Bella's POV:

I sat on the couch, dreading what I was going to do today. Edward was finally going to hunt with his brothers. We usually went hunting together, but I told him to go have some time with them. He was reluctant to go, but I basically shoved him out of the house while telling him playfully to bag a few mountain lions for me. We both smiled at each other at the memory -foggy for me- where I said that before.

He kissed me goodbye and ran out of the house to catch up with Emmett and Jasper. All the girls were out of the house: Alice and Rose were shopping and Esme was at Charlie's.

I knew Carlisle was in his study, but I didn't want to get up yet. I wasn't ready to tell him. I was finally going to tell him what the morphine actually did during the transformation from human to vampire.

When I was sure Edward was far enough away that he couldn't hear Carlisle's mind, I walked up the stairs and lightly knocked on the door to his study.

"Come in," I heard Carlisle say from behind the door. I opened it slowly and saw Carlisle sitting behind his old desk with a think volume in front of him. He placed a bookmark in it and gently closed the book.

"Hello, Bella," Carlisle said with a smile. "What can I do for you?"

I sighed and pushed my shield out of my mind to not only cover myself but to cover Carlisle as well just incase Edward was still in mind reading range. "I need to tell you something." I saw his puzzled expression I added, "About my transformation."

His expression turned from puzzlement to eager in less than a second, and he leaned forward. "You can't tell Edward or think of it by him… not yet."

He nodded and stared at me for a moment, and when I failed to continue he spoke sadly and softly. "It didn't work." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

I looked at the ground, unable to speak. The memory of the fiery pain overtaking my mind. I could still remember the agony and wishing for death or even the ability to move. I wanted to writher in pain and scream for it to all end, but I was paralyzed. A curse for me, a gift for Edward. I can remember the unbearable pain that would only get worse as time went on, but Edward knowing I was in pain would take the pain to a new level.

"I…" I looked at him with pleading eyes. "I was paralyzed. I couldn't move a muscle, I couldn't speak a word… it felt like I was tied to a burning stake. If anything, the morphine made it worse. At lest if I could move or talk I could scream and take my mind off the pain, the agony was the only thing I was away of. I was in a endless cover of darkness, all alone. I was struggling to hold on… I could feel how easy it would be to stop fighting it…

"And then, all of a sudden, I went from being tied to the stake to holding on for dear life. I was aware of Edward beside me, and I knew that he would be in pain if he knew I was."

Carlisle stared at me in awe. "You stayed silent because of Edward? You know that makes you stronger than me?" At my confused expression he continued. "I only stayed silent during my transformation for fear that someone would find me and kill me. You stayed silent for love. That makes you stronger."

I smiled slightly. "Thank you, but you are still the strongest person I have ever known."

"You don't see yourself clearly."

I laughed. "Edward tells me that all the time."

He laughed too. "That's because it's true."

I smiled and then sighed. "I'll tell Edward when he gets back. I wanted to tell you first."

He nodded. "Good luck." I'm going to need it.

I felt arms wrap around me and I jumped. I whipped my head around to see that Edward was back. I smiled slightly and twisted around to kiss his jugular. "You're back," I sighed happily.

"Hmm," he hummed against my forehead.

"Welcome home," I said and was pleased by the smile that crossed his face. "Can we go for a run?"

He smiled wider at me and lead me out the door. I took off in the direction of the meadow. When we were halfway there, Edward spoke. "You're awfully quiet today."

"Am I?" I asked innocently… maybe too innocently.

He stared at me for a second. "What's going on, Bella?" I flinched slightly. Edward very rarely calls me Bella anymore. Most of the time, he refers to me as 'love.'

We reached the meadow before I could answer. I grabbed his hand and brought him to the middle of the meadow. I tugged on his hand, and he sat down with a confused look on his face. I sat down, half in his lap, before I responded.

"I need to talk to you about… something," I said hesitantly. I was starting to think this wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, it's too late now.

He visible stiffened. "Yes…"

"Don't worry, love, it's nothing bad." He relaxed once I called him 'love.'

He smiled at me. "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You know how Carlisle has been asking me about my transformation?" He nodded looking confused, so I continued. "I was going to tell the both of you about it, but I wanted to tell you guys alone and separate. I told Carlisle when everyone was gone, though I wanted to tell you first. I want you to listen to everything before you react.

"The morphine didn't really work." His eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped. I held up a finger to stop him. "I could still feel everything… I just couldn't move or talk…" I trailed off, unable to continue in fear that it would make everything worse.

Edward's expression hardened. "Alright, tell me everything."

I hesitated, not wanting to make it worse for him. "I don't know…"

"Damn it, Bella! Tell me, now!" His livid face softened slightly. "Sorry, love. Please go on."

I looked at him and sighed. It would just make him angrier if I didn't say anything. "The pain… was just as bad as it would have been without the medicine. The only difference was that I was paralyzed and… mute."

His eyes widened with understanding. "So that's why you were so still and silent."

I nodded. "Partially." I continued when I saw his confused face. "I explained it like this to Carlisle. The first half was like… being tied to a burning stake. The last half was like holding onto the burning stake for dear life."

His face was full of pain and horror. "What do you mean… by the last part?"

"I… made myself silent at the end. You didn't actually know I was in pain. I knew that if I let you know I was in pain, that you would be too."

He looked down. "I'm so sorry."

I took his face in my hands and forced him to look at me. "Edward, it's not your fault. It would have happened anyway. At least we learned something. I'm not upset about it anymore, so you shouldn't be either."

He sighed. "I guess you're right…"

I smiled grimly. "Of course I'm right."

He rolled his eyes and smiled at me, though his eyes were still pained. "That's the Bella I know." I grabbed his face and kissed him roughly.

"Forever," I breathed. Needless to say, he wasn't in pain for a long time.