He was struggling. Struggling to find the reason or an excuse as to why this couldn't happen. Why it shouldn't happen. Hell he was married; he had a child on the way. Why wasn't that stopping him? Why, despite all of that did he still feel the need to find another excuse?
Maybe because he didn't really want to stop.
He had only just dismissed Glee 15 minutes ago when he had heard the click of a heel on the wooden lino. He had heard a gasp and laugh as she eyed him up and down, noting the sticky purple liquid running down his front and sides. He had already armed himself with rolls of paper, swabbing and swiping at his brow and hands, letting her watch on in amusement at the sight that befell her.
15 minutes and 12 slushies. That's all it took. There was something incredibly sensual about the way she had begun to explore his body. Intense and passionate. He had never felt his skin set alight like this before. Maybe it was because he had always wanted this, just as much as she had. Maybe it was because he was finally realising that he couldn't deny them this anymore.
Deny that in the plainness of truth, he loved her too.
He had never done anything like this before but something had sparked within him that day, as if someone had hit a switch inside of him that he couldn't shut off. There was something easily unsettling about the way he had reacted that afternoon, how his mind had wandered into the realms of his dreams during reality. He had let himself believe for a few short minutes that she was his, his bride to have. The way she had fit so easily into his arms as he held her close and spun her around. How she had looked in that very moment of freedom. Care free and alive. True beauty. So lost in his dreams he hadn't realised the song had ended. So lost he forgot his place and who he was. So lost he had wanted to claim her lips as he own.
But then he remembered.
He had watched her expression change from bliss to pain in the split second he snapped back to reality. Watched how her eyes widened with sorrow as he let the word fiancée spill from his lips. He had to keep reminding himself that she wasn't his. That he wasn't hers.
But he loved her. Why hadn't he kissed her?
Loyalty. He wanted to be loyal. Loyal to a wife he had slowly fallen out of love with despite the child growing in her stomach. His child. Grr. He didn't want to be one of those dads who saw their kid on the weekend or watch as his kid called another man 'dada' for the first time.
That's why he shouldn't. That's why he shouldn't want her.
The more he thought about it though, the harder he found himself wrapped in this predicament of a lie. The only life worth living is one you are really passionate about. Poignant still to this day. Her words. Nothing false or pretence about them. She had made him see all of this. She had believed in him, believed in his ability as a teacher, as a human being. He was living his passion, teaching children Spanish, running the high school's Glee club. But the passion was all but gone from his marriage, hiding behind dreams saved for rainy days and promises tucked away for the future that would never quite come some enough.
He had felt a crack, small as it was in his heart as he watched her behind her desk. That's because they don't, we both know that. True to the songs as it was to the people. 'The happy couple'. A miss-matched pair if you ever saw one. He was supposed to not want her.
He was married.
He had a child on the way.
Why wasn't it enough?
Maybe that is what bought them there that night. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. (Thoreau.) Pinned together on the choir room wall, their lips meeting one another's sharing everything they ever wanted to.
This is what he had imagined so vividly in his dreams. This was the life he wanted.
Maybe he would have gone home that night to his wife covered in the slushie from his 12 kids. Maybe Terri would have yelled at him for being irresponsible, for letting the kids get one over him. Maybe if she hadn't have stood there in front of him with a finger trailing down his jaw, swiping away a drop of the sticky sweet liquid begging him to love her he would have done just that and never would have known what could have been.
But he hadn't.
And there they were. Her lips working their way to his neck as she cleared him up in a way that made him wonder why anyone would ever invent such a thing as a paper towel in the first place. She was cautious with her movements. Maybe the mess of the slushie was making her uncomfortable. Perhaps the situation they were in, the lies and deceit they had allowed themselves to get tangled up in was finally hitting home.
'Just love me'. And that was all it took as her hands flew round his neck pulling him to her. He wanted to tell her how much he did, how much he wanted it to be her that he came home to every night. The one he could kiss without worry and tell her that he loved her without whispers. 'Please, just for tonight. Love me'.
He should have used an excuse. Used the fact that his wife was pregnant with his child and this would be wrong. This was already so wrong. He should have switched the spark off and told her he couldn't do this. He couldn't.
But he didn't.
He brought her lips to his, letting his hand draw her chin closer, promising with kisses to protect her and love her from everything that could ever hurt. She let him in, despite the mess that ran down his shirt, despite the fact that it was now all over her. Maybe mess didn't matter as much as the hurt in her heart. He allowed himself to think only of this as a favour. Thinking otherwise brought complications, a wish of a future burdened by the past.
He succumbed her to a reduction of mere moans and gasped breathes as his fingers inched up her thigh, seeking for a place she had kept hidden for so long. He felt her fingers curl round his neck, her head slumping to his shoulder as he let his fingers touch her, and stroke her, letting her know that he was still there, wanting her as much as she wanted him. He could feel the muscles tense around his fingers as he held her, his firm hands grasping her bum to keep her from falling, wanting to watch her as she let go around him, wanting to see her temporary bliss if only for a few seconds.
But it wasn't enough. He ached for her and the hazy look in her eyes told him he couldn't go. Not just yet anyway. He couldn't leave her like this. No.
With swift movement he held her against the wall, steadying her with one hand as he unzipped his jeans, unbuttoning and tossing aside his stained shirt. She was showing her vulnerability as he began to move inside her, claiming her for the first and last time. She held onto him tightly, pushing herself up and down as they found, soon enough, a rhythm they could claim as their own. One that only they knew. Hips rocking together, slack jaws and lips rotating and twisting as the passion and fire flared up between them. He held her as she came, running his hands along her sides and down her back, wanting to hold her in this moment they had just created.
He sat her down on top of him, both of them still joined as one. He didn't want to let her go just yet. Didn't want to return to their separate lives where they were best friends. Nothing more.
So he just held her. Let her explore his lips some more, let her rake her fingers across the contours of his chest, let her laugh as his muscles contracted whenever she touched him. He didn't want it to end, didn't want to let her know that as much as he loved her, and much as he wanted to be hers, he couldn't. That he had a wife to go back to. He wanted to promise her that she would always have his heart and how much he wished for her touch at night when he felt cold.
But he couldn't. As blissful as it was it couldn't continue.
And they both knew it.
Instead of speaking they let their actions speak. A kiss, drawn out as their eyes both shut, savouring the last taste of one another before she pulled away and pulled out of him, straightening her skirt and fixing her hair. He saw the way her body shook, the way she was begging him not to say anything and begging her eyes not to start crying. So she turned and went without a word, without a sound, both of them knowing it was easier that way than saying goodbye.
Hope you enjoyed it. I may continue this if you like it.
Reviews are love :)