SCENE: A medical building in Burbank. In the waiting room, a dark-haired thirty-something wearing a floppy stovepipe hat sits, fanning herself with the WB Employee Benefits EAP (Employee Assistance Program) brochure.

Therapist: Glad you could make it this afternoon.

(Silence)

Therapist: Come in, take a seat.

Amy looks around nervously, still not sure if she's supposed to pick the couch, a chair at the table, or the chair across the desk. The therapist sits at the desk, inclines head to indicate that Amy can sit opposite at the desk.

Therapist: So, how are you doing this afternoon?

Amy: (Shrugs.) Eh.

Therapist: Not so good, I gather. (Glances at clock on far wall, sets a timer on desk.) So, I saw the show the other night.

Amy: (Brightens.) Yeah?

Therapist: Yes.

Amy: Did you like it?

Therapist: Dan wrote that one, didn't he.

Amy: Well, uh...

Therapist: I think we should talk about...the hat.

Amy: Oh oh.

Therapist: Obviously, we've been discussing some of your difficulty this year with the show.

Amy: Uh huh...

Therapist: And how your inability to remove your hat is a metaphor for the way you keep things bottled up on the show.

Amy: I...

Therapist: But I thought we were making progress.

Amy: Yeah, we're making progress.

Therapist: So what's the deal with the hat? Did you take it off on the set for at least thirty minutes each day like we discussed?

Amy: (Silence)

Therapist: I thought we discussed that the reason you can't have certain...characters...that you say are based on your personal life, say 'I love you' is because you have a deep-seated fear of saying the words. That if you'd only take off the hat, the words will come out too.

Amy: What are you talking about? Don't you like the show?

Therapist: That's not what I'm talking about. But, ok, I respect where you're going here. Let's talk about the show.

Amy: Well, you know, the filming schedule is really rough.

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: Dealing with the actors, oy, always a killer. And then there's my husband. Sometimes he acts like it's his show.

Therapist: Uh huh. So do you think the fans liked it?

Amy: The last episode?

Therapist: Yah. The one where it's Thanksgiving and Luke doesn't tell Lorelai about the kid.

Amy: (Scowls) Nah, they're all bitching and moaning about what a waste of an episode it was.

Therapist: I heard those are mostly those fans that are the crazy internet ones.

Amy: (Smiling) Yeah.

Therapist: So you gave Luke a kid, but he's not telling his fiancée. And you have had this couple together for what, over a year, and engaged six months, and they still don't say 'I love you.'

Amy: They do it off-screen.

Therapist: (Looks through notes from previous sessions.) Oh, that's the big things small, and small things big stuff?

Amy: Yah.

Therapist: So tell me, do you and Danny have problems telling each other things? Like, when Luke doesn't tell Lorelai, but tells his sister about the kid?

Amy: Hey, that was a great scene!

Therapist: And there's the issue of trust. You've now had your two main characters not trust each other and...

Amy: No, see, that's the parallel thing...

Therapist: I see. Tell me, did you personally supervise Luke's hair at the end of the episode? Boyfriend's hair's looking mighty fine.

Amy: (Laughs) He did look pretty hot, didn't he?

Therapist: I notice Lorelai's pretty oblivious to whatever's going on.

Amy: Yeah.

Therapist: Dan trying to send you a message?

Amy: No, no! It's going to be funny! Luke has a turtle!

Therapist: Uh huh. A DNA, hair-stealing "turtle."

Amy: Yeah.

Therapist: Trust issues are big with you this year, yes?

Amy: Oh, you know, gotta keep the viewers wondering.

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: Sexual tension and all that...

Therapist: You don't think you're gonna lose a bunch of viewers if you strain credulity for too much longer?

Amy: Well, like I care. Dan and me have a new WB deal.

Therapist: See, there's no guarantee...that your fans will follow you to the new show. I have another patient, can't of course tell you who, but let's just say he used to FILE a lot of episodes and then he was stalking in the night and none of his old FILE fans came along for the stalking in the night ride...

Amy: Whatever. I get the feeling you really don't like the way this season's going.

Therapist: As a fan, no. As a shrink, hoo boy!

Amy: Oh.

Therapist: Tell me about Lorelai in this Thanksgiving episode, and in the sides for the next few episodes. You said (checks notes) that she's kinda sorta based on you. Why would you have her get so excited about the wedding when you're obviously gonna character-assassinate your own husb...I mean Luke. With the whole keeping secrets thing.

Amy: What about her? I've got to keep the actors happy, you know...

Therapist: Yeah, you've said that before.

Amy: Meatier roles. That's what Lauren's always moaning about. You should hear her when she has to kiss Luke.

Therapist: You mean Scott.

Amy: (shrugs)

Therapist: You don't really like it when the fans don't like what you're doing, do you?

Amy: The fans don't know what great television is.

Therapist: But the fans like the episodes where Luke and Lorelai are together? I hear they really like the ones where Luke's shirt is off...

Amy: Well, you know the fans...

Therapist: So, this Luke's daughter plot...

Amy: Yeah, that's gonna be great. Who knew, huh?

Therapist: So where'd you get the idea to call her a...turtle?

Amy: I dunno.

Therapist: Uh huh. You're not trying to imply something about Danny, are you?

Amy: (shocked) No!

Therapist: I noticed that they're still not as hot as a couple in love really should be.

Amy: Yeah, well, they show how much in love they are.

Therapist: By not telling each other things?

Amy: Yeah...

Therapist: But the fans are suggesting a certain marine animal with a dorsal fin...

Amy: Huh?

Therapist: Shark?

Amy (silence)

Therapist: So tell me, do you like the episodes Dan writes?

Amy: I do, I do. I think they're quirky and funny and quirk...

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: What?

Therapist: Nothing.

Amy: I don't know. Can we talk about something else?

Therapist: Okay, tell me about the wedding.

Amy: No way!

Therapist: What do you mean?

Amy: I'm not saying anything.

Therapist: What if I told you that I have serious concerns that you're letting personal issues interfere with your career? That unless you learn to take the hat off, and let Luke and Lorelai trust each other, and say I love you, that...

Amy: (snaps) Look here, just because Dan's got that little kid up in Oxnard, doesn't mean that...

Therapist: If the hat fits, take it off?

Amy: (fumes)

(Timer goes ding)

Therapist: Time's up. See you next Thursday. Be sure to go out the back door. And...

(Amy glares back at therapist from under the brim of the hat...)

Therapist: Let's try for FORTY-FIVE minutes without the hat each day this week...

Name: MrsDionysiusOGall

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