"It's my first fanfic so please feel free to post reviews...be kind but real!"

CHAPTER 1

In the months that followed I slowly begin to function again. Waking up to hunt, to slowly claim what is left of the pieces of my life. Bit by bit I regain the strength to go back and settle into a routine. Trying to accept that this is my world now, without Prim, without my mother, without Gale. I wonder what pushes me to wake up in the morning with a dull ache in my chest. And the smell of freshly baked bread reminds me. The bread was baked by Peeta. He's here now, still checking up on me, and it fills me with unexplained contentment that he is safe.

Slowly I regain my strength and learn to bathe again. Remembering how I must have looked on his first day back to District 12. How horrendous I must have looked, and I longed for him to see me again the way he used to see me. And though I tried to push him away, I still long to have him hold me like he used to. I long for his comforting words which were disturbed by the Capitol. Now he mistrusts me and himself. He mistrusts the memories that come in and out of his mind. He still continues to play the Real or not Real game. And I too remember how hard he fought to overcome. Sometimes I convince myself that he is fighting to overcome for me. But I am too selfish, and perhaps he is fighting to overcome me.

He still bakes, I hunt. He regularly checks up on me and Haymitch. What the three of us have is something that nobody can understand having gone through what we went through. We three have the same demons to battle in different forms. And yet it is only Peeta who is taking the high road by taking care of us. I remember Haymitch's words before the Quell…I could live a hundred years and still not deserve Peeta..

I greet Peeta stiffly as he drops the bread. He greets me in the same manner, being used to my cold greetings. But he doesn't know that I long to run into his arms and have him hold me again and let me know things will be alright. I long to have his arms around me to shelter me from nightmares that come when I sleep. I long for him to see me the way he saw the old Katniss. But these are secrets I keep to protect me from caring too much. I've learned that if I care too much I hurt them in the process.

"Katniss" I wake up from my revelry and looked at Peeta. "Your birthday is three days away, have you thought about what you're going to say at the party?" My birthday was to be celebrated by my District. If it were up to me, I would rather I spend the day in the woods, where peace and quiet remains. But I am the mockingjay and I no longer belong to myself. Inciting a rebellion and over throwing a government meant I am a symbol that everyone shares. And my 18th birthday is something the whole of Panem will celebrate. It's a blessing that I am restricted in 12. My sentence for killing President Coin is actually a respite. I would much prefer the company of my own people than at the Capitol. However it was agreed that I will still have to celebrate it and have it televised for all the other districts to see. As a sign of hope that things will be normal again. This was the compromise since other districts would want to know how the mockingjay is faring.

In reality, I would rather celebrate it with Gale in the woods, hunting. Or if I allow myself to acknowledge it, I would rather spend it with Peeta somewhere in the meadows and look at sunsets. But the meadows now are graveyards in our district and there aren't many places to sit down and look at sunsets in District 12. My home in Seam, even the Hob where I just eat soup is no longer. Yes, things have changed in Seam.

"What can I say aside from the usual thanks? You know I'm not very good at speeches."

"Well you could begin by being grateful you reached 18." Says Peeta. But am I? At 18 I have already lived a full life. I have witnessed enough horrors that a regular 18 year old should not have seen. I still maintain life would have been much simpler had I eaten the berries.

"I'm not sure if I am Peeta".

I can see the conflict in Peeta's eyes at my response. My dear Peeta, still optimistic, yet realistic. He's been trying hard to pull me to a better place when he has his own demons to contend with. "I know things have been rough for us Katniss" he muttered under his breath. "But I believe that there is a reason why we survived. And for that alone we should be grateful."

I shrugged it off and put on a weak smile to avoid arguments. It's much too early in the day, and it is my birthday so I let it go. "I know, I'm just grumpy at the thought of being old."

His faced relaxed a bit at my response though I can see that he is amused at me being concerned about age. But perhaps he too didn't want to start a fight on this day."Tell you what, why don't you go pamper yourself today by just vegging out? We can very well take care of all the preparations tonight. Plus I'm pretty sure your prep team will be here soon so if you plan on a very relaxing day, you may just get a couple of hours till they come."

"No, I prefer to walk. I'll just be out for a while and I'll be back before the team arrives." I thanked him for the bread and I got my burlap. He looked at me as if he was expecting something but dare not ask. He lifted his cup of coffee and smiled. I too am hesitant because I felt that though we are now civil with each other, things are not the same. I felt like I needed to give him a kiss on the cheek before I go but I wouldn't dare. A kiss on the cheek? More like a full kiss on the lips! What is wrong with me? I shake myself and left the house.

I walked the familiar paths leading to the ruins of my old home. I sighed a deep sigh I headed for the hollow tree where my bows still remain hidden. I paused and looked at the sky wishing for something I could not name. And I heard the softest footsteps behind me. I knew without looking he has arrived. My hands already set the arrow in place and turned and aimed it at his heart.

"There's more if you're still interested."