all the light that would shine
"He will hate you, Harry, and would you be able to blame him? The only one who gets to tell you how your story ends is you. Do you want him to grow up like this?" :: Harry & Ginny, dealing with PTSD, the naming of their kids, and the legacies old men leave behind.
...
When Harry says the words, Ginny feels her heart shatter in ways it never has before. This seems like a moment that could only happen in the Muggle tragedies her father used to bring home, not in the house she and Harry built together from scratch.
"You want to name our child after those vile men?" Ginny says, her voice half pleading, half screaming. When Harry flinches at her tone, she doesn't have it in her to apologize. Harry has it in him to kind and forgiving. She's still the girl dying on a cold chamber floor and it makes her merciless.
"Gin," Harry tries and for a minute, Ginny's sure he's going to finish his sentence and convince her, with his charm and eagerness and the kind of genuineness that makes him Harry. It seems like the future is set until he's falling into her arms, racking with sobs, and Ginny doesn't have it in her to be cruel either.
Not to Harry. Never to Harry. Not to the only person in the world who understands the horrors she's lived through.
That night, Ginny scoops baby James into her arms and carries him with her into the master bedroom. Harry looks up in surprise when Ginny places James between them and locks the door, placing a hand on her stomach.
"I can feel it's not going to be a good night," Ginny tells him and Harry's body stiffens.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, but it'll a good name. It'll be an honourable name for our child," Harry says, squeezing her hand.
Ginny lets him, but she doesn't squeeze back. "I have seen those men without the charades, Harry. I don't care about how honourable they were. They sent you out like a pig for slaughter. They were — are — the reason you are still stuck in this cycle of death and I refuse to name our next child after them."
Harry doesn't respond to that, but he keeps holding her hand as James snores between them, no interruptions but the moonlight streaking in from the window as a family of four struggles to hang on.
It is almost a silent apology, but Harry says nothing and she cannot let this go.
...
Ginny wakes up four times that night, muffling silent screams. The first time, Harry's face is contoured horrifically and she wraps the blanket around him tighter. The second time, James is in Harry's lap as he sleeps and Ginny strokes her son's unruly hair, so similar to her husband's that it takes her breath away.
The third time Ginny wakes up, Harry is awake too, staring out the window.
"Hi, Gin," he says, so quietly she can barely hear. "Nightmares?"
"As per usual," she says, stretching and hearing the familiar pops as her body releases its tension. "What time is it?"
"Too early." Harry places James down onto the bed and stands up. "Stay with James and I'll go make tea?"
When Ginny nods, Harry turns around and disappears into the dark hallway. Watching him go, Ginny feels almost guilty about her outburst earlier. He's so good, Harry, but he's maniacal in his choices and worships. A boy that broken chooses no healthy heroes.
With that thought racing through her mind, Ginny pulls her child towards her and cradles him in her chest. James lets out a faint sound and Ginny breathes in the smell of him.
The fourth time Ginny awakens, a steaming cup of tea and a plate of hot pancakes rest on the bedside table under a warming charm. Beside her, Harry is so close she can feel the rise and fall of his chest.
It is a storybook moment she could never have believed would have happened before. Her husband and first son by her side, the sun's warm rays illuminating the room and a feeling of contentedness in her stomach.
This is what she fought for, this is what she almost died for. She cannot let the darkness a name like that would bring into her house. She cannot tarnish her son's life.
…
The living room is filled with cosy and mismatched armchairs, a smattering of pillows, and everything her mother gave them in order to beautify the house. It's usually the perfect place to have a conversation neither of them want to have, but today, Ginny isn't sure. Still, she has never been the kind of person who runs away from challenges and situations that are too hard to handle and she doesn't intend to start now.
As she sits back in her chair, Harry tenses. Ginny can see the way he sits at the corner of the sofa, the way his eyes dart side to side in anxiousness. It's the cruelest kind of irony — Harry bleeds for the world like nobody else and Ginny knows he'd never run from it — but this situation makes even the lions want to bolt.
"Harry," Ginny begins and the sound of his name makes Harry fall off the sofa, crumbing to the floor in the sheer shock of being dragged out of his mind. Ginny watches, shaking her head in horrified amusement as he shakes off the pain.
"Stop laughing," Harry pleads and Ginny muffles her snickers as the hysterical laughter threatens to overwhelm. By Merlin, they're both such a mess. Sometimes it amazes her that they have both been able to pretend to be functioning adults long enough to get to this point.
""I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you, Potter," Ginny informs him.
Harry climbs back onto the chair with a sigh, rubbing his hurt lower body with a pained look. "And I'm trying to subtly avoid it, apparently."
Ginny sobers at his words. By then, the previous amusement and light atmosphere has completely dispelled. It's time to get the real answers now. "Harry, I can't do this. I can't just stand back like a pretty housewife and let you make a mistake this big."
A silence follows that. And then, "Why are you so adamant this is a mistake, Ginny? They were heroes. We went to their funerals and I cried because I miss them. Dumbledore and Snape may not have been perfect, but they did heroic things and they tried to protect me. I want to honour them."
Ginny shakes her head at that, ignoring the bitter disgust those words invoke. "Dumbledore groomed you to die and Snape was the reason you had to. I'd think a lot more careful before I'd call that heroic. You weren't there the year the Carrows rules. He just stood by and let it happen and I don't care if it was his cover. He could have gained trust from the start by being kind."
As she stops, Harry lets out a pained sigh. "You still don't get it, Gin. Snape's patronus was a doe, like my mother's. He dedicated his life to protecting me after he failed her. And Dumbledore died from the ring, trying to save us all. That's true bravery."
Ginny imitates his sigh, adding in a snort of her own as her husband finishes speaking. "You don't get it either. Snape was cruel and a bully and he was downright stalkerish to your mother. Had it not been for Lily, he never would have helped you. And Dumbledore? I laid in a chamber because he couldn't be arsed to properly ensure the safety of the school—remember Quirrel and Moody? Because trust me, I can't forget."
Harry goes quiet at that. Ginny hasn't even realized that she had stood up and she sits down with a sharp drop onto the couch, letting Harry think about what kind of fire he has lit in her.
"I want to name him Albus Severus still," Harry admits quietly, his tone shameful. "I know I'm going to be hated for this, and I never meant to hurt you, Gin, but I truly do. I want him to get the good parts of them—to be brave, and to be cunning, and to know the greater good."
"I don't believe in the greater good, Harry," Ginny shoots back, her tone vicious in its bite. "Our family, we're the greatest good you're going to get and I don't understand how you don't see that."
Harry looks down miserably, clasping his hands together so tightly that Ginny can see the veins stand out. "Does that make me a bad person for not regretting it?"
"Oh please, Harry." Ginny shakes her head bitterly. "You wouldn't know how to be a bad person if I taught you. You're just confused, but there is a time and place for everything and naming our son after those two now just isn't it."
The atmosphere in the room has gone from stifling to downright toxic in the time they have been speaking. Ginny has never been much for prayers, but in that moment, she prays to any deity that this won't destroy her and Harry. For James, who is too young to lose them, and for her and Harry, who have come too far too lose it all now.
"Do you think he'll hate us for it?" Harry whispers quietly, his voice carrying in the silent room.
"He doesn't care now." Unconsciously, Ginny feels her hands go to her stomach as if to protect her unborn son. How ironic are they, a red-headed mother and her messy haired husband having a child in a world still far from peaceful. Sometimes, Ginny feels as if she will drown in the cycles that consume her. "But he will. The type of bravery Snape and Dumbledore had was diluted at the best and cruel at the honest. He will hate you, Harry and would you be able to blame him? The only one who gets to tell you how your story ends is you. Do you want him to grow up like this?"
"No." Harry ducks his head shamefully. "But my life was far from easy, Gin, and I made it through it. I want him to be a kind of person that Dumbledore and Snape couldn't afford to be."
At the solid set to his jaw, Ginny feels some small, still naive despite it all, part crumble. How foolish would she think that her words would solve anything? Harry, her closest confidante and the only person she has ever loved like this — passionately, wildly, with all her heart — cannot be put back together so easily. Still, Ginny refuses to crumble. Today, her child will be named Albus Severus, but he will spite them.
No matter what Albus turns out to be, whether it is a cunning fox of a boy, inhaling the whispers like air, or a loud, reckless Lionheart, he will be more than either man could have ever become. His existence will be a spit on both their graves, and Ginny intends to cherish that, to imagine Severus Snape turning in horror at the sight of a Potter being named after him.
"Gin," Harry says, still as a statue. His skin is so pale Ginny thinks it may rival snow in its purest form as he reaches out halfway to her hand, tone pleading her permission. "Please, say something. Can we get through this?"
Too young, too brave, too kind. Ginny always wants to laugh at the thought that this is the boy the world decided to target and break.
"You know that we will," she says, lacing their hands together. Harry exhales so loudly he coughs, a relieved smile breaking through his exterior. "And I will be there for when you have your regrets. It's all fixable."
"You think?" Harry asks, his tone hesitantly teasing.
Ginny looks at him, this boy who has betrayed what she thought for and who has committed the most unspeakable of crimes, who tosses and turns in their shared bed and who cuddles their child and brings her breakfast in bed. Harry, who will be the best kind of father once he learns.
She has made so many mistakes before — a diary that spoke back, boys who never loved her, injuries that plagued her, a war whose effects still break her — and yet, she is here, breathing and learning and fighting and almost breaking from the red-hot hope that runs through her veins. Harry has time. They both do.
"Yes," Ginny teases back. "I do."
...
Written for:
Care of Magical Creatures: Task #2: Write about an unspeakable crime
Disney Challenge: Flounder - Write about a supportive friend.
Character Appreciation: Write about being betrayed
Showtime: Funny Honey - (dialogue) "He doesn't care."
Days of the month: Get Over It Day - Write about a character getting over something.
Count Your Buttons: (song) "Retribution Blues" by One Bad Son, (dialogue) "You know that we will," (word) Permission
Lyric Alley: It's the price we pay when it comes to love
A Year In Entertainment: Song: "Can't Stop Lovin' You" by Van Halen - (dialogue) "There's a time and place for everything."
Liza's Loves: The Mime - Alt - Write about making a mistake
Caffeine Awareness: Vienna Coffee - (word) Diluted
Scavenger Hunt: Write about a parent
Jewel Challenge: Diamond: Ring - Write about something difficult, Bracelet - Write about someone with good fortune, Necklace - Write about a strong character
Library Lovers: Every Heart A Doorway - (Dialogue) "The only one who gets to tell you how your story ends is you," (Word) Statue, (Plot point) Trying to go back home
Crafty Cooking Corner: Lemongrass: Word - Stalk, Dialogue - "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you!" / "And I'm trying to subtly avoid it."