The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
Kate knew she couldn't do it anymore. Ever since Castle had come back in the fall after spending the summer with Gina in the Hamptons, she had tried everything she could to deny it, the pain she had suffered watching him walk away with nothing more than a promise to be back in the fall. A promise she had wondered, as the days went by, if he would even keep. Promises didn't seem to be something men kept very well, men like Castle least of all.
But he had come back, although not in the way either of them had expected. It had warmed her heart how Esposito, Ryan and the Captain had all supported her. It didn't escape her notice that their hostility towards Castle ended when hers did. Not that she'd ever mention it, to anyone. Least of all to Castle.
Kate had been willing to admit her feelings to Castle that day he'd left with Gina. It had scared her, afterwards, how vulnerable she had almost been. She had pushed away any feelings she had for Castle from her mind, or had at least made a valiant attempt. When Josh had come along, as driven in his career as she was in hers, he had made the perfect distraction. He made being without Castle easier to bare. Not that Josh had driven Castle from her mind, far from it. But he made it easier to deny how much she missed him.
It was when Natalie Rhodes came along that denial started becoming more difficult. It hadn't surprised her that Castle had missed the significance of the woman taking her coffee. What had surprised her was how much the act had bothered her, how it had felt like the other woman was worming her way into her relationship with Castle. But to explain that to Castle...no.
And then there was the kiss. Kate didn't know it was possible for a kiss to make a person feel like that. Even that first brief brush of lips had impacted her, physically and emotionally, more than anything ever had with anyone else. Although she had used the excuse of being undercover to kiss him again, so that the guard wouldn't suspect, she wasn't quite sure she could have kept herself from that second kiss even if the threat had no longer remained.
Then came the time when she and Castle were trapped in the freezer. She must not have gotten the words out, but she knew she was going to tell him then. Her memories of those last few minutes before she had lost consciousness were fuzzy; she remembered more what she felt than what she said.
Only hours later, when she and Castle had stood together in front of the bomb, in those last few seconds before he had yanked the wires, she had almost told him again. But at 3 seconds, there was no way she could fully express her heart. So she had just looked at him with her heart in her eyes, hoping that he could read there what she didn't have time to say.
Then, back at the precinct, Josh had shown up. It had taken every bit of self-control she had to not rip herself out of his arms and go running after Castle. That self-control hadn't been strong enough, though, to keep her from watching as Castle walked away.
She had said that she and Josh had a chance, when he didn't go to Haiti. But did she really want a relationship like that, one where she was asking the man she was with to not follow his heart? And that's where Josh's heart was, with helping the least fortunate with his hard-earned skill. She couldn't fault him for that. It was one of the things that drew her to him in the first place.
Kate had still tried. In the few weeks since, she had stayed with Josh, trying to convince herself he was what she wanted. But why was Josh what she thought she wanted? After all, it was Castle she missed when she didn't see him. Josh could be gone for weeks and she would hardly notice. If Castle was gone for even a day, she noticed.
Like today. He had decided to spend the day with Alexis, since he had been so busy lately with his writing and helping her on cases. It had been the first workday since the almost-bombing that he hadn't been at the precinct.
Kate knew what she needed to do. She had to let Josh go. The prospect was terrifying. Not because she would suffer from a broken heart. Sadly, far from it. No, the terror she felt was because in leaving Josh, she would be removing her excuse to keep denying her feelings for Castle. And although she knew it was the right thing to do, knew that her heart would no longer allow her to do anything else, the fear was nearly paralyzing.
What if everyone was wrong? Esposito, Lanie, even Jordan Shaw all seemed to think Castle cared for her as she, Kate, cared for him. But what if he didn't? What if he just cared for her as a friend, a best friend maybe, but still, a friend? But if that was the case, why did he flirt with her like he did? But then, he flirted with women all the time, so did it really mean anything? What if he really...?
ENOUGH!
The doubts, questions, and fears had all tumbled around in her head incessantly for days. The only way she was ever going to really know the answers was to get them from Castle himself.
The anxiety that hit her at the thought made it difficult to breathe. Could she really do it? Lay her heart on the line, risking that he wouldn't shatter it into a million pieces?
She had to. Because what if she waited too long again? What if he found someone else? She couldn't take watching him walk away again. She just couldn't.
It had been surprisingly easy to break things off with Josh. Granted, he had been hurt and confused, but knowing that it was the right thing to do, that she was sparing them both more pain in the long run, had made it much easier.
So now here she stood, at a quarter to midnight, right outside of Castle's apartment. Taking a deep fortifying breath, Kate knocked on the door.
"Beckett," Castle's surprised greeting came a moment later as he stood with the door open wide.
"Castle, can we talk?" Kate asked.
Looking slightly puzzled, Castle agreed with a soft, "Sure," and stepped back to let her inside.
"Where are Alexis and Martha?" Kate inquired, noting that there was no one else in sight. Thank goodness.
"After Alexis and I got back they decided to go to the Hamptons, since it's a long weekend."
"Ah," was all Kate could think to say. "I hope I'm not keeping you from anything." And hope you don't realize that I'm fishing, trying to find out if, once again, I'm too late.
"Nah," Castle replied. "I was just doing some editing. One of those tedious parts of being a writer."
After a moment of silence passed, Castle asked, "So, what's up?"
You can do this, Kate, Kate reminded herself.
"I know I can be hard to get to know," she started, not even realizing that she was repeating what she had said when she had first decided to share her feelings, "and that I don't always say what's on my mind..."
"I'm getting a feeling of de ja vu, here," Castle joked with a smile.
"Castle," Kate said warningly. She could feel her self control slipping. If she didn't tell him soon, she'd have tears streaming down her face while she got it out, she just knew it.
"Sorry," Castle said sincerely. He looked at her with that piercing gaze that she knew meant he was reading her. "There's something wrong. Really wrong," he realized aloud.
"This isn't going to be easy for me to say," Kate admitted. "So I'll just say it. I..."
The familiar ring of her cell phone cut her off before she could get it all out. A growl of frustration escaped. Couldn't she have had just one more minute?
So was it all going to happen again? She would be distracted, and then, by the time they would next have this chance, she would have chickened out. Again.
No, she couldn't let that happen. Not allowing herself to second-guess her decision, Kate gathered the front of Castle's shirt and yanked him to her. In the next instant, her lips were on his. Knowing that she needed to answer the phone and that if she wasn't extremely careful she would get lost in the sensations flooding her, she kept the kiss achingly brief. Hopefully it would be enough to make Castle wonder, since she didn't have the excuse of being undercover for doing something so out of character for her.
It was only on the fourth ring when Kate released him and backed away, answering her phone with a slightly breathless, "Beckett."
It was Esposito, as she'd known it would be. She forced herself into her detective mode and listened carefully as the other detective filled her in.
Closing her phone with a snap, Kate gave Castle the rundown on the victim.
"Kate?" Castle's tone was unusually hesitant.
"Later, Castle," Kate said in her no-nonsense detective voice. Which she then ruined by looking at him with pleading eyes and adding in an equally pleading voice, "Please? Just after we get the lowdown on this case."
"Okay," Castle agreed, and just like that, he was in his partner mode. "So, what we're looking at is..."
"What a night," Castle said a couple hours later as Kate pulled up to his apartment. They had met with Esposito and Ryan, who had listened with them as Lanie had explained what she had so far been able to surmise about the body. "We should probably get some sleep before we tackle this one. So I'll see you this afternoon?"
"Actually..." Kate knew there was no way she would be able to sleep, not without telling Castle everything. Holding it all in had just become too difficult. "Would you mind if I came in for a few minutes?"
Castle's expression went from relaxed to intense in a heartbeat. "Let's go," he said, using her common phrase.
Kate couldn't suppress a smile at that, even though most of the time when she said that was when they were going after suspects.
Once they were inside the apartment, Kate dove right in. "This isn't going to be easy for me to say," thankfully Castle didn't mention anything about de ja vu this time, "but do you remember how you once said that the heart wants what the heart wants?" At Castle's nod, she went on. "The thing is, even though I stayed with Josh much longer than I should have, I always knew he wasn't what my heart wanted. He was the one that was safe; the one I knew wouldn't break my heart, because I didn't have feelings for him strong enough for that to even be a possibility. I've tried to ignore it, deny it, make excuses to avoid it, but it's just gotten to the point where the longing of my heart became stronger than the fear of my heart being broken."
"And what does your heart want, Kate?" Castle asked, carefully monitoring every flicker of emotion.
"The only one my heart wants, Rick," Kate said, using his first name as she always did when she was feeling particularly emotional. She was unable to stop the tears that welled in her eyes as she whispered, "is you."
"Ah, Kate," Castle groaned, gathering her into his arms.
The feeling of his arms around her broke whatever control over her emotions Kate had left. The tears streamed down her face as she went on. "I love you, Rick. I have for a long time. I was going to tell you when you were going to the Hamptons for the Memorial Day weekend. But then Gina showed up." She shuddered at the remembered pain. "The pain of that terrified me. It gave me a glimpse of how devastated I would be to lose you. Which made me determined to never come close to being that vulnerable with you ever again. I'm not blaming you, you had no idea. It's just the way it was. Until the longing of my heart became stronger than the fear. I'm still terrified, but what scares me more than losing you later is losing you now."
"You could never lose me," Castle assured her. "I will ALWAYS be here for you. You said you were the "one and done" type...I want to be that one."