...Apparently having an assignment due tomorrow and a ridiculously slow internet are the inspiration I need. My brain is screwed up.
Title: Upheaval
Fandom: Stargate: SG-1
Ship/s: Sam/Janet - unrequited Jack/Sam. Poor Jack - boo-hoo.
A/N: Set kind of through/after 4.05 Divide and Conquer. Oneshot. Unbetaed - all mistakes are mine.
Spoilers: Anything up to Divide and Conquer is fair game. I haven't seen any further yet anyway.
Rating: PG
Summary: Alien technology forces members of the SGC to confront feelings they'd rather ignore, and relationships are reassessed in light of all the emotional upheaval that results.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, unfortunately. And a lot of the dialogue from the beginning is taken directly from the show.
Sam closed her eyes tightly, the sedative already making her feel drowsy and slightly dizzy. She didn't know if her racing heart and churning stomach were due to the drugs or to her own apprehension. Suddenly, through the dizziness swept a moment of clarity; she had been playing out the mission on PX9 757, still unable to believe their minds had been tampered with, and the prolonged pause between herself and Colonel O'Neill caused a heavy thump from her heart as she realised there was another explanation.
The dizzying sensation was so overwhelming that she couldn't even force herself to open her eyes, but she felt her heart rate kick up a notch as she fought to be understood, "You don't understand…we were lying. We didn't even know we were lying."
The churning in her stomach continued and she could feel her heart beating in her chest. Time seemed to drag out as she waited either to be claimed by the impending unconsciousness or for Janet to hear her, and realise the significance of what she was trying to say. If she didn't, the colonel would surely die. Slowly, the dizziness receded and she found she could open her eyes once more. Blinking she stared up into the doctor's concerned eyes, willing her to believe her.
Sam didn't even have to explain completely, once Janet realised that Sam was convinced neither she nor O'Neill were Za'tarcs she left, sprinting down the hall. Sam felt relief wash over and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She wavered, still feeling unsteady.
"Just a minute, Major." The nurse murmured, still pushing the measure of adrenalin that Janet had used to bring her out of the dizzy stupor induced by the sedatives. Once the plunger reached the bottom Sam pulled the IV out of her arm and stumbled to her feet, moving down the corridor as fast as she was able.
Stepping into the room, Janet's hand supportively around her elbow, to see Jack strapped to the chair, the realisation that she had been just in time sank onto her shoulders and now her stomach was churning for a completely different reason. God, it had been so close. And she hadn't even been the one who was lying, not really. It was Jack O'Neill who held the feelings he shouldn't, even if she was aware of them. The fact that she'd realised at all was lucky.
For a moment she hesitated. What she was about to do could damage the Colonel's career, and she respected him too much, as a leader and as a friend, to want that. The SGC would not be the same without him, and neither would SG-1. It dawned on her that it could affect her career as well. She had fought to be a part of SG-1 when she learned they were reopening the Stargate Program, and she belonged there, but if the General, or anyone higher, deemed Jack's feelings to be so inappropriate that a change was in order then she was the one who would be reassigned to another SG team.
It was worth it though, if it saved Jack's life. If it came to it, it would be saving her own as well. "Carter, what's up?" his tone, despite everything, was still the same, light and laced with sarcasm.
"Can we have a moment alone, please?" to her own ears, her voice sounded tentative and thready. She turned back to the colonel, ignoring the unsure looks on everyone else's faces and mumbling, "Thanks."
"Carter," Colonel O'Neill attracted her attention once more with a stage whisper, "Can you undo this thing?"
"Yeah," She reached for the band around his head, grateful for a moment to organise her thoughts.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"We're not Za'tarcs." Sam stated, her nervousness fading slightly. She was convinced she was right.
"How do you know?" He looked confused, and Sam couldn't blame him. For a moment it struck her just how much this was going to affect their relationship. She'd suspected it for longer than she probably realised, but she had denied it with conviction until that moment on PX9 757. It had only been a fortnight since then, but she had managed to convince herself that nothing had to change; they could keep on ignoring it. Half the time she still didn't really believe it, there wasn't anything that special about her – why on earth would Jack have feelings that regulation and common sense forbade? Of course she knew that emotions defied such things only too well, but she pushed all of those thoughts to the back of her mind as she focused on getting her point across to Jack, hopefully without hurting him.
"The machine thinks we have false memories, but we don't. We were lying." Sam acknowledged her own culpability in denying the feelings that had been achingly present when they both thought she was certainly dead. At the time she had appreciated him staying more that she could have said.
"I wasn't lying." Jack was adamant.
"Ok, you left something out." Sam conceded. Before the Stargate Program she would never have tried to tell someone what he or she had thought or felt, and she still wasn't entirely comfortable, but she had to convince him to own up to the moment that had passed between them. It was probably melodramatic, but their lives depended on it.
"No I didn't." Jack insisted, although he wasn't as sure as he had sounded the first time. When Carter stated something like that, with unerring confidence in what she was saying, she was usually right. Given that he had already accepted there was some sort of outside interference with his mind, he found himself trusting her judgement more than his own. Sam was several times smarter than he was anyway.
"Sir, when you wouldn't leave me," Sam started, searching in his gaze for some sort of sign that he knew were she was going with this. He wouldn't ridicule her for the idea, respect was an important part of their relationship and it went both ways, but she needed him to completely accept it. "Are you sure there wasn't something else that you're not admitting."
Jack's mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. Still, it was clear what he meant, the slowly shaking head and his lips moving in patterns that unquestionably conveyed 'No'. It was the look he got when he knew he was lying to himself. "What are you talking about?"
Sam looked away, uncomfortable about confronting a senior officer about something so…inappropriate, she didn't even feel the usual vindication now that she had some confirmation she was right. It was a taboo subject for both of them, but she forced herself to push on. "Something neither one of us can admit given our working relationship, our military ranks." She looked back at him in time for him to look away, realisation dawning on him.
"Oh, oh that." Jack murmured quietly, his stomach dropping as he realised comfortable, or not-so-comfortable some of the time, denial was over.
The quiet resigned tone was not what Sam had suspected from the colonel. Apparently the life or death situation made him less able to cling to the denial he would have otherwise. "Sir, we weren't telling the whole truth, and that's why the machine thinks the memories are false." Finally, he was starting to believe her.
"Really?" It was a last ditch effort to deny his feelings, but he knew it wasn't worth it. The look Sam gave him made him sure she felt she was right. Given her track record, she probably was. His stomach plummeted as he glanced towards the door, noting the figures of Doctor Fraiser, Teal'c and Freya and knowing he would have to confess, and they would all be witness.
Sam turned back to the door, sure now that the misunderstanding would be cleared up, and they would be able to resume normal duties. Her heart was still thumping away in her chest, nervousness keeping her keyed up. Once this was out in the open, there was no taking it back. "Retest him."
"Major Carter was trapped behind the force shield." Freya stated, she was picking up on the tension in the room and not knowing its source was agitating her. She'd had her theories about the Za'tarc technology confirmed, and for a while the vindication had pleased her somewhat, the council had to take notice now.
Then Jack O'Neill had been identified as a programmed agent of the Goa'uld and she had felt the disconcerting sensation of hoping she was wrong. Anise was agitated as well, disliking the insistence that O'Neill be retested, as though she hadn't looked at all the ways her diagnostic tools might be fallible. Freya's insistence she didn't mind so much, she had grown fond of her soft heart, but Carter was a human, less than half her age, and she was the one who had initiated the doubt.
"That's right." Jack confirmed, recalling his memory. "Sir there's no time" Sam sounded panicked and he could hear the unmistakable sound of Jaffa boots clanking against metal floors. For a long moment he looked into her blue eyes, framed by blonde hair longer than he was used to. He hadn't even realised he'd given away exactly what he was feeling until he heard her sigh of realisation. "There were sounds." His throat felt tight, although he had already resigned himself.
"You did everything you could." Freya stated, still unclear what sort of tension was causing O'Neill's reticence.
"Yes." On the practical level it was true, but Jack still wanted to believe that there was something he hadn't thought of. Being powerless was not something he was any good at.
The curtness of the answer, and the resigned tone started to clue her in, and Freya felt her heart sink, although her scientist persona remained firmly in place. "You couldn't save her."
In that moment Jack hated the frank woman in front of him for forcing him to admit it aloud. "No."
Freya pushed on, her desire to have O'Neill cleared winning out over her reluctance to hear any confirmation of the feelings she now realised he had. "But you still could have saved yourself."
"I guess." He replayed the memory in his mind again, knowing that he needed to be utterly frank. The force shield was still frustratingly between them, only evident by its blue shimmer every time he hit it. "Sir." Sam's voice was more insistent this time.
"I know, I know." He shouted, the knowledge that there was nothing he could do doing nothing to convince him that leaving was even an option.
"What happened next?" Freya pushed.
Now he was hitting the control box, and jamming the end of the tool into it, trying in vain to disable the shield.
"Sir, just go."
"NO!"
For the second time in a minute he unconsciously gave away exactly what he was feeling. Sam tilted her head to the side, trying to convey something in her wide blue gaze, but he couldn't even be sure what it was. Hope tried to tell him that she was silently confirming she felt the same way, and something else tried to tell him she was pleading with him to leave.
Then the armoured Jaffa came around the corner.
It seemed that Jack still needed pushing, and Freya obliged, knowing from experience that admitting things like this were sometimes hard. She pushed back thoughts of a boy on her planet, before she had joined the Tok'ra so long ago. "What were you feeling?"
Freya's voice interrupted the flashback and this time he was perversely grateful. "Like someone who was about to die."
Sam could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Awkwardness with the whole situation had every muscle in her body tense, but there was a little relief in there somewhere. All this meant that his mind had not been tampered with. Then the machine's reading changed. For a moment she felt her heart clench, the idea that she was wrong taking hold and the fear kicking in. Maybe O'Neill wasn't being precise enough. "Sir." The look they shared confirmed her suspicion and she silently pleaded with him to be honest. The last thing they needed was another reading that portrayed him as a programmed assassin.
Carter's wide blue eyes were a foot away from his, and they were separated by an impenetrable force shield – for a moment time stretched between them and he thought that it would be the last minute they had together. She exhaled sharply and Jack imagined he could feel her breath on his cheek, although that was impossible.
"I didn't leave," Jack paused. In theory he had already resigned himself to admitting all, and the consequent affect on his career, and Sam's, but in reality his throat was still tight. All the years of military training in the art of denial were harder than he thought to defy. Strange, considering his record of ignoring military rules that didn't suit him. "Because I'd have rather died myself, than lose Carter." He lifted his gaze to meet the blue eyes of the woman who had snuck into his heart, turning him into a total sap. For a moment she returned his gaze before she closed her eyes, tilting her head down. He recalled their conversation mere minutes previously, and the sharp kick of his heart in his chest when he had thought she might return his feelings. His mind whirled with what her expression could mean. At the first instance he'd read it as resigned acceptance, of what he wasn't sure. The idea that it was because of his feelings sent his heart plummeting, but the next moment it shot up again thumping in his chest even harder at the idea that maybe it was just his admittance, and the knowledge that it was going to affect their careers. The flame of hope burned a little brighter.
He was staring at Carter, and the expression on his face hurt more than she wanted to admit. Freya knew now, but she still needed him to state it for the machine, wanting him cleared of any suspicion. "Why?"
"Because I care about her." Jack's eyes didn't leave Sam, the words coming more easily now. "A lot more that I'm s'posed to." Her blonde head tilted up, but he still couldn't read the expression on her face. Not that it meant anything, he'd always been a little slow when it came to body language, from women especially.
Sam had known what he was going to say, known how he felt for weeks. Why on earth was her heart sinking then? A small noise drew her eyes from him and back to the machine and she felt an overwhelming sense of relief as she realised it had reverted back to the small circle which indicated there were no false memories, or inconsistencies between the conscious and subconscious mind.
Freya allowed herself a small, barely perceptible smile of relief, ignoring Anise's silent flicker of irrational irritation. "You are not a Za'tarc." She announced, pleased.
In the observation room Janet glanced sideways to see Teal'c unreadable expression. She hoped her own face was as blank, not showing a sign of her warring emotions. The rational side of her was relieved at the results, Jack's negative result on the retest giving her hope for the same result for Sam, as well being a little glad Colonel O'Neill would live to see another day. For once the rational part of her brain was being subverted by the irrational. O'Neill had just admitted inappropriate feelings for Sam and she hated him for it. Hated him beyond all rational justification. That wasn't even the overwhelming emotion running through her, she felt like her heart had just broken.
In the other room she saw Sam turn around, nodding slightly. Her theory had been confirmed, and the small smile on her face belying her satisfaction. Or maybe it was conveying her happiness that O'Neill would be ok.
"Now retest me."
Sam sat back, the arm and head restraints in place, staring into the orange light in front of her. "PX9 757, you and Colonel O'Neill were inside Apophis's ship." Freya prompted her recall.
"Yes, I was stuck on the wrong side of the force shield, and Colonel O'Neill refused to leave me. We could hear he sound of Jaffa coming and it was only a couple of minutes until the C4 was supposed to detonate."
Freya was perversely peeved that Carter was more forthcoming than O'Neill. Perhaps the woman was glad all this had happened, at least on some level. "You told him to leave?"
"We were pushing time. The armbands had come off and without that speed getting back to the Stargate in time was going to be tight. There was no way for me to get around the force shield, there wasn't any reason for him to stay."
The boots were getting louder, the Jaffa were getting closer. Jack was on the other side of the shield, but the Jaffa staff weapons were easily fast enough to get through the oscillation interval of the force shields. If he stayed any longer, the colonel would be in danger from more than the detonation C4 and resulting explosion of the ship they were on, and she didn't think she could watch him die. Again.
"Did you want him to stay?" Freya asked.
"No." Sam answered immediately, "There was nothing Colonel O'Neill could have done, I…staying meant he would die too." She saw the change in body language and her heart started thumping faster as she realised what she would have to admit to.
"Carter." Jack felt ridiculously pleased that Sam had wanted him to stay.
"I…" Sam exhaled shaply, leaning back into the chair and closing her eyes. "I didn't want to die alone." Her voice broke, "Maybe…maybe on some level I wanted him to stay, but I wanted him to leave more."
"Why?" A frisson of anger ran through Sam, Freya's detached tone making her wonder if the Tok'ra felt anything at all. From what she had seen so far, emotional responses were not something she was any good at.
"Because I couldn't handle the guilt…if his death was my fault." Sam swallowed, remembering all the times when the situation could have turned out a hell of a lot worse if Jack O'Neill hadn't been there. He might be sarcastic, flippant, and play frustratingly dumb a lot of the time, but there was an sweet considerate side to him, and somehow it seemed that it was the perfect balance for missions and politics on the other side of the gate. "Jack is too important."
"You are also not a Za'tarc." Freya's tone seemed to almost convey some warmth, and Sam opened her eyes slowly, taking in the small smile on her face. Perhaps her anger towards the woman had been a little unfair.
She noticed the woman glance down, and was unsure whether it was disappointment or hurt on her face, though she couldn't imagine a reason for either. "Thank you." She said slowly, feeling a little vindicated. The woman had been the one to make her doubt her control over her own mind after all.
The relief Janet felt when Freya announced Sam was not affected by the Goa'uld Za'tarc technology overwhelmed whatever feelings she had about the revelation that had lead to it. No matter how devastated she had been when she'd heard how important Jack O'Neill was to her, there were other things that were more important. Now it seemed that the threat to the president was non-existent, and if that was the case then SG-1 deserved to be there when the treaty was signed.
Jack stepped forward to remove Carter's restraints. Throughout her whole recount she had avoided echoing his statement, or anything about what he meant to her. Her last statement had fanned the hope in his chest, but there was something about her expression that was giving him pause. Now he wasn't so sure, and he no longer knew how to act around her. Feelings out in the open always made everything so awkward. Yet there was still a compulsion to say or do…something to acknowledge that she had probably saved his life. "Carter." He murmured.
"Sir," Sam responded, waiting until he met her eyes. "None of this has to leave this room." She was confident that Teal'c wouldn't say a thing, and reasonably sure that she could convince Janet that it was in everyone's best interests never to mention it again. The only hiccup was finding some explanation for Hammond, but she was sure she could come up with something.
What was he supposed to say to that? Jack had hoped for…something that wasn't even feasible, but he has at least expected them to discuss it. Carter was one for analysing everything she could, after all. Yet, it seemed she was as reticent as he had been for this to even be acknowledged any further. "We're ok with that?" he wasn't sure that he was.
Sam saw the door open over the colonel's shoulder and she nodded, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Yes sir."
The sound of Doctor Fraiser's footsteps on the floor behind him brought home that here and now wasn't the time to discuss this, and if Sam thought it was better left alone then he should probably respect that. Reluctantly he gave her a slight nod before turning to look at the doctor.
"Alright, so if they're not Za'tarcs then they're no threat to the President." Given their last meeting it was understandable, if a little petty, that Janet felt a little smug that Freya had been wrong.
"Oh, I have some questions for him." Improper as he knew it would be, Jack wanted to ask the president how he could have possibly let Senator Kinsey be the main holding the fate of the SGC in his hands.
"Every SGC personnel has been tested, even the High Counsellor and his personal guard were tested on Vorash before they came." Even if he couldn't return her feelings on a romantic level, Freya still wanted O'Neill to like her. Making him question his control over his mind probably hadn't helped that, but maybe reassuring him that the testing had helped would ease his ire a little.
"Hey, what about you? You ever been tested on that thing?" Jack's voice was curt, being forced through the emotional ringer in more ways than one that day had left him with a short fuse.
She should have expected it. Even in her culture Jack's reaction was understandable. She pushed down the hurt and answered his question, "I have not been in any situations where I would be vulnerable to the Goa'uld Za'tarc technology."
Suddenly Sam's heart plummeted as it dawned on her that there was someone else that had not been tested. "What about Mar'tuf?" The answering look of uneasiness on Freya's face elevated her heart to panic level and she pulled off the modified memory disk attached to her temple and fled towards the gate room. Behind her she could hear Janet on the phone, warning ahead that Mar'tuf might be a danger. Sam hoped she was wrong, hoped that Mar'tuf was not effected, because if he was then he would probably die, but the cold churning sensation in her stomach told her that, in the Stargate program, hope wasn't worth much. More often than not things turned out exactly the opposite of what they were hoping for.
For a moment there was nothing but silence. She could feel blood on her hands, and soaking into the material of her BDU's. It was still warm as it seeped from wounds that could have been survivable. Except she'd shot him with the Zat'nik'tel, even knowing that Teal'c had already shot him. She'd killed him. Even if it was to stop him killing himself, even if it was at his own request, Sam could still feel the overwhelming guilt crushing in on her.
Her feelings for Mar'tuf had been conflicted from the beginning. She hadn't even known him, yet when they first met she'd liked him, trusted him, maybe even desired him. Reason told her that what she was feeling was something left over from Jolinar, yet even with the memories, showing her what he had shared with the other Tok'ra, she had felt that some of it was her own emotions. Right now her emotions were in so much turmoil she had no hope of distinguishing her own from Jolinar's. All she felt was crushing distress. Like she could hardly breath.
"I promise you, his death will ultimately prove to be a noble sacrifice." Even Freya's face showed anguish at Mar'tuf's death. Still, the words didn't make it hurt any less. Sam looked back down to where she cradled his head in her lap, and tried not to cry. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat but it didn't help, and blinking her eyes was a losing battle. Eventually she felt a light hand on her shoulder. The expression of understanding in Janet's eyes almost broke her, but the soothing voice helped her to quell the grief for the moment. At least it hadn't been Janet. That she would not have been able to handle.
Silently she let the doctor pull her back, watching as two airmen loaded Mar'tuf's body onto a stretcher and covered him with a sheet. For a moment she allowed herself to take some comfort from Janet's touch, but she knew better than to let it continue for long. With a small noise she excused herself from the room, her long legs taking her towards her quarters swiftly. She knew she didn't have long to pull herself together. The president was there, and the treaty still needed to be signed. For a moment she almost screamed at how unfair it was; Mar'tuf was dead. He was dead and everyone was still going to continue on as if he didn't matter.
Surprisingly it was Jolinar, or whatever it was that remained of her, that pulled her out of it. They were fighting a war. The alliance between their people was too important for personal feelings, grief or otherwise, to interfere. Jolinar had believed in the cause strongly enough to attempt a mission to hell itself.
With slow deliberate movements Sam changed out of her BDU's her hands trembling as she peeled them off her skin, the blood making them stick. She grabbed a handkerchief from her drawer and used her water bottle to wet it, sliding it over her skin to remove the last of Mar'tuf's blood as she focussed on boxing up her emotions for a more appropriate time. With that done she pulled on her neatly ironed dress uniform, thinking of it as her personal armour, giving her the strength to finish this.
Given everything that had happened, the formalities for the treaty were over relatively quickly. The alterations had already been made and all that was required was pen to paper. Two quick signatures and a handshake, and they could all go their separate ways. She noticed the looks of concern she was getting from O'Neill, Daniel and Janet, but she resolutely ignored them.
The moment she could, without fear of offended anyone, Sam excused herself and headed for the locker room. She'd gone from feeling distraught to feeling numb, and she was aching for a shower. Some place to collect her thoughts together and help her sort out what she was feeling, and which emotions were a result of memories that weren't even hers.
Janet was caught between the compulsion to follow Sam and see if she was ok, and the feeling that doing so would be unwelcome. She had known that Sam and Mar'tuf had been friends, and that their relationship was also so much more complicated. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to be mourning someone you'd barely known, but who had, on some level, felt like your soul mate. She wasn't even sure she understood how Sam felt that given Jolinar was long dead. However, she didn't understand how Sam could still retain her memories, or how the blending process between symbiote and host even worked, so that shouldn't be a surprise.
Eventually Janet decided she would give Sam some space and check on her later. There was something else that had been bothering her, and she needed some time to decide how to approach that prickly conundrum too. Closing her office door she replayed the events of a few hours ago, how both Colonel O'Neill and Sam had admitted to a mutual attraction that went further than it should. According to military regulations she was supposed to report that. But if she did it could damage both their careers, and she could lose their friendship. Despite everything, Janet did respect Colonel O'Neill and she acknowledged that the Stargate program needed him. Disregarding the recent events, she liked him on a personal level too. What would hurt most though would be losing Sam's friendship.
When Janet had joined the Air Force she had thought any such feelings for another woman were long behind her, a teenage phase she had been through perhaps. Whatever, she had never felt anything too strong for her to deny before, and the opportunities it provided were too intoxicating. Besides that fact, she was married. That hadn't lasted long though.
Then she met Samantha Carter and the woman had disarmed any defence she might have had, and charmed her with her loyalty, her intelligence, and the endearing sense of naivety she inspired. Not that she was in any way naïve, she was a decorated Air Force Captain, and a veteran of the gulf war, but her optimism just shone through like a beacon. Her optimism and that smile. It didn't hurt that she connected with Sam so well on both an intellectual level, and an emotional one. Added to all that was the fact that her adopted daughter would probably refuse to speak to her if Sam stopped coming around because of anything she did.
Janet signed as she sat down at her desk, resting her head in her hands. She realised that, no matter if she was risking her own career by staying quiet, she wasn't going to say anything. Even taking out Cassie, and losing Sam's friendship, because she knew Sam would understand why she did what she did, she didn't think she could really live with herself if she hurt Sam that badly. That was when it occurred to her how deep in she was. Hours ago Sam had confessed she had feelings for someone else, and now Janet realised she was in love with her.
It had already been an emotionally taxing few days; she'd watched Lieutenant Astor screaming in agony only to turn on her comrades and then kill herself. Janet could still see the blood and brain matter plastering the wall and the floor, the crumpled body on the floor. Then she'd learned that O'Neill and Sam faced the same fate and the worry had almost driven her out of her mind. More than once she had found herself outside Sam's door, wanting to go in and…melodramatic as it sounded, she'd wanted to hold the other woman and not let go. As though she could keep her sane and breathing with just her presence.
Heap on top of all that the lack of sleep, and the stress from a couple of weeks previously when she had been convinced that three members of SG-1 were going to drop dead from multiple organ failure and there was nothing she could do about it, and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. No longer able to leash in her emotions, Janet broke down and cried.
Jack saw Sam leave the conference room, her swift stride and down-bent head were both clear indicators she was upset. For a moment he deliberated, but seconds later he was heading down the corridor after her. When he saw she had entered the locker room he faltered for a moment, but he rationalised if he went straight in after her there wouldn't be a chance that there would be anything making it inappropriate. He refused to let his mind wander down the thought of what exactly she would be doing in the locker room that would make his entrance inappropriate.
Pushing the door open he assessed the situation. Sam's hair was untidy, her jacket was unbuttoned and she was leaning up against the locker's, sobbing. Without thinking about it he crossed the floor in two steps and pulled her into his embrace, softly caressing her hair and murmuring nonsense in a calming voice. Sam clung to him as tightly as he clung to her, burying her head into his shoulder, her sobs shaking her body uncontrollably. He took a moment to be glad he had pushed the door shut behind him, knowing that she would not want just anyone to see her break down.
By the time reality had slowly reasserted itself enough that Sam realised exactly where she was, and who with, she was starting to feel uncomfortable. Drawing in an unsteady breath she placed her hands on Jack's chest and pushed him away gently. For a moment her mind caught on the fact she'd mentally addressed him as Jack. Usually it was Colonel or O'Neill, despite the fact that they were friends, but with him this close they felt so impersonal. "Umm…" She had no clue what to say.
Tears stained her face, but she was still astonishingly beautiful. He felt his heart thump in his chest, acutely aware of how close they were. "You ok?"
Jack's voice was quiet, and the strength of emotion in it astounded her. His hand was on the side of her face and she could feel his thumb brushing lightly across her cheek. Sam turned away from it, a light flush rising to her cheeks. "Sorry." She murmured, "I just…everything is so confusing."
"Is this…this is about Jolinar and Mar'tuf?" He asked, feeling an irrational spike of jealousy when she nodded. "It's ok," he whispered, "They're not real."
Sam stiffened in anger, pushing Jack away roughly. "Not real?" she hissed, knowing that she was being unreasonable and that Jack meant well, but feeling the need to defend Jolinar. "The love they felt…they were soul mates Jack. I can't even begin to…"
"But they're not your emotions." Jack retorted, cutting Sam off. "Sam." He moved towards her again, reaching out.
Her eyes widened and in fast forward speed Sam played their interaction from the time she'd had her realisation until now in front of her eyes. She just about kicked herself; trying desperately not to hurt his feelings she had managed to go too far and made him think that perhaps she felt the same way. Stepping back she tried to find the words to let him down gently, but emotional conversations weren't something she'd had much practice with. "Jack, I…no…"
He stopped, feeling his heart sink. He'd known this would be her answer, Sam loved her job too much to take a risk like this, but…somewhere he'd wanted her to believe he was worth that. With his last hope extinguished he closed down, and stepped back.
Sam swallowed, the expression of hurt she'd seen on her friend's face before he closed off clutching at her heart. For a moment she deliberated, but just as he turned to leave the room she reached for his wrist. If she was going to hurt him it was better that she hurt him all the way now.
"You weren't listening." She whispered, looking down at the tiles beneath her heeled shoes, making her almost his height. "I…I lied because I knew how you felt, and I didn't say anything, but…Jack, I don't…"
"You don't feel that way." Jack's voice was quiet and resigned, he should have known. Hell, he had. He just hadn't wanted to see it.
Squeezing his hand, Sam hoped her could see in her face how much she didn't want to hurt him, how much she hated this. "I'm sorry. I care…you're one of my best friends…I just…"
"I know." Jack nodded. "I know." She couldn't help how she felt any more than he could.
Sam wanted to offer him something, say something to take his pain away, but there was nothing, so she remained silent.
"I should…" Jack jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the door. Sam nodded and he squeezed her hand lightly before he let it go. In the doorway he turned back, "We'll be ok." He assured her.
"Yeah." Sam nodded, "Of course we will."
Freya exhaled forcefully, taking a moment's refuge in the infirmary. Tears were slowly tracing her cheeks, but she could brush those away in a moment, after she fought down the impulse to cry. Mar'tuf was dead. Another friend to add to the toll the Goa'uld had taken. She heard a sound behind her and turned swiftly to see the diminutive doctor standing in her office doorway. The doctor had been an irritation to her both times they had met, but she still respected her on a professional level, and she had seen the woman's capacity for empathy and caring and was somewhat envious. Right now it appeared the other woman had been crying her eyes out.
"I apologise. I did not realise anyone was here." She stated, automatically assuming her dispassionate mask. It was a necessary piece of amour in the war her people fought.
Fraiser studied her for a moment before she grabbed something, and crossed the room towards her. The dark woman held out a white tissue, and the symbolism didn't escape her. She'd been reading up on earth history on Vorash, and she recalled a white flag was the symbol of surrender, or of truce. She took it. "Thank you." It took a little effort, but she was able to drop her mask and offer her a smile.
"It's ok to grieve." Janet found herself unable to maintain her resentment in the face of the Tok'ra's obvious anguish.
Freya nodded, suddenly curious about the doctor's tears. "You are grieving also?" she studied the woman's face, noting the surprise and the sudden raising of defences as the woman shuttered off her expression. She was impressed at how completely she managed it. Given how she cared so deeply, for everyone of her people, she hadn't expected her to be able to guard her emotions so well.
Janet didn't know what to say, she'd met Mar'tuf a few times, and she had liked him, but they had never really had anything to do with each other outside a few meetings held at the SGC. She was sad he had died, but she was not grieving. Admitting that would mean telling Freya that there was something else that had made her cry. She was saved from having to respond when Freya surprisingly opened her arms and enveloped her in a hug. Janet was too surprised to react at all and before she knew it Freya had already pulled back.
"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. In my culture…before…physical contact is much more acceptable."
In that moment Janet felt an aching empathy for the Tok'ra, she was also used to being much more tactile that was acceptable in the military, and she'd observed the Tok'ra in the base enough to know that they were polite and formal to a fault, with very few exceptions. "It's fine." She assured her, reaching out and pulling her into a hug. It only took a moment for Freya to return the embrace.
It was surprising to both of them that such an intimate embrace with a stranger could be so cathartic.
When they both stepped back from the embrace, Freya tentatively asked, "Forgive me if it is inappropriate, but what is bothering you?"
She still had her hands on Janet's shoulders and the intimacy of the embrace, as well as the fact she was a virtual stranger, gave Janet the courage to confess, "Loss of a chance, I guess. That on top of everything else…and I'm so tired…I'm just an emotional wreck."
"You had feelings for Jack O'Neill as well?" Freya asked, feeling as though this could be something else to strengthen their emotional bond. It had been so long since someone understood how she felt, she wasn't sure how to react.
"What? No!" Janet blanched, her eyes widening. It took a moment for her to process the rest of the sentence. "As well?" She queried.
"I spoke to Jack in his quarters, told him of my feelings. He assured me that he had no loyalties to anyone else but he still was not receptive to my advances." Janet barely managed to contain a slightly hysterical laugh. Jack O'Neill was a regular Captain Kirk; this wasn't the first time an alien woman had fallen for his strange brand of charm. "If you do not have feelings for Jack O'Neill then…Major Carter." Freya smiled in understanding. "She is a very beautiful woman."
Janet was flummoxed, again. "She…she is." She nodded, haltingly. Suddenly this embrace had become remarkably uncomfortable.
"She is unaware of your affections?" Freya's eyes darted up and down Janet's body; the doctor was a remarkably attractive woman as well. Samantha Carter was a very lucky woman.
This time Janet couldn't contain her slightly hysterical laughter. "Uhh…yeah…no…she doesn't know. It's…on earth a relationship between two people of the same gender is…it's considered unnatural." The bitterness in her voice surprised even her.
"I do not understand." Freya frowned. "Is love not something that should be celebrated in your culture?"
"You'd think so." Janet exhaled, contemplating the amount of sorrow there was in the world, and resenting the Don't Ask, Don't Tell doctrine more than she had ever thought she would. "I…I don't understand it either. But…" she exhaled. "The Military is an archaic institution…it would be the end of my career if I even told anyone."
"You cannot confide in anyone?" This time a note of incredulity and sympathy made it through in her tone. Her mask was slipping further, it was a very disconcerting feeling, but Freya welcomed it. "That must be so lonely."
Janet managed a sad smile, for what it was worth. "I've confided in you." She whispered, her voice cracking just a little.
Sam's absence was noticed, but no one commented as the members of the SGC gathered to farewell the Tok'ra. The High Chancellor and his personal guard were already on the ramp, the stretcher supporting Mar'tuf's body supported between the two guards. Freya stepped towards Jack, taking note that the rest of the people in the room were otherwise occupied. "I just wanted to wish you the best." She informed him with an honest smile. "I am happy for you and Major Carter."
Jack winced, but he found that he couldn't be his usual snippy self. Perhaps it was the smile, maybe he sensed that she really did care about him – despite the way in which she had conveyed it. "Thanks but…there isn't anything…"
"I do not understand." Freya was finding it harder to comprehend earth culture than she thought possible. She had been studying other cultures for almost a hundred years, and they were truly the most perplexing.
"I'm her commanding officer. Nothing can happen." Jack exhaled, "Even if…she's not interested anyway."
Freya's frown deepened, "Major Carter does not return your feelings?"
"No." Jack answered shortly, feeling his temper shorten. The hurt was still fresh, and he didn't appreciate having to admit it.
"I am sorry." Freya murmured, placing her hand on his shoulder. "I wish you every happiness Jack O'Neill."
Jack nodded, "Likewise."
Sam stepped into the gate room, dressed in BDUs once more and saw that she was just in time. With a small nod to the Tok'ra she ascended the ramp, stopping by the stretcher. The shower had given her the time and space she needed to think, and to compartmentalise her emotions. She had cared for Mar'tuf, but the soul crushing agony was Jolinar's. She owed Jack an apology for snapping at him when he had suggested that very thing.
Silently she said goodbye to Mar'tuf, and apologised once more, before she pushed the guilt away. She had not been the only one culpable in his death, they all bore some of the burden, and she could be satisfied in the knowledge that she had fulfilled his dying wish. His body would also help to prove Freya's theory, and make it easier to prevent this from ever happening again.
Making eye contact with the High Chancellor she offered him a sad smile, "I'm sorry." She murmured.
He inclined his head, a hint of a smile on his lips. "So are we all." Sam turned to head down the ramp but stopped abruptly when she found Freya blocking her path.
"Colonel O'Neill tells me you do not have romantic feelings for him." Anise's voice echoed, but it was low enough that no one else could hear her.
Sam blinked, stunned enough that she didn't automatically brush her off and tell her it was none of her business. "No."
"Freya does not understand this. Is there someone else?"
Sam blinked, "Freya…what does she..." Realisation hit her and her eyes widened, "Oh. Does…I mean…"
"She informed Colonel O'Neill of her feelings." Anise confirmed, ignoring Freya's protests. "Initially he responded to her advances but he believed the timing was…wrong." It was evident that Anise did not understand the reason behind this, and it confused her greatly. "Do you have feelings for someone else?"
Sam hesitated, searching for the right words, "I don't really think it's any of your business, no offence or anything."
Anise blinked, looking as though she took great offence momentarily. "I only ask because I been observing the interactions of the members of the SGC for several days, and I believe you harbour romantic feelings for Doctor Fraiser."
It was only a moment later that Sam realised Anise had seen all the confirmation she needed, written all over her face. She swallowed, cursing her inability to hide what she was feeling when she needed it most.
"I understand not all human's regard your feelings as acceptable." Anise observed, delighted that she provoked the reaction she was looking for.
"Who told you that?" Sam asked, feeling completely out of her depth in this conversation.
"Janet Fraiser." Anise responded. "She was talking to Freya about her feelings for you. I thought, if you knew your feelings were reciprocated, you would be happy."
If Sam could have comprehended where Anise was coming from, a Tok'ra, with no understanding of the complexities of human culture surrounding the issue, trying to play matchmaker, she would have laughed. As it was, her mind was still stuck on the first half of Anise's statement. Janet's feelings for her?
"I apologise." Freya looked mortified. "That conversation was in confidence. Anise incorrectly feels that I am the one to whom the confidence was entrusted and she is not similarly bound."
"It has been…interesting, working with you again Major Carter." Anise allowed a small smile to show, "I look forward to seeing you all again." Perhaps if Major Carter were loyal to doctor Fraiser next time she and Freya returned to the SGC, Colonel O'Neill would be more receptive to her friend's advances. She may have been more interested in Doctor Jackson, but she was astute enough to realise that he had no interest in her. The sensation that Freya's happiness brought her was worth this small sacrifice.
Stunned, Sam walked down the ramp and turned to watch the Tok'ra disappear through the Stargate, she was still stumped on the idea that Janet may return her feelings, and what the hell she was supposed to do about that.
Sam hesitated; wondering once more if the course she had chosen was the right one. She was sitting in her car outside Janet's house, the Tok'ra had departed yesterday, and the General had ordered them all home to get some decent sleep, and to take the next day to recuperate. Sam had expected Jack to supervise her off the base, knowing his feelings on her reticence to ever leave work, but he had not. The hurt was probably still too raw. Nevertheless, despite her previous record to indicate the opposite, Sam had followed orders. She hadn't slept particularly well, but she had slept, and she felt much more in control this morning.
She knew that she at least needed to broach the topic with Janet about the revelation of Jack's feelings, and to feel out if Janet had perceived that she reciprocated those feelings. She didn't think she would, but she also needed to be sure the doctor would not go to the General about it. She had already submitted her written report about the incident to General Hammond, and had invented a second pair of Jaffa's following the first, detailing how the first pair had fired upon them but missed and how they had both forgotten that detail. She'd CC'd the email to Jack, letting him know what the party line was, and she hoped she could convince Janet and Teal'c to play along. It was lying, but it was for the greater good. Working with Jack O'Neill for more than three years had given her a new appreciation for how the rules should be applied, and when they should be bent or sidestepped. If Anise, Freya, Sam's feelings, Janet's feelings or anything similar should come up…then perhaps she would pursue that line of questioning, but otherwise she would leave it be. Probably. Maybe.
Truth was, in Sam's opinion, Janet was worth risking pretty much anything for. She knew she would regret not taking the chance.
Gathering her confidence, and mentally checking over the list of things she needed to cover, Sam got out of her car, and headed across the street to Janet's door. It was early afternoon and the doctor should be up and Cassie wasn't due back from school for a few hours yet.
Janet opened the door, a smile stretching across her lips as she saw who it was. "Sam, come in." she stepped back to allow her friend through the door.
"Are you ok?" Sam asked hesitantly, surprised that the doctor wasn't dressed yet. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No. I was up. I'm just having a lazy day." Janet steered Sam towards the kitchen, "Did you want a coffee?"
"Yeah, please." Sam nodded. "I just…I wanted to talk to you about yesterday." She saw Janet stiffen and waited for her reply.
"I'm not going to say anything." Janet winced at her own clipped tone. Making an effort to soften it she pushed a steaming mug towards Sam, "I'm just worried. I know how important your career is to you…"
Sam swallowed, "It's not the most important thing."
Janet flinched, pulling back. "It should be more important than a fling with the Colonel." She regretted them the moment the words left her lips. "Sam, I'm sorry…I'm just…tired and stressed…" jealousy was not something worth losing her friendship over, and she was going to have to learn to reign herself in.
"I'm not." Sam kept her voice soft, not wanting Janet to throw up any walls. "I told you, it's not a problem." Sam saw that Janet needed a little catching up on the conversation and continued. "When the colonel was trapped on Edora, you commented that I shouldn't be working myself ragged, that it was going to take months anyway, and I should get some rest. I said I missed him. You asked if there was a problem. I told you there wasn't, and I meant it. I know if there's…an inappropriate relationship between someone and their CO, you're supposed to report it, but there isn't Janet. He might…Colonel O'Neill might have feelings for me," Sam made a face, trying to convey exactly how uncomfortable that made her feel, not the idea of it, but rather how it skewed their relationship. "But I don't…I don't feel that way about him."
Janet frowned, her mind replaying both of the retests from the day before as she tried to align Sam's statement with the rest of the information she had. "You…you said he was important…"
"I didn't say to me." Sam insisted. "Jack is important," she winced as she saw Janet stiffen when she used his first name, but she ploughed on. "How many times has he saved the world, or my life, or Daniel, or Teal'c…or dozens of other people? The SGC needs him, and…and he's a good friend. He's a team member, and we face life and death and Goa'uld out there, all the time. That binds people. But I don't love him. I don't Janet. I know it's not fair of me to ask you to…lie, about what happened with the retests, but if I thought anything would be gained by telling the truth, I would."
"Does Colonel O'Neill know?" Janet challenged.
"Yes. We…we both know where we stand." Sam nodded earnestly.
"And you don't think anything is going to change? When you're out there and there's a threat?" Janet turned the idea over in her head and found it was another reason not to say anything. If Jack O'Neill protected Sam a little more than anyone else, why would she want to change that? It just increased the chances that Sam would always come home safely, and she needed that.
"He'll get over it. It hasn't been a problem before." Sam insisted.
Janet shrugged, "I was never going to say anything." She murmured, wanting Sam to know that their friendship was important to her.
"Thank you." Sam whispered, reaching across the table to cover Janet's hand with her own, getting her attention before she gave her a warm smile.
Swallowing, Janet searched for something to defuse the moment. "So…what does rank above your job? I'm curious now." She smiled, trying to make the comment light hearted.
Make or break time, Sam decided, her heart thumping loudly in her chest. "You." She answered, perfectly seriously, feeling a blush rising in her cheeks. She watched Janet blink, the muscles in her throat moved as she swallowed. It seemed she had rendered the doctor speechless, not a regular occurrence. For a moment she hesitated, but glancing down at their hands on the table she decided to take that chance. Away from the SGC, with Janet dressed in her pyjamas and herself clad in jeans and a casual sweater, without the professional facades to dull the feelings in her heart this seemed like the only thing in that world that mattered a damn. "Anise told me about your conversation with Freya…I think…" she frowned, the absurdity of it registering with her for the first time, "I think she was playing matchmaker…" She looked up at Janet. Time stretched out between them. "Say something." She pleaded.
"You…umm…?" Janet exhaled, her breath catching in a slightly frantic laugh. This was more than she'd ever dared hope for, and she wasn't even sure how to react. She twisted her hand in Sam's until her index and middle fingers were resting lightly on the blonde's wrist. The fast thumping of the pulse under her fingers matched her own, and she felt a giddy smile spread across her face and a blush cover her cheeks. "Yeah?"
An identically goofy grin spread across Sam's face as she nodded, "Yeah."
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