My first Gravi fic.
Warning: 1. I have only recently gotten addicted to this anime. Expect tons of OOCness. 2. If you do watch Gravitation and read my stuff, you'd know what this means.
Ugh..whose great idea is it to get me addicted to this! And I can't own it! There, disclaimer is done.
Samoshii na Kokoro (Selfish Heart)
Humans are selfish. I knew so on the day when reality smashed the rose coloured glass, behind which I viewed life, in the name of Kitazawa Yuki. It was, for lack of better words, painful. The cruel, too-bright lights of the real world had hurt my eyes and froze my heart. For some time afterwards, I had closed my eyes, wandering blindly in the darkness of self-pity and hatred towards the world. Family no longer matter; all I could feel was my own pain evolving into coldness and denial.
Then he came along, whirl winded into my life, totally messing up the balance I had tried to build into my existence. Yes, existence, for I have stopped living and merely existed for the sake of existing. But his light is so bright and, unlike others, were filled innocence, overwhelming confidence and cheerfulness. It made me want to extinguish it his innocence, so like mine years ago, and crush his confidence and show him the true colours the real world. His feelings are easy to figure out. I knew ; he liked me. And perhaps it was jealousy and a need to be able to control something, but I manipulated him.
It was then I saw his beauty. And the poetic side of me compared him to the sun, in all its brilliance. Pathetically poetic, but true. Indeed, his beauty is hidden and displayed blatantly and defiantly at the same time. Although he does not look it, he is courageous, almost to a fault and relentless in his pursuit. And no matter the harsh words I throw in his face time and again, he bounded back as if nothing is wrong, as I had never said such callous insults to him, as if I had not made tears fall from expressive violets. I hated that innocent curiosity, and the fact that no matter how I pushed him away, he persevered as though there is something worth redeeming within me.
Perhaps it is nothing, but as time passed, I find myself striving to protect that beauty from being marred. It feels like a dance though. With each step he took towards me, I stepped back. And so we ended up circling one another. And maybe it was jealousy, envy and self denial that I lashed out at him in intervals, never thinking that it would be one time too harsh.
I regretted a little, for I was not there to stop those bastards. Had I been there though, would I be able to do anything at all? Or would I just stand there and watched in horror, unable to will my feet to move and my fists to bury into soft human flesh? Would those dreaded visions of my past flaunt in front of my very eyes and dare me to not see them, to rush to Shuichi's rescue? These thoughts are much too late now, for his eyes is already exposed to devastating reality, as well as his whole being, be it mental or physical.
After that incident, I thought he would have been broken, like a marionette dropped one too many times by fate. I thought he would disappear from my life, and that haunting possibility made the heart I thought lost somewhere along the way ache more than just a little. I was selfish then, still am, for part of me wanted him to stay, even if he ended up bound and broken because of me. But he did not leave, nor did he seem broken by that occurrence.
He is selfish, he had admitted so in that dreary hospital room, but he would die without me. At that time, I lost control and I did not want to be near him, to drag him down with me. So…I left.
What I had not expected was him coming to New York, to the dark place, at the moment when I was holding the gun in my hands, about to end it all. I had not expected him to say thoughtlessly that he would search for me all the way, even to death. But, in the end, I, for my selfish desires, had gone back.
And in that embrace, I could not help but feel that we are much too selfish, too greedy for each other's love. And accidentally, I wonder aloud, how such a relationship could ever work out. And he replied with those words that I should probably put into my novel one day. "How could it not?"
Such a selfish brat.
Humans are selfish. But perhaps we are the worst of all, he and I. Him, for disregarding everything and everyone else to be with me, or I, for wanting desperately for him to remain like that forever.
This sucks, this so sucks. Blame, flame me. Still, any constructive criticisms for me? I'd love to improve this!