Bandaids can't fix bullet holes. You say sorry just for show. If you live like that you live with ghosts.
"I don't want it to change anything"
That's what you said. That's what you told me, the night you decided blow my world apart. The thing is it did, it changed everything. It was like I'd just been shot. Not that I'd ever been shot. Would you of told me if it hadn't been for Rob blackmailing you?
I mean what do I call you now? Johnny? Uncle Johnny? Dad? Doesn't really seem right calling you that after all you've never actually been a dad to me. You say you've been there for me, you looked out for me. Gave my mother money every now and again. Money that she always ended up spending on drink.
But the truth is you haven't, you watched from afar. You watched while I was being dragged up, because I didn't have a childhood. Not really.
Locking me in a static caravan with my brother and drunken, abusive mother, if only you'd known what goes on behind closed doors. She'd say it was an accident, that she didn't mean it and it would never happen again. Silly Carla always walking in to things or falling down the stairs, that's what she'd say.
But it would happen again. I knew it would
Usually when she'd had to much to drink, what am I saying she'd always had to much to drink. Maybe that's why I do it, I drink to take the pain away. The pain I'd never have had to go through if only you'd paid some attention.
Would you of wanted to help me, to protect me? Would you of saved me? I could of had a better life if only you'd been there, my life could of been so different. You waited forty years to tell me, but I wish you hadn't told me anything now. I could of lived with not knowing, but now the pain is back. And I have to find a way to deal with that.
Although I have Nick. Nick, is my band-aid, he's my band-aid on a gunshot wound, but when your world has been torn apart as many times as mine has and the hole that's left is as big as mine is, sometimes that band-aid stretches, and when it stretches it becomes torn, because it's trying to stop your wound from opening further and the more it stretches the less chance it has of healing you.
I don't want to let Nick go, I don't want to hurt him. But I think maybe it's time for that band-aid to be torn off and for me to go it alone. I always thought he'd be the one to save me, but the reality is I am the only who can save me.