Read it, laugh, take a break. This will be a short story, so enjoy it while you can! I love Tali/Shepard stories, and I am a Talimancer myself, but I also really like Miranda stories, and there are some people out there who are so into Talimancing that they deserve a parody lol. DarkDanny, read it and destroy it!

R&R!

The Big Magic Controller

He was sitting down, looking with wide eyes at his television. There was no other game he would love more than this one. His life was it's, no doubt about that. And Tali, oh dear, he loved her, no, he worshipped her. He even had a fan club, of two members in total including himself, titled "Crusade for Talis on Earth."

Some people called him a loser, others called him an epic fail at life, others a wimp, but there is a specific phrase for him, which he wore with pride, in his shirt. Oh yes, you know what I am talking about. Indeed you are right? Oh so you don't know? I am surprised! Well, its title is "Ardent Talimancer."

He was an average student, a complete schmuck at sports, and an idiot with girls. For him, however, there was no girl like, oh yes, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy. He was urged by his parents to go to Church, but he had his own worshipping place. He would repeat the following words to people every time they asked him about his religion of choice: "Mass Effect is my Bible, Shepard my Prophet, Tali my sexy dream."

Boy, he was that of a fan. Now, however, we must take on his piece of sh- I mean precious life, when it changed completely, giving a 360 degree of a turn. When everything for this guy turned into a… Nightmare….

"Mom! Have you washed my Tali shirt? I need to wear it now!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he had his brand new, black and all awesome Xbox 360 controller, in his wimpy hands. He was sitting down on the sofa, ready to begin playing his favorite game of all time.

"Why do you need to wear it now? It's 8 o'clock! You are not going to a party right? Oh I forgot, you never go to parties." The mom, with her powerful sarcastic, deadly voice hurled into his good for nothing son, who shot a glare at her.

"I am barely sixteen; I can't go to parties until I'm twenty one!" He moved his hands up and down to show her his wimpy body, that of a sixteen year old.

"Gordon, you need to be twenty one to drink, not to go to parties." She rolled her eyes as she sighed.

"Oh whatever, have you washed my favorite shirt?"

"Why do you need that shirt right now?"

"Because I'm about to rescue Tali from Haelstrom… for the seventeenth time! This needs to be properly done" He smiled.

The mom just shook her head. 'Why? Why is my son acting like such a loser? God damn it!"

She had to suck it up, however, and smile at his son while taking three steps to give him that blasted shirt, which he wore not only at school, but also at family meetings, and the one party he was invited to.

"Thanks" He said as he went to change to the closest bathroom. He then hurried past his mom and sat his ass on the sofa to begin playing again. He then noticed his mom watching him as he descended into Haelstrom, in the game.

"Do you need something?" He asked her as he paused the game.

"What, you need some privacy or what?" She replied.

"Yes, I wanna play my game in peace."

"Why? You need privacy with your imaginary girlfriend? From the game?" She laughed hard as her last comment came out.

Gordon's face boiled with anger. "Bosh'tet! I wanna play so leave me alone… now" He growled.

"Fine whatever." With that, the mom left, clearly with a disappointed face. 'Is he learning Spanish now? Bosh'tet… Hmmm sounds like Spanish to me'

"Finally some peace" Gordon muttered as he started playing Mass Effect…. 2! Yeah two, dos, doce.

The game went smoothly, he rescued Tali, along with Reegar, and now he was in the Citadel buying goods for the crew. 'Oh shit, Gardener said something about a supply list!' Immediately, his Shepard made a "Forrest Gump" run for the stores when he saw a Quarian, dressed in yellow, talking to a human, in C-Sec uniform. 'The hell? Where's the Volus?' This was… unexpected.

Curious about this, Gordon made his Shepard run at the Quarian. Suddenly, the game froze. "You piece of crap! I was going to discover a new conversation and tell everyone at Mass Effect Wiki!" He yelled at his Xbox, which was making this horrible screech sound. "What the F?" He asked loudly.

"Gordon! Watch your language in this house!" His mother screamed all the way from her room.

"Shut up" he muttered as he approached his Xbox. In the blink of an eye, he saw a glow around the Xbox, probably… blue? Nah, it was violet? No! It was green… Ah whatever, the point is that the freaking Xbox was glowing! It's like a big WTF!

Okay, *ahem* lets continue with this sad… nah good story right? Oh well.

Gordon was shocked; his Xbox was glowing in a color he couldn't describe, sort of like a greenish yellow or something? Yeah it sort of fits a greenish color like the one of…. OH SHIT! 'Oh no, is this… is this… A Prothean Beacon? It can't be!'

His controller, which was being held by his right hand, was now vibrating violently, and it shocked him pretty bad. The controller then unleashed some kind of light, so strong his eyes couldn't see for sh- I mean couldn't see anything.

"Wow! What the hell is going on?" He shouted to no one. "Mom! Help me!" However, his mother was nowhere to be seen, probably asleep or shopping.

Gordon took a look at the television, which showed the frozen part of that Quarian talking to the Human in C-Sec uniform. Then it turned blank, making that annoying ass beep sound when the cable fails.

*beeeeeeep*

Air began to shake the house, along with this voice that shook the shit out of him.

"What's the secret of the grail?" it said.

"What?"

"Oh shit, ah who do you love the most from the game?"

"Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy!" He screamed as he felt a force of Epic Proportions trying to crush him to the ground.

"Password accepted" It said. The air stopped, the television turned off and the Xbox just stopped making weird sounds.

Gordon took a look around the room, afraid, shaken, and nervous. "Just what the hell happ-"

He didn't finish as this force took him by his feet, trying to absorb him. He screamed, begged and even kicked with all his might to be rid of the unknown and seemingly invisible aggressor. It was to no avail as he was sucked into his own television. He descended through a vortex, with what appeared to be every color known to men, everywhere.

He then heard that voice, which spoke to him before he got sucked. "Magic Xboxes my ass, this is the real shit"

"What the?" Gordon said out loud as he fell into the unknown…

Gordon suddenly landed on a trashcan, which smelled like crap. He was dizzy, tired, shaken and horrified. 'What happened?'

He got up and saw some games at a counter. 'Maybe I got lucky and landed at Gamestop' He thought to himself. He then started walking towards the counter.

As he approached the counter, an amphibian looking guy rose up, greeting Gordon with a smile. "Hello there human! May I interest you in some games?"

Gordon was shocked and his hands were shaking. 'A… a salarian?'

"Uh… nah bye!" Gordon made his stylish run for the nearest corner, where he stood, getting some air and analyzing the day's events. He then turned his head up, and as he made his tired body sit, he saw turians, volus, elcor and salarians walking by, along with humans.

"Okay" he muttered. "I am in the Mass Effect Universe, I'm broke and I don't even know how I got here"

His eyes then went wide. "Oh shit, maybe my Xbox was magic? Oh shit, what am I going to..." He then realized what had happened.

*FLASHBACK*

"Yes, this controller has magic, it belonged to a powerful man" The man said as he showed this gorgeous Xbox 306 black controller, just out of some museum drawer or something, as it was covered in dust.

"Who was that powerful man? A guy from Bioware?" Gordon asked.

"Ah, Smith, Smith Werben Jefferman Jensen III of Sudeteland" The man said, smiling.

"I never heard of him" Gordon replied, raising his eyebrow at the man.

"Of course you haven't you loser, now, are you going to buy it or not?"

"How much?"

"Thirty bucks, and I am being awesome here. Smith Werben ugh whatever was pretty famous and rich, so this price is super good"

"I am surprised he was rich, when you are a hobo, pretty loserish right?"

"You going to take it or not?" The man growled at Gordon. He was pretty much pissed.

"Fine" Gordon growled. The hobo smiled and shouted "More money for beer! Thanks chump!" He said as he ran to the nearest store.

"Chump?" Gordon asked to himself.

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

"Shit" That's all he could say as he looked at his hand, then to his shirt and finally his surroundings. Then he came to a realization, which made him smile.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" he laughed like a maniac. He smiled deviously.

"After all the laughs, all the SI fails at Fan Fiction and all the people making fun of me at school, I have the upper hand!" He screamed as he closed his right fist. "Yeah! Haters gotta hate!" He then closed both his fists at the same time and turned to the sky "No more Mary Sue bullshit, no who's the man here? Huh? Who's the man here assholes!" He screamed.

He laughed again until he saw Shepard and Tali walking by, going to a store with a salarian, which made him shut up. Smiling deviously he said "Oh Tali, now I will make you mine"

Love it? Hate it? Am I being an asshole to some of you? Give me your thoughts and share!

No Talimancers were hurt in this fic!

R&R