Blackheart
Her fingers barely moved but as she watched them, they managed a twitch. Maybe it was her mind playing tricks on her. It wouldn't be the first time and she had hoped that it had been her last time when she kicked her red sand habit back before she signed up for the Alliance. Her tongue slowly rolled over her teeth and she leaned back to let her eyes wander to the smashed mirror just a few feet away. Even with the facial reconstruction, her scars from being brought back to life the first time glowed a hotter red. She didn't want to see it. She didn't want to face herself.
"Shepard."
It wasn't her name that caused that hiss to push past her lips, it was the voice that accompanied it. He was the last person she wanted to see. "Get out," was her response. Her voice had become a low growl, barely audible and barely recognizable.
"You always had shit for bedside manners." He was pushing her, testing her how far he could go before she slapped his ass with a biotic punch. "You know how much it took to get them to let me in?"
"It's because I didn't want to see you."
"Shepard, look at me."
So she did. Zaeed Massani was a pain in her ass, had been since she picked him up from Omega, but that never stopped whatever they had from developing. It started with drunk, angry sex and developed into a feeling close enough to what Shepard would call love. She didn't bother to cover her almost naked body. Clothing just hurt. But he didn't leer. No, Shepard could see that he was looking directly at her, watching her carefully stoic face.
"What's the verdict?" She asked.
Zaeed shook his head. "You look like shit."
A small smile appeared but it quickly faded. "Go to hell," she growled and moved to find something to cover herself up with. He wasn't there. He should have been there. He had every opportunity to be there with her! Shepard could feel her biotics start to flare. It felt as if electricity was crawling over her skin; the new and old.
"Been there, done that, sweetheart," he said calmly. She could hear him moving behind her. Moving closer. Shepard wanted to tell him that he was close enough but the words were caught in her throat. "I thought it'd be worse. You looked like you took on a Reaper yourself when I found you." She almost choked and gasped for air. Her gut wrenched as she thought of the Catalyst. She almost told him [i]close enough.[/i] From what she had heard though, Zaeed hadn't been the one that pulled her out of the rubble.
"Bull shit, Kaidan pulled me out." Her voice was strained but by the look on his face, she could see that he was telling her the truth. Shepard's shoulders slumped slightly in defeat. No. She should not be the one feeling guilty for lashing out. She trusted him to be there. It was with him she felt her strongest. It was with him that she felt like herself. It was him who brought her back to life. He used that power against her, building her up until he finally abandoned her. She wondered if this was what Kaidan had felt like back on Horizon and when she turned him away before their final push back to Earth. "You were supposed to be there."
"I know."
"I needed you!" She didn't recognize the voice that came out of her. The tone she had taken was close to desperation. She could smell the heartache laced in her words. It was her downfall. The cold hard shell she had made her home for so many years was changing, or rather it had changed without her consent and she wasn't settling in well.
"You didn't need me, girl. Never did."
Zaeed reached out and touched her shoulder where her only tattoo had been. The ink was now distorted from her scars and skin grafts. Shepard swallowed hard as she thought about when he first saw the black words written in Asari. She had gotten it from a dealer who was making a house call when she couldn't afford a ship to and from Omega.
Her room smelled like sweat and whiskey. Tangled in the sheets of her bed, two bodies lied intertwined as they both tried to catch their breath. "Damn," he whispered. His lips grazed her ear and she closed her eyes. A lazy smile spread across her features as she turned slightly and touched the side of his face. When her eyes opened, she was ready to ask for round two but instead he broke the brief silence. "What's that mean?" His finger traced the inked words.
"Blackheart," she told him. "It's what they called me when I ran with the Reds back on Earth."
A smirk was the first response she was given. "Ain't so black now," he muttered.
"It seems I have a weakness for old men."
Shepard watched him. That hadn't been the first time they were together, but it was the first time he cared enough to notice something about her. It was the first time she knew she loved him, but what was a guy like Zaeed going to do with love. What was she going to do with it? She reeled away from him and she missed the look of hurt that appeared on his face for a second.
"You said you weren't close to us," she said. "How could you have pulled me out?" Nothing made sense and yet the pieces were slowly coming together. Shepard's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to maintain her safe distance from the older man.
"I lied," he told her. Was it as simple as that? He lied. Great. What did he want from her? Did he want a fucking pat on the back with the customary 'good job, Johnny'? No. That wasn't going to happen. "Thought you might've called me out on it when you said goodbye, but you were too pissed off." Damn right she was.
"Fucking coward."
"Shepard, get over yourself already. You've got your team."
She would've punched him if he wasn't a damn hologram. Betrayed didn't quite cover what she felt for the person before her. The person who said he wouldn't leave her, not like she had been left before. "You're running," she whispered.
"What's that?"
"You're running," she repeated herself. This time she resolved to look at him. "I just hope you're fast enough." She looked at the communications officer and told him that she had had enough. He cut the channel just as the former Blue Suns leader had started to talk again.
"Did you figure out what you were running from?" She asked him quietly. Shepard moved away and staggered to the closest chair. She sat down and winced. The exchange was already draining a lot out of her. Her muscles relaxed once her back was against the chair. This was why she didn't want to see him. When she was fully recovered she was going to shoot whoever let him in.
Zaeed shrugged. "You," he said. "I don't like to be in the business of feelings, Shepard. It gets a lot messier than shooting bastards." She just looked at him, unsure of what to say. She watched as he moved towards her until he eventually kneeled down at her side. "I'm not saying I love you…but it's pretty damn close."
"You're shitting me."
"I wish."
Zaeed reached up a hand and moved her hair out of her face. She wondered if there was anything else to say between them and only one question came to her mind. She could feel her heartbeat starting to pick up and her stomach flipped. One of the machines started to beep and she realized that she didn't want have one of those damned doctors barging in. Shepard took in a ragged breath and could feel her pulse slow. Her anxiety dwindled and the beeping stopped.
Her head tilted to the side as she found herself leaning into the touch that had already gone away. "When?"
"When I thought you were dead."
Zaeed pushed the boy out of his way. They found her helmet. Her god damn helmet. He cursed under his breath as he kicked the thing away. Kaidan looked at him as if he had no right. He made a motion to where the helmet rolled away. "Isn't much use to us, kid, if her head's not in it." It wasn't the most tactful thing to say, but they were close and he wasn't going to stop until they found her.
Kaidan just shook his head and signaled for his little soldiers to start digging. Zaeed let out a frustrated growl and he moved away from their shitty pack. He poked around various piles of rubble and he heard yelling from a few yards away. He looked up to see that it was just Garrus and the damn krogan, Wrex, arguing if the body they found was Shepard or not. The turian knew better. The merc shook his head and continued his search until he caught sight of a familiar shade of brown. Not so dark but not entirely light. His chest tightened and he ran towards the body. He called for the two aliens to help as he moved the rubble off of her. "Shepard!"
She wasn't breathing. God damn it, she wasn't breathing. She couldn't do this to him. Not with how they left things. All he saw was blood. Her armor was burned, possibly to her skin. Half of her hair was missing and her eyes were closed. He just wanted to see those baby blues.
"Careful with the body," Garrus warned him.
"I've called for medics," Kaidan called to them.
"Slap some medi-gel on her, she'll be alright." It wouldn't be the first time Zaeed would punch a krogan.
"I'm not waiting for the damn doctors," Zaeed found himself saying when the realization dawned on him…he couldn't lose her. He pulled her into his arms and she coughed. He almost dropped her on her ass from the surprise. Shepard tried to breath but it was only gasps of air. Her eyes opened but she didn't see him. "Hold on, baby," he whispered, "you can't leave me yet."
It was her turn to get the questioning look. "What are we going to do now, Shepard?" If he could only see how much he looked like a damn lost puppy. She found enough strength to pull herself up and lean towards him. What were they going to do? Her first answer was 'not a god damn thing.' But she knew better than to say that.
Vulnerability vibrated between the two of them. She wouldn't leave him. Hell, he had her at first kill, however messed up that was. "First I get better," she said, "and then we make up for lost time." They would figure things out in their own way and at their own pace, right? Shepard saved the galaxy, she was sure she could save a relationship…their relationship.
Zaeed scooped her into his arms and led her back to her bed. She buried her face into his shoulder to stifle her laughter. "Don't think I can wait that long."