Disclaimer- I own nothing but this twisted excuse for a plot.
A/N- I apologize about Ed being oddly quick, but maybe he's fast like that XD shrug
"Nii-san!"
He tries to step away when I reach for his helmet. He's still not used to this body. I can tell by the way he collides against the wall behind him and falls clumsily to the floor.
"Look at what you did!" he protests, trying to hide his embarrassment. He's embarrassed he still can't control this body.
Well, the dimensions and weight of a human body are very different from that of a suit of armor. And even if a human wears a suit of armor, they're still aware of their own physical body and their individuality. The suit of armor is an instrument outside of the body that they have to control. His case is quite the opposite, actually.
Even though my arm and leg are auto mail I can't even begin to imagine what it must be to have a body so alien and strange. I can't imagine what it would be like to not get tired or hungry or feel any pain. What must it feel like to hold a hand and not feel its warmth?
It would certainly drive me insane (if I'm not already insane).
But that's not why I'm doing this. Even now, I'm being selfish. He's lost his body and still struggles to keep hold of his mind. I have a body, a functional one and I'm trying to lose my mind.
I know what I'm doing is horribly selfish and if he understood why exactly I was doing this, he would not only be angry but disappointed and heart-broken. If I claim to depend on Al, he depends on me even more.
He depends on me to keep his sanity intact. But what we're doing is beyond the reaches of sanity, of humanity. Alchemy is only a science; it has its laws and its boundaries. But still, knowledge is power, don't they say? And power corrupts.
While you have to give something of equal measure to receive something, one thing still leads to another. Just because equivalent trade exists, it doesn't erase the consequences or the relationship of cause and effect that follow.
It must be difficult to be Al, to survive in a body like that and come out with his sanity intact. But still, sometimes I can't help but also feel it must be easy to be Al. To him, if we follow the rules as long as we keep searching the answer will come to us. I don't know how to explain to him that answers are not that simple. I'm only a year older than him and he's always been by my side, but sometimes I feel I've been forced to grow up too soon to look after him and I've seen more than he has to teach me these things.
I don't resent Al, not even for a second. If I feel any remorse or resentment it's about what I've done. Couldn't I have at least found him something easier to handle?
We could've avoided the people pointing, people staring, people treating him with general mistrust or ridicule. It's not something just anyone could live with. I feel this sick sort of choking pride well up in me when Al deflects an insult or ignores a slight when it comes to how he looks.
At least after I'd recovered from the panic and the pain, I could've found another humanoid body to transfer him into. But I've been too scared to try something like that. I don't trust myself to handle Al carefully anymore. I don't trust my abilities. And I don't want to lose Al.
He's my only reason for being in this world.
"Calm down." I say patiently, in a voice that doesn't sound like mine anymore. Maybe I've been mulling over things too much. Maybe what I decided for myself is something I need to do. Maybe I do need to lose my mind a little.
"I'm not going to hurt you." I say reassuringly. Al stops fidgeting immediately.
"I know that." He said, drawing his knees up, like a child would. Except, now that he's a suit of armor it looks awkward and uncomfortable. If he can feel awkward or uncomfortable, that is.
"Its not that I don't trust you, nii-san," he says hesitantly, "I just… I don't…" he can't seem to find the words to explain what he's saying.
"If you're worried about what I'm about to do, you shouldn't be." I say cheerfully. "You won't feel a thing."
Only after I speak the words does it strike me that they're insensitive and stupid. Al sits stiller than ever and I can almost believe the suit of armor is empty. It makes my heart pound and my tongue dry and my stomach churn. Although I know Al's still here, just the thought of him not being here makes my eyes burn.
"I'm sorry-"
"No, nii-san." He reaches up with his own hands to pull his helmet off, or in his case, his head off. "You're right. I won't feel a thing and I do trust you, either way."
I almost change my mind, thinking this will be harder than Al than on me. I step forward and stroke Al's cheeks, but they're just a plate of metal bent in the general shape of a face. I look into the glowing sparks where his eyes ought to be and they seem to shine brighter.
"This might hurt a little…" I concede, trying to sound gentle. "But you should know I wouldn't do something like this unless it was absolutely necessary."
"I trust you, nii-san." He says simply, but the metal creaks and I can tell he's relaxed a little.
I find that I can't do it.
Instead, I pry his hands away from his face and pull myself into his arms. It's still metal; it's still hard and cold. I don't know what it feels like to him, but I want to ask him. And I'm sure asking him will only hurt him so I don't ask. I try to think of Al's warm, soft body, but I only recall the size and shape of a ten year old boy's body. I can't remember how his skin felt, how his breath sounded, how his hair felt, the pressure exerted when he hit me… all that's just gone. Why didn't I embrace him more when I had the chance?
Its true, that stuff they say, about not knowing what you've got until its gone.
"Nii-san?" he asks cautiously. "Are you asleep?"
I realize I've been quiet for a while now. "No, not really." I respond dully, still rather depressed.
I'm not selfish enough to hurt Al, I can't do it, even to help myself. What is absolution or oblivion anyway? What does a little insanity, a little panic do to help anyway? Is it like how people masturbate when they're alone in anticipation and desperation?
Am I preparing myself for something? Or have I already gone through it and am now addicted?
I feel some more fear creep into me. What if I've already lost my mind? Maybe I want to hurt Al because I'm already insane. Maybe this is me trying to drag Al down to the depths of insanity with me.
I really am selfish.
"I'm so sorry, Al." I say trying to fight tears but my voice quavers. "I'm so sorry about all this. It wasn't meant to turn out like this." The metal curving in the shape of a torso under my cheek is wet already. My tears run down in drops and wet the floor beneath us.
"Nii-san!" Al sounds surprised. Even his voice has a metallic twang to it. "It's not your fault that-"
"Of course it is!" I cry out, feeling despair sink its claws into me. I feel an almost physical, dull ache radiate through my chest. "They always warned us, they all told us it was forbidden. It's a sin because a human body may be worth nothing but a soul…" I try to clutch Al, but my fingers slip, clawing at the smooth, curving metal, "a- a soul is irreplaceable."
"We were still children. We had no way of knowing-"
"It doesn't absolve me of my crimes!" I cling harder to him, "It doesn't excuse what I've done. I just wish- I just wish I'd protected you from all this suffering. No matter how we look at this, you don't deserve to be suffering like this."
Al doesn't respond for a while. Then he says quietly, "I still think you're suffering more, nii-san."
"Shut up, Al." I say dryly, sniffing.
I can tell he's hurt by that. Something within me stirs again. That something that wants to hurt Al. And the best way to hurt Al is to hurt myself. Maybe insanity has its perks. If I kill myself and take Al with me… maybe we can forget all the horrible things we've gone through.
"I wonder what soul it was…" I say quietly, speculating almost absent-mindedly, "what soul could be worth your body and my leg?"
The metal under me creaks and I know Al's stiffened again.
"It doesn't fit. Were we worth so little?" I point out almost detachedly. "Was mother worth that much? Or were we just selfish? Maybe if we'd given more we could've brought her back."
"Nii-san!" Al protests, trying to push me off. "Stop it!"
"I wonder," I continue, ignoring him, "would you exchange me for mother?
This time he punches me and I land, sprawled on the floor. I hear myself laughing and I can feel the pain reverberating through my skull, making me dizzy. I can't stop laughing though, and I can feel blood trickling down my chin.
"What's the matter, Al?" I jeer from the floor. This voice, it's not mine. I couldn't do that to Al. "You already hate me enough."
Al retreats with a sob. He draws away from me, metal limbs creaking as they move, towards the wall. He lifts his hands up, as if to cover his ears and shakes his head. If he could produce tears, I'm sure they'd be running down his metal cheeks.
"You just have to draw that pattern, it's not like you can forget it," I say more calmly, but my blood still feels like it's raging, boiling over, and melting my insides. "I promise I won't even resist. Here," I lift some chalk lying around and toss it towards him, "you can even do it now."
The chalk hits his armor with an empty, hollow noise and falls to the floor.
"Please," he whispers between sobs, "enough. Please stop."
"But you'll be happier with mother around." I say and I sound genuinely puzzled. Whose voice is this? Who is this, saying these cruel, merciless things? "I'm the reason she's gone and you're stuck with this body. Why do you want me around?"
"Nii-san!" he cries, flinging himself at me. We land on the floor with a loud crash and I'm pinned under him. "Please, stop saying these things! You're the only one- the only one I have left in this whole world."
Al's sitting up, cradling me in his arms, and the suit of armor's shaking around me. He tries to bury his face in my neck but he can't bend that way. I was wrong. Al could feel pain, lots of it. It was probably all he felt and I'd just inflicted more. I didn't know how to comfort him. I just hugged back as hard as I could him and let him rock me along with him back and forth as his sobs subsided.
"I don't care about getting my body back for myself." he said very softly a long time later, "I just- I want it so that every time you look at me, you're not reminded of what… happened. I can see it in your eyes, how much you're hurt by it and how guilty you feel and I-" Al chokes over a sob, "I don't want to be causing… you…" he trails off sobbing, unable to complete it.
"But…" he says, struggling to regain his composure, "but I'm too selfish to disappear from your life to release you from this. And I'm too selfish to let you go either, nii-san. And that's why this journey is the only answer. I need us to live- for as long as we can."
No, I want to say, I'm the selfish one. But I can't find the words and settle for reaching around to pat him, though I don't know if he can feel it.
"Ah, sorry," he draws away, suddenly embarrassed again, "I must've been crushing you, nii-san. Are you alright?"
But instead, I reach up and pull Al's helmet off. He makes a noise of slight surprise, but he doesn't resist. I place his helmet in his hands and I climb up his shoulders, before I lower myself into his body, carefully avoiding the circular pattern binding Al to this suit of armor.
"Sorry, Al, this must feel weird," I say and my voice echoes strangely within the armor, "but deal with it for a bit."
"It's not really that weird." Al says almost cheerfully and his voice seems to come from everywhere. I undress slowly and carefully and toss my jacket and my shirt out. I shiver slightly, because it's a little cold even inside the armor.
"Nii-san, what are you-?" Al asks bewildered as I toss my underwear and my socks out. I don't reply. Instead, I flex my fingers once, and insert my hands through the arms. However, my arms aren't long enough and I have to lean forward until I'm pressed flat against the front of the armor. Through Al's fingers, through my fingers, I can feel the helmet. I hesitantly lift my arms and Al seems to understand what I want to do.
I feel the arms lift, almost as if they're moving on their own and he replaces the helmet over the shoulders.
"Nii-san what are you doing in there?" he asks uncertainly after a while. He pauses and then amends, "I mean, in here."
I remove my arms from Al's and turn around to face the circular pattern. When I lean closer, it still smells of blood, my blood. It's dried now so it looks like rust, brown and dirty. Carefully, I lay my palm over it and Al gasps.
"Can you feel that?" I ask.
"Yes." Al whispers.
"Does it hurt?" I ask guiltily, removing my hand. The pattern's still there complete. To be honest I'm still scared something will go wrong and I'll lose Al.
"No," Al says quietly, and he makes a small noise that I can't quite comprehend.
"What's the matter?" I ask. "Is it too uncomfortable?"
"No," Al says hurriedly, "I just- I like how this feels." He says sounding embarrassed, "I know I can't actually feel things but still sometimes knowing things triggers something…" he struggles with the words and says finally, "Knowing you're inside me, here, makes me feel content… no, happy."
"I'm sorry I said those things, Al." I say frowning, looking at my own hands even though I can't see them. I place them on my chest and let them trail down my stomach.
"I was just scared and I hurt you because I didn't know what else to do." I say, grasping myself with both my hands lightly, before letting go and trailing my hands down my legs. It's an odd feeling because on both sides its metal against skin.
"I understand." Al says in a small voice.
"Will you…" I gasp, reaching between my legs again and grasping myself, "ever be able to- forgive me?"
"I already have." Al whispers.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against him and move my fingers in broad strokes. I can sense that there is metal around me but it's so dark I almost feel like I'm in some sort of void, some non-place.
"I love you, Al, more than anyone else, more than anything else," I whisper and I know it sounds cheesy but I say it anyway. My fingers continue to move. I feel sharp quivers of stimulation, like little jolts of electricity traverse the length of my body.
I feel like I'm running headlong to the edge of a cliff and in a few seconds I'm going to throw myself off it. I'm never going to be able to come back. My breaths come out shorter, faster and harsher.
"I love you too, nii-san." Al says softly. He sounds very kind. He sounds like a little brother would sound. But the words he says make me feel almost impure. Make me feel like I'm committing another sin.
"No," I pant, leaning forward and my fingers are pumping up and down fast now, forcefully, almost painfully and I know I can't stop.
"I love you…" and I barely manage to get the words out because I'm choking and sobbing and I've fallen. And it's beautiful and terrible and exhilarating and frightening at the same time.
When I open my eyes, I realize my knees are shaking. I suddenly become intensely aware of how exhausted and drained and spent my body feels. I'm still quivering but it's not that horrible, quivering-at-the-edge quivering. I've fallen off that cliff now and I can't climb back.
Above and around -and it feels like inside- me, Al giggles.
"No, I love you, nii-san." He says and I can hear the smile in his voice. I want to punch him for ruining it.
But I can't explain it to him. I stare down at the mess I've made inside him and it's dripping slowly into his legs. I'm not sure he understood what I was doing in here. I'm not sure I understood what I'd just done in here. I mean, I knew what I'd done… but I couldn't explain why. What on earth had I been thinking?
I start to run my hands through my hair and when I realize they're still soiled, I grimace. It seems like selfishness comes naturally to me. I've done something horribly stupid and selfish again.
I do love Al, I love him a lot, but it's starting to feel like another sin.