Summary: Get inside Damon's head and understand why he's continuing to cling onto that specific memory with Elena. You'll feel his pain, you'll feel his struggle and you'll get a look into his heart. Takes place during the closing scene of 8x01
Authors Note: I don't own Vampire Diaries if I did Katherine Pierce would still be alive and Elena Gilbert would be the one that evil herself fears.
Eyes' absentmindedly scanning along the road as everything around them becomes a blur. Flicking his cobalt hues up towards the night sky noticing that the stars don't seem as bright tonight or maybe it's just him. Hell nothing in his life is bright anymore it's all filled with darkness but even in the darkness, he's able to find peace. Feeling that he needs it now after the encounter he had with Stefan and Bonnie he allows his head to lean back against the passenger side seat making himself as comfortable as he possibly can. Eyes falling closed as he begins to will himself to sleep desperate to find the smallest of peace.
"You think they'll ever give up?"
The question stirring Damon from the sleep he is trying to find not missing the edge of vulnerability in Enzo's voice but now isn't the time for pillow talk "don't know" of course he knows. Bonnie and Stefan, especially Stefan won't give up. Hell, the second he had heard the crack of the broom in the slaughter house Damon knew Stefan wouldn't make things easy as it pierced through his flesh. It made Damon recall the werewolf bite how he had already said his goodbyes and given up. Daylight ring off, arms raised in surrender waiting for death to come and he had been so close, practically kissing death only for Stefan to interrupt it completely. Stefan and his hero hair always trying to save the day and Stefan the saint trying to save the devil known as his brother.
"Do you think this will ever end or are we destined to play this part till the end of our days if there is even and end?"
Can't the guy take a hint? Isn't Damon's silence enough to tell him he's in no mood to talk? The question alone haunting him and frightening him but of course he won't admit it because he doesn't feel anything at least that's what he makes it out to be. A displeased growl escaping him as his eyes finally open not hiding the agitation he's feeling "I spend practically every second of every day with you and the one time I'm able to rid myself of you is through sleep which I am trying to do now so considering my silence isn't helping you take the hint let me fill in the blanks….shut up."
"Have it your way mate"
Damon doesn't miss the way he flinches at his dismissive tone or the lingering look he gives him before his eyes settle straight ahead. He doesn't apologize for his brash behavior or try to fix things with his dry humor instead he settles back in his seat, closes his eyes and waits for darkness to take over. It's this darkness that he welcomes no embraces because it's within this darkness where he finds light.
It was an odd feeling that he wasn't just thinking about the past but actually looking upon it. His eyes focused on the man decked in black lying on the road looking up at the stars wondering what the universe had in store for him. So much his past self only thinking about Katherine and how he had been longing to start forever with her poor oblivious bastard if only he knew then what he knew now. Then again he was grateful to his past self-considering if he hadn't been on this road he would never have encountered Elena. If he hadn't been so strung up on Katherine that voice wouldn't have drawn him to find her.
"I know Bonnie"
Speaking of there was that voice. The voice alone causing his past self and even him to instantly perk up. Past Damon drawing himself up at the ill hope of this actually being Katherine and the Damon now finding himself suddenly reborn because he knows its Elena. Both Damon's attention locked on the girl who is now standing on the road talking on her phone. Past Damon looking at her in complete awe while present Damon's eyes reflect only love because he knows exactly who this is.
"Katherine"
Honestly, he wants to laugh as the name slips past his older self's lips. He wants to shake him for being such an idiot seeing as all logic points to Katherine still being in the tomb and yet here his past self stands with the ill hope it's her but the laugh never escapes him as he's hit with the fact the when it's come to matters of the heart logic has never won. Even after all these years, it's still gotten the best of him. Recent events proving that as he walked deeper into the vault at the sound of Elena's voice calling to him. All logic had pointed to the fact that it wasn't possible because she was in a warehouse in Brooklyn and yet even knowing those facts he was still drawn to seek her out. Look where it got me and yet he knows even now if he had been given a do over the end result would have been the same. He would have walked into the darkness at the hope of finding the light.
"Um no I'm Elena"
"You're so much more than that" he whispers to himself. This right now being a past memory one that doesn't change simply plays out. It's as if he's watching a movie that he ends up tilting 'The Story of Us.'
"Oh" disappointment clear in his past self's tone as he continues to study her making perfectly sure to rule out that this is in fact not Katherine.
"It's better this way. You don't know it yet but years from now you'll find yourself standing right where I am holding onto this moment for dear life in hopes to draw you to keep fighting" his past self continuing the conversation with Elena as Damon looks on.
"Life, future…he got it all mapped out"
"You don't want it?"
"I don't know what I want."
"You want a love that consumes you; you want passion, adventure, and even a little danger."
The comment alone causing Damon's breath to hitch as that same realization always hit him "it was me" he softly whispers. "I didn't know it at the time but passion, adventure and even a little danger I was describing myself…I was describing us." This next part of the conversation had always been Damon's favorite part even though at the time the question had shaken Damon to his very core.
"So what do you want?"
Watching his past self taken aback by such a question and leaving him absolutely speechless and for good reason. No one had ever cared enough to ask Damon about his dreams, desires, wants and passions but here was this girl caring enough to ask. The kindness she had shown him stunning him as he had tried to formulate an answer. Unfortunately, that answer never came as the sound of a horn breaks them both out of their trance.
"Love" doing what his past self never had the chance to do. "All I wanted was love. To be loved unconditionally, to be accepted and good enough" swallowing hard as his eyes remain locked on past Damon compelling Elena to forget this moment. Watching as she gets into her parent's car and disappears from his sight.
Past Damon finally stepping out from the shadows as a soft sigh escapes him wondering if he had done the right thing by letting her go without remembering this moment. Walking over so that he can stand beside him he offers his past self a smile.
"That wasn't just a stranger you encountered that was your soul-mate and everything you wanted was found in her."
This time it was different. This time he had taken the place of his past self now lying on the road and waiting for her. This time he would have the chance to communicate with her and he didn't need to worry about scaring her off because this was his dream that he was manipulating. This time Damon wouldn't be so closed off he'd talk to her the way he wanted to without any walls or masks.
"I know Bonnie"
That voice stirring something inside of him as he rises to his feet, following it until it leads him to Elena standing on the road having a conversation with Bonnie. He remains silent waiting for her to end the call "rough night" he drawls out. Even now she still jumps at his sudden appearance causing him to hang back. "Apologies I didn't mean to startle you I'm Damon."
"I'm Elena and not to be rude or anything Damon but it's kind of creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere" she curtly states still weary of him.
A slight chuckle escaping him as he nods his head "yeah I suppose it is but in my defense you're out here too" he smoothly supplies.
"Got into a fight with my boyfriend"
"Ah, I see" instead of asking about what like he had in the past he chooses another route. "Trust me I get it why do you think I'm out here rather than over there" gesturing towards the back of the woods were the party is going on.
"You got in a fight with your boyfriend as well" a giggle escaping her.
The giggle ringing in Damon's ears noticing the way her nose crinkles. "Funny" giving a slight roll of his eyes.
"Well if it's not because of a boy then why are you out here?"
"Doesn't it always come down to a woman" hell saying it now he can't help but realize how those words alone describe him. How every choice he has made has been because of his love for a woman.
"So girlfriend troubles then" Elena breaking the silence "let me guess she caught you looking at another girl and instead of apologizing you played it off as if it was nothing?"
If only it were that simple. That is something I could control. Piercing baby blues remaining trained on Elena "far from. I would never look anywhere but her" his eyes never leaving hers "she takes my breath away."
The intensity of his gaze causing her to look away for a moment before forcing herself to look back at him "th-then what's the problem?"
"I lost her"
The brokenness in Damon's tone stunning Elena as her brows furrow in confusion trying to understand the cryptic nature of his statement.
His attention never once wavering and he doesn't miss the intake of breath that escapes her with the way he's looking at her. Even if he tries to withhold it he can't he looks at her as he's always looked at her like she's his saving grace. With a soft sigh, he moves past her and parks it on the curb of the road. Lips pursed together thinking how to word it. She's not dead he won't say those words out loud because she's still alive. "I" swallowing hard "I let her go because it was the right thing to do" he let her go because he was trying to be the better man by making a selfless choice and not a selfish one.
He's still being cryptic as ever but his defeated expression and the way he sounds so lost is enough for her to make her way over to him as she takes a seat on the curb beside him "why was it the right thing to do?"
"I've always been known for making the selfish choice but I knew if I had stuck to that routine I would have lost her forever." Had Damon let Bonnie die he would have lost Elena because no matter how much she loves him it wouldn't have been enough to forgive him or look past his selfish deed.
Curiously eyeing him trying to read this mysterious stranger that is seated beside her "forever sounds like a long time" she notes "and we don't have forever" she's quick to point out "so maybe one day you'll be with her again."
One day, one day might as well have been forever for Damon "that's what I'm scared of."
Her brows knitting in confusion "why are you scared?"
Even though she sees him only as a stranger he finds he can't find the strength to look at her causing his gaze to remain focused ahead. The next confession that leaves his lips something he won't ever admit out loud, at least not in the real world. "I'm scared that when she finally sees me she won't see me, she won't even recognize me because I can barely recognize myself these days."
"Why can't you recognize yourself" curiosity getting the better of her surprised with how much she wants to understand this stranger.
"I" struggling with the words "I'm becoming the monster everyone once saw me to be everyone but her" a weak smile forming on his lips "she always saw the man beneath the monster."
Monster? What a choice of wording because this broken man practically bearing his soul to her didn't come off as monstrous at least not to her. Silence draping over the conversation before she finally speaks up again "then be that man again."
"Easier said than done" but there's no bitterness or roughness in his tone only defeat.
"You haven't given up though. If you did we wouldn't be having this conversation. You're still fighting to be that man for her but you need to do more than that."
The statement causing Damon to finally glance over at her "which is?"
"It's good that you want to be the better man for her but it can't just be because of her. You need to want to be the better man for yourself as well. You need to fight not just for her but for you too. That's the man she'll want to see the one who survives."
Damon's eyes widening at her statement. Sure this wasn't real in fact she was only saying things like this because he had created this version of her in his mind. Her kindness, compassion, understanding and everything else embedded into his mind with this as the end result. It's the wording of the statement that one keyword that causes him to cling onto her words 'survives.'
We'll survive this
We always survive
"That's my parents"
The sound of a horn catching Damon's attention as he watches past Elena rise to her feet causing him to follow suit. It's come to the part he hates the part where he once again watches her disappear out of his life.
Dusting off her jeans before looking back at him "it was nice meeting you and I hope everything works out for you and your girl."
Standing here now he finds himself paralyzed knowing the pain she has yet to feel. Knowing the suffering she has yet to experience and the cruel fate that is awaiting her.
For a moment she finds herself hesitating before she closes the distance, getting on her tippy toes and pressing a kiss against his cheek "goodnight Damon" offering a soft smile before being on her way.
Hand resting to were her lips were still feeling the warmth of it. Yearning to feel it, really feel it. Watching as she slips into her parent's car as he stands off to the side feeling her once again carry his heart away with her.
"Goodnight Elena."
Masochist, that's what he is, that's the best way to explain it since he's reveling in the pain because it makes him feel. This is the only time he allows himself to feel and when he does he feels it all.
Now here he stands face to face with Elena only she isn't speaking to him he's doing all the speaking as she listens. It's his way of venting of saying everything he can't say out there and feeling everything he forbids himself to feel.
"Elena"
Her name slipping past his lips like some unanswered prayer because even though she's here in his mind it's not enough. He needs a damn miracle for him to finally believe things are going to be okay.
"I need you"
There's an understanding in her eyes. He can get lost in those warm brown eyes, feel safe and it's what he needs, desperately.
"I don't know how much longer I can fight."
Damon's admission now being heard as his crestfallen expression displays. His hand lifting to cradle her face and he finds himself missing all the times she'd lean into his touch.
"I'm scared Elena" swallowing hard to swallow down the broken sob that is threatening to escape him. "I'm scared that I'm not going to survive this. Every day….every night I lose more of myself and I'm terrified that one day I'll just be gone."
The pad of his thumb tenderly caressing her cheek "that I'll be so far gone I won't even know who I am. I'll just be this vessel to evil….this" gritting his teeth together "this puppet that only does as the puppet master commands." Tears starting to well in his eyes "and I'm scared that when you do wake up" those tears now starting to run down his face "that I'm going to disappoint you."
"I let you go because I was doing the right thing but we made promises, promises that dealt with me taking the cure. Being your partner, husband and" his voice cracking "the father of your kids" that future they had planned getting more difficult to see. "You sacrificed so much….you're going to wake up to so much change but you knew that one thing would be constant my love for you….and…..and I'm scared that by the time you wake up I won't be able to give that to you because I won't remember what love is."
By this time tears are streaming down his face. A whole dam has suddenly broken loose and he's not fighting it. Why would he need to? No one can see him, no one can judge him and no one notices. He's here by himself, he's the only one breaking down he knows this isn't real but it doesn't stop him from reaching out to her. "I need you" Elena's face framed in his hands "please baby come back to me" his forehead leaning against hers needing to be closer to her. "Do you know why I come back to this moment" answering for her "it's because I found you on this very road and I keep going back to this road….this memory in the hopes that this time you'll end up finding me and I know it sounds crazy but it's all I have and because of it I cling onto it." Shaking his head because he can only fool himself for so long "but it's not enough, a memory isn't enough I need the real thing. I need you."
"I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay because you're the only one I'll believe. I need you to hold me and tell me I'll survive this because I'm starting to believe more and more I'm not going to make it through this." By now he's clinging onto her, holding her for dear life "I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can" finally drawing back so that he can look at her as the pad of his thumbs trace along her cheek "but everyone knows in order for darkness to be defeated you need light."
"I need you"
Damon
It's not Elena's voice that he hears it's his traveling murdering companion and he tries to tune it out because he's not ready to leave her. He's not ready to go back into a world without her a world that's only filled with darkness.
Damon wake up mate we're here
A world without light