Short Author's Note ;; This is just a little look inside Martin's mind, basically about his life right now. It's sometimes confusing, and conflicting, but it's just my idea of where Martin is right now.
DISCLAIMER ;; I don't own anything. So please don't sue me.
Ashes
Sandy. The name tastes like poison on his tongue. It drips out of his mouth, and with it all the regret and pleasure and fear he has ever felt. Sandy is everything wrong in his life right now and he hates her for being alive, for being pregnant, but mostly he just hates himself. He hates himself for fucking her. That's all it was really. It wasn't 'making love'. He thought he'd be married the first time, on his wedding night. Probably to Ruthie Camden. Now, that was never going to happen, all because of some stupid mistake he made as a teenager. And now his whole life was going to change. He wishes he could be a man, and do the right thing. Tell Sandy he'll help her out cause he helped her into this mess. He can't say any of that; he's too scared. Deep down, that's all he really is. A scared little boy who is in way over his head and if no one throws him a line, he may drown.
Meredith. Her name tastes like a little white lie. When it falls off your tongue, you're pleased with yourself, and a little bit scared, but eventually, maybe, you can make yourself believe in it, though you know deep down it's just a lie. Meredith is Martin's lie. She is Ruthie, but older, and they don't have a complicated history. He doesn't love her, not really. She is the closest thing he has to Ruthie, and he is using her. He will take her as far along as he can before he has to face the mess he has made. She'll cry and he won't feel bad, but he might pretend, because that's all he can do right now. He doesn't like who he has become, sleeping with girls and leading them on. He doesn't know when he became like this. But he is what he is and he can't stop now. He's out of control, and he needs someone to hit the brake before he goes flying off a cliff.
Ruthie. Her name tastes like hope. Hope is the only thing he has now, because he keeps messing everything up. She is the only one he loves, and he wishes he could say it to her. Ruthie, I love you. I LOVE YOU! He'll never say it now. He already said it to someone else, lied about it. Now it'll never mean anything. He's not good enough for Ruthie Camden, but he wishes he was. He wishes he never met her, because then nothing would be so complicated in his life. He wants Meredith to be enough. She already loves him. He knows she may look like Ruthie, but inside, she'll never come close. He needs Ruthie to fix him. He need her to run into his burning mind and pull him away from the flames before they burn too much of his soul. He's starting to become unrecognizable, and he needs her to save him, before all that's left is the ashes of the boy that used to be.