Mhmm...discalimer where i insist that i don't own anything and beg for the big people with fancy laywers not to sue me...check.

little pre-story author blurb...well, this is my story. it's funny, but not finished. i need to set up my old computer again to begin writing more, so it may be a while, but...well, that's it. Blurb...check.

And now for our feature presentation. -

'Nikos held her tight in his muscular arms under the silver Naboo moonlight. The soft breeze made her soft hair shift and sway like gentle waves on the beach. He knew that he loved her, with all his heart and soul. They had only met two weeks ago, and he already loved her. He didn't know what it was about her, but she was inescapable. Her beauty was utterly captivating. It was as though she had cast a spell on his very soul.'

Isis cringed at the novel and shut it with disgust. She had never been the type to read Harlequin novels. They were too…beneath her. With an air of superiority, she strode into the center of the Ebon Hawk, waving the book around with extreme prejudice.

"Okay, who brought this filth onto my ship?" Everyone in the small group looked up with confusion. Whether it was genuine confusion or not was the crux of the mystery. Isis tapped her foot impatiently, looking at the novel with derision. She tore her glare away from the 'novel' (if one could call it such), and studied the faces of each of her crewmembers. Carth was genuinely confused, and maybe a little scared. Canderous looked like he felt like this was nothing but a big waste of his time. Jolee and Juhani just shook their heads sadly. Mission obviously had no clue what the book was (good thing, since she was only fourteen), and Isis was pretty sure it was out of Zaalbar's taste, what with him being a Wookie and everything. The droids could be automatically eliminated, since they didn't read books. Besides, HK would probably find it revolting, what with everyone loving each other and having a happy ending and everything. That left…

"Bastila…" Isis muttered under her breath, shooting Bastila a withering glare. Bastila blanched and swallowed hard. Taking a deep breath, Isis addressed the small group. " Well, it seems we have no takers. Hmmm." She paused for a second, sighing. " If this book belongs to you, and you don't want it to be burned to ashes, approach me on your own time." She surveyed the group once again. " Dismissed." The small group dispersed throughout the Ebon Hawk, talking amongst themselves about what had just transpired. Everyone, except Bastila. Isis gave the young Jedi a blank look before sauntering off towards her quarters, holding the book as far away from her as possible, like one would an incredibly disgusting article of garbage. Bastila bit her lip and anxiously got up to follow.

Isis sat on her bunk, the novel on the floor before her. She was reading a datapad on the socio-economical relations of the core planets when Bastila approached her meekly. Isis didn't look up.

" It's yours, isn't it?" Bastila didn't reply. Isis set the datapad down beside her and looked at Bastila with a neutral expression. " I never would have expected that it belonged to you." She paused for a second. "What could ever possess you to read something as sappy as that?"

Bastila shot Isis a hostile glare as she picked up the book. " I like them, alright? I don't know why, I just do."

Isis took a deep breath. " I thought Jedi weren't supposed to be into the whole 'platonic relationship' thing."

Bastila shrugged. " They never said anything about reading about them."

" Hey, if you want to read that sickeningly-sweet romantic crap, go ahead. Just keep it out of my sight." With that, Isis picked up her datapad and continued reading. With nothing left to say in her own defense, Bastila gathered as much of her composure as she could and walked out.

" Before you go-" Bastila looked back to see Isis still studying her own datapad. "…why not datapads? Do you know how many trees they had to murder to make copies of that crap?"

Bastila snorted derisively before stalking away, clutching her novel to her chest. Isis shook her head slowly, chuckling.

"What's this?"

Isis looked up lazily as Bastila plopped down a large collection of datapads on the table before her. Isis shrugged and continued to mend her favorite armor. A particularly rowdy Sith had done quite a number on it with his vibroblade.

Bastila picked them up, one-by-one, and read the titles aloud. " 'Pride and Honor: The Hierarchy of the Republic'… 'Religious Implications of Slaughter'… 'How To Cover Up a Conspiracy Plot'… 'How To Plot a Conspiracy'… 'The Art of Pillaging'… 'Mandelorian Torture Techniques'…" Bastila paused at that title, blanching a little. "… 'Politicians of the Century'…why are you reading all these?"

Isis shrugged. " Entertainment." She then pulled a datapad out of her robes' pocket. " How about you tell me about ' Midnight Pleasures' and ' Tatooine Temptation' and 'Once Upon an Alderaan Moon' and-" Isis dropped the datapad as Bastila crushed it with the Force, causing sparks to dance across the metallic floor. Isis shook her head, waggling a finger at Bastila. " Anger leads to the dark side, young one."

Bastila was out of the door before Isis could finish.

" Don't worry! I have more copies of that list!"

Isis chuckled at Bastila's enraged scream and continued to mend her armor.

" What the hell are you doing, Bastila?" Carth looked at Bastila with confusion and fear. Her clothing was disheveled, her hair was all over the place, and she was twitching like a spice addict. Bastila spun around and gave him a feral look, her left eye twitching. She threw a datapad at him.

" It's a conspiracy! She's starting a conspiracy! Look! LOOK!"

Carth flinched at Bastila's outburst and studied the datapad, if only to avoid Bastila's wrath. " What does this mean? It doesn't make any sense."

Bastila cackled, then stopped abruptly and looked around suspiciously. " Of course it doesn't make sense. It's a conspiracy! You have to look, not read! LOOK!" Bastila snatched the datapad from Carth's hands and pointed to it. " Look…these are the books Isis has read. These are the top ten books on Bop'Rah's list."

Carth cocked an eyebrow. " None of them are the same."

" EXACTLY!"

Carth patted Bastila sympathetically on the shoulder. " I think you need some sleep."

Bastila flinched and cringed away from Carth. "NO! That's what she wants! When I sleep, she'll send the ravenous squirrels after me! They'll gnaw my eyes out! How can I expose the conspiracy if I can't see?" A faint ding was heard. " Oh, my caffa's done." Bastila got up and stumbled her way to the kitchen area. Carth shook his head.

" She has got issues…"

" So close to the end!" Isis smiled widely as the second last Star Map opened before her. " Only one more to go!"

She made her way quickly back through the Sith tomb, easily disposing of the two masters of the academy. The oppressive tomb door opened to reveal the Korriban sunset. Isis smiled as a wave of fresh air rushed in, and coughed most horribly as it disturbed a great pile of dust and sent it flying through the air. Isis gagged. " EEW! I think I'm breathing in dead people!" She covered her nose and mouth with her robes and walked out.

It was a tough battle in the Sith Academy. In the end, she and Carth managed to slaughter every one of the Sith within the Academy.

Completley exhausted, Carth let out a deep breath of relief. " Thank the Force we managed to convince Dustil to leave the Sith before all this happened."

Isis, cutting down the last of the Sith guards, voiced her concurrence. "Yeah. That would have sucked." She scavenged a nice blaster from the corpse. " Alright, that's it. We should head back to the Ebon Hawk and get going."

" You found the Star Map?"

" Yep!" She smiled widely. " Now all that's left is the map on Manaan. Then we can finish this all."

" Thank the Force…"

They made their way back to the Ebon Hawk. They were met at the ship by the rest of the crewmembers.

" CONSPIRACY!"

Isis cringed. " You know, that's really getting old."

Bastila stalked up to Carth and poked him in the chest. " You're part of the conspiracy! I should have known! That's why you refused to see it when I showed it to you, because you already knew and didn't want to admit you knew because if you did then I would know! Well, I know now so your denying of your knowledge didn't help you!"

Carth just stared at her blankly. " I have no idea what you're talking about."

" CONSPIRACY!" Jolee and Juhani grabbed Bastila and began to drag her back onto the ship.

" LOVE BLOOMING IN THE FIELDS OF NABOO!"

Bastila let loose with a bloodcurdling scream of rage as Isis chuckled. Carth gave her a confused look. " What was that all about?"

Isis shrugged. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

The hum of the force cages created a symphony of doom within the small room aboard the Leviathan. Isis and Carth's cages were separated by Bastila's. Bastila sat in her cage, hugging her knees as she rocked back and forth, her left eye still twitching. She was mumbling something under her breath, and would occasionally yell out 'conspiracy!' before continuing to mutter. Isis shook her head sadly.

" She really is disturbed, isn't she?"

Carth looked at Bastila sympathetically. " How did that happen to her?"

Isis suppressed an evil smile. " I honestly have no clue."

Carth sighed. " I don't know where she got the idea you were starting a conspiracy."

" Yeah, like I've got the time."

The doors flew open to reveal an older man dressed in a fancy Sith uniform.

" Saul," Carth growled, anger flashing in his eyes.

"CONSPIRACY!" Bastila pointed at Saul and laughed crazily, pulling out some of her hair with the other hand. Saul motioned to a guard.

" Get the mental freak some drugs, would you? Something that'll make her shut up." The guard nodded and walked off. They slipped Bastila some form of sedative strong enough to knock her out.

" Thank you." Isis sighed with relief and rolled her eyes. " Her brain blew a fuse of some sort."

" Whatever." Saul replied. He suddenly perked up. " Now, on with the interrogation. I know that torturing you won't get any information out of your. You will is far too strong to be broken that way. But, even the strongest heroes have trouble watching the one's they care about being hurt. So, every time you refuse to answer a question of give a false answer, I will torture Carth."

" …could you repeat the parameters under which you will torture Carth?"

Saul eyed her suspiciously.

" What? I didn't quite catch it all, that's all!"

" I said that if you refuse to answer a question or give a false answer, I'll torture Carth."

" Ah." She paused for a second. " WHAT? No!"

" ENOUGH! It begins!" Saul cleared his throat. " Where is the secret Jedi Academy located?"

Isis sneered. " That's a dumb question. Malak went there, so you obviously know it's on Dantooine."

Saul cocked an eyebrow. " You're perceptive. You're right. We knew it was on Dantooine, and we have since bombed it to dust."

" NOOOO!" Everyone flinched at Bastila's outcry, especially since she was still unconscious. " CONSPIRACY!"

"Enough!" Saul turned on Bastila's torture field for a couple seconds. " SECOND QUESTION! What were you looking for?"

Isis shrugged. " Star Maps."

" WHY! Why are you telling him this!" Carth glared at Isis. She looked back at him and sighed.

" Trust me, will you? THIRD QUESTION!"

Saul jumped a bit. " I get to say that!" With an indignant snort, Saul continued. " THIRD QUESTION! How did you find the Star Maps?"

" Well, we stumbled across one on Dantooine, which you have probably destroyed. It showed other planets, so we extrapolated the meaning was that those other planets each held their own Star Map and decided to check it out."

Saul glared at her. " That's not right!" Carth yelled in agony as his torture field was activated. " Now tell me how you found them!"

" Visions! I have vision! There was one where everything was burning! It was so very hot…the wind was hot…" the author laughs and wonders how many people who are reading this have seen Esca Flowne

" Well, you've been most helpful, but I think I'll leave now. Lord Malak will be most pleased to hear this information, and he'll most likely want to torture you for his own twisted pleasure."

" If he wants twisted pleasure, he should try torturing himself. That would be truly twisted." Isis snickered to herself as Saul shot her a glare.

" I'll leave you with a small taste of what's to come." All of their torture fields were activated as Saul sauntered out of the room.

" CONSPIRACY!"

Their screams of pain were eventually gone as they passed out from the pain.

It was a while later when Isis awoke.

" Don't try to move too quickly. They tortured you even after you passed out."

Isis looked at Bastila, who seemed to have chilled out a lot. She managed to sit up, and looked over to Bastila. " You seem…more calm."

Bastila nodded. "Yeah. But the news of Dantooine is disturbing. It's strange we didn't sense something. That's bad news."

Isis cocked an eyebrow in confusion. " …were you actually unconscious?"

" No."

" Damn." Isis sighed tiredly.

" I only wish you didn't tell him so much. Who knows what implications it will have on the galaxy."

Isis sneered. " Well, it's not like I wanted Carth to suffer needlessly."

" I appreciate your…feelings…for Carth-"

" If anyone would, it'd be you. Would you like me to write a sappy novel about it and lend it to you?"

" What?" Carth was completely confused. Isis smiled sweetly at him

" Nothing. Nothing at all."

Bastila's face was beet-red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. " You shouldn't let your emotions get the best of you! It will lead you down the path to the dark side!"

" Look who's talking! It didn't matter what I said anyway!"

" What do you mean?" Bastila narrowed her eyes at the older, and undeniably more powerful, Jedi.

" He already knew the answers to the questions. It was quite obvious, since he said he'd torture Carth if I 'either refused to answer or gave him a false answer'. How would he be able to know if my answer was false, unless he already knew the answers?"

Everyone was quiet. Bastila's left eye began to twitch.

" Guess what, Bastila?" Bastila looked at her suspiciously. " I think we're caught in the middle of a conspiracy."

" CONSPIRACY!"

Carth just watched on, completely confused as to what had just transpired.

" What? You don't remember? Mwahahahaa!" Malak cackled most evilly in his metallic voice. Isis looked at him like he was a retard.

" Remember what, cueball?"

" I would have thought that you'd figure it out by now! Haven't any of the memories floated to the surface yet…Revan?"

Isis' eyes went blank as she had her little epiphany of self-realization. " Oh my god…it's true, isn't it Bastila?"

Bastila nodded sheepishly.

" Why the bloody HELL didn't you TELL ME? Even on the frickin' BRIDGE HERE! Oh, you just had to wait until we were face to face with metal jaw here, didn't you?" Isis motioned to Malak, who furrowed his eyebrows. " Were you even planning on telling me at all? You weren't, were you?"

" It wasn't up to me! The Council forbade me to tell you! It was too dangerous!"

" So you were just gonna let me live the rest of my life without know who the hell I was or where all those stupid memories were coming from?"

" I'm sure the Council would have told you after all this was finished!"

Malak crossed his arms and began to tap his foot impatiently on the floor, rolling his eyes. Carth did pretty much the same thing.

" I'm sure they would have waited for me to either die on this stupid mission, or would have sacrificed me to their pagan gods after I returned! It's a Jedi conspiracy against me!"

" CONSPIRACY!" Bastila began to foam at the mouth. Isis sneered at her, then turned to Malak. " Let's make a deal. You can have Bastila if you let us get the hell outta here."

Malak thought about it for a second. " I don't know…that Bastila seems defective."

" If you get her a healthy supply of crappy romance novels and a tub of chocolate ice cream, I'm sure she'll be fine."

Malak shrugged. " Fine. But, if you're lying to me…" He pointed at Isis menacingly. She held her hands up in a conciliatory manner.

" I'm not lying, don't worry. She just has…episodes…if someone mentions the word 'conspiracy'."

" CONSPIRACY!" Bastila screamed, and started clawing at the walls. " I want out of this box! I'm claustrophobic! The walls are closing in! THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER! MOMMY! Don't let them TOUCH ME!" She then curled up in a ball on the floor and began sobbing.

" Uh, yeah. Don't say that word." Isis shrugged. " Everything'll be fine after she has some time to chill. Don't worry. Then you can do whatever the hell you want to her. I don't care." She shook hands with Malak and motioned for Carth, who was completely horrified at what had just transpired, to follow her. " Never liked her anyway." Isis gave Bastila a derogatory glare on the way by, then made her way to the Ebon Hawk unopposed. Carth suddenly halted and refused to budge.

" We have to go back and get Bastila. I can't believe you'd just trade her away like that!"

" Listen, Carth, no matter what I did, Malak would have ended up capturing Bastila. It's in the script." Carth gave her a suspicious look. " Of destiny. The script of destiny. Would you rather we had to waste time arguing and fighting when all I had to do was broker a deal with baldy back there?" Carth was silent. " Okay then. Let's go."

" How do you know that's what would have happened?"

Isis paused for a second, staring blankly at a wall opposite her. " The Force tells me things." She stared for a couple more seconds before shaking her head and continuing on her way to the Ebon Hawk, Carth following willingly this time. Well, to an extent.

" Wait…you're Revan? I don't believe this!" Mission stared at Isis incredulously. " Wow. This is…this is big! Do you remember a lot?"

" Naw. Just annoying little blips once and a while. And this weird thing where I was arguing with Malak over a color scheme. But that's it."

" That's it? Just a few little things here and there? Well, then I don't think it really matters. I don't see the Dark Lord of the Sith here, I see a friend who's been with us through think and thin."

" What are you talking about, Mission? Of course it matters!" Carth spat out angrily. " We've been fighting Malak, and this whole time his master has been right here with us! Listening to our plans!"

" Your argument, while logical, has one fatal flaw, Carth. Namely the fact that I'm the one who comes up with most of the plans." Nobody argued the point. " Now, I still want to 'destroy' the Star Forge."

" Why did you make quotation marks with your fingers when you said 'destroy'?" Carth asked suspiciously. Isis paused.

" Uhh…It's fun." She cleared her throat uncomfortably and continued. " Now, who's with me? Canderous?"

" I'm your man until the end, Revan."

" Mhmm. T3?"

" Beebooplewhooplebeep!"

" I knew the little guy would be with you. Droids don't hold grudges." Mission smiled and patted T3, who whirred happily in response.

" Jolee?"

" I already knew who you were."

" WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

Everyone stared at Isis wide-eyed. Jolee cleared his throat before continuing. " I knew you'd find out sooner or later, whether the Jedi Council wanted you to or not. Anyways, I stayed because I want to see what your destiny is."

" Okay, whatever. Juhani?"

" You're nothing like the Revan I knew."

" I'm going to have to cut you off there due to the lack of my interest." Juhani stared at her, mouth agape. " How 'bout you, HK?"

" Statement: Something strange is happening to me, Master."

" Need an antacid?"

" Statement: You humor is lost on me, Master. It seems that my memory would restore itself upon…upon returning to my original Master."

" You mean Revan…me?"

"Statement: Yes, Master. My full functionality is available and ready for your use, master."

" Whee. Zaalbar?"

" :I don't care what they call you. It's your actions that speak about who you are.:"

" Whoo. Hows about you, Carth? Will you help me to 'destroy' the Star Forge?"

" You did it again."

" Oh. Oops." Isis smiled sheepishly and clasped her hands together behind her back. " Will you help?"

Carth sighed. " I guess I don't have much of a choice. As long as you stay true to this mission, I'll help. But I will not allow you to betray the Republic."

" Again." Juhani added in. Isis shot her a death glare.

" Fair enough, Carth." Isis forced a smile. " Let's get on with it then, shall we? Next destination: Manaan!"

" Where's Bastila?" Juhani asked, looking around.

" Long story short, she was captured by Malak." Isis said, shrugging with indifference. Juhani gasped in horror.

" What are we going to do without Bastila?"

" Live happy lives?" Isis retorted, raising her eyebrows. Juhani began to sputter a response, but couldn't choke anything out. She stalked off to her quarters which were all of three feet away from where she was standing, and sat down to meditate.

" Gleeful Exclamation: Oh, it is so good to see you again, master! Statement: I was afraid you were going soft for a while."

" Bleh. I came close. Too close for comfort." Isis shuddered. " My life was like the creepy beginning part of a stupid Bastila novel."

" Query: A Bastila novel, master?"

" Yes, a Bastila novel. You know, a Harlequin romance novel, where everyone is like, 'ooh, I love you!' and the other person is like 'hmm, I love you too' and stuff? It's really stupid. Everyone's always happy in the end. It's stupid."

" Statement: I must agree with you, master. It does, in fact, sound stupid and meatbag-like."

" Definitely." Isis glanced around to make sure they were alone. " That's why I'm plotting to rid the galaxy of them."

HK didn't seem to be too thrilled with the prospect. " Query: Why would you waste your valuable time on such an unworthy task, master, when you could just kill everyone who reads them?"

" Because," Isis replied, studying her fingernails. " they are addictive, or so I've heard. How anyone could get hooked on something as moronic as sappy love novels, I don't know, but it's addictive nonetheless. My goal here is not to kill people, but to cause them unending suffering. Now, I have researched this and have found that the number of people who read these books is stupidly large. If we get rid of these books, it will cause all those people extreme emotional pain. Then, they shall spread their pain to those they surround themselves with, which will cause the suffering to spread like ripples in a pond, until everyone in the galaxy is suffering because of it."

" Exclamation: Brilliant, master! I shall enjoy helping you with this task! Query: Shall I begin hunting now?"

" No. We must wait until we have seized the Star Forge."

" Query: Why, master?"

" You'll see." An evil grin spread across Isis' face. " You'll see."