DISCLAIMER: Nothing is mine (including the song) but the plot.
Author's Note: This is a Sara songfic with just a hint of SANDLE. I expect there to be confusions, therefore, I've provided explanations at the end of the story.
Let Your Heart Decide belongs to K. Lundin, S. Thott, D. Thott and C. Björsell and is performed by Celine Dion. The song is fairly new and you can listen to it at celinedionweb (dot) com (slash) celine-dion (slash) en (comma) music (comma) unreleased-songs (dot) html or celinedionweb (dot) com (slash) celine-dion (slash) en (comma) videography (dot) html. Underlined and Italicised mean two personas are conversing. Normal font like this means ongoing story, #flashbacks# and /thoughts/.
Let Your Heart Decide
Sara was processing another homicide scene quietly. Her mind was reeling, not because of a case but a dilemma, and for the first time in her life, there was no heart in her work. She collected the scanty drops of an unknown substance in a vial. Her mind drifted when her partner squatted beside her and greeted.
"Wha - " A startled Sara managed to say, fingers slipping off the vial.
Greg caught the falling vial with practiced ease.
"Are you okay?" Warm and soft brown eyes stared at her, a small frown of concern gracing his equally soft features. She stared back, eyes unconsciously tracing the bridge and the contour of his nose down to the thin pink lips and smooth chin.
/I never noticed Greg has thin pink lips. They look so soft and nice and warm./
"Sara?"
Her sharp eyes continued outlining his jawline to the soft cartilage beside his head.
Greg leaned in closer into her face and called out softly.
This time, she snapped back to reality and pulled her head back a little.
"Sorry, I got uh, distracted," Sara mumbled a hasty apology. She tried to take the vial from Greg but he would not let go.
"Honestly Sar, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired."
Greg nodded and let her take the vial. He watched his mentor walked away, sadness weighing in his heart.
/No Greg, it's not like that./
I understand that you've met someone
With the perfect heart
But you've been questioned by everyone
Are you in the dark
Can you choose to fall
Should you risk it all
Come on Sara, you know you want him. So, why not go for it?
No, he deserves someone better.
But he's in love with you!
What if it's just a crush? Infatuation?
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They stopped talking and Sara felt tears sting the back of her eyes. She clutched the wheel tighter and tried to focus on the road instead.
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It's not.
There's a possibility right?
No, there isn't.
Why not?
Because there just isn't.
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Sara snorted bitterly.
/What a fairy tale./
But you know you want it nonetheless.
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Sara jerked her head to her right as the shrill ringing of her phone filled the car. The blue screen read Sanders, G.
With a quick glance at her rear view mirror, Sara stuck her earpiece in an ear. Before she could breathe a word, Greg's voice blasted alarmingly, "YOU ARE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, SIDLE!"
As soon as he screamed her name, a bullhorn blared and Sara panicked. An eighteen-wheeler was heading towards her!
She swerved out of the rig's path wildly. Unfortunately, it was not fast enough and Sara was thrown into her seat belt as the truck bumped into a rear passenger's side.
The car skidded to a halt as it chipped a rail guard. She slumped forward and rested her forehead on the wheel. Her shoulders shook and her breathing hitched. She stayed like that until someone tore her door open.
"Sara!"
She did not respond. It was as if she did not hear anything.
Greg felt the onset of panic settling in his quivering stomach.
He called out again, this time, he touched her shoulder. Slowly, Sara picked her head up. Greg's heart broke as he stared into her terrified face.
"Are you okay?"
Sara blinked blankly.
"Are you hurt?" Greg asked again, touching her shoulder encouragingly.
Sara frowned a little and shook her head unsurely.
"Okay. We need to get you out of the car. I don't think you're in any condition to drive anywhere," Greg said as he helped Sara to her feet.
Meanwhile, Nick was on the phone with Grissom, informing their supervisor about what had happened and the damages sustained. At the same time, he requested for a tow truck as according to protocol.
Greg took most of her weight and secured an arm tightly around her waist. He knew she was still in too much shock to respond properly. A quick glance right and left, and they took across the momentarily deserted road.
As they approached the waiting car, Nick wrapped a blanket around Sara and returned to the driver's seat.
"What happened?"
"I don't know," Greg shook his head, clearly puzzled as to what could have transpired to distract his mentor to such an extent.
The ride back to the lab was driven in silence, save for the quiet hum of the engine and Greg's frequent worried glances at Sara.
"Guys, I'm okay now. It's – it's just a little shock," Sara tried to reassure the boys, especially Greg.
"You sure?"
"Yeah," a little nod, "I'll be fine."
"Alright then. I'll see you around. Gotta get these to Trace and DNA."
Sara watched Nick turned a corner and Greg watched her.
"Don't you have evidences to submit?"
Greg just stared at her. She felt uncomfortable and squirmed a little.
"Those can wait."
Sara looked out of the window. She did not feel like losing herself into his expressive beautiful orbs.
/Sweet Lord, I still have to explain what had happened to Grissom./
"Uh, I have to go see Grissom," Sara said softly, chiding herself mentally for sounding so weak.
"I know," Greg said but he made no move at all.
"Listen, I know something's up. I'm here if you want to talk. Whatever is said will be kept in complete confidence," Greg said before parting ways.
Sara stood in mid-traffic as she watched Greg's retreating figure.
How am I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I'm on your side
And I understand you're the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide
Sara shuffled to her locker in the break room as the argument resumed in full force.
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She can't possibly love him.
That's not true!
You know it's fully plausible.
No, it isn't.
How could she love anyone when she doesn't have it?
Just because she hardly received any doesn't mean she has none to offer.
Yeah, and look what happened with Hank.
That's…two different matters.
Really? In what ways?
Greg's funny and sensitive.
So was Hank.
Greg's adorable and affable.
So was Hank.
Greg's…
Greg's what?
Greg's -
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"Sara?"
Sara turned to the doorway, looking up at the speaker.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Sara said, nodding once.
"You wanna tell me what happened?"
"Honestly? I don't know. I guess I was a little too engrossed with the case," Sara lied smoothly, hoping that Grissom would accept her explanation at face value.
"Alright. Just be careful. You might not be as lucky the next time round."
"Okay. And Gris? I'm sorry."
"I know you are. Don't worry about it," Grissom said and patted her knee in a paternal way before he took his leave.
Alone by herself again, the argument recommenced.
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As you were saying…
Greg's…a romantic.
So was Hank.
Greg cares for Sara.
So did Hank.
Hank cheated on Sara.
What makes you so sure Sanders won't?
…
Well?
He wouldn't.
And you know that how?
I…just do.
Not good enough a reasoning.
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Sara stretched and walked out of the break room after slamming her locker shut as the squabble continued. She stood a few feet away from the DNA lab where Greg was. He was hunched over the microscope. These days he was helping Mia tackle the mountains of evidences since the mass massacres of territorial gangs.
"Hey Greg, you got anything for me?"
"Yeah, the swab has 10 alleles in common with your victim," Greg said and he jerked his thumb to the other side of the lab. "The results are there."
"You look down, man. You okay?"
"Yeah, it's been a long day."
Warrick ruffled Greg's spikes. "A few hours more and you're done, G."
Greg scowled and swatted Warrick's long arm away and Warrick chuckled.
"See you around, G."
Sara watched Greg putter around the lab; the ever-ready Sanders smile was nowhere to be found and she felt a trace of guilt.
She knew. She knew that whatever was bothering her was also troubling him. Sara shook her head as the squabble escalated as she walked away.
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Why are you being such a stubborn bitch?
Why can't you be more realistic?
That is not the point!
Then what is?
Her feelings!
Exactly! But you're being self-centred!
How dare you!
I'm right and you know it! Why are you subjecting her to this…this…fairy tale?
This is NOT a fairy tale!
Yes, it IS! There is no such thing as THE ONE.
There IS! You are just too goddamn blind to see!
Oh really? What about her relationship with Hank? Her parents' marriage? Catherine's and Brass' marriages? Aren't those enough?
They are just unfortunate!
Uh huh, and look who's talking?
What has that got to do with Sara getting together with Greg?
Everything! Her parents' marriage didn't survive. What are you trying to do?
What do you mean? I only want the best for her. What's wrong with that?
This is what's wrong: You want the misfortune to befall her. THAT'S what's wrong!
What! NO! Just because her parents' didn't work out doesn't mean hers won't!
For the love of Lord, be realistic would you!
I'M being realistic! YOU'RE the one being unreasonable.
Nonsense! Do you have idea what the divorce rate in Nevada is? A 9.0 per 1 000 couples and Nevada is at the top of the divorce rate list! Is that what you want for her!
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Sara's thought was interrupted when she accidentally bumped into the Trace Lab Tech. David Hodges cursed and swore as he watched helplessly at the spilt hydrogen peroxide contaminating one of his samples.
Sara twirled around a little too fast and ended up hitting a passing Warrick in the head with the folder in her hand.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry," Sara apologised profusely to Warrick as she rubbed at the sore spot.
"It's okay, Sara. It's nothing."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Where are you heading to?" Warrick asked as he eyed the folder.
"Grissom's office."
"Then what are you doing here?" was Hodges' bitter question. "You know, you're really lucky I decided to cut up the sample into smaller pieces."
"Sorry," Sara squeaked, "Uh, I think I was sleepwalking. Don't mind me. I'll be going now."
Sara waved and when she turned to walk out of the room, her folder got caught below Hodges' belt. Hodges gasped painfully and let loose another blue streak, and Sara muttered an embarrassed apology, ducking out of the room quickly as Warrick snickered.
/Just what is wrong with me today! First, Greg, then Grissom and now, Warrick and Hodges./
Sara Sidle was clearly angry with herself, disappointed too. Never had she came across a situation where she could not do something about.
/It's so simple yet I can't make a sense out of it. It's just so…wrong./
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Wait a minute! Whoever said anything about marrying? And why are you so adamant they're going to divorce when they're not even a couple?
Okay, so I jumped too far ahead. But still!
What? You don't think she deserves love from anyone? Not even a colleague?
You know, she's really strong. Sara practically grew up on her own and how did she turn out? She turned out fine, a law-abiding and contributing citizen of the United States.
She grew up with no love, mind you. There's no love too when she was bounced from one foster family to another.
That's not true! She loved her parents.
No she didn't but she didn't hate them either.
Until her mother stabbed her father.
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Sara grimaced. She knew they would pick apart her life history and would eventually end up on her loveless self. She just did not expect it to be that soon.
/I better get this folder to Grissom before there is some serious damage done in here./
There he was, thumbing through a thick volume. She smiled a small smile as she remembered her famous crush on her supervisor. Sadly, he did not reciprocate her feelings and she had closed all doors to her heart since then.
"Hey," Sara greeted. "More paperwork for you."
"Sara, would you please take a seat?"
Sara's stomach plunged at the unexpected request but still she sat down. She prayed Grissom wanted to talk to her about the case but she knew it would not be.
Grissom removed his reading glasses and stared Sara in the eye.
"I think you should know that I did not buy your explanation from the beginning."
Sara blushed crimson.
"This…thing…has been happening for some time and it has affected your work. I am very concerned however that you don't seem to notice this."
"Notice what?"
Grissom sighed. "Last Monday, you rummaged through the wrong locker in the locker room."
"What? Whose locker was it?"
"Warrick's, and you were playing with the chicken I had in the fridge."
"You left Greg at crime scenes with the police. You twirl your hair, zone out. You even went into the wrong washroom."
Sara sat there, stunned as Grissom regaled her about everything that was very un-Sara like.
"And I do know that Warrick had to calm down a very red Hodges, who is still fuming in the lab."
"Wait," Sara said as she snapped out of her reverie. "How did you know?"
"Well, I wouldn't if you hadn't decided to have a leisurely walk around the quarters."
"I did that?"
"Yes, you did. Everyone saw you walking around, aimlessly apparently."
Sara bowed her head, thoroughly ashamed of herself. She wanted to berate herself for letting herself loose but she felt so drained and tired.
"I don't know what is going on but I trust you will have control over the matter soon."
Sara waited for more but none came. She looked up.
"This has something to do with a recently promoted CSI, doesn't it?"
Sara nodded. She wasn't surprised.
/Just because Grissom's socially inept doesn't mean he's blind to the surroundings./
"How many vacation days do you have in all?"
Sara frowned. "I'm…not sure. Ten weeks, I think."
"Why don't you take a week off?"
"What? No! Grissom, I'm fit, I'm healthy. Why would I need a week of vacation?"
"The Sheriff will have my head at the rate you squeeze overtime pay. Besides, you're not going to be of much help when you're in your own world."
Sara opened her mouth, prepared to protest her objection. Somehow, nothing would come out.
"All right, a week of vacation," Sara conceded, "only one week and only because you insist."
Grissom nodded and his eyes strayed to the clock.
"Looks like your vacation has officially begun."
Sara rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.
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"G, time's up."
Sara heard Warrick said.
Greg shook his head, "I can't. Mia needs a break."
As Greg finished talking, the Texan made an appearance. "You're not knocking off, G-man?"
"Like I said, I can't. Day and Swing called in sick again and Mia just pulled through triple shift."
"Ooh, that's nasty."
"Let's go get some breakfast first or whatever pick-me-up you want."
"You guys go ahead. I'll get mine later."
"All right, we'll see you around," Warrick said as both Nick and him left Greg to his work.
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Sara plopped onto the bench, noticing her wariness for the first time. She looked up at her locker and stared. It was right beside Greg Sanders'.
Sara, you have to make the move, girl. You don't want the matter to prolong.
You mean it?
You think I'm kidding? As long as the boy harbours a hope that one day he'll get her, she'll never be allowed back to the field.
That is not Greg's fault!
Not literally, no. Everyone in the lab knows the boy likes Sara. Heck, even Day and Swing know. Everyone is waiting for an answer.
What has that got to do with Greg?
Oh Lord, are you really that dumb? Sara has to make it clear to the boy that she wants nothing personal with him. And that, is already being ultra-kind, I tell you.
Kind! You call ignoring Greg kind!
There's only one answer to this all: either acknowledge him or ignore him. There's no standing on the fence here.
This is ridiculous! Inhumane!
I think not. He has to know after all.
True, but not like this!
Really? Oh well, deal with it! Sara dearest, you will ignore him. You have your whole career stretched out in front as of you. I suggest you do well to go down that path.
No Sara, you will not. You will acknowledge him, no matter what. You have too!
No Sara, you don't. Listen to me. You don't need any man. He'll just be another hindrance.
He won't. He will never break her. NEVER! Greg Sanders will only make her stronger. Trust me Sara.
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Sara hung her head in defeat. She was lost and scared. She did not know what to do. What should she do? Acknowledge him or ignore him?
Tears of frustration threatened to spill. Sara put her face in her hands and heaved a big sigh. She could still hear them hollering at each other.
A tear trickled down her usually stoic face. The mask of indifference that she often wore started to crack. She was torn. She did not want any part of it yet she wanted it so desperately, so cravingly that she could taste it.
/Help. Someone. Please./
Some may tell you, don't take the risk
It's a waste of time
But if you think you'll find happiness
Baby (hey) take the time
It's unusual
But it's critical
Sara opened her bleary eyes. Something inside her had snapped. She felt strangely calm and composed. She felt no control over her emotions and memories flashed before her mind's eyes.
She watched and watched and watched.
#Greg asking her out for dinner.#
#Greg researching for her on the Fairmont case.#
#Greg pulling her into a hug after her run.#
#Their conversation about the forced shower.#
#Greg's dream about the bedroom scene.#
#Greg and the exploding potty.#
#Greg asking her what Hank got that he doesn't.#
#Greg holding her results hostage.#
#Swami Greg.#
#Greg chiding her for being so seventies.#
# Greg losing his virginity.#
#Inviting Greg for a celebration.#
#Seeing the shock in his eyes when he was promoted to CSI Level One.#
#Greg calling Warrick's wife a Yoko Ono.#
#Spontaneous Greg.#
#Calling Greg nuts.#
#Greg infected with mildew.#
#Greg commenting her smell.#
#Greg singing his rendition of ninety-nine bottles of beer.#
#Greg and his orthodontic accessories.#
#Greg and his runaway mouth.#
#Their conversation on gold stars.#
#Greg and his fifty different brands of hot dogs.#
Sara smiled as she recalled his Greg Sanders antics. She could not help it. It just happened inadvertently.
Her smile dropped as suddenly as her frown appeared.
/To go or not to go/
Sara thought for a minute.
/Go./
With clammy hands, she walked to the DNA lab.
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Cold feet got to her and Sara stopped at the threshold.
Clear it up with him! Tell the boy you're only for his friendship, nothing else.
The boy has a name, and his name is Greg Sanders! So quit calling him the Boy.
Whatever.
Go for it, girl. You know you want it.
She wants. It's not a need. She won't die even if there's no Sanders.
Give it a shot Sara. You won't know if you don't take the chance.
Just be done with it. End of story.
Sara, isn't it better to have loved and lost than never at all?
How am I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I'm on your side
And I understand you're the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide
She paced.
She wrung her hands.
She closed her eyes.
She mumbled under her breath.
She tried to block the voices but they were a persistent lot.
She was losing her grip on rationale and her actions became more eccentric.
Yeah
(Hey hey)
Give it all to love
(Hey oh)
/To give or not to give/
/To lie or not to lie/
/To accept or to deny/
/To take or to reject/
/To acknowledge or to ignore/
/To love/
Sara swallowed nervously.
/Or to hate/
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Greg turned when he heard shoes squeaking just outside the lab. He watched. He tried to read his mentor's expressions but could only come up with questions rather than answers.
After a few minutes, he decided enough was enough. He did not want Sara to get into trouble with snotty Ecklie, so he walked towards her.
"Sara, why don't you come in?" Greg said as he laid a hand on her arm.
Sara looked up unseeingly and nodded numbly.
"Give me a minute."
Greg nodded and proceeded to pull out another stool. Sara shook her head to clear her mind.
K.I.S.S dear. Keep it short and simple.
Tell him.
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The voices disappeared as soon as she stepped into the lab. The only sound she could hear was her hammering heart
She walked to her stool and sat down slowly. All the while, careful not to make any eye contact.
"Greg," Sara started, "I have something to tell you."
She stared deep into his brown orbs. Her heart pounded faster and butterflies fluttered in her stomach.
"Go on."
Sara could not read his expression.
How am I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I'm on your side
And I understand you're the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide
"I think you should know this."
Faster than a blink of the eye, Sara pressed her lips onto Greg's, soft hands on his thighs.
A few seconds passed but to Sara, it felt like eternity.
Greg pulled back and Sara looked at him.
"Are you on grass?"
"Grass? So seventies man. Sticky green, dank, chronic, cush, happy stick, wacky tobaccy."
Greg laughed and Sara smiled.
Slowly, the light-heartedness evaporated and they stared at each other.
Sara closed her eyes. She could feel the tears of humiliation prickling at the back of her eyes.
A whiff of Greg's cologne had a hot salty tear run. Soft warm lips pressed gently against her lips and without thinking, her own lips responded.
Tears continued running but this time, they were tears of unsuppressed joy.
They kissed for a good few seconds more and they hugged when Greg's stomach rumbled.
Sara laughed. "Come on, let's go for breakfast."
"I AM having breakfast now, you know."
Sara arched an eyebrow. It took her a moment to understand what Greg said.
"That is so corny, Sanders. You losing your touch?"
"Only for you."
Sara laughed and pulled Greg out of his seat.
They walked hand in hand down the buzzing corridors.
Greg stopped walking and jerked his head as if to say, want to do it?
Sara grinned mischievously.
"Hey Hodges?"
"What?"
The new couple immediately liplocked passionately and the Trace Tech rolled his eyes.
"Kids," he muttered annoyingly and resumed work.
The couple chuckled and continued on their way to breakfast.
The beam on Sara's face was so infectious Greg could not help but beam along.
Only on your own
Yay! I'm finally done! (does a little jiggy dance)
Explanations:
Underlined – that was her mind (or head) talking.
Italicised – that was her heart talking.
/Thoughts/ – it is something like the abovementioned except that it is neutral.
Lyrics – that was her yearning that was singing, one of the factors that helped determine if she should acknowledge or ignore Greg's subtle advances.
I hope you've enjoyed reading Let Your Heart Decide. I would really appreciate it if you would leave me a review or two.
Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing c'',)
-Farhanah