Whispers On The Wind

by frostlight

Alternate Universe. Sometimes we drive away people because we love them, because sometimes, we are not good enough for them.

I do not own the characters of Gundam Seed.

Whispers on the Wind

by:frost2light

Present day, 2008

Burnt rubber, horrified intakes of breaths, the screeching of incoming tires which were too fast and too near to stop in time. I felt time slow, just for that one moment as I watched the truck bear down on me, the driver's panicked face looming larger and larger as he depressed the horn again and again, a warning that was unheeded. I wanted to move, I needed to move, but my legs seem married to the ground and quite unwilling at that moment to file for a divorce. Morbidly, I wondered if it would hurt, would I feel the pain or be dead before I hit the ground. But above the cacophony of last thoughts, one rang loud and true.

I really want to see you, just for awhile, to tell you for the final time, I love you….and that I'm sorry.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

Three years ago, 2005

I looked at you sleeping, wondering whether if tonight is the last straw, the call for duty had come in five minutes ago, I was about to run off to save other people and not my relationship with you. I had the type of job that you thought intriguing and courageous the first time you met me. I was the senior member in a team of five, a team who was dispatched whenever situations that needed more expertise than the normal police force could handle. But over the years, my duty just gave you more reasons for you to despise me, the long nights, the danger, the blood that won't stop flowing from the wounds that came with the job and from your heart whenever you saw me in the hospital, assuring you with a fake smile that tomorrow would be different, that things would not be so bad the next time around, that the thieves and robbers and terrorists and whatever bogey men out there that I was supposed to fight and keep the country safe, was going to be stupider and more careless.

I remembered the first time I gave you that reason, you gave me such a withering look that told me loud and clear not to take you as a fool. Pumped full of drugs from the operation and seeing doubles, I had tried to kiss you and missed, mumbling all the while that I thought you were the most beautiful woman I have ever the luck to meet. And, even though you wanted to stay mad, you had smiled. A weak one, yes, but still a smile, one that bloomed and brightened the air around you, though it was filled with the worry that had yet to fade and the concern that overflowed from your eyes. But over the years, your face had grown more worn and tired, more resigned whenever the call from the hospital came. You still fussed about me, still cared too much it hurt, but you were getting tired, I could tell. The things that I did intentionally or unintentionally which made you hurt, made me ache. I loved you so much, but at that time, even till today, I still loved my job more. You never got jealous, no, you were above that, because you accepted it long ago, you understood that my job mattered to me, that the country needed men like me, but the acceptance did not mean you had to like it and the dislike that started to grow was like a wound festering, growing wider and even harder to heal, and I found myself distancing myself more and more, not because I did not know or did not want to acknowledge how you felt, but it was because I knew. I was selfish. I did not want you to hate me, I did not want you to remember the person who you grew to detest, I wanted you to remember the man you fell in love with. Naively, I wanted to believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

"Baby…?" You called out my pet name, your voice low and husky with sleep. I had woken you up again, even though I had tried my best to be careful, I did not want to explain to you that my promises from before was about to be just that, words that did not come true, sweet nothings that no longer sugar coated the reality that was such a bitter pill to swallow. I have a good memory, liars always do. They had to if they needed to remember all those sweet nothings that passed through their lips. You had given me the ultimatum; it was either you or the workload. I did not want to tell you that the last time was not this time, that there would not be a last time, not when the calls would not stop coming, not when I was not willing to let go of that adrenaline rush, the focus of my life.

"I can't change jobs yet, you know that. They need me."

"You are right Athrun, they do need you, but so do I. You said you wanted to start a family, but I can't do that if one of the main members of a family isn't here."

"You can raise a child on your own just fine. I know you can."

"But that's beside the point Athrun, raising a child is not one person's job, you can't just come in and out whenever you want, responsibility matters here. I will not allow our child to be like me…"

"What do you mean like you?"

"You don't understand do you Athrun. You are allowing life to take you where it wants to take you, you are no longer in control."

"That's not true, I have no choice!"

"Choices are all around Athrun, you are the one who makes them. If you don't want to head the way you are now, make a different choice and do something you have never done. It's either me and a family or your job Athrun. There is a reason why I have never said yes to your marriage proposal, I don't want my child to grow up and getting stuck in the mess we leave behind, I don't want them growing up hating his absent father…and I don't want to start hating a man I love as well."

The conversation, fight, we had I remembered clearly. You were reaching the end of your patience, but I have a job to do as well. "It's nothing darling, go back to sleep." I leaned down to kiss her forehead, her blonde tendrils curling around her forehead in such a disarray I longed to smooth my fingers through it, feel its silkiness and soothe her back to sleep. She had told me once that she loved the way my fingers ran through her hair as it made her feel loved, wanted, treasured. I remembered all those small things you told me, kept it listed in a diary I have made mentally. All those things I treasured about you, that made you special, that made you real and those things that only I knew. Instead, as always, I turned away, checking through my necessities simultaneously before walking out the door, but not fast enough, not before I heard you say, "It's over Athrun…" but I did not stop, the closing of the bedroom door a finality I knew was coming.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The bullets were coming fast and furious, pinging off the metal surroundings like metal to magnets. I dodged one that intended bodily harm and crouched down low, hiding behind a row of wooden boxes which I hoped did not contain any explosives. I did not intend to go home in a body bag, much less fancied my mates to pick me up piece by piece to fill inside a box barely an inch thick. Ejecting my spent clip and checking the remaining of the ammunition, my earpiece squawked to life, the team leader's voice shouting frenzied commands that sounded like gibberish to me. He was young, fresh out of school, the typical cock which strutted with his head held up high and thought he was hot stuff just because he graduated with some tongue twisting name with an honours as a cherry topping. He had disregarded whatever the "old dogs" like me touted as experience and went on to give us plans that only he thought would happen in real life. Well, look how well his fancy degree and polished shoes were getting him now, he was coping dreadfully as the situation flew to the gutter around us. He was panicking, throwing the rest of us into his emotional turmoil, giving us orders that sounded more like bravado talking instead of brains. Protocol needed us to maintain radio silence, but everything was blown out of proportion and for whatever it was worth, I did admire him not deserting us. But enough was enough, I truly did not intend to die right here, not with her silently said words ringing still in my ears, the accusation and disappointment weighing down each syllable, lending weight to her soft sobs she tried to bury in the pillows like anchors in my conscience.

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

"Thank god you were there, Athrun Zala. Any longer with that "hotshot" in command, we would all have gone home in body bags." Dearkka Elsman commented, slapping me on the back, showing his gratitude through jovial behaviour and hearty laughter. But his hands were shaking and his eyes still held the fear of being outnumbered ten to one with an idiot as the team leader. He was not the type to scare easily, he was loud, boisterous, blonde flaming hair that stood up without the aid of any particular hairspray or gelling agent, he was the cowboy of the team, yet he was not the type to jump into frays just to prove his bravado, and this incident particularly scared him, no matter his how hard he tried to hide behind the swagger and the loud laugher. It was one thing to have someone to guard you back, but it was different when said person truly did it and ended up with his brain splattered all over you.

Especially when you knew that friend.

"Are you all right?" I asked softly, giving him time and the choice to answer my question. I was willing to listen if he was willing to talk. His violet eyes darkened at my question and he looked away, the smile still present on his face but no longer natural, merely forced. I continued to scrutinize the face which still held traces of high velocity blood splatter, his bronzed skin not hiding the rustic metallic colour of dried blood and I wondered how many times have I ended up like him? Losing comrades along with pieces of myself as consequences when stupidity, selfishness and continued violence the main ingredients of the day.

"How long will you be able to do this Athrun?" His question made the people in the locker room turn away from their stuff to look at their most senior and experienced team member. I noticed their scrutiny, their expectations and I wanted to answer his question with a positive attitude, with words that screamed dedication and heart. Five years ago, or maybe even yesterday, I would have said it with conviction, that as long there was breath in my body, as long as the force needed me, I would be here. But, after tonight, after those nights where I had to look you in the eye and lie to you again, my resolve was crumbling and I was having second doubts if this was the right path to choose. Was the adrenaline rush, the need to feel a hero more important than the woman I loved? People change after time passes, their decision varying, affected by their experience, their newly found knowledge, but would it be enough for them to not make the same mistakes they make if they were a day younger? Would it be enough for me to stop ruining my happiness?

"Athrun?" They were still waiting for my answer, one that I did not know the answer to myself.

"Would it matter if he told you that he would be able to do it forever? Or just today?" A voice spoke up, quiet yet firm, not answering a question but giving one instead. All heads turned away from me and I was grateful for the intervention, no matter how pathetic that was. "We all chose this road on our own, it was not Athrun who made the choice. Undeniably, it is hard facing those maniacs, especially those which cannot be bargained with, not with money, not with logic, not with anything. They are mad men wanting to make a point, their twisted mind coming up with their own perverse reasons for destruction and mayhem we cannot comprehend, some closer to our own thinking, some just as preposterous. I cannot predict the future, nor will we alone be able to remedy a situation that is already at its worst. All we want, all I want is to be able to protect the people who need to be protected. This is my decision, is this decision yours?"

Slowly the disheartened renewed their optimism, and the smiles that were missing since the start of the day returned. I nodded my thanks towards the member who had just helped me diffuse a difficult situation, sharing a heartfelt grin that he replied, "It's nothing partner. Its late, you should go home, get some rest. Cagalli would be worried."

"Yes." Getting up, I looked at my team mates, studying them. Dearkka Elsman, Yzak Jule, Nicol Amalfi and the new guy on the team who had with words helped return the fighting spirit of his team mates, Cagalli's twin brother, Kira Yamato. All of them were capable men, dedicated to their job but not married to it like I was. They were men I would willingly go into the lion's den with, they were a loyal bunch, smart, worthy of the code name we go with - "HUNTERS". Only our team had this privilege, we settled the problems no one else could. We were the team of mismatched personalities, elites chosen from each departments of the national security team. A sharpshooter, a negotiator, a bomb specialist, each specializing in their own field but thrown together to be a part of something bigger, better, more serious. We were what the people called the miracle team, or what the department people called as the "fixers". We were called out when situations arise when law could not be applied, we were allowed more freedom than normal policing forces, and rules that normally cuff the hands of normal people do not apply to us, we were able to kill whenever we see fit but the consequences that we face are much higher, more than most people are willing to sacrifice, even for the sake of others. We bore more responsibilities, more heartache when things do not go right. Blame is one thing that we have to shoulder often, but guilt is the one thing we have to sleep with every night.

Nightmares were a common occurrence and being the senior member, I have seen more than my share of team mates, comrades who could not take the pressure, who could no longer witness the death of people they know or the people they were supposed to save. Some retired, some died, while some- they walked on a path with no return, becoming the people we were supposed to stop. Stress sometimes does that to us, strong of mind does not mean strong of heart, certainly money comes into play, but most of the time, they grew tired, fed up with running with and against the system, red tape tying all of us down, especially with sensitive matters like how a senator's daughter is involved with what was suspected as terrorist bombings, killing more tourists from the eastern continent than a soldier should in a lifetime. We were not miracle workers, we were just normal human beings who were more ruthless and more brittle than all the others.

Battle hardened? Hardly.

Emotionally handicapped? Never.

We were only mere humans who tried to act as if we were only able to hurt physically and not emotionally, small kids trying to play heroes. But right now, pride was not something I could feel because all I felt was fear, something I was not unfamiliar with, just the circumstances were different. It was not a situation whereby weaponry or strategy could diffuse, there were no hostages that were visible, only the ones held captive within this tug of war is our hearts, yours and mine. You are right, it was time I finally settled this.

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

But what I came home to was an empty place, devoid of everything, no light, no laughter, no music that came from the radio you favoured so much even though it was nearing its lifespan, no sounds that came from the kitchen which signalled you preparing dinner, just silence that seemed to be the only accompaniment I have left. I checked our bedroom, the cupboards were closed tightly but when I opened them, I saw only what was left, my shirts, my pants, stuff that only belonged to me. Gone were your favourite blue blouse, your drawstring pants that made you look like a kungfu master, and all the garments that you paraded in front of me when we wanted to go out and you wanted to look nice. The cupboard looked so empty without any of your stuff, too big for one person's usage, too lonely without your stuff hogging up the space.

Without needing to look, I knew instinctively that the bathroom we shared would no longer contain your toothbrush, the shampoo that made you smell like strawberries and cream or the bottle of bubble bath you treasured so much. I was amazed at your thoroughness, at your ability and will to make me forget you existed. Did you think without what belonged to you I would not remember you? Your smile, your laugh, your tears, everything about you objects could not show was deeply imprinted in my mind. However, only now did I realize how easy it was to wipe out the traces of one's existence they took years to build, merely a couple of hours. It was ironic really, I did not know if I wanted this, the confrontation I was dreading was avoided, but compared to that, the tears, the accusations, the heated argument, I preferred them, and not this total absolute void you left when you packed up your suitcases and left.

Oh, But hold your breathe

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you

Over again

Turning away from the bedroom, I walked slowly towards the kitchen, I looked around the familiar surroundings and all I could see was your absence, without you, I remembered too much of what it was like when you were here. Part of me wanted to run after you, yet part of me held back. What would it help if I just gave you more promises that I would break? I could not choose between my job and you and yet I did not want to lose you. What would you have done in this circumstance? I could let go of only one yet both were equally important, you were not asking me to quit my job, just lessen my workload so that I could get home on time, have dinners with you, spend some quality time that did not need me rushing off to save whichever unfortunate victim, but I could not even give you that. My job was not as important as I made it out to be, the team did not need me as much as I fantasized them to. Maybe deep down inside I just wanted to play the hero, the man everybody looked up to, praised to the skies and be treated like a god. What maybe I could not let go was the fact that I needed someone or something who needed me just to soothe away the fear that without me, you could go on as always.

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

It's impossible

I hung my head low, my hands trembling, sliding down the wall I had my back to, I felt the tears prick my eyes. I was only so strong, I needed you, but I could not allow myself to bring you back. Your determination on erasing what you had with me was the proof that I had hurt you too deeply, and the guilt was something I could not handle again. I did not want to see your disappointment or your eyes when I betrayed your trust again. I loved you earnestly, but I guess my insecurities were much stronger. I had already been too selfish holding up your time for the last three years. But, if I were to choose again, if time were to go back again, I would not change one bit, because after all, I was just a normal human being who thought that the woman he loved deserved so much better so I drove you away through the only method I knew how.

I'm so sorry.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Three years later, 2008

"We are getting married."

My movements halted as my heart stopped for that one moment, my nightmare come true. I pushed down the bile that surged up, plastered a forced grin unto my face and turned, lying like the professional I am, hoping I sounded breezy, confident and not at all the wreck I was inside. "Congratulations. Have you picked a date? Didn't know you had it in you, thought you never wanted to settle down?"

A pregnant pause settled thick in the air around us, freezing everything around us in that thick web of stilted silence and awkward moments, my words lingering in the air like bad odour that would not go away no matter how hard we breathed. I yearned to look away, the words leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Part of me wondered why I was torturing myself with this stupidity and another part of me was willing to do it anyways. I had left the HUNTERS, went for something easier, paid better, they were sorry to see go, but all of them understood what had prompted the change. All of them wishing me well, the me who had been hoping fervently at the back of my brain that she would notice the changes and come back. But, things after three years were still the same. She was still on the other side of my world, a place where I could reach but could not touch. She had smiled so sadly when I had told her where to find me in case of emergencies, her liquid golden eyes looking at me forlornly, telling me what a fool I had been. She had congratulated me, asked me mundane things that we were supposed to know and had walked away. It was a chance meeting that continued because I had always arranged my plans right beside hers. I got to know her fiancée, the man who was standing right in front of me now.

"You don't mind?" He asked a moment later, eyes stubbornly locking onto my own, daring me to say something, the truth perhaps, the truth that was not buried as deep as I wished it was, his own vulnerability leaking through the defiant stare that I knew he was trying hard to hide behind. He was giving me a chance to redeem myself, to patch back the wrong decisions, the missed opportunities. He was trying to allow me to get back what I have lost. It was noble of him, a true friend to the core, but what did he want me to say?

No, of course I do mind?

Or I want it back to the way it was, when you forced me into sitting through a romantic movie just because you wanted to cry on a familiar shoulder?

Or, whenever it snowed, you would want me to build a snowman and you dress it with your skirts because you hated them?

Or I want everything back the way it was because you are meant to be mine?

I could name so many things, everyday stuff that I went through with you and have never forgotten, replaying them back in my mind like a tape gone on rewind. But, I could not say those words out loud because you were never mine even in the past. And saying those words would be plain bullshit because I have never owned you, I owed you. It was different. So many things that I wanted to say, but now was not the time, mine had been in the past and I lost it because I had forgotten to treasure what was more important. The present belonged to her fiancée who was not stupid enough to make the same mistakes that I made with you. He witnessed mine, he would not be so dumb as to repeat them. So, he knew I would never say those words, thus I said exactly what he wanted to hear.

"She chose you." I kept it simple, because it was a simple fact. You did in the end, choose him. There was nothing else left.

So breathe in so deep

Breathe me in

I'm yours to keep

And hold on to your words

Cause talk is cheap

And remember me tonight

When you're asleep

Present day, 2008

"Stat!"

"He's not responding!"

"Up the dose!"

"Bp's dropping, heart rate's slowing!" The whole host of portable machineries started flashing and beeping, showing the host of people what they did not want to see. "The patient's gone into cardiac arrest!"

"God damn it! Paddles! Clear!"

"No reponse!"

"Clear!"

"Still no response!"

"Fuck it! Athrun Zala, don't you dare give up on me!" Dr Mwu La Flaga, a close friend of Athrun's, the doctor who was currently on his night shift at the Emergency Room his friend had been wheeled in with multiple fractures, blood pouring out of the wounds that he had received when the truck rammed into him.

"Cag…all…i…." He heard his patient whisper before he totally lost consciousness, before everything went from a nightmare to the absolute hell, "I…'m…sorry…"

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

"He loved you."

"I know."

"Would you still go on with the marriage?"

"No. It was never true in the first place."

"Then, what have you gained?" Lacus Clyne asked softly, her compassionate eyes never once leaving the heartbroken girl in front of her, her amber eyes that used to be so fiery, staring deadly at the tombstone in front of her. Regret and pain etching new lines in the otherwise smooth face, experience in losing a loved one, one that she had never left behind in the first place, only wanting to teach him a lesson that some things that were broken could no longer be mended. She had wanted to tell him the day her marriage was supposed to be held that she was just testing him, a three year recovery of her heart, of rediscovering what it meant to be herself, a distance that needed to be put in between them to finally allow both of them to know what they held most important.

"It should not have ended up this way. I needed that reassurance that things would no longer be like before, three years I had to go through waking up beside loneliness, three years waiting for a day when I could be back in his arms, three years to finally understand that the leave that I took from the relationship was too long, I was so stupid. I thought things would be all right once we both started again. Lacus…tell me…tell me how to rewind time…tell me what I should do to make things right again. Tell me what I can do to bring him back. Tell me…." Cagalli's last words ended in a sob, her whole body shaking with the grief she had tried to suppress since the day she got the news. The welcomed numbmess that had blanketed her from day one disappeared when the coffin that contained his remains were lowered into the ground, leaving a raw open wound that oozed and pulsed with pain, one that she was not able to erase or try to forget.

"Was I wrong? Was I too selfish?! Is this God's punishment for making him wait, for allowing myself to gain back myself?!" The tears that poured down her pale, hollowed cheeks were like a dam broken, she wiped them away furiously, but more replaced the trail, a river that would not stop. "I loved him, Lacus, I still love him….I never stopped loving him, not the day when I walked out of the house, not the times he broke his promises, never. So why? Why this…why now?" Those words were whispered so sadly, so heartbrokenly that Lacus did not know what to say. Sometimes that was reality, promises that were made were broken because the people you had made those sweet words to left you earlier than expected, sometimes things will never be the same again because somewhere along the line, someone other that yourself fouled up, Lacus wanted to tell Cagalli that things would be all right, but how much time is needed to heal the broken hearted? How much time is available for the regret to fade away? For the pain to finally dim its banshee like screaming? For the guilt to go away?

Awkwardly, Lacus wrapped her arms around the sobbing girl and pulled her close, hoping that even for the a brief moment, she was able to provide a respite from the onslaught of emotions that she knew the other girl was going through, hoping that her rainbow would come soon after the rain. "Cagalli, Athrun was carrying a letter when he was sent to the hospital. Dr Mwu La Flaga asked me to pass it to you. Maybe you should read it when you are ready."

"Thanks Lacus." Cagalli said, composing herself, her friend needed no more extra burden, she did not want another person worrying about her. She had made enough people suffer as it is. "It's all right now. I thought you had an appointment with your client at 4 right? You should get going. I'll be fine. I just need some time alone."

As reluctant as she was, Cagalli was right. The world continued to turn with or without our permission, everything going about their course of action, people dying leaving lost ones behind just did not count as an emergency. People merely moved on, regardless of whatever happened. Dead people were lucky, they were not the ones who were left behind to pick up the pieces from what went wrong, they were not the ones who had to face every morning with a smile on their face, they were not the ones who needed to pretend that things were going to be all right, to avoid the pitying looks that others threw them, to hope that their hearts would heal when people started avoiding them, lest their grief was contagious or that their tragedy would befall them if they got too close.

And they were not the ones who had to forge on and forget.

"Athrun loves you Cagalli. Everyone could see that. If not for you, live for him. He would have wanted it that way. Don't let go of what you both had, keep it in here." Lacus said, her fingers opening into a palm before pressing them softly at Cagalli's chest where the heart was. She wondered if she had x-ray vision, would she see how much Cagalli's heart bled, and would she be able to say the words that would patch it up a little. Cagalli smiled, a tremulous smile that bordered on looking like a grimace and Lacus wished she had more than just a voice that comforted. But knowing it was impossible in just one day, she enveloped Cagalli in a tight hug before allowing her her solitude. God knows she needed it.

Turning away from Lacus's receding back, Cagalli focused on the item she had in her hand. The envelope was splattered with blood, rusty brown spots that decorated the otherwise white, crumpled piece of protective layering. Her hands were shaking when she turned the envelope and saw her name in that all familiar scrawl of Athrun, fresh tears pooling once more in her eyes, threatening to overflow once again. She blinked it back furiously, her vision blurring, the heat from behind her eyelids burning her. The envelope was unsealed, and gently, Cagalli lifted up the flap and focused on getting the piece of paper from inside free. But, what greeted her was not a piece of paper, not a letter with Athrun's last words. Just a lone picture, one that she had even forgotten both of them had ever agreed on taking, but one that gave her more comfort than anything could.

It was a picture of both of them snuggled close together, their fingers entwined tightly, a prank played by one of his juniors when he was still in HUNTERS, something that they thought would shame their senior, but instead had been treasured like the jewel it was. It had always been in Athrun's wallet, in a compartment behind his ID, behind what was him. He had loved this photo, amused with them being caught unawares, but loving it nonetheless. Cagalli had thought he had gotten rid of the picture, him not being the sentimental type, but evidently, even men like Athrun, strong, bull headed, stubborn heroes like him had something to remind him that he had something he love.

Turning over the photo, Cagalli's eyes tracked the words Athrun had scrawled, in that loose, loopy handwriting of his, her tears finally falling furiously once more, the vow of the man whom she had always loved, she could hear him whisper the words on the wind, words that she read in her heart, keeping it locked away, cherishing it.

"I will always be with you."

Tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

---

Authors note: It's been awhile since I challenged a oneshot with Cagalli and Athrun as main characters. The lyrics from the song is by Secondhand Serenade and that too does not belong to me. Hope you guys would enjoy this small piece and review.