Okay, so first KnB fic, I'm almost finished with season two so maybe I shouldn't be writing a fic so soon, but I had to. Besides the point, I'm an angst writer and this show is just full of angst inducing possibilities. So here's your angsty one-shot
A shadow cannot exist without light; Kuroko knew that from the beginning. Growing up, he knew that he was, in fact, a shadow, and a weak one without a light to stand beside. Of course, he'd not known that immediately, hadn't known that he needed a light. The only thing he truly knew in his younger years was that no one noticed him. No one, not passersby, not his peers, or even his teachers, no one noticed Kuroko Tetsuya.
He didn't know what made him try out for Teiko's basketball team only that once he had, he was presented with a powerful host of light to stand with. Akashi was the first, the one who realized his potential, who bettered him until he played first string. Aomine was the second and Kuroko loved him best. Aomine played with a smile on his face, he played with joy and he was free when he soared up into the air. Midorima and Murasakibara were not to be his lights, but they were stars all on their own. In second year, a new light arrived in the form of a bright blond named Kise, who actually noticed Kuroko the first time they met, unlike the others, who took a few moments.
In the end, it was Aomine that he chose. The smiley blue haired boy who loved nothing more than playing, and bettering his skill, he was the light that Kuroko finally picked. Aomine was the drive that Kuroko needed. He took him aside after practice one day and vowed that he would help him become the best basketball player in all of Japan. They would be an unstoppable duo, a force to be reckoned with. Aomine had grinned even wider at that and ruffled Kuroko's hair until it stood up at all angles. "All right then," he'd said, "I'll hold you to that promise."
They were closer after that.
Kuroko began to spend some of his free time with Aomine and Momoi. Aomine tried to teach him other skills beside passing, but Kuroko insisted on only bettering the skill he had. The bigger boy suspected that Akashi had something to do with that, but he knew better than to speak ill of their 'emperor'.
As Aomine grew, Kuroko followed, making sure that he kept good on his promise. But one day, he realized that his team of lights was shining brilliantly, all on their own. They weren't so much a team as they were a collections of stars unified only by their need to win.
That was something Kuroko had not counted on. A shadow needed a light to survive, but the thought had never crossed his mind that a light had no need for a shadow.
It was Aomine's sudden shift that rocked Kuroko's foundations.
True, Aomine had been slowly moving towards that end personality, but Kuroko had chosen to be blind because he wanted nothing more than to play with Aomine, to fulfill the promise he made to the boy. As the days past, Aomine grew worse, and there was even a handful of moments where he failed to notice Kuroko. It was only for a few minutes, but it still made Kuroko feel as though he'd just been pummeled into the ground.
He'd made a promise, and without any words at all, Aomine had broke it. It was unofficial, there was no meeting to discuss how they should move forward, no. Simply put, Kuroko lost his light. He regressed to a weaker shadow, drifting as his love for basketball dwindled. Because how could something Kuroko loved so much, turn Aomine into what he was? As that love faded, so did everything else.
Momoi was the first to really notice the subtle change in Kuroko. Well, Akashi did as well, but he didn't do anything, didn't much care. Not wanting to push the boy too far, Momoi caught the object of her affection after practice to ask him if he was all right.
Telling her what bothered him didn't seem like a good idea, she was Aomine's best friend. She was stressed enough trying to deal with his shift as well, it would be wrong of Kuroko to burden her with his own feelings. So he stayed quiet.
The Generation of Miracles held useless practices after their win, it was a formality more so than anything else, their time in middle school was coming to a close. Though none of them had voiced it, they didn't plan to attend the same high schools. In those practices, Kuroko played half halfheartedly, lacking the energy or the drive that usually pushed him until he was a limbless, exhausted puddle on the floor.
Akashi divided them up into teams of three, they were to play against each other. It was the first time it had happened, the emperor never declared a three on three, usually it was one on one. Midorima and Kuroko were with Akashi while Murasakibara, Aomine and Kise comprised the other team. Momoi stood off to the side, biting her lip.
The first half was as Kuroko predicted. With their particular skill sets, it was hard to gain ground against one another once one of them had the ball, it was near impossible for the other team to get it. Kuroko had not touched the ball in that time. His five team mates were locked in combat with each other, he could clearly see the power they were exerting.
There was a reason behind the game, one that all of them knew. It was not a frivolity. It was Akashi's version of a going away party. None of them were friends anymore, not really, the game served as a final show of strength.
I'll be stronger than this when I see you next
At the end of the second quarter, Akashi announced that he was leaving, and moved Kise to take his place with Midorima and Kuroko.
The game resumed, a two on two as Kuroko planted his feet on the edge of the court. None of his teammates sent him a glance, it seemed as though things had reverted back to his first week at Teiko, when none of them noticed him regularly. When he was a ghost more so than a shadow.
But then, Midorima pushed the ball from Murasakibara's hands. The behemoth wasn't paying as close attention as he should. He'd not eaten anything in the past couple hours and he'd not slept for a few days, he was tired. Time slowed as the ball barreled towards Kuroko. He entertained the idea of letting it pass, after all, would they really notice him standing there? Those thoughts were destroyed when his eyes connected with Kise's across the court. Immediately, Kuroko redirected the ball right to Kise's hands and not a second later, the ball fell through the hoop.
The timer signifying the end of the match went off.
"Good job, Kuroko-chii!" Kise shouted, running over to pat him on the back, grinning.
The three remaining on the court stared for a moment, realizing that they'd actually forgotten Kuroko, before making their way to the locker room.
"We should hang out tomorrow," Kise smiled at him before tussling his hair.
Kuroko found himself with a small grin on his lips, if only because the copy-cat had ruffled his hair exactly like Aomine used to do.
"Kise, come here a moment," Momoi called.
The two were sitting beside each other on the ground, Kuroko with a book in his lap. Kise gave him a grin before jumping up and jogging over to where Momoi stood a small ways away. He watched their hushed conversation for a moment before bowing his head and returning to his book. He and Kise had started hanging out more, Momoi would join them on occasion, whenever she wasn't babysitting Aomine. Truth be told, Kuroko enjoyed Kise's company. With middle school behind them, and all that went with it, the looming doom of high school made him want to curl up and die. But Kise helped.
Momoi left after wishing Kuroko goodbye, waving happily, and Kise rejoined him.
Kuroko didn't ask what Momoi wanted, he resumed reading aloud. Kise had asked him to read, saying that he liked it when Kuroko read because at least he seemed somewhat happy. Kise lay back, folding his hands on his stomach and closing his eyes. Kuroko thought he looked peaceful.
"Hey, Kurokochii? Why don't you and I apply to the same high school? I don't like the thought of you being all alone."
Kuroko didn't mind being alone, really, he didn't, it came with the territory. But that wasn't what Kise meant. Momoi must have proposed the idea. He wasn't adverse to it, going to school with Kise could be all right. He could safely call Kise his friend, more so then when they'd been at Teiko, but if they went to school together, they would undoubtedly join the basketball team. Would Kise be his new light? Could Kise be his new light?
The more time he spent with the boy, the more he found himself smiling, even if it was only slightly. He was beginning his ascent from the pit he'd fallen into after Aomine and Teiko and everything. Kise was helping to pull him up, Momoi to. She called or texted him at least once a day to ask him how he was doing, sometimes she came by his house, she even took him book shopping once.
Maybe then, with a friendship in Momoi, and the prospect of a new light in Kise, maybe Kuroko could get better.
He didn't tell them.
He applied to Seirin.
He changed the locks on his door.
He didn't answer his phone.
It was easier.
He didn't know what made him sign up for Seirin's basketball team, only that once he saw the little map on the board, a little spark of something familiar carried his body to the table. The fact that no one noticed him when he filled out an application didn't bother him. As he left, he saw an angry red haired boy out of the corner of his eye and almost froze.
There was power there, a lot of it untapped. But there was so much of it, buried down and locked up and if Kuroko could unlock that potential, he might have a new light.
Might.
Kuroko was not as bad as he was after Aomine, Kise and Momoi made sure of that. He could function, he was no longer in free fall down a never ending void, but he was definitely hovering around the edge, looking in. If Kagami were to be his light, if Kuroko were to be his shadow, and it all fell apart again, he knew he wouldn't be able to bounce back like before.
Once he broke through Kagami's layers of stupidity and hot hotheadedness, once he erased the horrible sense of the Generation of Miracles that Kagami had next to his heart, Kuroko found that he quite liked the other boy. They got along well enough. Kagami was a good light, Kuroko was a good shadow. Though he was hesitant to dub him a friend, Kuroko did enjoy his company. They were a wonderful duo despite everything.
Almost like Kise.
Almost like Aomine.
To Kagami's face, Kuroko called him his light. To himself however, Kuroko bit his tongue if he even thought of Kagami as his light. Inside, he had a horrible sense that sooner, rather than later, the new light would leave him, like Aomine had. For all that Kagami told him they were a pair, that they would do it together, there would come a day where Kagami would surpass everyone. He would become a blindingly brilliant light, a never fading star, commanding the attention and holding all the power of the world.
And when that happened, he would no longer have a need for a shadow.
That scared Kuroko to his core and he felt himself growing ever closer to the edge of the void.
It wasn't so much Aomine's words as it was the delivery.
Kuroko, on the floor of the court, feeling everything crashing down on him, felt the first crack in his already feeble foundation. Because, Aomine had to be right. He'd been fighting to keep that foundation up since the moment Aomine failed to return his fist bump. His first tumble into the void had been rough, he'd come out scratched up with spidery cracks webbing through him, but he'd been okay.
He didn't know if he'd be able to pull himself out now.
Kuroko knew, of course he knew, that Momoi and Kise hadn't fixed him completely, and that was nobody's fault, they were only doing their best. That was the whole of it though, Kuroko was fragile, he broke and broke further until all that was left of him were pale shards of shadow that couldn't be pieced together again.
The only thing that was for certain though, despite the loss, Kagami would be able to defeat Aomine, it was only a matter of time. He was still tapping into his power, by the next game, the Winter Cup, surely, Kagami would have it then. After that, Kagami would take his place in the room of prodigies, he would be on par with the Generation of Miracles.
When that happened, Kuroko would certainly be of no use.
After the game, the weight of defeat heavy on their shoulders, they parted ways and Kuroko disappeared, content to make his own way home. He contemplated calling Kise, but he figured the blond already knew what had happened. What would he tell him anyways? After a few minutes of quiet walking, his phone was flooded with text messages; four from Momoi, one from Kise, and one from Midorima, surprisingly.
He silenced his phone and continued on, looking forward to falling asleep.
By the time he reached his door, Momoi and Kise had sent him two more texts each. He dropped his phone on his bed and didn't bother taking a shower. Kuroko was tired, he wanted to sleep. Before he could though, his doorbell rang.
It was Hyuga who realized it first.
He looked around the gym, noticing after a moment or two that a distinctly blue head of hair was missing. He announced his observation to the team and immediately everyone looked around, expecting Kuroko to pop up and say that he'd been their the whole time.
But he really wasn't there.
He'd been in class, Kagami had seen him, but none of them could believe that Kuroko would actually skip practice. They'd all seen him after the match with Aomine, it didn't take a genius to see that he took it hard. It just seemed extremely out of character for Kuroko to flat out not show up. Then again, how much did they really know about Kuroko? Kagami was an easy read, Kuroko wasn't, and everyone else had history with each other.
Riko tasked Kagami with confronting Kuroko about his absence when he saw him next before starting practice.
The following day, Kagami found Kuroko before class and pulled him aside to talk. He seemed more sullen than usual.
"You weren't at practice."
"I went home, I wasn't feeling well," was his dull reply.
For the next few days, Kagami dragged Kuroko into practice. For the next few days, Kuroko practiced at no higher than one fourth power, and that was if Riko could actually get him onto the court. For the next few days, Kuroko barely spoke, his eyes grew hazy whenever he thought no one was looking at him.
The team had a quiet understanding of the fact that the match with Aomine had changed something. Kuroko was extremely affected, more so than they thought possible, but there was also the common urge to haul the boy onto the court and force him to play.
Riko benched him after the third day. He stopped talking completely and his presence dimmed further. At one point, Mitobe almost ran into him, Hyuga walked right past him, Koganei sat next to him and didn't acknowledge him. They were only momentary, lasting a minute or two at most, but that didn't change the fact that they still happened.
Kuroko disappeared in the middle of practice one day and no one noticed. Riko realized the fact when practice ended and tried to call him. She knew it wouldn't work, he hadn't answered any of their calls, or text messages, it didn't matter who sent them.
He was waiting for it, he knew it was coming.
It took a week, but Kagami walked into class, looked around and shrugged before taking his seat in front of Kuroko.
To say it didn't hurt would be a lie. Somewhere, the part of Kuroko that was hoping he was wrong was struck in the heart. But the Kuroko who'd been trudging along, barely able to cling to the edges of the void, that one knew it was only a matter of time. Kuroko didn't bother with notes, he only scratched his pencil absently across his paper and watched.
Twenty minutes later, Kagami's shoulders suddenly tensed, he'd finally noticed that Kuroko had been in the classroom the entire time. It never took much longer than a handful of minutes for Kagami to notice him, and that was generally if Kagami was putting most of his mental faculties to work thinking about something else. But he'd walked into class, looked around, for Kuroko specifically, and not seen him.
That was what he'd been waiting for. The final support in his already cracking foundation broke and Kuroko embraced the free fall once again.
Riko was in a panic.
Kagami told her about what had transpired that morning, and how Kuroko had continued to fade in and out as the day went on. He didn't show up for practice either and they all took turns calling and texting him, despite the fact that they knew he wouldn't answer.
Kuroko didn't show up to school the following day.
Or the next.
Or the one after that.
They knew for a fact that they weren't just failing to notice him. A substitute teacher called role, Kuroko wasn't there for the entire week.
They congregated on the court, sitting in a lumpy circle while Riko stepped out to make a phone call. Kagami was spinning the ring on his chain, Hyuga was fiddling with his glasses. Everyone was worried. They didn't know Kuroko's address, so they couldn't check up on him, especially when he didn't take their calls. When Riko called off practice for the day, they all knew the situation was worse than they'd thought. She motioned for Hyuga and Kagami to follow her.
A silence fell over them as they walked down the streets, Riko didn't tell them were they were headed.
Momoi was waiting for them at the front door of the fast food joint Kuroko frequented. She looked more worried than them, the left side of her bottom lip was chewed up, as were her finger nails, her eyes even seemed sad. They sat down and she wasted no time in telling them that Kuroko wasn't answering her calls either. She knew what was going on and in quiet sentences, she told them of the crippling depressive episodes Kuroko endured during their time at Teiko and afterwards. She explained that Akashi had to bench him for a couple of games because he was incapable of playing. She explained that the original plan was to have Kuroko go to high school with Momoi so she could keep an eye on him, but that would mean being with Aomine as well, so the plan was changed so that Kuroko would go with Kise. She told them how he was good at hiding it until it became too much, how he would wait for the deciding factors before finally accepting it.
"Kuroko's depression is quiet," Momoi said finally.
Riko had listened with a soft worry, Hyuga was stone faced though his fists were clenched tight, knuckles white. It was Kagami whose emotions were splayed out. He was worried, angry, heart filled with disbelief.
Momoi took them to Kuroko's home, a small, unassuming apartment but stopped suddenly at the door. He wasn't home. Whenever Kuroko left, the black doormat would be nudged away from the wall, and when he returned, he'd push it back in place. She pulled a piece of paper from her bag and scribbled a note, wedging it into Kuroko's door.
"Let me take care of Kuroko," she said, "You all need to focus on your games."
Momoi watched them all walk away, biting her lip again. She and Kise had visited Kuroko after the match with Aomine, they knew he wouldn't take it well, especially not after whatever it was that Aomine said to him. It was different than the depression in middle school, they both knew that Kuroko would have a hard time coping. They didn't stay long, Kise made Kuroko tea, then made him promise to take a shower before Momoi held him in a hug until her arms began to cramp up.
Riko was horrified, and heart broken, staring at the single sheet of paper in her hands. Her team was staring, she wordlessly held out the paper to Hyuga and sat down. Hyuga scanned over the paper and nearly dropped it. Kagami's gaze was question enough.
"It's Kuroko's formal resignation," he whispered.
Kuroko was already walking home when they read the letter. Maybe he should feel guilty, but he didn't. It was a numb day, that was probably why he did it. It went in cycles, crushing guilt and fear and sadness and anxiety turned into nothing at all, he was hollow. His phone was either always on silent, or at home. His missed calls and texts were getting closer to triple digits.
He was a hindrance to the team, without him to worry about, they'd definitely be able to push farther, Kagami would grow brighter. Yes, it was definitely better.
Momoi was standing by his door when he got home and he let her inside without question. Her eyes were full of unshed tears, but Kuroko didn't process that fact. Though, he could figure out that she was here because Riko had called her, how she beat him home, he wasn't sure. He shut the door and dropped his bag, disappearing into his small kitchen to make a cup of tea for them both, it was the polite thing to do. She was waiting for him, not crying yet.
Kuroko sunk to the floor, arranging his exhausted limbs to keep him up while he waited for Momoi to say whatever it was that she was going to say. He wanted to sleep, but he forced himself awake, waiting. Momoi finished her tea and stood up, not a word passed her lips. She pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead before leaving.
When the door was shut, Kuroko fell asleep on the floor.
Momoi was in the middle of looking for Aomine when her phone rang. Riko's number was growing more and more familiar and she hated that. The smaller girl sounded on the verge of tears, stuttering her way through her words. Apparently, Kuroko had sat in on practice and not one of them had seen him until they heard the gym door swing shut and they saw a flash of light blue. Momoi consoled her with the promise of attempted help and hung up.
Part of her wanted to be angry with the Seirin Team, forgetting Kuroko like that. But she couldn't be, it wasn't their fault. They really were worried about Kuroko, but they'd only known him less than a year, they weren't tuned in to his presence like she was. She called Kise and told him to 'get his ass over to Kuroko's immediately'.
She needed to do more though, because it was worse this time and she wasn't sure if it could be patched up with just her and Kise. What she wanted to do was call Midorima, have the old vice captain see Kuroko, if only because the change of face would help. She wanted to grab Aomine and drag him to Kuroko's, force the two of them to talk.
But it wouldn't work, all she could do right now was console Kuroko's team and hope that she and Kise could at least try to help.
Kuroko wasn't all that surprised when Kise walked into his apartment. Either he'd left the door open or Momoi had copied his key when they came over after the match with Aomine. The taller boy had a few grocery bags in his hand and Kuroko didn't question it.
He was splayed out in his pajamas on the floor, staring a the wall. Kise didn't try to talk to him, he only crouched down and ruffled his hair before going to the kitchen. Kuroko closed his eyes. Riko must have called Momoi who called Kise, maybe he should change his locks again.
Kise returned with a mug of tea and one of the grocery bags.
"Movie?" he asked, setting the things down on the small table.
Kuroko nodded and Kise grinned.
He easily picked Kuroko up off the floor and wrapped him in a blanket, settling him on the couch and handing him the mug. The grocery bag was full of packaged junk food and candy and Kuroko had no problem with binge eating at that moment. They spent the evening watching his meager move collection, and when they finished, Kise picked a book and read aloud, like Kuroko used to do.
Eventually, Kuroko fell asleep and Kise called Momoi to tell her that he was all right for now.
The thud of a basketball on the ground seemed so foreign. The park was bustling, the courts full of younger children who barely had a clue how to play the game. Kuroko sat on a bench, glazed eyes moving with every bounce of the ball. It was the weekend, he had no obligations. He'd gotten a text from Riko saying that she'd come by and pick him up if he wanted to sit in on practice. He'd not replied, only turning off his phone. He wasn't actively trying to be mean, really. He was only trying to make them see that they should all just stop.
He was thankful, of course, that they cared so much, but it was hindering their progress.
His plan probably wasn't so well thought out, Riko would call Momoi, who would probably call Kise and then one or the other would come looking for him. But he didn't care, he was tired. Everything seemed to take too much energy.
So, when both of them showed up, Kuroko didn't bother fighting, climbing onto Kise's back when the boy offered. They walked him home, Momoi splitting off half way, saying that she had to get back to practice, kissing his cheek before going. Kise took him the rest of the way, tucking him into bed and ruffling his hair before leaving.
Seirin won their games, somehow. Kuroko couldn't be convinced to even watch the matches on television, much less actually attending. He was done with basketball, done with most everything.
Momoi tried.
She ran about, trying to pull the other members of the Generation of Miracles to talk to him. No one took the bait. Kuroko changed his locks again in an effort to deter her. He didn't want to hurt her, Momoi was a good friend. He wasn't. That was all it came down to.
Kise tried.
He called Kuroko every day, despite knowing the call wouldn't be answered. He eventually started sending hand written letters, in an attempt to get through to him. They didn't work. He didn't want to hurt him, Kise was a good friend. He wasn't. That was all it came down to.
Even Kagami tried.
In school, he actively looked for Kuroko, even though he could barely see him on good days. The fire that lit inside him came from the will to avenge Kuroko, for lack of a better term. He would beat Aomine, he would prove to Kuroko that it was possible. He didn't know that that was what would cinch the deal even further. He didn't want to hurt him, Kagami was a good friend. He wasn't. That was all it came down to.
So, when the day came and they all stopped, Kuroko was relieved. They stopped because it was obvious that their Kuroko was no longer present. He was patient, he waited until they'd all accepted the fact. And when they finally all went away, Kuroko let himself fall faster through the void, not caring at all.
He was only a shadow after all, no one would ever miss a shadow.