Tell Me You Love Me
"MILEY RAY STEWART!"
I silently count to three to myself before the banging on my door begins, just like I knew it would. I take my own time opening the door for my mom.
"Yes?"
"Get ready, we have to be at the doctors in less than an hour."
"Fine."
My mom leaves and I stride over to my closet where I analyze my clothes, trying to come up with something to wear. Finally, I give up, settling on an old pair of ripped denims and a blue t-shirt that has a picture of my favourite band. I don't feel like "dressing up" or whatever. Going to the doctor's for chemotherapy isn't exactly a party or anything, so who cares?
That's right, I have cancer. And my mom uses that as an excuse to completely control my life. Every single thing I do, or want to do has to be analyzed and approved of by her. And most of the time, she doesn't let me do it, insisting that it is what is best for me.
What she doesn't realize is that I may have cancer, but I'm still a sixteen year old girl with regular sixteen year old girl dreams of having fun, going to parties, falling in love, eating what I want... Not that I am able to do any of those things because half of my life I spend on that dreary old bed with my sick self.
"MILEY!"
"COMING!"
On our drive to the doctors, I look outside the window. The thing about having a disease that you know could cause your death soon is that it makes you appreciate the small things in life that you took for granted before; like the wind blowing in your face, or the way the air smells when you're near the beach.
The session goes as usual, and by the time we're done I can barely stand up. This is what I hate so much about chemotherapy. It's supposed to cure your disease and make you well, but really all it does is make you weaker. It even makes your hair fall out; mine have already fallen out (but I am too embarrassed to go out bald, so I wear a wig).
My mom seats me in one of those bright orange hospital waiting chairs, wrapped in my blanket while she disappears back into the office to discuss something with the doctor.
I clutch tightly to the necklace hanging around my neck that holds my purity ring, and suddenly it comes off, much to my surprise, falling to the ground. I attempt to lean down to pick it; but I couldn't.
I look around, my eyes scanning for someone that I could ask for help. But before I could, a boy who looks about the same age as me kneels down, picking it up for me.
"Thanks." I manage to say as hands it back to me.
He smiles, and I can't help but notice that his eyes are the softest shade of brown and they twinkle when he smiles.
And just like that, he's gone.
I go back to school the week after when my mom decides that I was strong enough to handle it.
I am exhausted by the time lunch arrives, although I am immensely excited to see my friends again. We settle at an empty table, them with their lunch trays and me with my brown lunch bag my mom's packed for me (one whole grain bread chicken sandwich, low-fat milk, and an apple).
Instantly, I feel a hundred times better while I chat with my friends as we eat our food. I look up casually and gazes flickers around the cafeteria.
My eyes widen at the sight greeting me from the opposite table. It's that boy from the hospital! He looks at me; I realize I'm staring at him and I feel the heat crawl up to my cheeks.
"Who's that guy?" I ask my friends.
"Him?" Alex, one of my best friends, turns to look at him with a smile, "He's new here. We don't know his name or anything about him, but we all decided that he is absolutely gorgeous. Word is he's from New Jersey."
"Oh."
"Why? Would you be interested?" She nudges me playfully with a teasing smile.
"Wouldn't matter. I'm not allowed remember?"
"Everybody's "allowed" to love, Miley. No one can say you can't; not even your mom."
"I haven't even met this guy yet, don't start making wedding plans already."
It's the end of the day and I'm walking out the front doors of school with my friends.
"Hey!"
I turn around to find the boy-from-the-hospital, as we (I told my friends the story and they decided that it could only be true love, which had me rolling my eyes) have named him for now. "Wait up." My friends give me that look, giggling as they walk away, leaving me alone with him in the empty hallway.
I raise my eyebrows in question once he's beside me.
"You left this in class." He says, handing me my beloved journal.
"Oh My God! Thank you so much," I exclaim and look at his smiling face. "You've helped me twice," I say, "And I still don't know your name."
He grins, "I'm Nick."
"Miley."
"So," exclaimed Lucy on conference on the phone that night with a bunch of my friends, "Tell us all the dirty details!"
I roll my eyes, "There is nothing to tell. I left my journal in class and he brought it to me."
"But why, why should he care?"
"I don't know, Luce, maybe he's just a nice person in general."
The conversation goes on from there, until my mom decides to suck th fun out of everything and calls up to me that it was time for me to go to bed. And despite everything I'd denied to my friends, I have to admit that as I lay in bed, fifteen minutes in the darkened room, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him.
A week from then, all everybody's talking about in school is the homecoming dance. It's the only thing even my friends keep talking about, but I could care less, I mean, I've never bothered with dances and stuff anyways, it's just not my thing.
That is, until he asked me.
"What, did you find another book or chain of mine?" I say to him teasingly another day when he tracks me down again.
"No," he says with an easy grin, "I was wondering if you would go to the dance with me?"
I was caught completely by surprise, and it took me a full two minutes before I answered. "Sure."
"Great." And he flashes me that smile before dashing off again.
My friends decide that I absolutely need to get a new dress after raiding my closet and begged me to come shopping with them when they went for their own. I finally gave in, agreeing that I would go.
"Where are you going?"
I turn around, door half opened, to find my mom standing there with her hands on her hip. That's right, I forgot to confirm with the one who controls my life.
"I'm going to the mall with my friends, we're shopping for dresses for the dance this Friday."
"And who said you could go to this dance?"
"It's my life, mom."
"Well, too bad, cause you're not going."
"What? You can't do that!"
"I am your mother, and I sure as hell-"
"Mom, just let her go." Comes my sister's voice and I look at her gratefully, "She should be able to have fun too."
"But, Britt-"
"She'll be fine. She can take care of herself, she's not a little girl anymore."
My mom sighs in defeat, "Fine."
By the time I got home that night, I had my hands full with bags. I had new a new dress, shoes, make-up, jewelry, and even a wig. I tried it all on once I was up in my room and paraded around my room as if I was on the catwalk. I dreamed about the night of the dance, and for the first time in a very long time, I was looking forward to something.
Friday finally arrived and so did Nick, at sharp seven-thirty. He looked fine in a tuxedo and I laughed when we both looked at our feet at the same time to realize we were both wearing sneakers (I ditched the heels, didn't feel like myself wearing them).
"Be careful, Miley!" My mom called out to me as we drove away.
I had the most dreamiest night at the dance that night. Everything just seemed to go absolutely perfectly. I had a totally rad time with my friends and Nick. He fit so naturally in our "gang" that it was almost as if he had been here for years, and not just a day.
"You know," I say suddenly, breaking the silence as we swayed to a slow song later that night, "I haven't had this much fun in a really long time. It almost makes me feel normal..."
"What do you mean by that?"
I hesitated, but only for a second before answering, "I have cancer."
He didn't freak out, or badger me with questions; he simply brought my head to his chest and held me while we danced. It was magical, almost like it was a scene straight out of a fairy tale.
We drove back home in silence; his hand holding mine as we listened to the slow music filling the car.
"Well," he Nick began once he'd walked me to my door, "I guess I'll see you..."
I nod, grinning like an idiot.
He nods back, looking like he's unsure of something. Then he turns away and begins to walk away.
"Gray," I call out and he stops, turning back.
"Kiss me."
He laughs, at himself or me I'm not sure. But that is the last of my thoughts as he connects our lips and I gasp. His lips are warm and soft. I wrap my arms around his neck and his snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him, and in that moment I don't even care that someone may be spying on us through the window (which they probably are).
"So, how was it?" My sister asks as she walks into my room five minutes later.
"Amazing, Britt, amazing."
Months passed by and I went on with my life as usual, except now I had a boyfriend.
Nick is the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me. He is the best boyfriend ever. Her never asks too many question; he knows when I feel like talking and when I don't. He brings me chicken soup the days after my chemotherapy and holds my hair as I barf my stomach down the toilet.
Even my mom approves of me dating him (not exactly, but she doesn't hold me back, which is definitely a sign that she approves).
"Baby," I stroke the back of his hand as we lay together on his bed one night.
"Yeah, Miles?"
"Nothing, I just felt like hearing your voice."
He smiles down at me then shifts so he's on his side looking at me, "Can I tell you something?"
"What is it?"
"I love you."
Even though we've been together four months now and we both know that we love each other, this is the first time he's ever told me that. His words brings tears to my eyes. How did I get so lucky?
"I love you too, Nick."
He smiles again and my heart melts at the sight. Nick leans down and presses our lips together. The kiss starts to get hotter, until I push him off, unable to breathe (in a good way, though). His lips are immediately on my neck, assaulting the skin there, making my pulse quicken. My hands are running up his chest in an attempt to tell him how good he's making me feel.
"Miley," my name is more of a moan as he says it and it is extremely sexy when he says that in that husky voice. His breath is hitting the skin beneath my ear hot and it's getting me all bothered.
His lips trail down once again to my neck, where he sucks and bites on the skin, making me squirm beneath him, and then he attempts to soothe the bruise that I'm pretty sure is quite evidently visible right now.
He stops his attack on my skin, allowing a sigh to pass my lips. He come up again, staring me straight in the eyes. His hands go to my wig and I start to panic. I mean, it's pretty obvious to anybody that I would have lost my hair by now, but I had never actually let Nick see me without my wig.
My fingers wrap around his wrist and he pries them away, "It'll be Ok, sweetie. I love you."
I let him lift the wig off my head and wait for him to cry out in surprise or something. But he doesn't, and my heart almost burst with joy. I am so in love with this boy that I don't think it is even possible.
"You're so beautiful, Miley," he tells me and that's all it takes to have me burst into tears and sobbing into his shirt.
"I love you," I tell him as my tears stop falling, before I lean up and connect our lips without giving him so much of a chance to say it back.
Things start to get intense from there; the feeling of his lips against my skin is just nothing short of intoxicating and before I know it, we are both practically naked with only our underwear separating us from becoming one. Our lips our moving hungrily against one another's and I drag my hands up his chest, making him groan. The next minute, my hands are on the waistband of his boxers and suddenly, his fingers are wrapping around my wrist and he's breaking away from the kiss.
"What's wrong?" I ask and try desperately to hide the disappointment evident in my voice.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
My mind freezes over as I think about what I was just about to do, but when I speak again, my voice sounds confident, "Yes, I'm absolutely sure."
Nick smiles and I return the smile before our lips connect again and all thoughts of mine fly out the window.
I hand him my purity ring later as we lay together, just holding each other. "You should have this; it belongs to you now."
He takes it from and looks at it as if in fascination, and then he smiles, "I wish I could give you something that you could keep."
My hand goes to the behind of his neck and I pull him forward, pecking his lips, "How about I just keep you?"
"I guess that should work."
We laugh together and he brings his hands to my sides, lightly tickling my bare skin which has me crying in laughter in no time. I try to take "revenge" by tickling him back and all that tickling just leads to a full blown make-out session. Must have been like our hundredth one that night.
Once we settle down again, I slide my hand into his and look up at him, "Tell me you love me."
He smiles, kissing my forehead, "I love you." He then kisses my cheek, "I love you," my nose, "I love you," and my eyelids, "I love you." He pauses, looking at me for a few seconds before whispering again, "I love you," before pressing his lips down on mine.
The next day, I walk into my house in the morning with a lazy smile on my face. I'd slept over at Nick's and I slept better than I have in a really long time.
"Miley Stewart, where the hell have you been?"
I cringe. "Oh, hi mom."
"Where were you? I was worried sick you know; I was this close to calling the police!"
"Relax mom, I was just at Nick's."
"Well, you could have told me and I would have felt so much better. I didn't even get any sleep last night cause I was wondering where you were."
"If I had told you, you wouldn't have let me."
"Well, I- Miley... Where's your purity ring?"
Oh fuck. And just like that, all hell broke loose.
"Um..."
"Miley Ray, you didn't!"
"Mom, I..."
"I cannot believe you would do this, Miley! What the hell were you thinking, I-"
"I was thinking I love him, mom!"
"Bullshit!"
"I don't care if you don't believe me, I just- I know I love him and I know he loves me too. And I don't regret it one bit."
"You made a promise to God that you would-"
"You can't fucking decide my life. It's not like I was going to live until it's time for me to get married anyway!"
Slap!
She slapped me. And I did nothing but stand there, red-faced and anger surging through my body. And that was not all, I felt something new as well. Something I knew was just waiting to burst out. Hatred. For the first time in my life, I began to hate my mother.
"Don't you dare say stuff like that, we have all worked too hard for you to just give up like that. Everything we do around this house we do it to make sure you are fine, to make sure that you stay healthy. Everything we've given up, all that we've done... you cannot give up, Miley. Not now!"
"I didn't ask for you guys to do any of it! It's my life, I can live it myself!"
"That's it, you are grounded for the next two months. No more sleepovers, no more computer, no more cellphone, and no more Nick."
"Mom!"
"Not another word."
From then on, true to her word, my mom made sure that I stayed away from the phone, the computer and mostly that I stayed away from Nick. My life was an absolute drag... at least until the next Monday arrived and I could go to school (we had gotten a week off).
I had never been happier to step into the big white building that is our school than I was the next Monday morning. I set out to search for Nick, eager to see his smiling face and his outstretched arms waiting to hold me.
But no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find him anywhere. The seat next to me in English where he usually sat was empty as well.
"Have you guys seen Nick today?" I asked my friends as we sat in the cafeteria during lunch.
"No... Why, is something wrong?"
"No, it's just that he seems to be missing from school today."
"Relax. He's probably got a cold or a dentist appointment or something. I'm sure everything's fine. He'll be here tomorrow."
I nodded, telling myself that my friends were right. He probably had tried to call me but couldn't reach me. I try not to think about it for the rest of the day and focus on the fact that I would be able to see him tomorrow. The next morning, I took extra measures to look good.
But when I got to school, Nick was still nowhere to be seen. Neither was he the next day, or the day after...
I even tried calling him from Brittany's phone, which I'd sneaked into her room and taken when everyone was asleep one night. It went straight to voice mail. I'd tried a few more times before leaving him a message asking him to call me when he got it, but the call never came.
"Mom," I break the silence with a whisper during dinner one night, "I need to go see Nick."
"What?" My mom looks up in surprise.
"I said, I need to go see Nick."
Her eyebrows raise.
"Please, mom. I haven't seen him in almost two weeks. He's not been in school... I'm getting worried."
"I'm sorry, Miley, you are grounded. There is nothing I can do about it."
I pursed my lips, "Right."
I knew she wouldn't understand anyways, I hadn't expected her to. The past few weeks, my relationship with my mom has been getting rustier and rustier. She just doesn't get me, and it has reduced to us screaming at each other a couple times. Sometimes, I just feel like running away from home.
The next morning, I locked the door to my room on the inside, and sneak away, climbing down from my balcony. All I do these days is lock myself up in my room, so that wouldn't bring any suspicion.
I walked fast, excited and barely able to contain it. Upon reaching my destination, I knocked on the door.
The door opened. I smiled, "Hello, Mrs. Gray... Is Nick here?"
She didn't reply for a while, and when she did, it was almost a whisper, "Come in, sweetheart."
I flashed her another smile and walk behind her; she asks me to sit down and I do.
"Is he still not awake? I know how much of a sleepy head he is." I laugh.
She doesn't laugh along, and it panics me. "I'll be right back..." she says in the same quiet tone and leaves the room.
I play with a loose strand of thread on my shirt nervously while I wait for her to return. I look up at the sound of footsteps, eagerly, expecting to see Nick. But a tidal wave of disappointment crashes over me when I see it's just her. And she's holding something that looks like an envelope.
"This is for you." she says and hands it to me.
I take it unsurely and look at it. "Miley" it says in Nick's handwriting.
"Wha-?"
I realize she's no longer in the room and sigh. I rip open the envelope and pull out a peice of paper.
Dear Miley,
Hey. I knew you would come.
You should know something but before you do, I need to apologize in advance for keeping it from you.
I have cancer too. It's not that I didn't want you to know. I didn't tell anybody. People in my old school treated me differently when they found out I had cancer, and I guess I wanted to live a "normal" life for at least as long as I could, because my doctor had already marked me time for my survival. Miraculously, I survived three months more than he had predicted, considering the fact that we'd stopped treatment.
When I moved here, I was looking for nothing but a normal life with normal friends and normal school.
But thanks to you, I found love as well. I had heard rumours around school that you were diagnosed by the same deadly disease that I was as well, and I remembered seeing you at the hospital. But that was not what drew me to you. Maybe it was the way your eyes sparkle, or the way you blushed when I caught you looking at me that day in the cafeteria, or maybe it was that smile of yours.
Or maybe it was all of them.
I wanted to know you, and to hold you and to love you... and I couldn't be happier that I got to do all of them. The four months I spent with you, Miley, were the happiest times of my life.
When you told me you did have cancer that night at the dance, that was the moment I knew I was in love with you. I wanted to tell you right then, but something held me back. I knew that if I did, our lives would be drained by the fact that I'm waiting for my death to arrive.
Even now as I sit in hospital room, my hand is twitching to just pick up the phone and call you, but I wouldn't know what to say. I wish I could hear your voice just one more time. I think you are the reason that I survived this long.
Miley Ray Stewart... I love you.
With love, Nick.
I stand up, not sure my legs are stable enough to hold me up. There are a thousand emotions and a thousand feelings running through my head. And surprisingly enough, no tears have passed yet.
I find Mrs. Gray sitting on the couch in the living room.
"Mrs. Gray..." I say cautiously, "Wh-where's Nick? Is he at the hospital or something?"
She shakes her head.
"Is he-"
"Gone."
An emotion that is so strong rips through my body. "No-no..." I back away as if she were trying to kill me and then start running. I run and and run and run, out of the house, out of the street... I run and I don't even know where I'm running.
I finally come to a halt in front of the cemetery. It was almost as if my legs had had a mind of their own. I walked in, searching in the countless amounts of rows for him, or what was left of him. When I found it, I fell to my knees, still not able to believe he was gone, that he had left me.
Then came the tears. And they didn't stop, until it the sun disappeared below the horizon and I was surrounded by drakness, now mentally and physically.
I stood up with shaky legs and begin to make my way out. I walk slowly and unaccustomedly back home. I open the door in haze, walking straight up to my room and shut the door, not stopping to even my mom's screeching yells that she is throwing my way.
She slams the door open. "Miley, what- where the hell have you been? I-"
I take the bunched up wad of paper and flick it across the bed where I laid. I didn't move a muscle as she read it, I couldn't move a muscle if I tried.
"Miles... I don't understand..."
"He's dead, mom! Gone! Poof! Are you happy now?"
"I-"
"Just- just leave me alone."
She leaves the room, but not without throwing me a worried glance before she does. And the tears start flowing again, it's like I have an endless supply in my eyes cause they never run out. There is a dull ache in my heart, but I just figure it must be the feeling of having my heart ripped out by the fact that the guy I love is gone. Suddenly, I sit up, coughing so bad that I have to run to the bathroom as I start to vomit blood.
When the vomiting and the bleeding stops, I drag myself back to bed and lie down. I forget all about my "visit to the bathroom" in the next few minutes as my thoughts jump back to earlier. Sometime later, my sister walks in and I feel her sit next to me.
"Mom told me what happened."
I look up, "He's gone, Britt, I'll never see him again. I miss him so goddamn much already that it hurts." I shut my eyelids tightly and a few more tears escape.
She lays my head down on her lap and strokes my hair, "Well, he's still right here, Miles. In your heart."
"No," I look up at her once more, "There are so many things we didn't get to do together, Britt. Now we'll never have our first anniversary, or-or get engaged, or have a big beautiful wedding, we'll never have kids, we'll never grow old together..." My voice was so shaken and I was sobbing and gasping so violently that not much of my words were coherent.
She didn't say anything and kept stroking my hair, I guess there was nothing much that she could say, really. She sat there with me for what felt like hours. My mom peeked in once or twice, but I refused to give her the time of the day.
Finally, at around midnight, I told Brittany it was alright for her to leave me. She asked me if I was sure and I said I was.
"Britt?" I called out as she was leaving.
"Yeah, Miles?" she turned around.
"Thanks for being there for me... I love you, big sis."
She smiled, hugging me tight, "I'm always here for you. I love you too, loser."
I laughed as she walked out the room, shutting the lights off.
About two minutes passed and I opened my eyes again when I felt light streaming into my room through the door.
"Miles, honey are you awake?"
It was my mom. I made a quick decision of if I would admit I was awake or pretended to be asleep.
"Yeah?" I finally said.
She came to sit beside me, and we just stayed there in the silence for the next two minutes or so.
"Miley... I just wanted to tell you that I'm-I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way... I just care about you so much and most of the time, I only do what I think is best for you. If I've made you unhappy in any way, I'm sorry."
"That's just it, mom. Why won't you let me live my life? Let me make at least some decisions? That's all I'm asking."
"I know, honey. I just- I love you so much."
I could feel the tears returning. I sat up, hugging her tight, "I know mom, I know. And I love you too."
She smiled when we let go. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I liked that boy."
I just squeezed my eyes shut, pulling my blanket closer around me and not sure what I must reply to that.
When my mom left, and I lay alone in the darkness, all I could see beneath my closed eyelids were Nick. My heart still skipped a beat when I thought about him and it skipped two beats when I thought about the fact that he is gone.
How am I going to live without him? How am I going to survive chemotherapy without him here to bring me chicken soup? How am I going to walk into school every morning knowing that I won't see him?
I wasn't sure I could; that must be why when I fell asleep that night, I never woke up again.
A/N: WOW. That. Was. LONG.
This is just an idea that popped into my head one night. I thought about making it like a really short story but it just felt more right to have it as a oneshot. And when I started to write, I just couldn't bring myself to stop and that resulted in a oneshot that is roughly around five thousand five hundred words. Wooh! And I have to admit, this idea came from "My Sister's Keeper". Love that movie, it made me cry like a baby.
I've had this on my computer now for almost a week. I was not sure I should post it, but then I got bored and started reading some of the reviews I'd gotten for some other stories, and I decided that I'd post it after all.
A terrible, terrible habit of mine is that I'm always too lazy to reply to your amazing reviews. So I've decided that from now on, I will reply to (or at least try to) every one your reviews (except, unless you don't have an account, of course). :)
Well, until next time!