"I'm sick, Delphine."
Those words changed everything, Cosima thinks as she lies with her head in Delphine's lap, the other woman's hands running gently over her scalp. The brunette had been so angry, so raw when Delphine had come to Sarah's door looking like a doe in headlights, all big eyes and willowy limbs. The only recourse Cosima had was to shut down completely, to refuse to give her former lover any idea of the waves of emotions breaking against her chest.
Waves of emotion she's still feeling, even now. Anger. Betrayal. Hurt. Loss. And just barely fluttering somewhere inside her, hope. Stupid, Cosima berates herself, stupid; you're just going to get drawn in again. The clone tenses, but Delphine's hands still on her shoulders and then start rubbing circles into the muscle. She's so warm, and Cosima is drowning, wanting, needing something to hold on to because she's, she's—
She's curled up nearly in the fetal position in Delphine's lap. A shuddering sigh escapes from the petite woman's lips, and she can feel tears prick at her eyes. Delphine shifts underneath her.
"Cosima," she says all distinct syllables, rolling of her tongue uniquely. "What is it? What is wrong?"
Cosima half sits up and looks away. "Nothing," she says. "It's nothing, Delphine."
Delphine's hand is on her face, guiding her to look at the blonde again. "You can tell me," the other woman says. "Please, I want to help."
"Can I?" Cosima's retort is sharp. "Or are you just going to go and tell Leekie?"
Hurt flashes across Delphine's features. She swallows. "I deserved that. But I promise you, I only want what's best for you now. Not what's best for DYAD."
The scientist's hand is still on Cosima's face. The clone closes her eyes. She's so tired. She feels it down into her bones. But she can't answer Delphine, can't figure out if she means any of her promises. She barely even realizes she's leaning her head into Delphine's hand.
Cosima opens her eyes when she feels Delphine's other hand cradle the other side of her face. "Cosima," the other woman says, looking into her eyes. "I…" Delphine closes her eyes, looks down a little and bites her lip. When she looks at Cosima again, her eyes are wet. The brunette can't move as Delphine comes closer, closer, closing her eyes and pressing her lips to Cosima's. It'd be easy, so so easy, to fall in and drown.
"Delphine…" she whispers, drawing back, and she's not sure if it's a warning or a plea.
"Shhhhh," the other woman comforts, and meets Cosima's lips again. This time, the clone closes her eyes and lets her hand come up to rest on Delphine's hip. Her lips part just a little, and Delphine takes that as opportunity to deepen the kiss. Warmth is running though Cosima's veins, and she's so sick of fighting.
"No," she breathes, pulling away. "I can't…"
Delphine follows her. "Please, let me—" and whatever she wants Cosima to let her do she never gets to, because Cosima couldn't help it, she couldn't stop herself, and she'd leaned forward to kiss Delphine again. You have to trust someone, the blonde had said, and Cosima doesn't know how to make herself remember that it shouldn't be Delphine.
The kiss grows more passionate, Delphine's hands moving from her face to the curve of her waist, up and down, just brushing sensitive spots but never touching. Cosima's hands are grasping at her arms, desperate for anything to hold on to. She can feel dampness trailing down her face. The kiss takes salty, and Cosima hitches a breath through her nose as Delphine starts kissing her harder, almost frantic. Cosima's back is starting to ache from holding herself up, and she lets Delphine guide her down, laying her on her back. The taller woman takes a moment to breathe, settling on top of her while Cosima removes her glasses.
The clone looks up at Delphine, heart thudding in her chest. What am I doing, what am I doing, she questions herself, but she can't deny the tension starting to build within her. She wants Delphine, not only for release but for comfort. She shakes her head a little, trying to clear it, and only then notices that Delphine is still hovering over her.
"Delphine?"
"I'm sorry, I was just…" Delphine trails off. "It is not important."
The blonde finally leans down and kisses Cosima again, the weight of her body settling warm against the brunette. One of her legs slips between the clone's, and Cosima gasps. Delphine moves from Cosima's mouth to the side of her neck, kissing in a spot that makes Cosima inhale sharply. One of the French woman's hands slips under her shirt to cup her breast, and the clone arches her back.
"Oh."
Delphine takes the opportunity to slide Cosima's shirt up her torso and over her head, sitting back and looking at the smaller woman's bare chest. Cosima suddenly feels incredibly exposed. How can I trust—
Her thoughts are cut off as Delphine brings her mouth back to Cosima's neck, and then to one breast. "Shit," Cosima curses, and starts to push Delphine's robe off her. She needs to feel the other woman's skin on hers.
Delphine shrugs out of the garment, and then with some hesitation reaches to the clasp of her bra. Will she really? Cosima wonders, and feels a little less bare as Delphine undoes the clasp and slides it off. Without thinking, Cosima pulls the blonde down into a deep kiss. She swallows a moan at the feeling of Delphine against her, and wonders if the taller woman is doing the same. All the pair has left between them is their underwear.
Cosima jumps when she feels Delphine's hand on her inner thigh. It's trailing up and down the sensitive skin, cautious, and Cosima can feel everywhere it's been. Pulling back, Delphine looks at her nervously. "May I?" she asks.
The clone doesn't know how to answer. Should she let Delphine through all her last defenses, to her most vulnerable place? No, no, her mind argues, and Cosima says "yes."
The blonde sucks in a breath. "Okay," she says. "Okay." She lays a kiss on Cosima's collarbone, and then her breast, as her hands push the smaller woman's underwear off her. "Oh," she gasps, feeling the wetness dripping from between Cosima's legs. Cosima bucks her hips up into her hand, but for some reason Delphine has become still.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "It's just, I am just, I want it to be good for you, you know."
Realization floods through Cosima. Yeah. It showed. She feels a spike of guilt. "Delphine," she says. "I said that to hurt you. I didn't mean it, not really. I'm sorry."
"No, I am sorry," Delphine murmurs, kissing her. "I hurt you very badly first. But now I am going to make up for it." Despite her words, her hands are still unsure as her thumb settles on Cosima's clit, rubbing slightly.
"Oh," Cosima groans. "Oh, fuck." Delphine is still circling her clit too carefully, and Cosima needs more. "Please," she whimpers. "Delphine, I need you, please."
The other woman sinks one finger into her, then two. Cosima rolls her hips, getting used to the feeling of Delphine inside her. The French woman curls her fingers tentatively, drawing in a breath at the result. She begins to set a steady rhythm, uncertain at first but becoming more confident as she thrusts in and out. Cosima rocks her hips against her, reaching up and palming a breast before pulling Delphine into a passionate kiss.
"Please," she pants again her cheek. "Please, I'm close, just a little more, just right—" Her begging cuts off as she stiffens, eyes closed and mouth open, pulsing around Delphine's fingers. A high, breathy noise escapes her. "Fuck," she gaps after she's come down. "Shit, Delphine, I—" She's interrupted by a crushing kiss from the blonde.
When they stop, Cosima looks at Delphine above her, holding her close. She knows she should still keep her guard up, but it's impossible. Not like this, not after that kind of intimacy. Cosima kisses Delphine's neck, gently prompts her and rolls her on her back. "Okay," the brunette says. "Now it's your—"
The coughing comes sudden and hard. Cosima's doubled up, trying to suck in air, and Delphine is holding her tightly, hands clutching at her as if she's about to fade away. Cosima wipes the blood off her mouth and looks at her partner when it's over. Delphine looks scared.
"We shouldn't have done that," she says, running a hand through her hair. "We should—"
Cosima kisses her. To hell with it. To hell with it all. What's the point of life if she doesn't live the rest of it? The ailing woman doesn't let herself think of how long or short that might be.
"Lay back" she says softly. "I want to do this. I need to do this. I want you."
Delphine looks unsure, but she lays down on the bed. Cosima kisses her on the lips, then turns to her neck, sucking on a pulse point as she pushes a leg against Delphine's core. "Merde." Cosima smiles against her throat.
The clone moves from the blonde's neck to her breast, sucking on the nipple while fondling the other with her hand. Delphine gasps and moans, quick bursts punctuated by sharp breaths. She's shamelessly grinding down onto Cosima's leg now.
Cosima kisses her breastbone, and then kisses her way down the other woman's stomach. When she reaches Delphine's underwear, Cosima plants a quick kiss between her legs. Delphine gasps and jerks her hips. Smiling, Cosima slides off her underwear, and then kisses her way up one leg.
Delphine groans when Cosima's lips find her clit. The brunette's tongue circles the bundle of nerves, and a stream of French curses fall from Delphine's lips. "Plus," she says desperately. "Plus, Cosima, s'il vous plait, plus." Cosima slides a finger into the blonde, and then adds another. She thrusts experimentally, seeing which spots make Delphine squirm the most. Once she's found one, she hits it over and over again, in and out. Her tongue is still going on Delphine's clit, and the French woman's hand is clutching her head. When Cosima sucks on her clit and curls her fingers, Delphine's grip tightens and her body tenses.
"Merde, merde, merde," she chants, eyes screwed shut, and then goes limp. "Oh, Cosima."
Cosima wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and crawls up next to Delphine, slipping into her waiting arms. "I missed you too," she says.
"I am glad you trust me," Delphine starts, but Cosima shakes her head.
"No. I don't want to talk about that right now. It can wait for like, another day. I just want to be here with you."
Delphine kisses the top of her head. "I am here," she says simply. I know, Cosima thinks, and wonders what that really means. But right now, lying with Delphine, she doesn't want the answer. It can wait for another day.