To Have Friends Again
Washington sat on a cliff overlooking the box canyon, one knee drawn up to his chest and his other leg stretched out. The sim soldiers might be glad to be home, but this wasn't home to him. As much as he was grateful he wasn't rotting in a cell right now, he didn't think they'd realized that this outpost was nothing but a bigger cell. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't so bad. And that worked. For a little while. Then he started to feel like this again, and he needed to get away. That was why he was here. The cliff matched his mood: it was isolated, remote, apart from everything going on down there.
Suddenly, his helmet registered another presence. He turned around sharply, drawing his weapon in the same instant.
Caboose stood at the head of the trail that led here, looking at him with a kind of wide-eyed stillness.
Washington sighed. "Don't do that. I could have killed you."
"I don't think you would do that," Caboose said, oblivious to what Washington meant.
Washington groaned and lowered his gun. "It's not like I would want to, Caboose. I mean my reflexes are sharper than yours. Surprising me isn't the best idea unless you want a bullet in the head."
Caboose looked around in confusion. "But you didn't fire at me."
"I stopped myself," Washington said. "Wanna make me change my mind? Keep talking."
Caboose just looked at him.
Washington turned away and sat down back in his spot, hoping that would send Caboose the appropriate message. As in: Go away. He dropped the gun at his side.
Caboose crept up in a very obvious fashion and sat next to him.
He didn't look. He didn't want to encourage the guy.
Silence lasted about five minutes.
"Are you mad because you had Church inside your head once?" Caboose asked.
Washington glanced at him. "You could say something like that."
Caboose reacted as if this was a strange and wonderful new idea. "I could! Something like that."
Washington sighed. He didn't correct Caboose. He just moved on. "I'm not angry at Church. I'm angry at the people who put Church in my head."
"You didn't want Church in your head?"
"No, I did, I just -" Washington broke off and looked away, staring moodily into the distance. "It's complicated."
"I like complicated things," Caboose said, clearly trying to get him to open up.
Washington would have taken offense if he hadn't known Caboose was far too simple to be more subtle. Caboose wasn't treating him like an idiot; Caboose was the idiot. And because it was Caboose, and not a normal adult human being who would judge him, he whispered, "I wanted an A.I. My friends had them. They were cool. They were...a sign that The Director liked you, that he trusted you. I really wanted to get that kind of approval. Especially because...my performance in the field wasn't the greatest." He winced at his former childishness.
"Church is cool," Caboose agreed. "I want him to approve of me too. I also am not the best at the fighting games."
Washington smiled faintly at that. "The fighting I did wasn't a game, Caboose. So it was even more important to do my best."
"I'm sure you did your best," Caboose said, naively comforting.
Washington took strength from that. "I came here because I wanted revenge for Church. I wanted to get revenge for him, for the things they did to him."
Caboose hung his head sadly. "They did a lot of bad things to him, didn't they, Agent Washington?"
Washington choked on a lump of emotion at that. "So many," he whispered. He couldn't help but curl in on himself. "I'd never experienced suffering like that."
Caboose scooted closer and hugged him. That was the first time he'd been hugged in a really long time. And it wasn't a macho hug either. It was a full on, cuddling hug. Something hard inside of his chest melted, and he cried. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks.
"Washington. It felt bad to find out what they had been doing to Church. Didn't it?"
"Yes." The word came out like a hiccup. Washington couldn't see anything. His head was down and his eyes were blurry. He trusted Caboose to kill anything that could hurt them in this moment. Caboose could do things right when it was obvious.
"When I found out it felt like a puppy coming home with one eye," Caboose said. "I wanted to find the person who made the puppy one-eyed and do mean things to him, like O'Malley would have done mean things. I kept it all inside because I did not want to scare anybody. Everybody got scared of me when O'Malley talked to me inside my head."
Washington nodded. "I hid it too. Because...it wasn't safe to tell anybody. We were all watched. Some people might've told the man responsible for hurting Church because they didn't understand, or their jobs were at stake, or they were loyal. I kept it all inside. And Epsilon kept getting worse, and worse...I couldn't get him help from the people I knew because that would mean exposing him, and didn't want them to take him back and throw him away, or hurt him." He shook with the memory of his fear and isolation. "I wanted to help him, but I couldn't." He squeezed his eyes shut. The tears that spilled were hotter. "He was so scared! And I was just a kid."
"You were scared, too," Caboose said.
"Yes! So scared." Washington hiccupped. A part of him hated this weakness, but the rest of him was exploding with relief. He'd wanted someone to talk to, someone who could understand and care about him. What he'd been through. Caboose was perfect. He was too simple and nice to betray anybody. It would never occur to Caboose to hate him and shoot him in the back. "Epsilon tried to stop things from happening, but he couldn't. He was losing control. Going rampant. He spilled over into my head, and then I started thinking I was him, because I was so confused."
Caboose hugged him tightly and even went so far as to turn Washington so he was shielded against Caboose's armor. That locked them together in a strange, parent-and-child kind of way, but Washington didn't care how it would look to anyone else. He was too glad someone else was taking care of him for a change. Someone cared about him. "I get confused sometimes," Caboose said soothingly.
"It hurt," Washington choked out. "A lot."
"We will take care of you now," Caboose said. "You are on the Blue Team. We all help take care of each other. That way, no one is alone."
It was uncanny how Caboose seemed to understand what he needed right now. Washington gave in to the inevitable and wrapped his arms around Caboose in return, making the hug two-way. "Thank you. I...I don't know what I did to deserve this. You all must think – I was such an asshole. I just forced my way in and made you go along with what I wanted."
"You are a friend of Church's," Caboose said, sounding surprised and confused. "We are all friends of Church. You were just trying to help. It's not your fault. We care about Church too. That means...you are one of us!"
"God, thank you. Thank God. Finally...I don't have to be alone anymore. I don't have to deal with this by myself."
"We will all deal with this together," Caboose said.
"That's all I want," Washington whispered. "I just want some help." The tension inside went slack, and sometime a few minutes ago, he'd stopped crying. He didn't recognize this still feeling inside of himself for a minute and unconsciously held his breath. Then he remembered: peace. This was peaceful. He let out his breath and slumped against Caboose. "I don't ever want to be alone again."
"I don't, either," Caboose declared. Then his voice brightened, as if he had the best idea ever and had even amazed himself. "So we will be together!"
Washington made a noise of amusement in the back of his throat. "Yes." It feels good to have friends again.