It's Hard to Say Goodbye

Remedy for the lack of Tessa's funeral

By: Ravenclaw

That plane ride was the longest trip Richie Ryan had ever taken in his life and Tessa lay in an eternal sleep inside a pine box several thousand miles behind him. He had hoped Mac would have come with him but all he did was hand Richie a checkbook and a plane ticket to Paris. Richie was charged with the most difficult task he had ever faced. He was forced to burry Tessa alone in Paris. He had no idea how to go about it and resented MacLeod for it too. If there had been any sound during the plane ride Richie had not noticed it. He was too lost in thought and remorse to even care.

When he arrived in Paris he took a cab to the barge. He stood on the dock for a few minuets before stepping onto the gangplank. He heard Tessa's laughter and saw her ghost walking about the deck. How he wished it hadn't been his own musings . . . He longed to see her once more . . . even if she was just a ghost. A gunshot seemed to ring threw the air and brought Richie back to the present. Led weights tied to his ankles made the walk upon the deck long and hard and he resented MacLeod for it.

He stowed his gear in his room, which had been an extra room next to the kitchen and bathroom. He pushed jetlag aside and picked up the telephone book. He knew Tessa wanted to be buried next to her parents so he figured the person he needed to talk to about that would be the cemetery caretaker. After half an hour of phone calls (Tessa had taken the time to teach him French, Mac said she was a gluten for punishment) and stumbling over his accent he finally secured the plot next to Tessa's father François Noel. The next thing to do was to find a crypt. He found the address of a local funeral home and learned where he could purchase such an item. He picked out one with a beautiful black granite top and a name marker. As far as he knew it was something she would have wanted, simple yet elegant and tasteful. Richie thought there should be some kind of holy man there, he wish Darius had still been alive, there was no one better than he to perform a funeral service for her than him. But he had to settle for another priest. Once he had called the funeral parlor back in Seacouver and learned the date the casket would arrive he scheduled the date with the priest and resigned himself to the barge until the day arrived. He spent the time resenting MacLeod.

It rained that day and the priest canceled on him. Tessa had no living relatives who could or cared to attend her funeral so Richie stood there alone in the rain fighting the urge to cry. He didn't win and the icy wind and cold rain-washed away his tears. He knew he should say something but for the first time in his life he was speechless. Still he managed to force the words from his mouth:

"Well . . . I'm an Immortal now . . . Yeah Ryan that was the right thing to say . . . Mac . . . He misses you Tess . . . he uh, he's at the island right now . . . I . . . I uh, I miss you too. I, I should have seen it coming! The guy, the gun . . . I should have stepped in front of you . . . then maybe we'd both be alive . . . I . . . I'm so sorry."

Richie hung his head and turned from her grave . . . he took one last look at the rain covered stone and walked from the cemetery. No sooner did his foot hit the pavement outside the gate did he feel the presence of an Immortal. He panicked, he was several thousand miles away from MacLeod and about to face an Immortal and he resented MacLeod for it. His only chance was the pistol in his pocket and the Holy Ground behind him. He took the Holy Ground. He turned in every angel looking for the threat. The buzzing got stronger and he didn't notice he was about to stumble over Tessa's marker. His foot slipped and he fell in the muddy gravel. He pulled the pistol from his pocket "Whoa kid don't shoot I'm a friend of Duncan's!" Richie looked behind him and saw a pair of Nike tennis shoes. He looked into the rain and saw a hand offering to help him up, he didn't take it and struggled to his feet by himself. He squinted threw his rain soaked hair at the man in the rumpled trench coat in front of him. "I'm Conner MacLeod . . . You don't remember me do you?" Richie wiped the rain from his eyes and studied the man.

"You're that guy," Richie said "you fought that Cat guy."

"You do remember me . . . Duncan was worried about you, sent me to see how things where going."

"He didn't seem too worried a week ago." Richie said and he resented MacLeod for it.

"I heard what happened . . . I flew to Seacouver as soon as I heard . . . he's taking it pretty hard." Conner didn't bother mentioning the giant pile of firewood, two tree stumps and 5 broken axe handles when he found MacLeod. "What say we get out of the rain? My car is over there."

"Sure."

Well it was safe to say Richie hadn't expected Conner to be driving an 87 Honda but he assumed it was a rental. His bags where in the back seat so Richie deduced that Conner didn't have a place to stay yet. He knew Conner was an old friend of MacLeod's but that didn't help the fact that he was nervous. Richie had never been this close to any Immortal other than Mac but Richie also hadn't been Immortal until recently and he swore his neck itched. He decided small talk was the best. "So you uh, you gotta place to stay yet?"

"No I just got into town about an hour ago."

"So how long have you known Mac?"

"About 360 years, I was his first teacher. We are from the same Clan but I was born about 80 years before he was."

"I guess you have a lot of past."

"You could say that." Conner smiled slightly

"Have you ever-" Richie began

"Her name was Heather . . . she died just about the time Duncan was born."

"I'm sorry . . . So how did she die?"

"In my arms."

"Sorry."

"Don't be . . . she was just . . ." Conner fell silent

"She died of old age?"

"Yeah."

"How do you handle it?"

"The same way you do."

"No I mean does it get easier?"

"You mean the loss? Never . . . When you love some one they become a part of you and when they leave-"

"You mean die." Richie said with a hard voice

"When they die that part of you is never the same again."

"You sound like she died yesterday . . . So no matter how old you are you can never escape loving someone."

"You're still human Richie . . . you just live longer. You can't remove yourself from your emotions . . . when you do that you-"

"You die?"

"Something like that." Conner said. By this time they had already arrived at the barge and where now sharing a cup of coffee.

"So why did Mac stay in Seacouver and leave me to take care of everything?"

"I'd say half because he believes you are old enough and you knew Tessa well enough that you could handle this by yourself and half because he needs to remove himself from civilization for a while. Duncan has a tendency to get too close . . . as do I . . . Duncan needs to get away and deal with this in his own way. It's hard to say but like you I think he is blaming himself for what happened."

"How did-" Richie started

"After 500 years you kinda can tell. But it wasn't your fault Rich, it wasn't Duncan's fault and it wasn't Tessa's fault . . . You can't blame yourself . . . It was her time."

"How can you say it was her time?" Richie yelled "She was 32 years old! She had barely begun to live her life!"

"Richie one thing you will learn is that everything in life has a purpose. Things eventually fit, no matter the century. It could be 200 years down the road before you realize that she died for a reason and hell by then you may not believe me still but it's the truth. Duncan needs to realize that too."

"So what now?"

"You can grieve but don't let it overtake you . . . You will heal . . . it may take years, centuries even but one day it won't hurt as much."

"You still miss Heather don't you?"

"Every day I wake up and think she is lying beside me . . . each time I see an empty pillow my heart breaks all over again."

They talked threw the night, not all of it as about loosing loved ones . . . Conner even shared certain material about Duncan that Richie could use as blackmail later in life. For a few hours it was as if Richie was looking at a baby album of his friend. Conner knew Richie needed to laugh a bit so he dug into his mental archives and embarrassed his clansmen from several thousand miles away.

Conner slept on the couch that night. The following day they made arrangements to fly back to Seacouver. Conner wasn't about to let Richie out of his sight . . . He knew Richie could handle himself but he thought it best to stay near him.

In the weeks that followed Tessa's death still stung like a sore to alcohol. There had been one moment where he allowed his feelings to overwhelm him, but that was a wound that both Duncan and he soon knitted together.

She was gone and each time Richie woke thinking he smelled the sent of clay, welded metal and sketch paper . . . but each time he found himself bound in disheveled sheets and lacking the one woman who had been like a mother to him . . . and He didn't resent MacLeod for it.

Author's Notes:

I was watching a few episodes from season 2 and realized we never knew exactly what happened after Tessa died. I guess this is my way of dealing with the loss. It has been a long time since I lost someone very close to me . . . that is someone who wasn't a pet. I can't empathize with the loss of a parent/lover so I don't exactly know how to cope with it. My Grandfather died when I was about 7 I really was heartbroken after that but it's not fresh enough to use as a media. My other Grandfather who died a few years ago I never really knew . . . Too much hard living gained him a stroke and a residence as a vegetable in the local nursing home. Not before he was saved though! :-) I thought this up exactly 24 hours before it was completed.

I don't know if I captured the loss of a friend like Tessa or not so you'll have to tell me.