Your heart thudded in your chest as you sucked in a breath and squirmed uncomfortably. The blankets felt entirely too hot, even though the weight was relaxing, and you were entirely too nervous about your situation. The solution?
Running away.
No, that wouldn't work, now that you thought about it. Fleeing your very heart and soul was an irrational thing to do. No, leaving your husband was very stupid.
If you really though about it, there was no hope for you. No escape. No backdoor to your predicament. The one night both of you had forgotten about everything, about responsibility, it had taken. And now you were pregnant.
It wasn't at all that you minded a child. You wanted one. But a baby aboard the Enterprise was not anything near the intelligent choice.
Even so, you would never bring yourself to have that baby killed, no matter the trouble it might bring. So what were your other options? Adoption seemed to be the only, and you knew it would break your heart.
Of course, there was leaving the Enterprise. You knew Jim could never, not when they were only two years in their five year journey. But you could. You could be dropped off on some deep-space planet, and be left to fend for yourself without your husband and with a child.
You hated yourself for letting Jim slip. You were so careless; you had, for once in your life, thrown caution to he wind. Your wedding night.
How silently he had undressed you. Stared at you. Kissed you. And yet the number of times he told you that he loved you was infinite. He still let you know without saying. They were small things, like giving you an unearthly flower from a foreign planet, or setting out your clothes for the day.
Or he would kiss you. Softly. Sweetly.
For having a reputation for being talkative, he was so very quiet around you, mostly because nothing needed to be said. You could understand every conceivable emotion running through his dear, dear little head. It was the same with his ability to know you.
And did he know you. He knew every inch of your body, knew how much it meant to you when he held you to him, your head against his chest. He knew every curve; the curve of your hips, your lips, your jawline. He had pressed his own lips to every piece of you, blue eyes so full of love.
He told you that he regretted every woman he'd ever been with before you. He told you that you were the only one he would and could ever love. You knew he would not love a child. But you had to tell him. You had to break your own heart.
It was Bones who found out. He scanned you after a landing, and what he found was pain. Or rather something that would cause pain. He was the only one who knew, other than yourself. He was the only one who knew you were going to tell Jim tonight.
Speaking of Jim, there he was in the doorway, all the sudden. He was smiling softly at you, watching you, and your heart felt so full. You could not tell him.
Bu you had to.
"Jim, I-"
But he leapt across the room as you spoke, landing clumsily on the bed, almost on top of you. He laughed lightly, buried his face in your neck, kissed at your jaw. He looked up at you, laughter and happiness in those eyes, the ones you had fallen for. You managed a weak smile. He could see right through it.
You stroked his stubble with your fingers (and that's what he liked best), but he wouldn't have any of it.
"What's wrong?"
Again, you pasted on a small smile. You were well aware of the low levels of sincerity put in it, and so was Jim. Now your eyes filled with tears and his with concern and you felt empty and defeated and all you wanted to do was lay there, with him, forever and always. You wanted the sheets to be the right temperature, you wanted to hold onto him, you wanted your life back, you wanted, for God's sake, a little peace.
But it had already drained away and you could salvage none of it. You were to be abandoned on a new planet, along with the child, and Jim and you, well, you were through.
It was a difficult time resigning yourself to your fate.
You jumped when he asked again. "What's wrong?" he questioned, voice deep and rumbling.
With a watery sigh, you placed a hand on your stomach. "Do you remember our wedding night?"
His voice turned curious and hesitant now. "Yes?"
"Do you remember what happened? My irresponsibility?"
"I wouldn't call you irresponsible, honey. It was more my irresponsibility, but that doesn't matter anyways. You're fine."
He couldn't get the clue. Another sigh escaped your lips, and the realization dawned in his eyes. You wanted your baby to have those ocean eyes, if only as a painful reminder, a drug, of your lost love.
"Pregnant?"
You nodded, and the tears finally spilled out of your eyes as the lump in your throat burned unbearably. You sobbed as he held you close and you couldn't take the contact. You were leaving and you pushed Jim, your husband, away.
Now his eyes were filled hurt. "Why would you go and do a thing like that?" Fresh sobs racked your body as you tried to explain that you still loved him, you always would, but it was too painful.
"I-I just can't be near to you if I'm leaving! It's too much for me, and I can't handle that kind of contact! It's just too much..."
"Leaving?! What the hell are you talking about? You're pregnant; you can't leave in your condition, and you won't be able to leave after the baby is born!"
He paused to calm himself and take a breath.
"If you really don't want to stay with me, I will let you go if that is what would really, really make you happy. Can't we work this out? I would go through anything to find the problem. But I will not-" and at this point his voice trembled with emotion and his eyes turned pink as water arrived, "-I will not allow our child to come to any sort of harm or separation from a loving parent!"
You were crying so hard now; you could barely stop to talk.
"Jim, no, I don't want to leave you! But it's the only way! Can't you see the struggle of a baby on the ship? Traveling is dangerous, especially uncharted territory, and I know you would hate any added pressure. That why I need to leave with the baby. Jim, it's for you, and it's for the child's safety. All I want is for us to be a family together, but it doesn't currently seem possible and I-" but you were cut off by his lips smashing against yours.
He threaded his hand through your hair and held the kiss, even though you weren't returning it. Five seconds later, he parted and stared intensely into your eyes.
"Honey, this is a new experience. This is uncharted territory, but we will be fine and you will be with me the entire way through. I refuse to be separated from you. I refuse to. We will take extra good care of this new addition, and everything will be alright; I can feel it; I know it. I love you."
And it was so good to hear him say it, so good to hear him say it again and again and again as he pressed his lips to yours in a shared pact and wrapped his arms around you, kissing away every tear trail.