If I Never Knew You
By: Anni Re
The metallic tap of the typewriter slowed to a standstill, and weary and shaking hands pulled the last crisp leaf from the typewriter with a chime and placed it on the tall thick stack on his desk. It was done; he was done. Christian sat back away from his machine and ran his fingers though his unkempt hair that hung about his face dropping them so his fingers passed though his brown beard. He placed his hands palms down on his desk staring at his typewriter noting that his hands were trembling in steady vibrations against the wood. His eyes slowly deliberately moved over to a spot beyond his right hand to a tumbler just above it with an inviting emerald green liquid swirling around within the thick glass. Christian reached for it like a blind man, his hand still slightly shaking, his fingers wrapping unsteadily around the glass. Christian brought it up to his lips and tossed it back, his eyes screwing shut as the absinthe ran down his throat.
Christina exhaled sharply when his breath returned to him his eyes wide as his chest pitched up and down like the rocking deck of a ship. Christian enjoyed the sensation of a deep draft of his drink, the overwhelming warmth that seeped into his belly, exploded, and permeated every limb with the extraordinary of not to feel anything. He leaned back in his chair, the ribbed wood supporting his back cradling the glass of absinthe against his chest. His dark eyes flicked over to the reams of paper that sat off to his side and with the hand that was not holding his glass he reached for it. He thumbed though the sheets his mind reading a line or two every now and again. He read about a woman of surpassing beauty and the world on nighttime pleasures which she ruled and was simultaneously enslaved to. He read about the man who would have her, the man who would love her, and that which would take her away. Christian read the bone shattering agony of the woman her love's last breath rattling out of her lungs and past her rosy lips for the last time. Christian screwed his eyes shut, his throat constricting on itself and he let out a soft whimper.
Tears spilled over the edge of his eyes. And he swallowed the rest of his glass. Christian leaned forward sharply in his chair slamming the glass on the table almost with enough time to crack it. With fierce fingers he grabbed the neck of the bottle and emptied its contents, some splashing over the rim onto the wood. During his haste to provide himself with more relief Christian saw with his frantic eye movements his large open window that lead out to behind the Lamoure sign that stretched across the apartment building. He stilled his eyes rooted onto the window his mind flashing back to all the memories behind the shield of their love. They had comforted each other in their darkest moments, they wrote the tribute to their love, he, and Satine.
"Come what may." Christian was amazed his vocal chords could muster up enough strength to speak. He released the bottle and stood up walking numbly in his alcoholic haze over to the window. "Come what may." Christian walked out the window and stood on the narrow ledge one hand supporting his glass the other curling its fingers around the crimson L. He looked down leaning away from the building contemplating the empty streets beneath him darkened by the waning night with its grey cobble stones and the stagnant water pooled within their cracks. His neglected voice grew raspy and whispered. "I will love you, until my dying day." Oh how easy it would be to fall, to let go and get everything he wanted. Why shouldn't he? He carried on; he didn't shoot himself with the expensive well-polished pistol he found in the middle of the midnight street the night she died backstage. He did all that she asked. He told their story, penned it for posterity not sparing any detail for the red haired angel from the underworld, Moulin Rouge. Why should he not reward himself?
Christian sipped slightly at his glass, his coherency of the world returning. His half empty glass of absinthe hanged on the edge of his fingers. He leaned forward slightly, his hand loosened.
"Christian."
Christian gasped softly his eyes angling up to the sky. Her voice was wispy and soft like her voice was carried on a soft breeze from a faraway land, like she was speaking through a veil. "Satine," he breathed.
Christian could almost hear her smile at him. But it was a sad smile one that is fringed with tears dripping from shining eyes as if she was happy that she still had his love, even in death, yet sad at what he was willing to do to prove it. He suddenly remembered that he was on a precipice leaning out over his suicide.
"Christian," Satine's omniscient voice breathily whispered out. She paused for a moment barely a moment for her calling to him had just barely died on the air before she began to sing to him.
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
Christian blinked once his mouth hanging open slightly at the unexpected gift of hearing her speak, hearing her sing again. It took all of his conscious will power not to let go of his attachment to the building. He leaned out far though, dangerously far his glass still in the hand that was not holding onto the building, his spine arching upwards towards the sky, continuing to sing to her.
If I never knew you
I'd have never had a clue
How at last I found it you
The missing part of me
In Christian's mind he knew Satine was flattered. He felt her delight flutter in his chest, of course it could have just been his drink doing somersaults in his stomach but he didn't care. Even if it meant his own madness Satine was singing to him a like a musician he clung to her song, her comfort she could give him.
In this world so full of fear
Full of raging lies
Christian closed his eyes and in his memory he saw her more clearly; her laughing eyes, her coy smile lighting up her heart shaped face. He smiled a little, loosening his grip on his hold to life.
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
Satine gently interrupted him.
So dry your eyes
Christian realized that through his closed his eyes spilled a small stream of tears catching on his long dark lashes and pooling in the purpled shadows below his lids. With the hand that held his glass he swept the water away from his eyes and opened them. Weakly he toasted Satine's presence but not drinking. He was too tired to drink, he was too tired to do anything except stand there on the edge and listen to Satine's voice.
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life though
Lost forever
If I never knew you
Christian's face twisted at her words both from the compliment he believed he should not receive, and also the fact that Satine referred to her life in the past tense, erasing any chance of the wrongs he had done unto her in the last hours of her life, of replacing them tenfold with happy memories. He cried out in anguish more than he sang to her tears replacing the ones he had just wiped away.
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
Satine acknowledged his sorrow and added to it with her own, her words making Christian linger on the faces and actions of The Duke and Harold Ziddler. The corners of his lips turned down in a frown as he recollected what they had done to them to stoke their own efforts.
I never knew that fear and hate could me so strong
Or mislead us with the whispers in the night
She paused but again for a brief almost nonexistent moment.
But still my heart is saying we were right.
Christian felt his breath catch and his heart stop. Even after all she had been though, all they had been through, Satine would still wish it no other way. In a way Christian could see that. The tragedy of their love made it more beautiful, their trials only made them reaffirm their love making it all the more stronger. If life had given them this small blessing of their small amount of time they could have very well squandered it not knowing their limit, like they squandered it in those spare secret moments instead of pledging time and again their undying love if they'd had known its fast approaching end. Christian breathed deep the air expanding his ribs. It was true; if they didn't fight for her, fight for each other he would have had no idea how much she'd meant to him, like he had never known her at all. Christian let out the breath he was holding in song joining with the joyfully sad melody of Satine.
For if I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I'd have had no inkling of
How precious life can be
Christian felt Satine leaving him, falling back into wherever she had come from, for she had given him what comfort she could give him. Christian let go of the glass that held is pain and held onto his love. With his free hand he blew a kiss towards the sky and sang softly to the receding presence.
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Christian felt Satine smile at him.
Empty as the sky
At the edge of the dark horizon came the herald of the dawn. Christian felt the warmth rush onto his face filling him life.
Never knowing why
Satine withdrew into the heavens and Christian withdrew into his apartment yet still he looked at the faint twinkling of the stars until the rays of the sun eclipsed them. Both of them whispered softly reverently their last words to each other.
Lost forever
If I never knew you
The glass fell through the lightening air and shattered on the cobble stone streets below.
Finis