Title: If loving you is easy…
Summary:…then leaving you is the hardest.
Author: Aoife Malfoy
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: flangst (fluffy angst), Established Relationship (HD), Pre-HBP
Thanks to my beta, Sami!
I almost made it out of the room without incident until I heard it. A hitch of breath, almost inaudible, but the silence in the room made it seem like a boom ringing in my ears. I told myself not to look but my body betrayed me as it always did when it came to you and I turned.
You looked so innocent as you rest in slumber, your silken locks strewn about the pillow in a manner that would have horrified you if you have been awake to see it. A small smirk dangles on the edge of your lips as you turn your head and it is nearly my undoing. How many times has that smirk infuriated me into doing stupid things? Like fighting in the hallways, insulting someone's parentage or kissing an enemy on the last day of school? As I look at you now, I retract my earlier sentiment for you have never been a picture of innocence, neither have I, to be honest and maybe that is the thing that has drawn us together. I shake my head in a tumble of locks that I have not bothered to arrange. No, not innocent, you sleep on in ignorance of the world around you much as you do when you are awake and this reminder strengthens my resolve and I wrench my eyes away from the enticing sight.
Left. Right. Left. Right. That's it. Almost to the door. I thank Merlin for having the presence of mind to silence my footsteps for you were always a light sleeper and Merlin knows I would not be able to do this while you looked on. I could just imagine it now. You would perch precariously at the edge of the bed we have shared for the past five years. You would bite your lips in an attempt to hold in the words that I have been longing to hear. I could have told you that it was a useless gesture since you've never said it before and I honestly cannot see you saying them now. I would refuse to look at your face because I know that even though your lips wouldn't do anything to keep me from leaving, your luminous eyes would be begging me to stay. I have yielded to their power once before. I cannot afford to do so once again. For each abandoned escape, I lose a piece of myself as I settle for things I have come to resent and the last thing I want to do is to resent loving you, especially not after the years I spent thinking I was incapable of such feat.
Quit stalling. Grab your things and go. Yet I still stay rooted in front of the open door. Waiting, hoping, yearning for some miracle that has yet to happen in the past five years but I've suddenly fooled myself into thinking it might happen in the next five minutes. I sigh softly as the familiar wave of disappointment threatens to overwhelm me. It is time. The couples that wait too long to break up are the ones that end up hating each other after. I've heard that somewhere and it has always rung as bitter truth in times like these. I grabbed my luggage roughly and strode out the bedroom door, my hands laden with luggage and my eyes filled with unshed tears.
"I love you."
It's a whisper but it strong enough to carry across the room and catch my ear. I shake my head, freed tears stinging my eyes as I halt, refusing to face you now that you're finally awake. It's too late anyway. The words are as sweet as they ever were but it was not what I wanted to hear. Forever, forever was what I wanted. Something to reassure me that what we have is more than just shared space and fantastic sex. Something to hold over frequent fights, heated words and slamming doors. My voice is hoarse as I answer, "I know."
Your breath hitches loudly, this time sounding as you've been struck and I feel your pain as if it was mine. Knowing that fleeing from here would be the only way to save my already weakening resolve, I struggle to get away. My thoughts are so frantic that I wasn't aware of your movement until it was too late. You've already wrapped your arms around me and your body fits so well with mine that I cannot help but melt a little. I struggle weakly against you but you hold on tight. Your naked body is pressed against my back and your mouth is ghosting my ear.
"I do not know the words for no one has ever taught them to me. I know you deserve more than me. Someone as beautiful and exquisite as you should be matched with someone that is equal to its fineness. You deserve someone that won't resent your job that puts you at harm and keeps you away for weeks. You deserve someone that can get along with your circle of friends who can easily fit in your soirees with ease and grace. You deserve someone who will pick up after themselves and who wouldn't kick off the covers. You deserve someone who won't fight with you all the time about stupid little things. But instead you have me. Me, who nags you about your job because every time you're away I spend every minute of it missing you and wishing you were here. Me, who is unpleasant around your friends at your gatherings because they always remind me of how much I don't belong in your world and that at any moment I may lose you to it. Me, who forgets to hung up the towel or clean up the bathroom because I know you would do it for me and I love how it reminds me of how much you care. Me, who kicks off the covers at night because they serve too much as a deterrent when even in slumber all I want to do is to be wrapped in your warmth. Me, who fights with you over stupid things to reassure myself that you still care about us despite everything because you still have that fire in you to keep on fighting." Your voice wavers and I feel you struggling to hold back tears.
I am stunned. I have never thought about these things that way before. Never sought another explanation to the things that drove me mad about this relationship but before I could say anything, you continue.
"I can't promise you forever. You know I don't believe that such a thing exists." Then all of a sudden the arms that were holding me tight were gone and you have taken a step back from me. "But I can promise to love you with everything I have so as long as my heart is yours."
I reel in stunned astonishment. Your heartbreaking honesty has always surprised and delighted me but never have you been so forthcoming with your feelings about us. Suddenly, it became clear to me and I find myself dropping my things and rushing towards the safety of your arms. For you have just reminded me quite violently of a fact I have seemed to forgotten amidst the complacency of daily life in this new Voldemort-free world. What we have isn't easy and it would never be perfect. It's horribly dysfunctional and it will never be called a fairy tale. But amidst all that is still one simple truth that refuses to be forgotten: I would rather spend a day with you than forever in someone else's arms.
Feeling like an absolute fool, I cry into your chest and I feel you wrap your arms around me hesitantly, unsure about my sudden show of hysterics. You start to say something more but I cut you off as I shake my head. It's clear to me now and I know.
"It's enough." I whisper fiercely. And I know that from now on, it always would be.
Finite.