The poisonous seed
He doesn't sleep.
Sleep has long evaded his eyes, coming by as an indistinct silhouette that only looms in the very far distance.
He just twists and turns on a bedful of thistles trying not to disturb the wife beside him.
He doesn't particularly remember when has this poisonous rotten seed been planted in his heart, when was it strewn across the barren fields of his sentiments spoiling everything he deemed of worth in life.
He loves her ... The wife of his one & only friend, his surrogate brother.
The next day, he doesn't look at his reflection in the mirror.
Shikamaru notices first as usual
As expected.
The stolen side glances at those boring events, the way he flickers around, within the bounds of proximity but not entirely too close, deliberately far ... Anywhere but facing them, anywhere but being around Naruto or her for what matters.
'The damned idiot'
He marches towards him in heavy strides, stands besidehim, eyes facing the vast distance filled with people
"This has to stop"
"Hn"
"You know what I mean"
Shikamaru's eyes then look pointedly across the room towards the Hokage's protégé & his wife, drift almost against their owner's will towards a tall bubbly blond & her pale companion, lingering for a huffing second then dissipating back to the crowd
'Maybe, it takes one to know one'
It might have been the way he always talked about her that first piqued his interest.
Naruto couldn't stop singing praise about her ... Her kindness, her eyes how beautiful they are, her cooking ... Her tamed temper and mild spirit.
"I am so damn lucky to have her as a wife" He would say
He used to laugh at the love-struck fool, however, part of him felt something was wrong, so terribly wrong.
He should feel the same way about Sakura, so, why doesn't he?
They were never properly acquainted.
He knew her, yes, they were colleagues after all. They went to the same school and their social circles would sometimes intercept.
They rarely ever spoke.
The first time, he saw her again though was after her marriage to Naruto, the dobe has incessantly kept inviting him to dinner
"Come on, you never attended the wedding, don't be that vapid "
And so, he decided to accept the invitation, and Naruto has set forward the specific date.
"I can't come" Sakura declined "I have so much work with Tsunade, sorry Babe"
And Of course, the dobe didn't come.
He has come forward, knocked over expecting him to be there, to be the one who opened the door.
He expected the visit to last a good solid hour, after which, he'd be done and everything would go back to Normal.
He didn't expect an extremely nervous Hyuuga to open up the door for him.
she stood there uncomfortably, fumbling with her fingers, her eyes downcast to the ground and her face tinted a light hue of rose against the pale of her cheeks
"Hello, Sasuke-San"
"Hello, Hinata-Sama"
At the mention of the honorary suffix, he could feel something spring within her, casting her eyes right up to his, a fondness maybe or maybe regret, something sad and for better or worse,
Her eyes were baring completely in his.
'Her eyes are so serene, like the glazed face of the moon'
He could guess the reason of her former agitation though
"The dobe isn't here, is he?" he exasperatedly huffed
Her mouth tugged into a meek curve in response
"I am sorry, he got summoned by Kakashi and didn't want to postpone the invitation"
"You don't have to apologize, it is his damn fault"
"He said he won't be late, 15 minutes at most"
Awkwardness, they were both confused as what to do, should he stay or get going? Should she let him in?
In the end, he resolved he would stroll around town, 15 minutes wasn't much time anyway.
'I hope to god he'd show up this time'
In the end, Naruto didn't.
"I am so sorry"
"Nevermind, congratulations for your wedding"
"Thank you, Sasuke-san."
And as he turned his back and almost started to march back home she stopped him
"Oh... I almost forgot, wait here please just for a moment"
She disappeared inside for a brief second before coming out carrying a bento in her hands.
"For your trouble, until next time" she offered it up to him as her eyes smiled kindly at him.
The next time around, Naruto literally dragged him to his house, not that he minded really, she cooked so well, way better than Sakura anyway.
The shock however, was when he realized Naruto didn't notify her before tagging him along
"Hime, I am home" He boisterously announced
She came rushing over to him from the kitchen.
And at the sight of each other, they both froze.
Her lustrous hair was untidily tied in a haphazard bun, strands falling down her eyes, she was apparently so unprepared for the visit... Being only in a formfitting sleeveless plunging top and a pair of tight black shorts, extending just mid-thigh.
She looked scandalized, mouth gapping and face heating up from immensity of embarrassment.
He wasn't faring much better, instinctively his eyes widened, he wasn't used to seeing Hyuuga so out of league. And further to his shock, they travelled down her form, lingering a wee bit on her bosom ...
'snap out of it'
And for the first time in his life, he couldn't stop the furious blush from rising up his cheeks... before he forced his eyes to the ground.
"Sorry about that" The dobe scratched his head sheepishly
"Excuse me" She abstractly muttered before almost running out of the room.
Afterwards, she came out dressed in formal attire, she greeted him properly and set out to serve dinner before them.
The entire evening though, his eyes doesn't rise to her one single time, they either fixate on Naruto or the
Plates set out in front of him on the Chabudai.
It is that night when unwanted thoughts about Hinata Hy ... Uzumaki, he reminds himself, how beautiful and feminine she was, start actively worming their way into his mind.
In his defense, he tried to repress them, and for a while, he succeeded to.
The time they had an actual conversation occurred at the cemetery
They had met at the entrance.
She was holding flowers, assorted variety of flowers, Sunflowers, Lilies and sweet peas.
In turn, he had nothing on him.
The Hyuuga cemeteries were quite close to the Uchihas ... He could see her a few rows right across from him.
She laid a single sunflower near one grave stone ... Neji Hyuuga, it inscribed.
And like wise, a single sweet pea on her mother's and her deceased uncle.
Finally, after she was done, she marched straight ahead at him
"Here" She gave him the remaining flowers.
"I don't want them"
She wasn't pushy, that he knew and indeed she lived up to her reputation. However, to his utter surprise, she started laying flowers on the gravestones and Mausoleums , his mother's and Father's and a single white lily for Itachi
"I am sorry" She whispered
"What for?"
"For all this"
"You have an aptitude towards apologizing for things you didn't commit, things that aren't your fault"
"Apologies, Lament don't always stem from feeling guilty, it can simply be that one can empathize, one can understand. Your family, your clan they never deserved this, you never deserved this, so did Neji"
"Life is so unfair, is not it?"
"Or maybe it isnot, maybe the time came when this world wasn't fit for them anymore, the real problem though is those left behind"
She paused briefly as something dark shadowed her features
"Sometimes, a person wonders why were they left behind, spared? Why it wasn't them? Why did it have to be someone else?"
Her words have struck deep in his heart.
"Anyway, it was pleasure seeing you here, Sasuke-san"
"Likewise, Hinata-sama"
"Don't call me that" She cut him
"it just reminds me of somebody, someone who used to call me that"
'Neji' He understood
"Fine, you too stop calling me Sasuke-san, it is Sasuke"
She smiled brightly as she nodded.
She has already walked a few steps away him, two flowers in hand, towards the Namikaze grounds before he said
"Hinata"
She turned her neck to him
"Thank you" he smiled.
It was the first time she had seen him smile.
That night was the first time he dreamt of her.
They met again in the marketplace.
She had bought her supplies, and was staggering slightly, struggling with the weight of them when she absentmindedly bumped into him.
the bags were discarded on the floor, their contents scattered on the ground ...
"I am so sorry" she muttered as she was scooping tomatoes off the ground
"Hinata"
He amusedly looked at her, as she collected her squandered supplies
She looked up at him
"Sasuke"
He knelt beside her, trying as much as to help her gather those things left on the ground when his fingers accidently touched hers. It was a brief tentative brush, an almost inexistent hover that sent chills down his spine. And for a moment, his obsidian gaze locked with her pearlescent one, before she finally pulled her hands and looked away.
"Here" he said as he handed her the last of her fruits. "Would you like me to help you carry them to your home?"
"I..."
He didn't wait for her reply, he swiftly carried a couple of swishing bags in his one hand and marched ahead of her towards her house.
Unbeknownst to him, Shikamaru was watching.
They walked in companionable silence, occasionally stealing glances towards each other.
He didn't know when they had reached home all he knew was that, they have reached too fast.
"Thank you, Sasuke-kun"
"Don't mention"
And as he prepared to leave, he heard her say
"Wait a second"
She ran in fast, came back with a cardboard box of cinnamon
"I baked them today, for you & Sakura-chan"
"I don't like sweets"
"I know, Naruto-kun told me, but I thought you can make an exception"
And indeed, he did.
Shikamaru meets him on his way back, he eyes him skeptically ... As if trying to figure him out, get to know what he was doing...to capture any litigious thoughts he could find
"I saw you today with Hinata-chan at the market, something was wrong"
He wants to rebuff him, he really does, however he figures out it is probably not the best of ideas for both their sakes
"Nothing, I stumbled upon her and helped her carry her shopping home"
It doesn't placate the suspicious Shikamaru, not a single bit.
"I have missed you, babe"
Sakura leers at him huskily, as her nimble fingers crosses his chest, poking and stroking his torso, her eyes betraying her not so subtle demand.
He does not find it in his heart to submit nor does he find it in his heart to deny her.
In the end, he does comply, only to find himself appalled that their entire encounter his mind has been drifting towards his earlier run in with Hyuu.. Uzumaki.
His heart clenches.
He only ever realizes that he loves her when he heard the Hyuuga residence was under attack, and that probably she was there.
It is only then when he races his own heart to her place ... It is then when he hugs her, holds onto her like she is his lifeline, it is only when his face is dangerously hovering mere centimeters from hers, fingerstracing her features like they were the straw between sanity & insanity that he realizes, he has committed the abominable sin.
He has fallen in love with a woman, a woman married to his best friend ... His surrogate brother.
Much to both their shock and mortification.
She was terrified.
She was terrified when the realization hit her, that Sasuke ... Sasuke-san ... He ...
No, she couldn't even think of it.
She was even more mortified, horrified that part of her heart, part of her is pleased, it is happy and receptive and is maybe willing to reciproc...
No, it is not a thought to be entertained, it has to stop.
Weeks had passed since he'd seen her, during which his sanity was worn down by cycles of denial, lucid deliriums and pure despair, Ni
ghts when he'd wear Sakura down, pour out the utmost of frustrations on her oblivious self. she doesn't realize that this isn't love he is partaking in, it is anguish, it is desolation and fear that his tongue might slip and utter her name. It is betrayal a thousand times worse than leaving Konoha. He is afraid his tongue might just so betray him like his heart had done, like it always does. In his mind, it isn't Sakura whom he sees, it is not Sakura whom he reacts to, it is her, it is pure torture ... And in his mind, it is Naruto whom he imagines plunging the knife into his back, it is Naruto who slaughters his clan, who slaughters him in retribution.
Until one day, he snaps ... He runs to her house, it is rabid fever that possesses him, almost like he has caught fire. His heart thumbs in his ears as his hand knocks on her door.
"Sasuke-san, Naruto-kun isn't hom..."
He doesn't listen, he shoves her against the wall, Sharingan activated, he is close ... Too close that he could inhale her scent full of Lavender and rosewater. he could feel her breathing against him and his hand crawls dangerously upon her form ...
It is her muffled cries, the pure look of terror in her eyes that snaps him out of it.
His Sharingan deactivates and he is shocked at what he had done, what he was about to do...
'slap'
Her hand landed right across his cheek before she sank to the floor, sobbing ... Wailing
"I am sorry,I am so sorry"
He flees out, away from all the precious things he was about to break.
He doesn't return home that night.
He slumps over the grounds of his former Uchiha house and cries.
In the upcoming days, he expects Naruto, an angry Naruto barging in, coming up to him, ready to strike, ready to kill.
He doesn't come.
He comes home from the mission, greeting him with his obnoxiously loud 'Teme', acting normal, so normal like nothing happened at all.
She didn't tell him, he figured out.
The first confrontation afterwards occurs during the firework celebrations.
It is night time, and everybody is enjoying themselves particularly the clueless dobe who has entered into a stupid competition with the equally annoying Lee and Kiba.
He finds her alone, in a corner draped in darkness, observing the mighty moon.
God, she looks like a natural extension to the moon, like a daughter of the moon.
He walks to her almost against his will, like the tides answering to the moon
"I ... I am not this person" She starts "I can't be this person; this person is not the one I was raised out to be nor is it the one Neji-ni laid out his life for. ."
"I know, I don't want you to be otherwise, I wouldn't love you if you were otherwise"
He thinks about Itachi, how disappointed he must be that his aniki whom he had sacrificed everything for would stoop this low.
"I just want to tell you, I am sorry. I want to tell you that neither Naruto nor Sakura deserve this from me ,this form of treason, this blasphemy. You ... You don't deserve this. I am sorry to have put you through this "
"Me too, Sasuke-san, me too"
He stares longingly at her, so long that his eyes hurt and on a whim, before she could shrink back, he stretches his arm as far as he could and pokes her forehead.
He turns and walks away, feeling defeated and victorious at the very same time.
"This has to stop"
"Hn"
"You know what I mean. Sasuke, God might have given you a heart you can't control, but he gave you brains as well, so use it. This thing you are nurturing, it will be your downfall. It will only bring about pain, sorrow and tragedy. It will only put you between two choices, their better is pure bitterness and anguish, their worse is death, losing everything"
"Shikamaru ... There is nothing left to chide me for, there was nothing to begin with"
'Everything is over'
"Don't lie to me, your eyes betray you. You will suffer, you will hurt but eventually the scorching pain will mellow, will fade into a dull ache ..."
He observes her as she joins her husband, eyes lingering just one moment before he concedes
"I am going to find Sakura"
Later, he would learn that she is pregnant, that his wife is pregnant and he would learn to immerge himself in his work, mission after mission, journey after journey.
"I don't know why she always refuses to see him off with me and Sakura-chan"
"She already told you she is busy with Boruto, stop being a drag"
"I mean he is my brother, by extension he is supposed to be hers"
At this statement, Shikamaru's gaze darkened a considerable bit
"He is maybe your brother, but not hers. You should learn to put bounds between your relationship with him and hers with him"
"I understand. You know how much I would protect Hinata, how much I love her, but it is Sasuke we are talking about here ... I can doubt you, I can doubt Sai or even Kakashi, but I can never doubt him"
'Idiot' Shikamaru grimly mused
He would learn to wander, to explore the vast universe,the world ; in order to lose the one thing he wishes so desperately to find ... Protracted journeys of loss, of solitude, of cleansing his soul.
He would wake up once in a hospital ward after a particularly nasty mission to find Sakura, Naruto near, by his side and a small bouquet of magnificent white roses laying beside his bed.
"You will have to go again"
"I have to"
There is an accusation unsung in Naruto's bright eyes, in Sakura's.
He doesn't want to think what other accusations might have been conjured had he gave in to his madness, had she not been virtuous enough.
"You know Kakashi will retire soon and I will need you if I become Hokage"
"I will come back eventually"
He will come from his self-imposed exile to a blossoming daughter who doesn't know him, one who needs him ...his keen eyes and care.
He will come back to a changed village and to Naruto as Hokage and a father of two.
A boy who is his daughter's rival, who considers him his hero and master, and a daughter whom he hasn't yet seen, Himawari.
"Himawari"
She calls after her daughter at the cemetery's gate
He spots them there, mother and daughter. Himawari: sunflower who looks exactly like her mother, chubby cheeks, dark hair and blue eyes which for the oddest of reasons don't resemble Naruto's but are so characteristically her mother's ... Same softness and kindness.
"Hinata-chan"
She froze.
They haven't changed too much since they last saw one another.
Her hair is shorter, she is more plump but her eyes, they are same, as glazed & light as they have always been.
he hasn't changed as well. Still tall, rigid with all the sadness pooling in his eyes.
"Sasuke ...-san !"
"Mama"
The little girl tugs at her mother's skirt, demanding to be carried before cowering in her legs at the sight of the stranger.
"This is Himawari" She smiles fondly as she lifts her daughter off the ground.
"Himawari, this is Sasuke-san, Sarada's father, Say hello"
"Hello, Sasuke-san"
"Hello, Himawari" he smiles as he says
'I miss you' they want to say. It is a flutter of a silky butterfly wing, a teardrop that shines through their bleary eyes, a thread that hangs between them.
Instead, nothing is said, it is only the rustle of autumn leaves between them.
"So, we will be off now, it is already dusk. I will see you around town later, Sasuke-ni"
He knows it is a lie, they will do everything to avoid seeing each other, being in each other's presence, so the dormant seed wouldn't resurrect.
He can't help it though, feeling a stroke of joy, of happiness to have seen her, to have known her & fallen in love with her beneath the dull pain.
They might have hated each other had anything proceeded, this ray of understanding, of clemency between them might have been severed had they gone too far.
They didn't
"Of course, goodbye. Hinata-chan, goodbye Himawari"
He watches her leave, walk along the horizon, with the girl's curious gaze occasionally lifting .. catching his.
He watches her go like he has watched Itachi, like he has watched his mother & father before her ...
Only this time, he doesn't chase her, he doesn't chase the horizon.
Chasing the uncatchable is painful ... Fruitless anyway.