her face and deep, awful gasps coming between her sobs.
"Mira?" She jumped when Gray moved around the bar and approached her, calling her name softly. When she turned to face him, he saw that her eyes were very red and filled with grief, and her cheeks were streaked with tears. The last time he'd seen her like this had been the day she and Elfman had come home from the mission gone wrong, the one that had made Lisanna vanish for an entire two years - she'd been as good as dead, and for all extents and purposes, for those two years, she had been.
"Oh, G-Gray!" she cried, flinging herself onto him and burying her face in his chest. He felt his shirt become soaked instantly as she began crying once more, the paper she'd been holding fluttering to the floor. "Gray...Gray...I'm...I..." she whispered in between cries.
"What's wrong?" he asked her, feeling nervous. He was not exactly good at comforting people, and even worse at comforting crying women. And the depth of her grief made him very, very nervous. That horrible gnawing feeling was coming back in force. "Did something happen?"
He had to wait for her to calm down before she could answer him, because his question seemed to have made whatever it was even worse - she let out a little half-gasp, half-cry and clutched him harder, nearly squeezing the air out of his lungs. Carefully disentangling himself from her grasp, he frantically looked around for something - anything - to help him.
And then his eyes fell on the paper she'd dropped.
Very slowly, he bent down to pick it up, Mirajane having slumped in front of him with her hands covering her face. He straightened up before reading it, and the gnawing feeling in his stomach intensified.
The words at the top caught his eye first, big and bold and dark - "NOTICE OF DECEASED".
The gnawing turned into outright clawing. It took a very great deal of willpower to continue reading.
"To Master Makarov Dreyar," he read slowly, barely feeling the ground underneath him - had it fallen away at some point? "It is our great sorrow to inform you that a wizard in your guild of Fairy Tail, Miss Ju—" He choked, his eyes widening almost impossibly at the next words on that paper.
Someone was calling his name, but there was a terrible roaring in his ears, and he couldn't make out who it was. His whole body felt numb, and he was just barely aware of the fact that he'd dropped the paper and had moved his hands up to his face - when the hell had he dropped to his knees?
He couldn't...breathe. Something was blocking his throat, and the clawing in his stomach hurt, a physical pain this time - he heaved, and he could vaguely make out a cry as whoever it was who had said his name darted out from in front of him just in time to avoid getting thrown up on. He hadn't eaten anything the night before - too many nerves - and all that came up was stomach acid. It burned his insides and his throat and filled his mouth with a disgusting taste that almost made him throw up again, but it was nothing compared to the burning behind his eyes as tears - wait, tears? Why was he crying? When had he started crying?
A terrible noise tore from his throat. Mirajane would later describe it as the scream of a wounded animal.
Name. Name. Someone was lost, someone was gone, someone was...was...
"What the hell's going on in here?!"
"Laxus!" He could just barely make out the words being spoken. There were hands on his shoulders, and a worried face hovering just above his own. And rain was dripping on his face - no, not rain. The person above him was crying and so was he and her tears were too warm to be rain - oh God, rain, that wasn't—
"Laxus, help me, I think he's gone into shock—"
Larger hands, rough and calloused, grabbed a hold of his arms and dragged him around the bar, sitting him on one of the stools. They reached out again and steadied him when he immediately almost fell off.
They were talking again, those two voices - Laxus and Mirajane, but why was it so hard to register that? He couldn't understand what they were saying at all; his hearing felt oddly muffled.
He managed to move his head to stare at them - the blond man had grabbed the white-haired woman into a tight hug, and she was gripping him with all her might, crying into his chest. Over Mirajane's shoulder, Laxus was reading the paper Gray had dropped, and for the first time in a long time, Gray thought he saw sorrow on the older man's face.
Laxus crushed the paper in his fist, weaving his arm back around Mirajane to join the other one, holding her as tightly as he could. He looked over at Gray, who stared at the two of them, an expression on his face that made Laxus's gut clench.
"I...I'm really sorry, Gray," he said quietly.
Gray didn't answer him. Maybe he couldn't. He opened his mouth to try, but the words simply refused to form for some reason - what was he trying to say? What could he say? That it was alright? It was anything but alright; she was lost, she was lost, she was...was...
He let himself slump over on to the bar counter, not caring which way he landed. The burning behind his eyes wouldn't stop, even though the tears had stopped the instant he'd mistaken them for rain. Rain, this wasn't rain, rain was not...
It wasn't raining, but suddenly he felt like the sun had ceased to shine and never would again.
To Master Makarov Dreyar,
It is our great sorrow to inform you that a wizard in your guild of Fairy Tail, Miss Juvia Lockser, was killed in action on September 7th, X791, whilst making her way to the location of her assignment. Miss Lockser's body has been recovered, and the men responsible for her death have been detained. We will return the body to your guild immediately following the autopsy on—
The rest of the paper was illegible, the ink smeared beyond repair by what looked like a great amount of water.
Nonetheless, Makarov Dreyar very slowly placed it into a file he hadn't touched in nine years, and then buried his face in his hands.
An A-rank mission.
It was supposed to be a simple A-rank mission, nothing she wouldn't have been able to handle...
Somewhat cruelly, the sun was shining brightly as he stood before the open casket at her funeral. The Kardia Cathedral had been repaired after Natsu, Gajeel, and Laxus tore it apart during the Fantasia of seven years prior, and it was a beautiful setting for one of the worst days of Gray's life. Sunbeams floated lazily through the stained glass windows, casting multicolored reflections on the people sitting in the pews and on those who were lining up to pay their last respects.
Makarov himself had conducted the service - had demanded to, actually, and no one had even thought to dissuade him. Not that they would have had the heart to, even if it had occurred to them. The old man's voice had gotten noticeably thicker on the last few sentences of his speech, and he didn't even attempt to hide the tears flowing down his face as he looked down at the girl in the casket.
Gray felt completely numb. He wasn't the first to view her like this, and he wouldn't be the last today, but he didn't understand how he could be expected to move from this spot.
In death, she was beautiful. Whoever had dressed her up had managed to hide the horrible marks left by the elemental attacks that had killed her, covering her in a fancy, long-sleeved dress not completely unlike the ones she wore on a regular basis when she was still...was still...
It almost sickened him how it looked almost like she was only sleeping, like she could wake up any second now, and he might have been fooled if not for the strange blankness to her face. Juvia had exuded personality, even in sleep - there was always an expression on her face, always. When she slept, she smiled or sighed or scrunched up her nose, depending on what she was dreaming about.
This empty expression...this wasn't Juvia. Juvia was lost now...no, not lost, but gone. Gone, not lost, because "lost" implied that he could still find her again somewhere, and that would never happen.
No matter where he went after this, no matter how hard he searched, he would not find her, and for the first time since coming out of the stupor he'd been left in that awful day, he felt.
The split-second feeling of pain was horrible and wonderful all at once, and it almost destroyed him because this was Juvia and she was gone and he was at her goddamned funeral, and to not feel anything at all was fucking killing him. He could have laughed at how stupid that sounded, but it hurt to even consider laughing. Even smiling was so difficult now; he hadn't smiled since reading that awful paper with its damn impersonal message that she had been murdered. Remembering the words written on it made his heart twist agonizingly.
It was so stupid how he was contemplating searching for her when she was right in front of him. But she also wasn't at the same time, because her body no longer held life in it, and it hurt to realize that, for all extents and purposes, it was no longer her.
Juvia...didn't exist anymore.
"Gray?"
The numbness came back suddenly at the voice from behind him, and he whirled around to see Lucy and Natsu. Natsu had one arm around the blonde girl's shoulders, keeping her clutched to him. Both were dressed in black, which, while normal for Natsu, was not normal at all for Lucy. The Celestial wizard's face was streaked with tears, just as nearly everyone else's was.
"Gray, are you...alright?" she asked, gazing up at him. Even Natsu looked concerned, his usually happy green eyes looking dulled.
"I'm alright," he said, the words feeling mechanical and a complete falsehood, because no matter how many times he said them, they didn't help. No, he was not fucking alright, but he didn't know how to explain this to himself, let alone to anyone else. He tried to smile at her, but his lips simply wouldn't obey the mental command and he gave up.
He moved away from the casket - No! No, go back, go back! Juvia! Come back! - to allow them their moment with her. As he turned away from them to go back to his seat, he heard Natsu's low murmur of, "You're crying, Gray."
Ignoring the fact that this was one of the few times Natsu had called him by his actual name, he reached a hand up to his cheek and felt the remnant of a single tear.
When had he...?
He didn't know whether to be relieved or ashamed that Lyon had yet to acknowledge him, but the older man was in a world of his own, consumed by grief. The rose-haired girl next to him, Chelia, if Gray remembered right, wrapped an arm around him, and he leaned into her, trying to control his own sobs.
"Juvia...gods, Juvia..."
He'd already gone up to see her, and having to see him break down in front of everyone like that had been awful. But Gray was numb to everything, and nothing seemed to matter except for the fact that Laxus had just stood up from his place in the front pew, and - oh, Mavis, it was about to happen.
Laxus carefully placed both hands on the casket's lid, looking down at the girl inside of it for a short moment. And then he pushed, and the lid came down with a very final-sounding thunk.
It suddenly occurred to Gray that he had just seen Juvia for the very last time, and the world around him came to a violent stop.
Never again...no, she was gone now. Put away in a damn box like a broken doll, and she was...she was...
Pain stabbed at his heart before he desperately grasped for what remained of the numbness. He grabbed at his chest, feeling dull surprise at the fact that he was still fully clothed. Lyon was, too, he saw. Neither of them had made any move to strip at all - he hadn't done it since that awful day when that damned letter had come and she...
He felt nothing at all when everyone moved outside so she could be buried in the plot allotted to the members of the Fairy Tail guild in the cemetery behind the cathedral. Lucy's mother and father were buried somewhere near here too, he knew - he could see the blonde girl look in a different direction for a split second before her attention was directed back to the hole in the ground that they were going to lower Juvia's casket into.
Four large men employed by the Cathedral's funerary service carried the casket over to the hole that had been dug for it earlier that day, and they carefully began to lower it in.
Beside him, Gray felt Erza slip her hand into his. He looked up at her - when had she gotten there? She'd been near the front, with Mirajane and Laxus, but here she was now. The look in her eyes was sympathetic, and Gray had to look away before she made him feel again - gods, this numbness kept him from feeling, and he hated himself for being so grateful for that. Hadn't he just been happy to be able to feel something, literally only a few minutes ago? It hurt too much to even consider it anymore.
Erza knew only too well what it was like to have to bury someone she cared for, although some of them had not been dead and - yes, there Jellal was, standing in the distance with that pink-haired girl who'd been so friendly with Juvia - Merudy? Wasn't that her name? Doubtlessly Erza had called them both there for the services, and doubtlessly she would run straight to Jellal as soon as she could.
But for now she was here, and she held Gray's hand tightly as they watched those same four men who'd lowered Juvia's casket into the hole as they began to bury her. Each muffled thud as the dirt hit the wooden lid was horrible - each one threatened with increasing intensity to hurt him, and he saw Gajeel pull Levy to him as she began to cry again.
Goddamn it. He was noticing all these people who were together, at least in part - Natsu and Lucy were the first, having wrapped their arms around each other, with Natsu making hushing sounds into Lucy's hair as she buried her face in his chest; then Jellal and Erza, who seemed destined to suffer in some way or another; then Gajeel and Levy, who were now emulating Lucy and Natsu. And - no, damn it, not Mirajane and Laxus, too...
Why did the sight of them all together like that bother him so much?
Numb. He was numb. He couldn't feel anything, and he felt the blanket of nothingness constrict around him the longer he stared at the burial. It occurred to him that this must be what it felt like to be ice - cold, blank, nothingness. Was this how Ur felt after she used Iced Shell to save him and Lyon from Deliora?
And then they were placing the foundations for the headstone, and Erza's hand clenched around his painfully.
"It's OK, Gray," she said softly, brushing her free fingers across his cheek. A stray drop clung to her index. "You don't have to be so stoic."
When had he started crying again?
The weeks following her funeral passed by slowly, but Gray didn't remember more than a few snatches of every day. He lived in a fog, mechanically waking up, eating, going to the guild, doing missions, coming home, and falling asleep again. Often, he found himself repeating things he'd done just moments before, and was unable to remember how many times he might have repeated the same action.
On days when there were no missions to complete, he stayed in his apartment and cleaned. He had to keep busy, because the very idea of dwelling on anything that had happened in the past few months was a daunting one, and so each off day was spent organizing and re-arranging and scouring until his home was surgically clean - it bloody well gleamed, and it kept him from thinking too deeply about anything.
He had a slip-up five weeks into this odd routine when, upon going to wipe down the walls for the third time that week, he realized that there was nary a speck of dirt in his apartment. There was nothing else to clean. He'd arranged and re-arranged all of his furniture in practically every way possible before putting it back the way it had been before, and everything that could be spiffed up was shining with an unnatural cleanness that angered him for some reason.
Well, what the fuck was he supposed to do now?
Anger. He suddenly felt angry, and he had no idea why, but it was relief from the numbness that he had been trapped in since before her funeral, and he both hated and reveled in it for what it was not.
Not pain, just anger, anger, anger.
More than angry, he was practically boiling with rage, a new thing for him. Typically his anger manifested in short bursts, and when it was sated, he would calm down and go back to normal. He was usually better at controlling his temper than this, but he didn't care because if he stopped to think about it then he would begin to think about other things, too, and he couldn't have that.
And so, rather than trash his surgically clean apartment like he wanted to, he stormed over to the guild hall and landed a punch on Natsu before the other wizard even saw him coming.
Natsu gave as good as he got, but he wasn't the one going through this horrible fury that burned like lava in Gray's veins, and for the first time in a very long time, Gray came out the winner in their fight rather than having it be a tie.
He had no time to consider this, though, because as soon as Natsu went down, Erza stomped over and stepped over him in order to backhand Gray through the nearest wall. This was followed by a lecture about controlling himself and how just because he was hurting, that didn't mean he could take his pain out on his friends.
"We are all in this with you, Gray," she said, taking his hand again and squeezing it gently. The metal of her armored glove was positively frigid...had it always been that cold? "You don't need to do this alone. You just need to talk to us."
Talk to them? As if any of them know damn well anything about what he was going through! Not even Erza knew what it was like; she may have lost people, but she got them back, didn't she? She just plowed on through life, never stopping to let her ghosts catch up with her like they had at the Tower of Heaven. But she'd been able to have her stupid little happy ending-ish-thing; Jellal had come back and they were content to see each other whenever possible, infrequent though that was thanks to Jellal's continued status as a criminal.
Mirajane and Elfman didn't know what he was going through either, because though they'd lost Lisanna, she'd still come back to them, hadn't she? They'd gotten to see her again, and they'd gotten to keep her from then on, because she'd never been truly dead to begin with, just lost.
Lisanna had been lost, and they didn't know what it was like for someone to be gone, because gone meant not ever coming back.
But Juvia's death was nothing like Lisanna's had been. This was a very different kind of pain, even when they'd all thought she'd been gone for good. But what kind of pain was it, exactly?
He didn't know how to describe it, except that it hurt worse than anything else he'd ever felt, and it angered him that he didn't know. He couldn't quite draw up the blanket of nothingness, and he didn't know how to deal with anything without it. And so he allowed himself to snap back at Erza, and for the first time since he was ten, he picked a fight with her.
Unsurprisingly, she beat him into the ground, and when he woke up again, two days had passed and he was lying in the guild's infirmary with Wendy hovering over him, pressing her healing hands to his aching forehead.
"Are you OK, Gray-san?" she asked, her dark blue hair shining in the dim light from the lamp on his bedside table. He felt a lump coming to his throat and his eyes threatened to burn - Juvia's hair had shone just like that, the last time he'd seen her as she left forever. "Um, Gray-san? You have a weird look on your face."
"I'm OK, Wendy," he sighed, then closed his eyes and let her soft humming lull him back into sleep.
The anger was gone as suddenly as it had come, to be replaced again with the blanket of numbness, but it was less numb than it was simply empty. Later on it would go back to being numb, but for now, he didn't know which he preferred. Neither was quite preferable over the other, but at this point, anything was better than the rage he'd been possessed by for most of two days prior.
Emptiness implied something had been there at one point. Numbness meant not feeling at all, not acknowledging the something that had once been there, but he had no energy for either.
Sleep was a comfort to him.
"Gray-sama..."
Her hands are soft and warm on his back, and her lips are sweet. Gray is no lover of sweet things, but he literally cannot get enough of the taste of her lips. And her body...oh, gods, her body is the most amazing thing he's ever seen or felt.
He moves inside her, slowly, gently, not wanting to hurt her. He never wants her to feel pain, and his nerves are both on edge and more relaxed than they've ever been. It is an odd sensation, but one he finds he rather likes. More than likes.
He opens his mouth to whisper something to her, but her lips on his distract him, and he gladly gives into her until she must pull back for air. As she gazes up at him, he is surprised to see just how much emotion there is in her eyes, and it is wonderful to know that it is all for him. No one else, just him and him alone.
Coming from her mouth, his name is beautiful.
"I love you, Gray-sama."
Wendy woke him because he had just started making odd gasping cries in his sleep - like he was being tortured, she exclaimed - and she was afraid there was something wrong with him, that he was in pain because she missed a spot in her healing. "Tell me where it hurts, Gray-san, and I'll make it feel all better!" she said eagerly, passing her hands, which were lit up with a healing glow, over his clothed chest.
Something was hurting alright, but it wasn't the ache in his body from Erza's beating. His chest felt like it was about to split open. He couldn't remember the dream he'd just had, rarely ever remembered his dreams at all, but the feelings left over from it - mixed agony and euphoria - made him wish he could stop dreaming altogether.
A small part of him insisted, however, that he didn't want to lose that dream. It had been painful, but warm - he could still feel the warmth of...of hands...?
Gray couldn't bring himself to tell Wendy any of this, and settled for pretending like his left wrist was what was hurting him. He allowed the little dragon to fuss over him, and felt ashamed for being so relieved when she finally left him alone.
"The trial will be in a week."
Gray, just returned from a simple C-rank mission, looked up at Mirajane, who had just spoken. She was cleaning a glass behind the bar and wasn't looking at him as she continued. "The trial for...for the guys who did it, I mean. The Master just got word of when it'll be. Next Wednesday at 8 A.M., in Era."
Time seemed to stop for him for a split second while he digested her words. He knew without her having to actually say it that she was inviting him along - hell, he'd be surprised if the whole guild didn't tag along. "Who is going to be there?" he asked, trying and mostly failing to sound unaffected.
Mirajane bit her lip as she thought. "Some of the members of the Magic Council, I believe - if I remember correctly, one of them is presiding over the trial. As for who's actually going, I am, of course, and the Master has to be there to give testimony...and I think Laxus and Erza are both going..."
He nodded, having already come to a decision. If it was the last thing he did, he would make sure the bastards who took her away paid for it. He could feel the anger returning, but fought viciously to keep it down. There were better things to direct it towards, much better things.
"I'm going, too," he said. Mirajane gave him a small, sad smile and resumed cleaning her glass.
"We'll be leaving for Era on Tuesday night at 7," she told him. "Be here a half hour before that."
He didn't sleep at all that night, and around 5 in the morning, gave up and got dressed, arriving at the guild before anyone else.
Gods of Ishgal, this was boring. It had been an hour, and they were still just barely past the introductions! The freaking defendants hadn't even been brought in yet!
Makarov had rejected the idea of any of them besides himself being plaintiffs in the case - officially, anyway. They sat in the rows just behind his seat at the plaintiff's desk in support, and Gray couldn't have been more filled with nervous energy than he was at that moment.
He could feel resentment bubbling just underneath the nerves - why the hell hadn't the old man let them help prosecute the bastards? They deserved to be able to! Juvia deserved to have her guildmates, the people she'd cared for the most, avenge her against the people who'd ended her life! What in the hell was Makarov thinking? Was he thinking at all?
Unfamiliar with how criminal trials proceeded, Gray was forced to rely on Erza, who knew a fair bit about them. In a low voice as they'd filed in upon the courtroom doors opening, she'd explained that the witnesses were not allowed to be in the same room at the same time for up to a few days before the trial. Something about not wanting them to collaborate their stories together and lose valuable information, blah blah blah.
Gray didn't care about that. He just wanted to see these assholes destroyed, and he swore he would explode if they weren't convicted.
"Don't be surprised if they're not convicted right away," Erza had warned him as they sat down. "These things can take time, especially if not all the evidence is presented at once. But they can at least expect several years in prison for murder."
The last word had made Gray flinch and she'd looked horrified at her slip-up, but luckily for them both, they were spared by the arrival of the judge who was presiding over the trial. As Mirajane had said, it was a member of the Magic Council, though Gray was damned if he knew the guy's name. Not Gran Doma, some other person who he didn't particularly care about. Just so long as he made the right decision in the end...
He was jolted out of his reverie by the arrival of the three defendants, and he felt the anger become pure murderous rage at the mere sight of them. They looked like typical thugs - muscled and strong, with greasy hair and a generally sleazy air about them. His eye caught the mark tattooed on each of their right cheeks. So they were in a dark guild? Or a small-time one just pretending to play with the big boys?
There had been four at one time - Gray felt gratified that at least Juvia had managed to bring one of them down with her. The fallen man had been buried in an unmarked grave, as most criminals were when interred by the justice system of Fiore, to keep their resting places from becoming shrines for other criminals. Gray felt sick at the very thought of that asshole's grave becoming a shrine, and there was a vicious stab of pleasure at the knowledge that he had died messily.
He felt Erza's hand clasping his tightly, and became aware that he was half out of his seat. She only let go once he was sitting back down, and on his other side, Laxus threw him a sharp glance.
Behind him was most of the rest of the guild, missing only those who were either on missions or who had stayed behind to watch over the guildhall. It was a small, near fleeting pleasure to know that they all wanted justice almost as much as he did.
The trial began, and Gray devoured the proceedings with hungry eyes. Witnesses were called to the stand, one by one, the plaintiffs first. Citizens of the town Juvia had died in, each one testifying that the three men had been running around and causing trouble until Juvia had arrived. Technically she had only been passing through - the town she'd been heading to was a few miles west of that one - but after seeing for herself the kind of things they'd been doing, she'd taken it upon herself to try and stop them, spending most of two weeks gathering information and preparing to confront them.
Unfortunately for her, they possessed elemental-type magic - two of them were electric-based, which, Gray remembered with a wince, was her special weakness. It was those two who had ultimately caused her death, but not before she managed to crush the throat of the third man, who, according to witnesses, had wielded fire magic. The fourth man, the one sitting in between the two lightning-users, had apparently not had much to do with the actual fight - his magic, wind, wouldn't do much against someone like Juvia, who'd spent years on a team with a wind and a fire user.
Erza expected this man to receive a lighter sentence thanks to his lack of actual involvement in the incident. Gray sincerely hoped that he did not.
And then it was the defendants' turn, each one taking the stand and pleading their case. Disgustingly, they all pleaded not guilty.
At the high-pitched whine of the third man, one of the lightning users, Gray felt that horrible killing rage returning with a vengeance.
"But I swear, we didn't really do nothin'!" the man complained, staring beseechingly at the judge - the judge, in turn, remained completely unmoved. "She just up and attacked us; we were just defendin' ourselves—"
"And is four grown men ganging up on one teenage girl proper self-defense?" the judge replied sarcastically.
The man continued to whine, but Gray barely heard any of it. The roaring had returned to his ears, the same one that had been there the day he'd learned of her death, making it very difficult to hear anything that was going on around him.
They...they dared to say it wasn't their fault she was gone? They actually fucking dared to try and get off the hook?! Juvia was dead because of what they'd done to her! They deserved to burn in hell, the goddamn—
The feeling of both his arms being crushed brought him back to reality, and the roaring stopped so suddenly it would have been comical if not for the circumstances. He glanced to either side of himself - Erza had his right arm in a death grip, and Laxus was doing the same to his left. Both of them were staring at him - glaring, more like. Looking down, he saw that he had frozen the seat underneath him.
He hadn't even been aware that his powers had activated.
"Is anything the matter?" the judge called, gazing at the Fairy Tail group carefully.
"No, Your Honor," Erza replied, respectfully bowing her head. "Everything is fine."
The man eyed her for a moment longer, but then evidently decided it wasn't worth throwing them out just yet. Good thing he hadn't - Gray wasn't sure he'd have been able to control himself if it had happened.
As soon as the man had turned away to continue helping Makarov question the defendant, Erza turned a very angry glare on Gray.
"Are you trying to get us thrown out?" she hissed.
He glared right on back, opening his mouth to respond, but before he could, she jabbed him in the chest with an armored finger. "I know you're angry and hurting, but I swear, Gray, if you get us thrown out of here, I will never forgive you," she said in a low voice that no one else, save for perhaps one of the Dragon Slayers, could hear.
It took a minute to compose himself enough to be able to agree to her words, but he finally managed to nod, albeit stiffly. She didn't look completely satisfied, and kept a grip on his arm for the rest of the proceedings.
Gray was almost glad of it. It was taking more of his self-control than he'd have liked to admit to not jump up and simply slaughter all three of those bastards where they sat, whining and pleading that they hadn't done anything wrong, and he was grateful that Erza, at least, was willing to help him retain what little remained of his composure.
The trial proceeded, but as it did, he grew more and more anxious. What if they got a light sentence, or worse, got off entirely? What would he do then?
That wasn't even a question - he'd have no choice but to hunt them down if that happened. One way or another, justice was going to be served, and if he ended up being the one to do the serving, then so be it. Gray was not a vicious person by nature, but he would gladly make an exception for this.
They deserved worse than anything he could do to them, but he would make it as painful as humanly possible in the process.
The rest of the trial proceeded in an almost blur. He didn't know how much longer he was going to be able to sit there and - and listen to the all the things they'd done to her, but he was fast approaching his limit as each witness spoke their piece. Some of the accounts were nothing short of brutal, and more than once, he heard Lucy or Bisca gasping. A few times, there was a muffled sob, but he couldn't tell from who.
After what seemed like years, the final witness finished telling her story, and the judge called for an hour-long break, massaging his forehead as he did so. Erza stood immediately, and, gripping Gray's arm hard enough to bruise, dragged him from the courtroom.
Down hallways, past where other people were, until they were completely and utterly alone. She spun around, her arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently as she stared hard at him.
Gray eyed her warily. What exactly was going on? Was she about to beat him up for his behavior in the courtroom? If so, she really needed to just fucking get it over with - wait, no. If she did that, he might not be allowed back in, and there was no way in hell he was going to miss the sentencing. He had to make sure there was retribution, in any way possible...
"Are you going to be alright, Gray?" Erza finally asked, surprising him with how gentle her voice sounded - it was nothing like the harsh bark he'd been expecting. "This trial is most likely only going to last for today, judging by how it's been conducted so far, and their sentence might not be as...heavy as we hope it will be."
He knew that. Was already prepared to deal with it if it came to pass. There would be vengeance, one way or another.
"I need to know," Erza continued, still speaking in that gentle voice that almost made him want to punch her because he hated that there was even a need for her to use it, "if you will be OK in the event that they get off lightly. Because if not, then I will not permit you to go back in there, Gray. I want to hear it from you. Will you behave yourself?"
She was insinuating that he was acting like a child! What the hell did she know about any of this? Did she have any idea how hard it was to even imagine a world without someone in it? No, and she didn't truly know what it was like to be completely without them, either, because Jellal came back to her, and she was so goddamn lucky and she didn't even realize it!
He paused for a moment before this train of thought could continue. Yes, Erza did know what it was like to lose people - she'd lost several friends to the men who'd enslaved her when she was young, and she'd lost that Simon guy to Jellal's actions when the Heavenly wizard was still possessed by Zeref's ghost. She knew very well what it was like to lose people who were important to her. But she hadn't lost her most important person, so what did she—
He paused again at that. Most important person? No, Juvia hadn't been any more important than his other friends. She was someone he'd treasured dearly, but he treasured everyone in the guild like that, right? It would be the same if Natsu died, or Lucy. Or Erza. Or anyone.
And yet, he'd been unable to get rid of the feeling of having a gaping hole in his chest ever since her funeral and the realization that he would literally never see her again. Juvia would never again laugh, or cry, or get angry, or call him "Gray-sama". And it was still so very difficult to imagine his life without her in it, even though he was now going through that very thing.
"Gray?"
He looked up, startled out of his thoughts. Erza was watching him with a sympathetic expression on his face - what was she thinking? She'd been giving him that look a lot lately, and he hated it. He didn't want to be pitied, didn't want to be sympathized with, he just...wanted...wanted...
"Let's get some food before Natsu and Droy eat it all," she suggested, taking his arm again and leading him away in a much more gentle fashion than how she'd brought him here.
It was difficult to chew, and even harder to swallow the sandwich she shoved at him ten minutes later, but he somehow managed it, and had to keep himself from running back into the courtroom when the break was declared over. Fury and anxiety clawed at his insides - had a decision been made? What was going to happen to those bastards on trial? Would they get what they deserved from the justice system, or would he have to do it himself?
Patient, he told himself, but was unable to calm down, practically on the edge of his seat as the three men were led back into the room and forcibly made to sit on the uncomfortable bench on the defendants' side of the room. Makarov sat on the plaintiff's bench, looking just as anxious as Gray felt.
"I have heard enough here today," the judge announced, "to make a decision now. Multiple witnesses have been cross-examined, and too many pieces of evidence to count have been brought to my attention before this. My decision is made."
Gray edged forward, ignoring the hand Erza placed on his shoulder. His attention was fixed wholly on the judge and couldn't be redirected until he'd heard what was to be said.
"I pronounce all three defendants: guilty, with no other possibility."
Immediately, all three set up an uproar, only to be shushed by the Rune Knights standing guard over them. The cuffs around their wrists prevented them from using their powers, and those staffs held by the Knights were for more than just show.
"As for their sentence...after much thought, I have decided on life imprisonment, with absolutely no chance of parole or release. All three of you will remain in confinement until you die, no bail, no release, nothing. You will live out the remainder of your lives in there, and you will never leave."
The uproar at this was even louder, but Gray heard nothing else. Life imprisonment...the only thing worse that the Fioran justice system would dish out was solitary confinement. It was hard to think of a harsher method than that, or at least one that would leave the victim still sane afterwards. Humans, as social creatures, needed contact with one another. Without it, they would go mad, denied one of the body's most basic needs.
He snorted contemptuously.
Good. This was better than what they deserved.
He was mostly unaware of himself for the rest of the day, on autopilot, as Ur would have said. Each thought centered on the sentence and the way the three men had struggled as they were forced out of the courtroom. They'd been terrified, and the nastier part of him took a savage pleasure in this. Good. Maybe now they would know how Juvia felt when she...
Unexpectedly, pain flooded into his chest at the thought of her, but he managed to mostly push it back. It was hard to believe he'd been so angry before, because all he felt right now was exhaustion. He was so tired, and sleep sounded infinitely better than allowing himself to dwell on more of this.
When the group that was Fairy Tail made it back to the lodgings they'd been given for their stay in Era, he went immediately to bed, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
"Gray-sama...oh, Gray-sama..."
A hand, so soft and warm, cupping his cheek and bringing his face upwards to meet hers...she is on top of him, her legs on either side of his hips and she's rocking gently; his fingers dig into the skin of her thigh and lower back as he accepts her kiss.
This feels so good; why on earth had they never done it before? He would stay like this forever if that were possible, and he knows that if he were to ask, she would stay with him forever, too.
"I love you, Gray-sama..." she breathes, before gasping and arching beautifully as he angles his hips just so. Tears are beading in her eyes, and she lets out a sob, but she doesn't let her eyes wander from his, even as the tears flow over, coursing down cheeks that are flushed a wonderful shade of red, and falling onto his face. "I...I cannot..."
He leans upwards so that their chests are pressed together, still with that gentle rocking motion that is not unlike the waves of the ocean. This time, her kiss is a little salty, but that doesn't matter - all that matters is that he makes her stop crying because she looks like she's in so much pain and he can't bear for her to be in pain.
"Gray-sama..." she murmurs in between kisses, "I cannot..."
Why is he hurting now? He isn't crying, but damn it, something is wrong with both of them, and it isn't supposed to happen. He'd been so happy a moment ago. A sense of terrible loss is mixing with his happiness, and he doesn't like it. He hasn't lost anything, he has it all, she's right here, right here...
"Stay with me," he pleads her hoarsely. It's an effort to find his voice with his throat almost closing up from the burning of what feels horribly like tears at the back of it. "Please. Stay."
It's so important that she stays, but he can't remember the reason why. He just knows that it will kill him if she leaves him now. His arms wrap around her securely, but even so, he can't help the mounting fear that she will slip away at any moment.
"I cannot...I cannot..." She won't stop repeating this, over and over again, and then—
He woke up once more with the half-memory, half-feeling of warm hands on his chest, of salty water on his lips, and mixed agony and happiness in his heart.
Author's Note: I don't think this quite merits the full M label, but I'm trying to be as careful as possible. I don't usually write lemons, and even though the two up there are lime-ish at best, I'd really prefer not to get reported for mislabeling this. Though I guess even limes should really be put down as M...
Anyway, this is just the beginning for Gray. Life will be very different for him from here on out, that's for sure. Yes, I do think Gray has feelings for Juvia in canon, but I also think he's very much in denial about it. I used to think he was oblivious, but that one chapter where Erza was teasing him about it makes me think denial now. Here I'm going with my old theory, though. (Also, did anyone else get very happy at the small Gruvia moment in today's chapter? I just hope nothing happens to either of them...)
Please review and tell me what you think of it. This is only the first of five or six chapters, which I will be posting every two weeks on Sundays. I hope you enjoy what I've written, and that you will join me again in two weeks!