Chapter 1
Leo's POV
I wondered again why I had chosen this path. Not why I joined the Survey Corps, I was glad I had done that, but the other thing. Why, instead of just cutting and dying my hair and taking a new name, maybe acting more feminine or something, I had chosen to pretend to be a man.
"Cadet!" Erd barked. "Would you care to explain your presence in the girl's shower room?"
Goddamn it.
"Would you care to explain yours, sir?" I nearly squeaked. He clenched a fist and ground his teeth before answering.
"I won't say anything if you don't," he said finally. I nodded fervently and left, clothes thankfully on and short hair dripping wet.
I'd asked myself the same question nearly every day for the past two years I'd been in the military, but was given a stark reminder when I saw a wanted poster two days earlier. I was a wanted criminal, an assassin gone rogue, and I would be executed if caught.
"Hey, Joel!" Jeager called when I entered my barrack. Even if I didn't feel safe in the men's shower I felt more than comfortable in the men's barracks; I had always been more comfortable around guys than girls. I lifted a hand in recognition of the greeting. "There's a game of poker going on. You want in?" I now noticed that he sat in front of the beds in a circle of boys, in the center of which lay several piles of checker pieces and cards. I smiled slightly but held up my hand again and shook my head.
I tried not to talk too much. Though I worked to have a more masculine appearance, my voice was still stuck in that feminine alto range from which boys my age had plummeted several months ago.
"You sure?" My quietness was often interpreted as shyness, so Jeager made every effort to include me in social activities. I thought the thought was sweet, but I was always wary to avoid any situation where I might be roped into talking. Too many risks involved.
I walked gingerly across the circle and jumped onto my bed, a bottom bunk for quick escape, and lay on my side facing the wall. I pulled the blanket up around me and tried to sleep, but the conversation that was taking place in the ring of poker players kept me intrigued, not to mention wide awake.
"Did you hear they've got a suspect for the Shadow Killer?" Connie announced.
"They do?"
"Yeah. Some guy named Arnie Templeton. Said he's gonna get a fair trial, but I doubt it. They never give murderers fair trials in the capital."
"How did they find him?" Arlert questioned.
"Police sketches matched his face," answered Connie. "They took eye-witness testimony and compiled different descriptions of the guy."
"That's never seemed right to me," Kirstein interjected. "Police sketches and all. Who's to say the witness wasn't just making it all up? I fold." He placed his hand of cards face-down on the floor to a chorus of chiding remarks.
"What if the Shadow Killer isn't a guy at all?" Jeager suggested. I had to stop myself from stiffening up at that one. "I mean, all the reports say that he moved with such grace, and the guy was pretty slim, so it's a possibility."
"I guess so, but I don't know if a girl could do that. With Titans it's different because they're not human, but wouldn't some kind of maternal instinct come into play with humans?" Kirstein asked. I made a big show of stretching to "accidentally" kick the guy in the head. Sexist pig.
The whole room laughed until Corporal Levi opened the door to tell us it was lights out. That night I slept slightly more peacefully than other nights, though my dreams were still peppered with the images of those I had killed.
That was part of the reason I had gone rogue. I could hardly stand myself.