Haha! Yes, from the one who granted you "Destiny Prophecies: Sphere and Stone" this is a humor/parody!! Well, at least, I'm attempting A merry early Christmas to you all!!
Not sure how long this will take actually..I have no plot for this. It's a tutorial, for goodness sakes!! It's one of the things you long for it to end, so that you can run away, and play with your friends. (beams) So I'll have no idea how long it will take. I know the ending entry though. Just not sure what's going to happen in between. Inspiration please, people?
Inspired by my friend's fic (WhiteLightning's "Bakura's Guide To Getting What You Want"), I introduce to you my first (attempted) humor/parody, "Tomb Robber's Tutorial"!!
Read and review PLEASE? (infamous Ryou puppy-dog eyes....learned that from WhiteLightning!)
Tomb Robber's Tutorial: Lesson One --- Meet Your Teacher Day!!
So you want to steal? To pickpocket? To rob, to burglarize, to swipe, to pick? To defeat your most hated pharaoh in all of Egypt to a game of Duel Monsters and rub it in his face for killing off your family and village and friends and imprisoning you in a golden toy?
Well, I ain't going to help you.
You come to me, Bakura sama, the most fearsome thief in all of Egypt, for advice? Why should I bestow my unholy methods of the sneakiest, most slippery, most guaranteed no-arrest style of theiving have have you, common mortal, surpass my own ability?
(Laughs) OH right. Like as if that's going to happen. You? Surpass ME? I'm not called the King of Thieves for nothing.
I doubt I'll ever teach you. No one can teach a pathetic mutt like you.
Oh, you hate the pharoah too?
No you don't. I can tell you lie. Ah well, you've passed the first test. You know what you have to do to get what you want. Nice. I like that in a person.
Okay, I'll teach you.
Basically, to be come a fearsome tomb robber, you have to look fearsome. We'll get in touch with the entire speech thing later. First of all, you need to look intimidating. Like my attire. Black, leather jacket, swooping out from the back, and a few touches of blood won't kill you. (Well, depending on whose blood is it. And if it's yours, it's depending how deep you had to go to get it. You don't have to die to look scary, unless you're like me and have an item that can save your life countless of times. And you don't. So don't be stupid.) So...guys, ditch those sweaters, ditch those plain t-shirts, ditch those vests. Girls, ditch those blouses, ditch those high heels, and ditch those skirts. (Uh...that goes for guys too. No skirts.) Unless you have an entire Egyptian theme for your attire, then grab yourself a linen skirt and leave your chest bare. OH FINE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE HAVING YOUR ....bosoms ....BARE, LADIES, THEN ...then...(sniffs) it's not my fault. (Even though I'm a spirit, I used to have hormones, you know that?! No, I was not one of the pharaoh's sickening eunuchs who had to go through the entire vasectomy ritual and...why are we talking about this anyway? You're disgusting.). And also ditch the entire dress/skirt thing. (Groans) Bakas...Ra, give me strength....
Alright. Now that you've chosen your appropriate attire, (brown doesn't look intimidating, by the way. Brown leather? Nuh uh. You want to look evil, not like a stinking pile of poop that your mother would wrinkle her nose at.), now you must have the look of evil on your face.
Why is look so important? Well, I'll tell you.
There's no point in being evil but not look intimidating. Sure, it has some advantages, you know, looking innocent to hide your true intentions, but that's not going to be helpful when backing off gaurds. Sure, you can try to convince them with a sweet look, saying "oh no, I didn't steal anything, that big bundle under my cool intimidating jacket just appeared there..." but they're not really going to buy it.Even though they sure don't look it, those guards aren't dumb. (If you defy this rule, you'll be more of a baka than they are...and you don't want that on your reputation, let me assure you.) So. You can be mute and look intimidating and still be a good robber. Because with just one look, they would know you mean business, and sometimes, if your really good, they won't even ask why you're there. If you're really good, then they would gladly give you everything they own, and you would never have to say a word. That's an advantage of looking evil. As for that...make sure you know WHO to use it on. But I will get on with that later. First you need to MASTER that damn art before you can choose your victims. Certain people (cough)Pharaoh(cough)no(cough)BAKA(cough) have ways to become immune to your look; soon after you've mastered the art of LOOKING scary, then you need to learn how to be immune to other scary looks too, from evil to horny. (cough)Yami no Marik! (cough!)
(Who ever knew there was so much to learn just to become a tomb robber? We haven't even got on to the actual physical skills yet! Oh Ra, give me strength...wait, why would Ra give me strength? He'd be an idiot to let me defy him so....ah well. No more rambling!!)
Oh, so you've noticed that I've been giving the evil look at YOU! Wow,that is utterly amazing. You've discovered your ability to observe! A wondrous trait, if I might add. It'd deem useless if you don't acutally KNOW what you're stealing, or where it is, for that matter, so congratulate yourself. (claps hands) Observation skills. DON'T look at me all proud! I was being sarcastic!! (Moans) Oh gods, you poor, innocent beings! You don't even know sarcasm when it's laughing in your face!! I pity you so....!!
But wait, you say (after looking ever-oh-so-hurt from my just-realized-sarcasm), WHY am I looking so intimidatingly at you? Well, consider that your school bell. Class is over for today. Go practice, go find your proper attire. And don't come back until you do so. I can't possibly teach such a mundane excuse for mortals if they don't even LOOK good. Now go. Begone from my sight, or you will soon regret it.
(Of course, YOU run away, preferably crying in tears or screaming in fear.)
Ah....this is wonderful. I can overthrow the pharoah just yet!!