Thanks to Kassandra for the awesome prompt "Today is the end of tomorrow." I hope I have done it justice!
And Thanks to Sarah for inspiring me to post this :)
There is an epilogue set three years into the future that I hope to finish at some point...
Hope you enjoy
Helen
"I trust we understand each other." He whispers as he pulls her close to face him. Too close. She can feel his breath against her face, it makes her want to vomit. She is forced to look up at him, because he is so much taller than she. He enjoys this superiority, towering over her, looking down to her.
She forces herself to keep her eyes open, to stare right at him without flinching. Her hands are shaking, her heart is racing. 'No' She wants to tell him as she pushes him aside 'No, you do not understand the first thing about me, Jim Fenner.' But she has lost her voice. And so she stands still, staring up at him, silently.
He smiles, victorious. Almost laughing, right in her face. She attempts, to no avail, to return his smile. To maintain her composure. She tries so very hard not to betray to him the level of her terror she is feeling. She is struggling to conceal the fact she is utterly shattered. Shattered by the simple truth that finally- He has won. Whatever happens from this point on, she is defeated. Vanquished.
This sickens her right to her stomach, fills her with shame. A shame that is compounded by the realisation that she is actually relieved. She fought a good fight, with integrity if not always with truth, with strength if not always compassion, with everything in her for everything she possessed, she fought. Bravely, wearily, against her will, day after day she fought.
She lost.
It is over.
And she, Helen Stewart,
...is relieved.
Nikki
Standing in that court after so many years was like a dream. Finally her day arrived, Finally a chance to tell her side of the story. Finally justice, finally vindication, finally she could taste freedom in the back of her throat. That light at the end of the tunnel, so bright it hurts her eyes. That light she had never believed in. That blinding light of hope that Helen Stewart instilled in her. That belief in herself, in justice. It was all so close. And yet her heart was racing as all the eyes in the court room turned towards her in judgement. And she couldn't help that anger that rose up deep inside. Who were these people to cast judgement upon her?
She turned, eyes searching, over her shoulder. Even though her future hung swinging in the balance, that faded into insignificance, and the question in her heart was only this- where was Helen? Her future, freedom, What did it mean without Helen? How had she let it get to this point that her life meant nothing without Helen in it? Had prison warped her mind so completely ?
No, she had always been like that, loving without bounds. She killed for Trish. She would kill for Helen. Would die for Helen. And today, the most important day in her life, and what would Helen do for her? Helen couldn't get over herself long enough to turn up, was not brave enough to show her face. That's how much she meant to Helen Stewart.
Helen was afraid, this she knew. But Helen had risked her job, for this, for justice, for love, for the future. Threw her career away, cast her doubt aside. For this very moment in court.
And she wants to trust in Helen, believe in her, wait for her. After all Helen had brought her this far. Didn't Helen understand how much she needed her here? No , she never understood. All that time on opposite sides of the bars, they never understood each other. And suddenly it hits her like a tonne of bricks. Helen isn't coming. Not today.
And she tunes out as the judge calls her name, Di Barker pulls her to her feet. The voice of the judge sounds distant, faint, surreal as he utters the words. "Nicola Wade, you are free to go."
She looks to him confused. Free? She wants to ask him. No, Not free, I'll never be free, I'll be shackled to Helen Stewart for the rest of my life. But she, the coward who ran away, too gutless to stand beside me, she is the one who is free.
Helen isn't coming, not today, Not ever. Nikki Wade feels her heart stop beating when she realises- she will never see Helen Stewart again.
Helen
"There is no choice." She tells him, seeing instantly that he doesn't understand this, will never understand it.
He shakes his head, smiling to himself, as if he can't comprehend it was that easy. As if he can't quite believe he's found her weakness.
He is smiling because he knows that he has won, no matter which path she takes. He shrugs.
"There is always a choice, Helen." His voice sends chills down her spine, the sound of her own name from that vile man's throat makes her want to gag.
In spite of that ever present fear that he would get the best of her in the end, she never really believed it would come down to this. Never entertained the thought that he would win. That every vile hateful thing he did would pay off in the end. That she'd be the one paying the price for engaging in war against him. She had been So naïve, so optimistic , So profoundly unprepared.
How could it end like this when she was the one in the right? She was the one with the power,? Truth and Justice were on her side? Well, Justice was on her side. Truth, and the law, became somehow skewed along the way. That was the worst part, she couldn't even stand before him and declare herself innocent. She was not. She was no better than he, abusing her position of power, pulling strings for Nikki. She was as guilty as Fenner. But at least her heart was in the right place, He HAD no heart.
He always had the upper hand. Time and time again he won small victories along the way, hurting, discrediting, angering her to the point she wanted to surrender, resign, walk away. It didn't take him long to find her weak point. Her secret desire. Her sin. - Nikki Wade. She never found his. Perhaps he had none. He was heartless, spineless, ruthless. He cared for nothing over himself, she almost pitied him. He knew nothing of self sacrifice, of love. Of true happiness.
She closes her eyes, blocks him out, thinks of Nikki. Thinks that even after all this she wouldn't swap those moments, that night, for the world. Wouldn't swap Nikki's freedom for her own. She thinks of Nikki free- and it's worth it. That will the her salvation. That is what she will take away from all of this, the think that keeps her warm at night- she did this for Nikki. Nikki is safe. That is her choice, and for Helen Stewart, that is enough.
Nikki.
She knows Helen isn't coming, but the questions resound in her head. Why not? Where is she? How could she?
The shock of the victory, of freedom, rings hollow throughout her body. All she can feel is betrayed. Alone. Foolish . Ashamed. After a few drinks she finds herself at Helen's house. Helen owes her more than this.
The house is empty . Helen is gone. She planned this. All along. Without even goodbye. She smashes her fist through a window , sharp pain momentarily brings relief, at the sight of own blood, she slumps to the floor. Her hand throbbing, heart breaking.
She knows she could have searched for her, might have even found her. But she was tired , so weary, chasing someone who didn't want her. So just like that, in the blink of an eye, Nikki Wade got her life back. And just like that in the blink of an eye, it was gone.
She hated herself, hated Helen, for the fact she was crying, pathetically sobbing, on today of all days. She reached into her pocket taking out the small package Trish had given her earlier. She pushed it away at first, but Trish thrust it forcefully into her hand
"To celebrate, you;ve earned it."
"You know I'm not into that scene" Nikki replied, but took the package.
Hours later, crying on Helen's floor, desperate for some relief, she opened it, staring at the white powder.
She wondered if anything Helen said or did had been genuine,? If Helen ever loved her? Respected her? Believed in her? If she would ever see Helen again? If Helen was thinking about her right in that moment? She had somehow more courage behind bars, to proclaim her love for Helen, put herself on the line, what had she to lose? All that was now shattered. She found she was just as cowardly as Helen. It seemed so ironic that the very day she gained her freedom was the day she had given up all hope. So ironic that she had never, not even once, inside the walls of Larkall touched any kind of drug. And the very day she is free sitting here with substance in her hands, longing to dull the pain, humiliation, anger, confusion, abandonment just for a little while.
She knows it is the first step in a downward spiral of self destruction. But Nikki wade took a deep breath, and Thought to herself, what the hell.
Helen.
He forces her to make the phone call herself. Forces her to bring about her own destruction, the downfall of everything she worked for, everything she believed in. But it was all meaningless compared to the person she loved with all her heart. The person who showed her what love was, what courage was.
He is waiting, watching, wanting her to do it. And so she picks up the phone.
"You're really going to do it?" He smirks
She doesn't answer him, he reads it in her eyes. Yes, She is really going to do it.
"It will mean jail time you know." He taunts.
"I know."
"Do you know what they do someone like you in jail, love?"
He is trying to frighten her, to crack her, so he can tell her she just as self serving and cowardly as he. But as he stands before her, it's not the prospect of jail that frightens her. He frightens her. How could jail be worse than him, than this? The thought of Nikki locked up for another 10 years, wasting away, hope fading that bright spark in her eyes, the woman she loved dying right before her eyes a little each day, that frightens her.
It would mean another 5 years on top of Nikki's original sentence. She would get maybe two years in jail, lose her job, her dreams, her hopes for reforming the system. But that meant little in the grand scheme of things. She tells herself if Nikki could survive those years in prison, so could she. She would find the courage like Nikki did. The integrity. She tells herself it won't be so bad. But there is still fear, sickening terror, because she never imagined her life on the other side of the bars. But even more terrifying, is the thought of Nikki paying the price.
She knows they will try to keep this quiet, it will be quite an embarrassment to the area management, a governor falling in love with prisoner, confidential documents stolen from the prison service, details of the case leaked to the lawyers. It was Helen who took those documents, not Nikki. She would take the wrap, it was only fair. Without those documents Nikki had no chance in court. She doesn't regret it. But she knows Nikki can never know. Nikki would never let her make that sacrifice, Nikki wouldn't think she could survive prison. But she would show Nikki what she was made of, she would become worthy, because she knows in her heart she isn't half the woman Nikki Wade is. Nikki can never find out the truth. The thought of Nikki seeing her like that, the thought of Nikki trying to take the blame, and getting herself sent back to prison was unbearable. So it would remain a vile, bitter secret, between herself and Fenner.
He is bewildered for a moment, as he tries to comprehend that she is willing to take the fall, to go to jail, to spare Nikki wade. Self preservation is not her highest priority, he understand little of this. He can't relate at all, and yet he can still predict what it is she is going to do, before she herself is even certain of it. It would be little victory for him if she chooses to save herself her career and sacrifice Nikki. But she was never going to make that choice.
Still he taunts her again .
"Save yourself Helen."
He is laughing. Thinking she is inferior, crazy, but he is grateful, because it means he has won. He is laughing because he thinks she is a sentimental fool to choose to sacrifice herself for Nikki wade. .He is thinking to himself that it is worth letting Nikki Wade off the hook, seeing her gloating at her freedom, it is all worth it- to see Helen Stewart, Governor Helen Stewart, behind bars.