Break-Up
"Know any good jokes, puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn as the Joker entered their bedroom.
He stared at her. "Do I know any good jokes?" he repeated. "Yeah, I've got a million of them, being the goddamn Joker and all! What's the occasion?"
"Just thought Red might like a joke in her birthday card," said Harley, holding up the card she was writing to Poison Ivy. "Y'know, something to make her laugh on her special day."
"You're not getting older, you're just another year closer to dying?" suggested the Joker, chuckling. "That makes me laugh."
"I was thinking more a joke about plants or something," replied Harley. "Y'know Red loves her plants."
"Yep, a little too much if you ask me," retorted Joker.
"You can write that dying joke in it if you want though," continued Harley. "You are gonna sign it, right, puddin'?"
"Honestly, pooh, I think she'd prefer it if I didn't," he retorted. "You know Pammie and me have never really got along."
"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, this could be you showing her you wanna be friends at last," replied Harley. "Plus it'll be awkward if she opens the card with both of us at dinner and only one of us has signed it."
"Dinner?" he repeated. "When?"
"Tomorrow night, puddin', I told you weeks ago we were going out with Red and Harvey for her birthday. Kinda a double date thing."
"I don't remember agreeing to that," snapped Joker.
"I don't know if you were really listening, but you grunted, so I took that as a yes," replied Harley. "Anyway, I've told Red we'll be there, so we can't back out."
Joker groaned. "Do I have to come?" he demanded.
"Yes," snapped Harley. "And just try to be happy about it. Jesus, you'd think a man who bases his life on a clown persona would be a little more cheerful," she muttered.
The phone rang and Harley tossed the card at him. "Think of something nice to write," she snapped as she picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Harley? It's Ivy. Just wanted to check if we were still on for tomorrow night."
"Of course we are, Red! And me and Mr. J are really looking forward to it," replied Harley, ignoring the look of utter loathing Joker was giving her.
"Great. It'll just be the three of us now, but I just wanted to check that you were coming."
"Just the three of us?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "Why isn't Harvey coming?"
"Oh, we broke up," replied Ivy, casually.
"You broke up?!" screamed Harley, her face twisting in horror.
Joker chuckled. "You're not getting older, you're just another year closer to dying alone," he wrote in the card. "Love and kisses, J."
Harley snatched the card from him, glaring. "It's no big deal, Harley, really," said Ivy, sincerely. "We knew we didn't really work as a couple the first time around so it was only a matter of time. It was a nice little fling, but neither of us really expected it to last. I'm fine with it."
"Aw, Red, you put on such a brave face!" sighed Harley, standing up from the bed and dressing. "But I know what kinda agony you must be going through – I've been dumped before!"
"Several times, in fact," said Joker. "Think you would have got the hint, really."
She slapped him. "Hang on, Red, I'm just getting dressed and I'll be right over. With ice cream."
"No, really, Harley, you don't have to do that," said Ivy, hastily. "It's fine. It was kinda a mutual decision. I think we're both happier for it."
"Happier?" repeated Harley. "Happier on your own? Aw, gee, Red, you're not making sense! You're talking crazy – you must be hurting real bad! Hang in there – I'm on my way!"
"No, Harley, don't…"
But Harley hung up the phone. "Aw, she's just a mess, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley. "Poor thing's just torn to pieces! Imagine Harvey dumping her like that! Guys can be such jerks sometimes!"
"Aw, c'mon, pooh, show a little sympathy with Harvey," said Joker. "Pammie must be quite a handful. And no guy wants to play second fiddle to a bunch of weeds."
"I wouldn't be a very good friend if I showed sympathy to the guy who dumped her, would I?" demanded Harley. "Nope, as far as I'm concerned, Mr. J, he's a complete bastard and Red's better off without him."
"I'm sure that'll make her feel real good knowing she's dated a complete bastard twice," he replied. "How is that meant to be comforting in any way? The man you put your faith in twice was a horrible choice – reflects worse on her than on him, really, doesn't it?"
"Hey, if everyone judged women by the guys they dated, people would think I'm a pathetic, dependent, dumb blonde floozy with no self-respect," retorted Harley.
He stared at her. "While the reality would be…?"
"Shut up, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, I'm just doing what women are supposed to do in these situations! Tell the gal she's too good for the guy, and that he's a jerk, and she's better off without him, and she'll find someone better soon."
"So lie to her, basically," retorted Joker.
"You don't know it's a lie," she said.
He shrugged. "It's her birthday tomorrow. Statistics prove the older you get, the harder it is to find a partner. Maybe I should write that in her card…" he said, reaching for it.
Harley snatched it away. "I can't believe you, Mr. J!" she snapped. "Show a little compassion for Red! You know how upset I am when you break up with me? She must be suffering at least as much as I do! She must be looking at her future through a dark tunnel without any spark of joy or light or happiness on the horizon! She must be seeing only pain and misery and loneliness, and her little heart must just be shattered into a million pieces and tearing up her ribcage! She must feel despair weighing her down so she can't even move or breathe or think! She must be going out of her mind from the pain! And I ain't gonna let my best friend suffer that if there's anything I can do to help!"
She stormed from the room and headed into the kitchen, Joker following her. She opened the freezer and pulled out the tub of ice cream. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing with that?" he demanded.
"Taking it to Red's," retorted Harley. "Ice cream always helps in these situations."
"You ain't taking my ice cream over there!" he snapped. "What if I want some?"
"Red needs some," replied Harley. "And I'll buy you some more tomorrow."
"What if I want some tonight?" he retorted.
"Do you?" demanded Harley.
"Yeah," he snapped. "The whole tub, in fact. So just give it to me!"
He tried to grab it from her, but Harley held on tightly. "Mr. J, Red needs this!" she exclaimed. "She's in pain! Try not to be so selfish for once and think about her!"
"Don't call me selfish, you dumb blonde!" he shouted, grabbing the tub from her. She kicked him in the shins and he dropped it, and she snatched it up again. He made another grab for it but she kicked him again, so he struck her in the head. The following fight broke most of the furniture and appliances in the kitchen, until Harley got the upper hand by knocking him to the ground and holding the meat cleaver against his throat.
"Now listen to me, clown!" she hissed. "This ice cream is coming with me to make Red feel better! And you're gonna go be a good friend to Harvey and see that he's all right!"
"What?" demanded Joker. "I thought you said he was a bastard!"
"I said I had to say that, because that's what female friends of girls who get dumped say!" retorted Harley. "But I ain't got nothing against Harvey personally, and I want to make sure he's ok too!"
"Well, I don't wanna waste my night talking to a bi-polar guy about Pammie's plant fetish!" he snapped.
"Would you rather do that, or spend it in the emergency room?!" shouted Harley, pressing the meat cleaver down.
"Oh, c'mon, Harl, at least give me the choice of dying!" he snapped. "That would be preferable to both! But fine, Harvey it is."
Harley nodded and released him, helping him to his feet. "Thanks, puddin', you're a sweet guy," she whispered, kissing him. "See you later!"
"Where Harvey's ice cream?" demanded Joker.
Harley looked around and then picked up a bottle of scotch, handing it to Joker. "There you go. You two have a good night now. I'll see you when I get back. Love you, puddin'!"
She kissed him again and skipped out of the room with the ice cream. Joker looked around at the surrounding destruction and suddenly chuckled. "Aw, she's a good kid!" he laughed. "Nothing like a little random violence to cheer you up! Wonder if it would do the trick for Harvey. Maybe cure his little heartbreak over Pammie if I break his skull! Ah, dames!" he sighed as he strode from the room. "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em…"