Title: The Good Girl
Author: WildCherry45
Notes: Set in DTMFG.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.. as usual.

"Instincts are misleading. You shouldn't think what you're feeling. They don't tell you what you know you should want." – Death Cab for Cutie

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Everyone thought they had her figured out- little Haley James, pure and simple. Always the good girl, never did anything wrong and never would. Then, she got married. Everyone still thought of her as the good girl. She was just now the good wife with the perfect husband. Of course, Haley would be the first one off the block to get married. She was stable and she was consistent. Her life to the outside world was like sparkling diamonds wrapped in blue velvet, complete with silver lining. She had it all- her own apartment, a loving husband, supportive friends, popularity and a growing music career. To everyone else, she was the girl who went from nothing to everything in one week. Within a span of a few hours, everyone knew her name and who she was dating. They knew what she ate for lunch, the latest sweater she bought from the mall and the brand of mousse that she used on her hair. They thought they knew Haley Scott inside out.

And, it was true. They did. Who they didn't know was Haley James- the girl that nobody bothered to pay attention to beforehand. The girl who lurked the corners of Tree Hill High, going from classroom to classroom, books stuffed with homework papers in hand. Nobody cared about the girl with a passion for music and old movies. Nobody cared about her because Haley James did not possess the high school version of the American Dream. She did not have an all-star jock boyfriend nor did she have movie-star quality hair. She did not hang out with the popular crowd and as far as anyone saw, she had only one friend. Haley James was just a shadow, one that faded away into the new and improved Haley Scott.

Haley Scott was the girl to envy. Haley Scott was perfect with her three octave range and fine tuned piano skills. Haley Scott had the developed fashion skills of Brooke Davis and refined musical tastes of Peyton Sawyer. Haley Scott was the combination of all that was to be desired in a high school girl.

For the past few months, she had been so busy being the epitome of perfection in everyone else's eyes that in her own, she had already lost the definition of perfection. She had forgotten that she was against perfection in the first place. Humans were not meant to be perfect; it wasn't possible in her opinion. Flaws characterized a personality and she used to take pride in her own, acknowledging them and accepting them. She didn't like changing herself to accommodate others, at least, Haley James didn't.

Haley Scott was a different story, it seemed.

She had expected her marriage to Nathan to change a few things but nothing so drastically. She had never wanted to change herself. But, it had happened, over the course of the past few months, she had changed, whether she wanted to or not. She had become someone else and she supposed change was usually good. She just wasn't sure if it was in this scenario.

Who was she now anyway?

Haley knew that bits and pieces of her old self was still within her. It wasn't possible to eliminate all of her quirks in such a short period but most of it had faded away and she had become someone that people paid attention to, someone that people noticed, someone that people liked. It felt good when someone greeted her and recognized her when she walked down the hallway. It felt good to be known and so the change didn't hit her nor did it bother her. Perhaps she knew it was happening all along, she just didn't want to acknowledge it.

She still didn't.

This identity crisis of hers was just a trick of the mind. She tried to tell herself this repeatedly but there was only so far she could go with that. She was a smart girl and she had a breaking point. She had finally reached it and she had finally realized that lying was no longer an option she wanted to have.

She wanted normal again. She wanted to be truthful and carefree and just enjoy her life. She was satisfied with living her life everyday in quiet with her books and Lucas. She enjoyed simplicity instead of the flashiness that embodied her life now. It seemed that had changed as well. Instead of spending time with Dickens, Wilde or Emerson on the weekends, she was either at a party, hosting a sleepover or at a dance.

When was the last time she picked up a book for pleasure reading anyhow?

She couldn't remember.

Haley's grip tightened on the wheel as she approached the stoplight. She had been down this road many times before. One more block and then a right, straight down and the apartment complex was on the left. She looked up at her rearview mirror and stared blankly at it. There she was, Haley Scott, clear as day. Her hair fell around her face, the soft curls framing her made her appearance so much more alluring. Her eyes shone brightly and were further enhanced by the dash of eye shadow and eyeliner. Even she had to recognize herself that she was so much more beautiful then she was before.

Beautiful was not a word she could use to describe Haley James; pretty, maybe and possibly cute but not beautiful. Beautiful was a word that was used to describe the Peyton Sawyers and Brooke Davises of the world. She had not been among that list before and so when she was finally admitted into that world, she accepted it with open arms. It felt good to be beautiful.

She couldn't remember how it felt to be pretty.

Haley squeezed her eyes together tightly and nearly jumped when she heard the honk. Green light, go. Pressing the accelerator lightly, she approached the turn, noting it was only a few feet away. She should put her blinker on now. It was the appropriate thing to do, of course. She was going to go home and run back into Nathan's arms and find comfort there. He would erase all the marks that Chris had made upon her heart and make her forget that he even existed. He would be Nathan. Strong, dependent and loving.. he would be the epitome of every girl's fantasy. He would be her knight in shining armor.

That was what she wanted after all, wasn't it?

Her fingers encircled the lever and she sighed heavily when she heard the resounding click followed by the reliable green light flashing in front of her. She would make a right turn and go home to her husband. That was where she belonged, by his side. After all, she was Mrs. Haley Scott now. She had responsibilities to uphold. She could not accept Chris's offer to go to New York. It wasn't even a temptation.

She was married now. She couldn't even consider it. She would not be disloyal to Nathan. She was loyal if nothing else. Haley bit her lower lip, the last of the thought remaining in the forefront of her mind. If nothing else. She paused and tried her best to ignore the tingling sparks singing her skin. She would make the turn and then everything would be okay. Things would be okay again. She and Nathan would no longer be fighting. Chris would leave Tree Hill and everything would be perfect again. She would go back to being Haley Scott, the pearl in everyone's eyes.

Normal was in reach.

The tears slid down her face as she cancelled the signal and pressed the accelerator. She could feel the sob bubbling in her throat as she looked in the rear view mirror, the image of the missed turn burned into her brain.

Why did she do that? Why? WHY?

The question whizzed through her head and no plausible answer came to mind. It was on impulse. For that moment, she didn't want to go back to normal. She didn't like this new version of normal. Making that turn would not have brought her back into freshman year and her rumblings on the rooftop of the café with Lucas. It would've brought her back to Nathan and their little world of perfection. It would've brought her back to the world Haley Scott considered normal.

She didn't want to go there anymore. She didn't want to go back to a world where she was a made-up perfected reflection of someone she really wasn't. She wanted to go where she felt like a naïve and quiet freshman again. She wanted to feel like she did a year ago. She wanted to capture and store the memories of feeling like Haley James once again in her mind. She wanted to keep them locked up because she didn't remember anymore.

She took all that for granted before and when everything changed, she didn't realize what she lost until she was too late.

Chris made her feel like that way again. It wasn't because she was attracted to him physically or even emotionally. He was revolting to her now with his words of manipulation and insult. She didn't love him. As of this moment, she barely even liked him. She did, however, like the way he made her feel when he was around her. Because when he was with her, he made her feel like Haley James again. He made her feel like she could be someone outside of Haley Scott and outside of her marriage to Nathan. He made her feel like she could be her own person again.

He made her feel real.

That was something she didn't want to give up. It was something that she couldn't give up. For the first time in months, she felt like Haley James again- the nervous, self conscious girl that nobody noticed. Music was raw it was passionate. It was radically new field to which she had no real substantial prior experience. Chris, like Nathan was in the beginning of their relationship, was the one who knew it all and the one who had the connections. He was the big guy calling all the shots and he had an aura of control that she was naturally attracted to.

She felt like tutor girl again. She wouldn't lie. It felt good, much better than it did to feel beautiful or perfect.

She wanted it to stay that way but she knew it couldn't. It wasn't possible just like she couldn't have the best of both worlds. She had made a choice when she married Nathan and she knew there would be sacrifices. What she told Chris was true, marrying Nathan was not a mistake. She loved the man with all her heart, sometimes to the point that when he was not by her side, she felt physical pain. Like now, a part of her wanted nothing more than to turn the car around and drive back to him and just touch him. Just hug him and just have him wrap his arms around her. It would comfort her and it would erase all the desperation and pain she had been feeling for the past few hours. Nathan had that sort of calming effect on her and she loved him for it. She married him because she loved him. That wouldn't change.

Chris wouldn't and didn't change that. She loved Nathan, not him.

Things were still unsettled though and up in the air. She wanted closure and she needed acceptance.

The airport exit was coming up on the left now and this time, the decision to make the turn did not cause her to fall to pieces. That sort of emotional torment was only reserved for someone that she deeply cared about, as masochistic as that may have seemed. Haley followed the signs, her body falling into automatic as she found a spot and parked the car. She turned the engine off but didn't move.

She couldn't. Was she actually going to do this? What was it that she was going to? She still wasn't sure yet. Why was she here? It would only make things messier in the end. The thoughts continued to race through her head as her fingers traced over the handle on the door. Just one push and she would be out of the car. She had to do this.

Opening the car door and then slamming it shut, Haley stood near her car, her hands shaking as she locked the door. She brushed her fingertips against the door, lingering for a moment before she set off for the airport doors. Arriving inside, she silently searched for Chris's bus number and gate. Only one bus to New York, not entirely surprising.

It fit well into the finality scenario. Only one bus so there could be no flip-flopping. Her heels clicked against the wooden plank as she stepped out into the cold night air. She wrapped her arms around herself as she walked towards the gate, the fluorescent light of the indoors creating soft glow that framed her figure. Step. Step. Step.

Each impact against the plank seemed to be heavier than the last. She could see his silhouette against the darkness. Only a few feet away. If she wanted to turn back, now was the time to do it but she knew that if she did, she would never forgive herself. It was time to say goodbye now.

But, what to, she was still unsure of.

"I knew you'd come." Arrogant, cocky and self-assured. The nostalgic feeling of freshman year settled around her and she managed to smile weakly.

"I was on my way home to Nathan," she said softly, wiping the tear stains from her face, "Somehow I ended up here."

He studied her for a moment, his face smug as if he already predicted this was going to happen. "Your ticket," he handed it to her.

The white ticket was starkly contrasted against the dark of the night. She reached her hand out hesitantly, swallowing the lump in her throat, she gently grabbed his hand, whispering, "Thank you."

Chris's brow furrowed in confusion. He glanced down at their joined hands, unsure what her meaning was. The ticket was still firmly in his grasps. What exactly was she thanking him for?

"You've made me feel something that I haven't felt in awhile and you've helped me realized so much." She paused, "So much that I've missed and that I needed to know about myself." She let go of his hand, "But, my place is here with Nathan, not with you." She shook her head, "Not New York."

And, there it was. The goodbye. She smiled weakly and turned around, ignoring his yells of protest as she retreated. The essence of the farewell lied within her heart, not in Chris. She felt as if she said it mostly for her benefit and in retrospect, she did. On the surface, she was saying goodbye to Chris but with further depth, she felt as if she was saying goodbye to an old part of her that he managed to bring back. An old part of her that would always remain within her but was no longer the main part of her.

She had changed.

A soft smile graced Haley's features as she walked away from the airport and back to her car, back to Nathan and back to normal.

She was no longer Haley James.

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