Pokémoon
Pokémoon
(A Crossover/Parody/Comedy Fic)


Lance sighed and keyed open the door leading to the next area of the Elite Four Gym, then stepped aside to permit access to the boy and his Pikachu. "You're getting bad on my ego, Ash," he said wryly as a red beam shot out from the sphere in his palm, and reclaimed the fallen Dragonite. "I'm getting really tired of losing to you. And with those new pokémon..." The Dragon trainer shook his head as Ash passed him. "I hope you win this time, Ash!"
"Me too," the boy in the battered red hat returned as he entered the final room. Pikachu at his heels, he retraced the steps they had taken too many times to count, and stepped up to his final challenge yet again. *~For a final challenge,~* he thought to himself, *~this sure does seem to take a very long time. And here I thought the term "final challenge" implied a one-shot deal. Oh well. I'll do it this time.~* "This time we'll win, Pikachu," he said with conviction, then patted his carrier belt smugly. "And with these three new pokémon, I will become the new Pokémon League Champion!"
The yellow mouse wasn't so sure, and sighed with a cute "Chu..." All the small electric pokémon knew was that its entire body hurt. It had been following its trainer around for more than six months now, and its feet were killing it. Its batteries were a little low since it had electrocuted three of Lorelei's pokémon to a faint in a row, and its head was pounding from that stray blow to the head from a Hitmonchan's Comet Punch. It wanted to believe its trainer, it really did. But over the past few months, it had learned that what its master wanted to do and what its master actually did were usually two very different things.
"Chuu...." it said noncomittally, wondering if it could re-negotiate its contract with Nintendo.
To Ash, the room felt colder this time around, but the trainer he had to beat was still the same maddeningly arrogant jerk he always had been. "Back again, Ashy-Washy?" Gary asked with a cocky grin. He rubbed idly at the gold medallion hung around his neck, the fingers of his other hand twitching idly. "Haven't you lost to me enough yet?"
"This time I'm going to win!" Ash shot back to his brown-haired opponent across the room. "You're not going to beat me this time! I've got brand new pokémon! I'm going to become the League Champion, and you're going to be nothing!" He laughed.
Gary just looked bored. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with, shall we?"His free hand went to the table on which three pokéballs were lying, and a smile that was more of a sneer curled his lips. "I'll even do you a favor and limit the match to three pokémon each. I have a hot date tonight."
Ash reversed his hat, threw a red-and-white ball, and shouted, "Pokémon, I choose you!" The sphere erupted in red light, which formed into the figure of a young girl in a very short blue skirt. Its short blue hair hung over the blue goggles it wore, there was a tiara on its forehead, and its arms were gloved to its elbows.
"This is odd." it said. "Last thing I remember, I was on Mercury, looking for an Imperial Talisman......"
Gary whistled, and his eyes lit with something dangerously -- for him -- close to respect. "You have a Sailor Mercury pokémon?" he said. "Wow. They're rare. Really rare." He smiled then. "I'm glad I picked up these new ones," he remarked casually, sweeping his hands over the half-dozen balls on the table. He picked one seemingly at random, kissed it and threw it. "Pokéball, go!"
The pokémon was revealled to be a humanoid figure with pink-highlighted ice blue hair, green skin, and a weird bodysuit. Its eyes were closed, and its head was bent over a vine-covered flute, as it floated three feet into the air. Ash reached for his Pokédex reflexively, as he was unable to take his eyes off the strange beastie.
"::Alan::," the mechanical voice droned. "::A pokémon of the Misunderstood-But-Not-Evil-Alien type. Its attacks rely on the flute it is never seen without. More information unavailable. If you would like a full analysis of this pokémon, it is suggested that you purchase the Pokédex 3.1 software::."
"Damn," Ash snapped as he tucked the red book-like computer away. "I knew I should have upgraded my Dex last time I was in Pallet." A determined light lit in his eyes. "We'll do this the old-fashioned way then." He turned to his pokémon, pointing to the Alan. "Mercury, Analyze Attack! Now!"
The Mercury pokémon raised the small computer it carried in its hands, and its fingers began tapping buttons almost faster than mere mortal eye could follow. "The enemy is fifty percent Complex Personality!" it shouted in a clear voice, and strange symbols flashed on the surface of its blue-tinted goggles. "Twenty-five percent Angst-Ridden Music! Five percent Hair Dye! Ten percent Good Warped Into Evil By Sheer Necessity! And ten percent Friday Night Cardian Poker!"
The ice-blue head jerked in pain, and Alan reeled as it felt the hated Analysis touch its misunderstood soul. Gary waved at Mercury. "Alan!" he shouted. "Hit it back with Haunting Flute Aria! Put it to sleep!"
The Alan's eyes opened and flared with red light. Bending its head once again over the mouthpiece to its flute, it began playing a strange, lilting melody that hung in the air. The Mercury began to sway, and its eyes began to close.
"Mercury!" Ash shouted desperately. "Use a combo of Super-Useless Fact and Hopeful Logic on him! That should shut him down!"
Mercury took one step back, shook its head as if to rid itself of the sleep-inducing tune, and sucked in a deep breath. "The chief export of Kazackitarastan is the chief import of the neighbouring country of Onaemoniopotamia," it shouted above the notes of the flute. It was rewarded by a faltering of Alan's breathing, and the flute squeaked, disrupting the spell of sleep it had been weaving. Mercury continued, heartened. "Therefore, if we do as the Onaemoniopotamians do, we can take on the Enemy, and we can win, bringing peace back to the Millennium!"
"Use your Junior High Stud Muffin Good Looks on it!" Gary ordered, and for a moment, it looked like the Mercury was finished, for very few pokémon of the Girl Warrior type could withstand the Alan when it used that attack.
The Alien pokémon straightened its shoulders, dropped the flute, and tried to smile. The frown on its face as it puzzled over the Mercury's words prevented it from doing too much damage, and, after recovering from a slight blow, Mercury hit its opponent with one final Useless Fact.
"The recovery rate of patients after death is zero percent!" it screamed, and Alan, its mind overloaded with worthless trivia, fell over, Xs where its eyes should have been.
"Yes!" Ash did a little dance as Gary recalled his fallen Alan. "That's one down! Only two left!"
"Don't get too excited, Ash," Gary warned, a secret smile curving his lips as he replaced the Alan ball and picked up another one. "Pokéball, GO!"
This time, the freed pokémon was a tall man in white, with chin-length white hair, a chillingly evil smile and earrings made of black crystal dangling from both lobes. Its eyes were cold and remote, and it had a black inverted crescent moon on its forehead.
Ash blinked as he recognized the pokémon. "A Prince Diamond? I've heard of those." Again, his hand flickered to his Dex.
"::Prince Diamond,::" it intoned. "::One of the Black Moon Royal Family Jewels pokémon, of the Arrogance category. Its attacks are fast, accurate and, in some recorded cases, lethal::."
"OK," Ash nodded, and pointed at his Mercury. "Analyze Attack!"
Mercury didn't even have time to raise its computer, let alone scan the Prince Diamond with it. Gary smirked and said, "Third Eye Bind, Prince Diamond."
In a heartbeat, the Prince Diamond's eyes went very wide, and its snow white bangs floated up from its head in a blatant defiance of gravity. The black moon on its forehead blinked inward, then became a vertical eye. "Raghhhhhh!" the Prince Diamond screamed, and bright white light flared from the new eye. Mercury cried out and staggered back before it was frozen in its tracks.
"Mercury!" Ash shouted. "Try Hopeful Logic!"
The blue haired pokémon sucked in a breath, and shouted, "You're an Evil Bad Guy! I'm a Good Warrior of Light! You're Black Moon, I'm White Moon! I have to win! It's a really overworked cliché, I know, but that's the way it is! Plus, it's in my contract!"
Prince Diamond roared in pain as Mercury's Logical power struck him broadsidedly, and staggered back a pace. Gary looked worried for all of two seconds before ordering calmly, "Prince Diamond, Chillingly Evil Laugh combined with Arrogant Dismissal!"
A small chuckle escaped the Evil pokémon's lips, and within a few breaths, turned into full-fledged, horrifyingly evil laughter. "You'll never beat me, Sailor girl!" it said between guffaws, and Mercury stumbled to its knees at the dual onslaught. "I will defeat you, because you are powerless against me! Do you hear me? POWERLESS AGAINST ME!!!! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!"
Despite its valiant efforts to withstand the cruel attack, Mercury toppled slowly to its stomach. Ash growled and recalled his pokémon, and pulled out his Dex. "What can stand against a Prince Diamond's power?" he asked the device. "Mercury couldn't do it, so what can?"
"::Not many kinds of pokemon have the ability to deal with an Black Moon Family pokémon. One of the few pokémon who can withstand the laughter and arrogance of the Prince Diamond species are those that belong to the Dressed for A Dinner Party type::," Dexter told him in its monotonous voice. "::The use of the Mercury pokémon was a folly, a mistake. You should have used your Tuxedo Mask, Trainer Ash::"
"Thanks for telling me beforehand," Ash said sarcastically and he tucked the Dex back in his pocket.
A muffled "::You didn't ask me,::" came from the regions of his pocket as he selected his second pokéball and threw it. His second pokémon revealled itself to be a tall man in tails and a top hat, carrying a rose in its gloved left hand. A white mask covered its eyes, and a black cape billowed from its shoulders.
Gary gnawed on a knuckle as it dawned on him that he might really be in trouble. "Chillingly Evil Laugh!" he called, and his Prince Diamond tried its best, but the Tuxedo Mask belonging to his rival was immune.
"Cheesy Inspirational Speech!" Ash ordered.
"If you look into your heart, you can win!" Tuxedo Mask said imperiously. "You may be evil, but I believe there is still some good in you! If you find that good, you can beat me!"
Prince Diamond swayed, and put a hand to its head. It shook its head in denial, obviously not liking the thought that there could be a even a minute amount of good in its Bad to the Bone form. Its laughter faltered, then desisted altogether.
"Try your Dramatic Cape-Billowing Agility, Tuxedo Mask!"
The Caped Dinner Companion began leaping from place to place, sometimes touching off the walls, its cloak always managing to trail behind it, wafting in the breeze it created. Prince Diamond laughed in its direction, but the erratic movements made it dizzy. Before long, Gary was down two pokémon, and Ash had won the second round.
Gary laughed as he picked up his third and final pokéball. "Have fun trying to beat this one, Ash!" he said as he tossed his last pokémon into the ring. "There's only one pokémon that can do it!"
The pokémon was a tall woman in a scandalously tight purple dress. Its hair floated about its pale, vampire-like face in a wild, uncontrolled manner. It smiled and gave a small laugh as its beady red eyes narrowed on Ash's Tuxedo Mask.
Out came the pokédex again. "::Queen Beryl::," Dexter said listlessly. "::A pokémon of the Bitch Queen type. Has strong subliminal powers over the Men element, especially the Caped Men, and is stronger than any Girl Warrior pokémon::."
"You're no help," Ash grumbled as he tossed the Dex aside. "Okay, Tuxedo Mask! Use your Cheesy Inspirational Speech!"
"Counter with Brainwashing Subversion Ray!" Gary rapped out, and Queen Beryl smiled. From its eyes, a black beam lashed out and slammed into Tuxedo Mask. For a moment, it seemed as though Tuxedo Mask just might withstand the attack. But as the beam increased, the rose in Tuxedo Mask's hand flickered and turned black. Then, the pokémon fell over in a heap.
Ash swore as he recalled Tuxedo Mask. One pokémon left, that's all he had. He looked to Pikachu at his feet. "Help me out here, Pikachu?" he pleaded.
The yellow mouse looked at him as if he was crazy. "Pikachu," it said in a tone that clearly stated it would picket before facing the Bitch Queen. It folded its arms and glared defiantly up at its trainer as if to say, ~You have to be kidding.~
Ash sighed, and reached for the last of his new pokémon. Covering his eyes, he blindly threw the ball. Without looking, he knew what he would see; a blonde-haired Girl pokémon that wore much to the same clothing as his Mercury. This pokémon, belonging to the Moon Kingdom Klutz group, had proven to be more of a Psyduck than a Mewtwo in battle. He waited for the hysterical laughter, only peeking through his fingers when he heard Gary curse rather loudly and kick something.
"How did you know?" Gary shrieked. "How did you know that the only thing that can beat a Queen Beryl is a Sailor Moon?"
Ash straightened as if shot. "Wha..? You mean, my pokémon might actually beat you this time?"
Gary kicked at the table leg again, muttering under his breath. "Beryl!" he shouted, and there was a desperate tone in his voice. "Try using your Crystal Ball Hand Wave! Lull it into a trance!"
Ash brightened at the thought that he might actually win this time around. "Sailor Moon!" he yelled. "Use your Klutz Attack!"
"Waaaaaahhhh!" the blonde pokémon cried as it tripped over one of Gary's stray, rolling pokéballs and fell headlong into its Evil opponent. Beryl's eyes widened in shock as the two Women fell over into a heap.
"Beryl, Recover!"
It jumped back to its feet with a roar of anger. Then, totally to the surprise of its trainer, it lashed out with a black beam that smashed into Sailor Moon and sent the blonde flying into the nearest wall.
"Ooh, you're mean," it said as it got to its feet, rubbing its derriere and glaring fiercely at the Queen. "You won't get away with this, Beryl!" it declared.
"Sailor Moon! Use your Cheap Tiara Toss!"
"Beryl! Get it with Bitch Beam!"
This time, both Sailor Moon and Beryl ignored their trainers. "I'll kill you for good this time, Moon Child!" it roared, preparing a ball of black energy.
"I won't let you, Beryl. In the name of the Moon."
And then Sailor Moon began to glow.
"What? Sailor Moon is evolving?!"
When the glow faded, a Princess Serenity pokémon stood there, her eyes shut. There was a small, crescent-shaped wand in her clasped hands.
"Whoa!" Desperately, Ash made a dive for his discarded Pokédex, and whipped it open. Pikachu squeaked in alarm as its trainer thumped back to earth too close for its comfort.
Dex seemed to sigh. "::Princess Serenity. The rarest type of pokémon ever discovered. The evolved form of Sailor Moon. Uses the Cresent Moon Wand to unleash enormous amounts of light and energy. Is practically unbeatable."
"YES!" Ash shrieked.
"NO!" Gary shrieked.
Ash, triumphant now, laughed a little "Ha ha!" Stancing, he pointed at the Beryl. "Princess Serenity! Finish Beryl off!"
Serenity opened its eyes, but it just stood there, as if waiting for something. "Are you going to evolve?" it asked Gary's Beryl in a peevish tone. "Or are we going to just stand around here all day?" br> Beryl snorted. "Just wait, Moon Brat," it hissed, and it, too, began to glow.
"What? Beryl is evolving?!"
When the glow faded, Beryl's purple dress had become red, and its hair was now green and standing upright in a Bride of Frankenstein kind of way. "Now we will battle!" it shrilled.
"And that is...?" Ash queried his Dex.
"::Queen Beryl possessed by Queen Metallia,::" Dex sniped back. "::What does it look like?::"
Black energy erupted from Beryl-Metallia's palms, heading towards Serenity at an alarming rate. A flare from the stone atop the crescent wand met it in halfway, and the two beams did battle for a few moments.
Then, out of thin air and without warning, four feminine shapes faded into being around the Princess pokémon, solidifying as the crescent on Serenity's forehead flashed.
"::Quadruple team,::" Dexter told Ash without prompting. "::Serenity's ultimate attack. Its four friends, the Kicking Ass Sailor Senshi, add their power to Serenity's. This attack is also known as the Crescent Moon TKO.::"
Seconds later, Gary's Beryl was little more than...well, _ash_ on the ground, and Gary was throwing a tantrum.
"Well," Ash drawled, recalling his Serenity. "Looks like _I'm_ the Pokémon League Champion now."
"Alright, alright," Gary grumbled. He picked up the pokéballs littering the floor, and left without saying another word.

* *

Two days later, Ash was back in Pallet Town, his face red, and his ego thoroughly battered. Gary met him at Professor Oak's laboratory.
"You're not supposed to leave Indigo Plateau until someone beats you, Ash," he said.
"I know," came the response, and it dawned suddenly on Gary.
"Too much time in the sun, Ash?" he taunted, pointing to Ash's red complexion and downcast face.
"No," the former Pokémon League Champion replied morosely. "Some kid who could talk about nothing but comfortable shorts came in and kicked my ass with a Rattata." He sighed and shrugged. "Apparently, Princess Serenity and Sailor Mercury are afraid of rats...."

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Author's Note On The Origin Of This Fic: I was sitting at my computer playing Pokémon Yellow one day, getting mightily frustrated. After Gary killed me.....excuse me, _made me faint_....for the zillionth time, I permitted myself to have a small fantasy of revenge. I pondered on the implications that would arise if it were possible to bring in people from other animes and mangas to be pokémon on my side. Then I realized that the other side should be permitted to have the same luxury, and I entertained myself for a short while thinking about the battles that would be. (Yes, I know I have no life, thank you for reminding me.) This fic was born of that small, futile fantasy. (PS: The attitude of Lance at the beginning of the story shows how I would feel if I was beaten by the same brat kid seventeen times in one day.)

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