Chapter 1
Aaron ran. His feet carried him over the dry ground, taking him further mile after mile. It was like the only way out of his head. The only way to stop feeling, to stop hurting. He couldn't cry, couldn't scream, couldn't even get mad. It was his fault. He'd messed up. He'd messed up so bad. Katie was dead. And it was his fault. Everybody thought that it had been an accident, but it hadn't. He'd gotten her into that old farm. If he hadn't only thought about his own feelings. His own goddamn petty anger towards Robert, nothing would have happened. Robert would still have married Chrissie, they would still be over. But that way Katie would still be alive.
It was his fault.
All of it.
But the worst of it, the thing that disgusted him more than anything was the fact that he still wanted him. He still wanted Robert. More than anything he wanted to feel his warm body press against his. He wanted Robert to kiss him, to fuck him. To take his mind and body apart like he did every time when they were together. He missed that complete feeling of freedom when he was with Robert. That feeling of belonging and complete calmness of his mind. Usually he just felt angry and up fronted with the world. But being with Robert took that feeling away. Robert made him forget. And he needed that, more than anything, he needed that.
But that was the exact reason he couldn't be with Robert anymore.
He didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve that moment of happiness. Katie was dead. Andy had lost the love of his life. They couldn't be happy and that meant he couldn't be happy either.
And he didn't have the illusion that Robert and him would ever work out anyway. To Robert he was nothing but a warm body. He'd said as much on his wedding day. In the end Robert would always choose Chrissie. And he couldn't deal with that. He wanted Robert, all of him. And he knew he would never have that. So he'd rather have none.
His breathe was leaving his body in angry puffs. He felt his heart hammering in his chest and the drought in his throat. His eyes were beginning to feel watery and his sight was starting to become unclear.
He knew he needed to stop. He'd pushed his body over the edge already and if he went on he might lose consciousness.
He pushed his feet even harder down on the ground and took a sprint towards the scrapyard.
More.
He needed more.
It wasn't enough. His mind was still running in circles.
He still thought of Katie, of Andy, of Robert.
The image of Katie falling entered his mind once again.
Stop.
He knew he hadn't actually been there when it happened, but his nightmares had provided him with enough clear images.
He could hear her scream, her voice broken and scared.
Stop.
He ran faster and faster, till his feet barely touched the ground.
Her body flying through the air
Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. He felt nauseous, but still he went on. He needed to go on.
Her broken body on the floor, blood dripping out of her skull. Andy's cries as he held his dead wife in his arms for the final time.
Stop. Please make it stop.
His skin felt too tight, his lungs to small. There was not enough air. He felt like he couldn't breathe. There was a pounding in his head and everything looked unclear.
He pushed his feet forward as he ran on, as he reached the one thing he needed right now.
The perfect silence of his mind. No memories. No thoughts.
No Katie.
No Andy.
No Robert.
Those few precious seconds that made the whole run worth it. Complete silence.
But it never lasted long enough, as Aaron blinked his eyes again, he knew he'd reached his limit. He came to a sudden halt as he bent forward. He sank to his knees as his body cramped together. His breakfast came up and he retched at the side of the road. His body heaving. He bent forward and pulled his knees against his body. He breathed through his mouth and sat there waiting till his heart calmed down and his breathing returned to a more normal rate. It took a long time. More so every day.
Not before long all the thoughts returned and with them the same feelings of shame, guilt and longing.
He slowly got off of the ground and forced himself to take a few steps. He felt completely broken and barely managed to keep himself upright. Slowly he made his way back to Emmerdale. He needed to take a shower and get a few hours of sleep before the need to run took over again.
xXx
"I don't care how you do it. Just make sure that it's done by the end of the day or you will have a whole lot of more trouble. Do you understand me?! Another mistake like this and you won't have a job to return to tomorrow."
Robert hang up before the woman on the other end of the line had any change to answer. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Sometimes he wondered if there were any capable employees in this world. It seemed that they needed him to spell out every little thing and somehow they still managed to mess things up. Calling it frustrating was naming it lightly.
He grabbed his half empty mug from the counter and just finished the last of his coffee as Chrissie entered the kitchen area. "Morning honey," she said as she walked towards him and gave him a quick kiss.
Robert simply grunted, his mind still on the problems at work and the day laying ahead of him.
"You've got any plans for today?" she asked. He could clearly hear the underlying demand. Do you have the chance to spend the day with me? Which he really didn't. There were a lot of things that needed his attention and spending the day with Chrissie wasn't his priority. And if he was completely honest he didn't really feel like spending time with her anyway. Not right now.
A pang of frustration entered his mind. There was somebody else he would like to spend the day with, but he knew he couldn't anymore. He wanted Aaron and it frustrated him that he couldn't have him.
And those feelings of frustration and want, frustrated him even more. It angered him to no end that anyone could have that kind of influence over him. He'd never needed anybody in his life. He was independent and prided himself for being able to fix his own problems, to never need anybody. He didn't have the need for anybody's approval or admiration. All he'd ever cared about were his own opinions and needs. Not to say that he didn't care for other people, but he didn't need them the way most people seemed to need others. He'd never had a problem cutting lose ties with people that didn't provide him with any kind of advantage or fulfill certain needs.
He'd had one night's stands in the past. Slept with men and woman. Before Chrissie he pretty much slept with whomever he wanted whenever he wanted. Cause that's what all those people were to him, a means to an end. A way to attain his needs.
With Aaron it had been different. He'd found that sleeping with him once didn't fulfill that flaming desire that had been burning inside his mind ever since he'd first laid eyes upon the younger man. No, the first time he'd fucked him only seemed to have increased that deep craving. He kept on wanting him. Something made him come back to Aaron time and time again.
From the beginning of their affair he'd known it was a big mistake. Ever since the start of his relationship with Chrissie he'd made sure never to sleep with another man more than once. He'd made sure to keep it simple and away from home. Anything to keep Chrissie from finding out about his extramarital activities.
But with Aaron he'd crossed his own boundaries and rules over and over again. He'd told himself time and time again that he'd to end whatever it was they were doing. But every time he'd given himself a reason to continue. Every time he'd told himself to break it off later. But he never had. He continued seeing Aaron despite his better judgement. Up until the point where Aaron had made it clear to him that they were truly over and done with.
Yet the younger man remained on Robert's mind like a fever he couldn't shake.
Robert shrugged, getting out of his chair as he placed his mug on the counter. "I've got work to do," he answered Chrissie shortly.
Chrissie pushed away her plate and pulled out her pleading face. "Ah, Robert please. We just got married, but it feels like we haven't spent any time together since. Can't you take the day off?"
Robert could feel his irritation starting to grow and before he could stop himself he'd snapped: "I said no. I don't have the time, not right now. Not with everything going on."
"Fine," she said, her tone of voice hurt and disappointed. She sat herself down at the breakfast table and steadily avoided his gaze. "You do what you have to do. I'll be fine."
Robert sighed silently, annoyed, but also feeling guilty all of a sudden. He knew he hadn't been the greatest of husbands lately. With everything going on with Andy and Katie's death, he'd failed to pay much attention to his newlywed. This should be the start of a wonderful live together, but instead he managed to worry and care more for all the other important people in his life.
"You know what," he said, his voice indulgently. "How about we go out tonight? Have a nice dinner and spend the evening together? Just the two of us."
Chrissie looked up at him, pursing her lips. He could tell she was considering his offer.
"Fine," she said after a short moment, a smile playing at her lips. "You better make it worth my while."
He walked over to his wife and caressed her cheek with his right hand. "You've have my word," he murmured before grabbing his bag and heading off to work.
xXx
It had been a long day. Sometimes you had one of those days where nothing was going your way and everybody seemed to be against you. Today had been one of those days. Robert was tired and irritated. In addition he'd been dreading his evening with Chrissie. Normally he always looked forward to a quiet evening in with her, but right now he didn't feel like spending time with her. He didn't want to have to listen to her whining about Lachlan all evening. Yet he knew it was important that he spend more time with his wife because lately he really had been neglecting her.
Initially he'd planned to return home right away, but as he drove his Audi into the village, he decided to stop by the store first to buy a bottle of wine for the evening he had planned.
He parked his car at the edge of the village and walked across the cobblestones toward the store. In his mind he was already planning the upcoming evening with Chrissie. Ever since their wedding day he could count the times they had had sex on one hand. Sex kept a relationship alive and maybe it would help him to focus his mind on something other than the brown haired man who made the most beautiful sounds when laying beneath Robert.
Just then Aaron came running into view and it seemed he was running Robert's way. As far as Robert could tell Aaron hadn't seen him yet. He had his head bowed down and earphones in his ears. He seemed lost to the world around him. Robert couldn't help but stare at his flexing muscles. Dressed in black jogging pants and a thin shirt he looked anything but innocent. Sweat dripped down his body causing his shirt to stick to his skin in the most obscene way.
Before he realized he wanted to say anything he'd called out Aaron's name.
Aaron looked up at the sound of his name and just managed to avoid bumping into Robert. He came to a sudden halt, about 20 inches apart from Robert. His pupils were dilated and his chest was working hard to get enough air into his lungs. His eyes found Robert's and an emotion Robert couldn't place passed Aaron's features.
For a moment they stood in the twilight, in the stillness of the early evening. Aaron's gaze on Robert and Robert looking right back. Aaron opened his mouth as if to say something, but after a moment he closed his mouth again and turned around, moving in the direction of the pub.
The sound of his moving footsteps deceased and Robert found himself standing on his own again. For a moment he hesitated, knowing that he'd to go back home, to Chrissie, who was waiting for him.
Instead he turned around and followed Aaron's footsteps in their wake.