Hello out there. This is my first attempt at a fic written in english, as I'm not a native speaker (I'm a Belgian french speaker). So don't be too hard on me ;)

Also: this OS ghosted around in my mind for more than three years. The idea: writing a plot where the song "Numb" by Linkin Park would be used to express Draco's feelings. Every underlined sentence is taken from the song's lyrics. So here you go. It certainly isn't the newest idea, I still hope that it will be worth your time ;)

I already want to thank you for all your remarks and comments.

Your Lirael

...

Numb

Hermione was hurrying to her potions class once more. It wasn't the first time that she forgot the time while studying in the library, but this time she was nearly 5 minutes late! In all this haste, it was no wonder that she tripped over her own feet and landed flat on her face, her books being thrown out of her bag and onto the floor.

Merlin's pants, she thought to herself, that bloody hurt!

Slowly, she got up on her knees and started to collect her books and parchments thrown all over the floor. When she put her Defence Against the Dark Arts manual back into her bag, a neatly folded piece of paper caught her attention. It stuck out from said manual and Hermione never put her notes into her books, preferring to write them into different muggle notepads, one for each class.

Although she knew that her tardiness only increased, she couldn't help her curiosity to gain the upper hand in her worried mind and unfolded the piece of paper. It was a letter. Well, sort of. It was more like the page of a diary, the author writing to an undefined someone. She knew the handwriting but couldn't quite place it. She retrieved the manual and turned to the book's first page, where every student wrote down his name and House. It read: Draco Lucius Malfoy, Slytherin House. It hit her like a bullet train: she switched books with Malfoy and probably had just begun to read a page of his diary, a page he tore off…

Putting her slightly dazed state into the back of her mind and willing herself to slow down her heartrate, she left for the dungeons and for her potions class. She would have to see if Malfoy already knew of their switched DADA manuals. If yes, she was in for a very nasty scene. If no, … she really wanted to read that diary excerpt to the end, damn her inquisitive mind.

I'm tired of being what you want me to beand still I don't know what you're expecting of me.
You put [me] under the pressure of walking in your shoes but every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Where are you when I'm feeling this numb? I'm becomingthis ghost of a man, but all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

And although you're not here to watch over my actions, I still feel as though you're watching me constantly: can't you see that you're smothering me, holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

And now I've become so numb, become so tired, so much more aware that all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

I'm numb and I'm afraid. I feel so much hatred and still want you to be proud of me, only once in your life. What should I do? Walk in your shoes or be more like me? This numbness renders me incapable of acting although I must act. To save me, to save you, to save mother, I must act and get out of this numbness.

I got lost and don't know my way out of it…

Hermione was on her bed, reading the excerpt a third time. Malfoy hadn't noticed the switch and so she was now trying to make sense of what her classmate and arch nemesis wrote in his struggle to understand himself and the world around him a bit better.

He was writing to his father, that bit was clear. She knew that Lucius Malfoy was currently rotting in Azkaban. A father that he abhorred by now and still loved and adored, because he wanted to prove himself to him. But this undertaking had to come from an outside… order? Apparently, the Malfoy family had to prove itself as much as Draco had to prove himself.

Merlin! Harry was right! Hermione just thought back to when Harry came back with a bleeding nose just at the beginning of this year. He said that he overheard Malfoy talking to his cronies about his new position, as it were. Feeling so much more adult through it. Now it was clear that this job, this order, Malfoy was performing out of need to protect his parents was slowly eating him up. From the inside out. And it wasn't too difficult to do the math: Draco Malfoy was a Death Eater and was currently carrying out a task ordered by Voldemort himself. And if he failed…

He must be so afraid! So much pressure on a 16-year-old. This psychopath! And just then, something clicked in Hermione's mind. Draco had no choice, just like Harry hadn't. All his life he was brought up to follow in the footsteps of his father, like he wrote. And now he discovered that he just couldn't do it, that he was different. And yet he had no choice…

But was this true? Did he truly have no choice? She had the written proof before her eyes that he was searching for a way out. What if she procured him with that way? Her resolution intensified when her eyes caught again that word: numb. He could be saved and Merlin knows, Hermione would put everything in her to do just that!

Hermione was sure that her plan would work. She had charmed her note to reveal itself only to Draco. And then she would have to wait. But something told her that he would come, if only because he was intrigued to know who knew about his doings. So, she just sat in front of a cosy fire that the Room of Requirement procured her with and did her homework while waiting.

Draco Malfoy was pacing in his room in the Slytherin dorms. He had found a note in his DADA manual that scared him out of his wits. Someone knew what he was doing! And though he first thought it would be one of his fellow Slytherins that just wanted to make him suffer, he thought things over one more time and expelled the thought. No, Slytherins were subtler. This note almost screamed Gryffindor. Was it Potter? No that couldn't be it. Potter was too dumb to get something straight. But who then? He read the note once again:

Malfoy,

I know what you are and what you were sent to do. Yet it seems to me that you're not that thrilled by the idea and are looking for a way out. I can give you that. Meet me in the Room of Requirement, tonight at 8, just after curfew.

G.

"G". One more argument for a Gryffindor. But, what if… His mystery man called him Malfoy, so it would be logical that he used his own surname to sign the note. "G"…

"Damn! It's Granger!" he cried out. Fortunately, none of his dormmates were present, otherwise he would have lost his face. The Granger girl: it was always her. She was partly responsible for his father's constant disappointment in him. She always got the highest grades, making him number two. Well, except in DADA. There they were both number two, number one being Potter. If she hadn't been a mudblood and thus a creature to loathe, if he didn't hate her so much for always being number one, he could almost be attracted to her. Almost…

Her hair still resembled a rat's nest! Come on Draco, that's not true! That little voice again. He'd begun to call it his conscience, his better side. Ok, so her hair had become way better. She must have learned some spells to tame it down. His thoughts now turned to her in fourth year, at the Yule Ball. Draco had been dumbfounded as he saw her. Not only was she going to the ball with none other than Viktor Krum, but she also was a sight to behold. Just as so many of his class and schoolmates Draco found out that very moment that Hermione Granger was actually very pretty.

He then made his choice: he would go and hear her out. If her offer was flawed, he would obliviate her and be done with it.

So it was at 8:05 that Draco Malfoy entered the Room of Requirement and saw Hermione Granger writing on a parchment, surrounded by several books. She didn't lift her eyes off her assignment while she simply gestured to one of the cosy sofas, hinting to Draco to have a seat. He did just that and was very impressed by his calmness in this situation: here he was, about to talk to the girl he most despised, to find out if she could actually help him out of his predicament.

She finally set down her quill and put her things back into her bag. Then she eventually lifted her eyes to look at him. Hazel and arctic grey met and for some time, no one spoke.

"Thank you for coming Draco", Hermione began. "You don't seem too surprised to see me. So I take it you figured out it was me that wrote you the note."

Draco fell back in his seat and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Of course it was you. As soon as I caught up on the 'G' I knew it was you. It's always been you, hasn't it?"

"I don't really understand what you mean by that, but be that as it may, I have a proposition for you."

She pulled out a folded piece of paper from the front pocket of her bag and gave it to him. Draco unfolded it and paled. She read his diary entry?! How was that even possible? He hid it in his DADA manual… where he also found her note.

"Did you switch our books?", he asked, still very calm.

Hermione was impressed: he was fast thinking. But then she always knew he wasn't dumb, just a tidbit arrogant and sure of himself. Which caused him to underestimate her again and again.

"Well, not on purpose." She felt a bit guilty now. She did read something very personal and private… "I noticed when I tripped and my books flew everywhere onto the floor. Your… page stuck out and so I couldn't help myself and read it."

Draco had a look at her: she was biting her under lip and looked a bit guilty. Good! But still, she knew! She knew everything! Even that all he said and did nowadays was a giant masquerade! He hid his face in his palms and after a few seconds began gently sobbing. Damn it, now he would have to obliviate her! Nobody saw Draco Malfoy crying! Suddenly he felt a weight beside him and then a hand rubbing up and down his back, trying to soothe him.

When his breathing slowed down and his sobs disappeared, he looked up to see her beautiful hazel eyes and sad smile.

"Why are you doing this?", he couldn't help but ask. Why was she so damn understanding?

"Because I don't like to see you like this Draco. I knew that something was up with you this year, because you weren't yourself. You're just a shell and… and…I know that you want out."

He couldn't deny that; he wrote it down himself. He should have just burned the page.

"So what do you propose?", he said.

"Talk to Dumbledore. I will come with you, as proof of your willingness. He just has to help you!"

"That's your plan? Go to the old fool? I am a Death Eater Hermione, he will try to get me to prison and then my parents will be killed."

"Not necessarily. From what I know, there once was another young man in your position and Dumbledore helped him."

"You mean Snape. But he's a Death Eater, he told me he would help me if I just let him. But I don't trust him, even though he is my godfather."

"Who said he's a Death Eater? Well a real one I mean. You were right not to trust him in a way."

"Do you want to say he isn't actually our spy but Dumbledore's? That's mad! Or he's playing both sides."

"He's not."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do."

Draco snickered:

"Yeah right, because the great Hermione Granger just knows such things, isn't it?"

Hermione lifted her hand from his back and put it in her lap. He hadn't noticed she still had it on his back, but now that the hand was gone, the place where it rested was cold.

"What I mean to say Draco is that you can help yourself. Give Dumbledore something and in return he will help you and your parents. Damn you're a Slytherin! I thought you knew how those things work."

"I'm not sure I can do what Snape does. Being a spy, a double one what's more, it's… risky. One has to be really good at hiding one's true emotions."

"I thought you were a Slytherin. You always find a way, even if it's through manipulation and innuendos. And at that, believe me Draco, you are good. I mean, come on. How many times did you catch us or had us brought to a teacher? You're sneaky and sly."

He looked at her with bewilderment: did she just compliment him by retelling some of his nasty trickery on them?

"Besides, I don't think that Dumbledore wants you to become a spy as well. I thought about some information you have about your dad and his implication with Voldemort, perhaps some things about your crazy aunt, too."

He looked at her: hands clasped together in her lap, head looking down, her hair hiding her face. Suddenly he felt himself move his hand and remove the hair on one side to tuck it behind her ear. Feeling his hand on her, she shivered and looked up. Again, her hazel brown eyes met his very blue ones and she knew that he would come with her. She took his hand and placed it in both of hers, sighing contentedly.

"What do you do to me?", Draco asked. She smiled shyly: "I could ask you the same."

Hermione's breathing fastened as she saw how the blond man in front of her was looking at her lips. Wait, would he really do it? She just finished thinking the sentence that he lowered his head to make contact with her lips. For a moment, she was paralysed: Draco Malfoy was kissing her! What the hell? Then she relaxed and just felt: her heart was racing and his lips felt so soft and warm on hers. It felt incredible. She turned a bit to facilitate the contact and kissed him back.

Draco was delirious: what the hell did he think by kissing her?! Was he so craving for a bit of affection that he had to get down to kissing the mudblood? But those thoughts disappeared really fast when she actually kissed him back. Suddenly, there were hands all over them, caressing and groping. And their kiss deepened when Draco found access to her mouth and took directly advantage of it. A small moan escaped her. He then left her lips to kiss his way down to her neck and positioning himself on her, while his weight brought her down on the sofa.

When his left hand found her breast, Hermione moaned again. Hearing this sound coming from her had the effect of a lightning bolt: holy shit! She was heavily snogging with Draco Malfoy and if she didn't stop them, she didn't know what could happen! Therefore, she struggled a bit to get her wits together and then tried to softly stop Draco:

"D…Draco, stop please. Wait, where is this going?" Draco's ragged breath caught her when he eventually ceased his administrations and looked her right in the eye:

"I have no idea", he truthfully told her, "but I don't think that I give a damn anymore."

She couldn't help but smile and brush a wonderful golden lock back. He smiled back and she thought that he was so handsome with a smile on his face. He got up and helped her to raise but kept her hand in his.

"Let us go to the headmaster immediately", he declared. "I think I saw something more worth of my thoughts than this task given to me by this dictator." Hermione blushed and Draco thought that she never had been more beautiful in his eyes.

And so they went to the office in the highest tower of Hogwarts to see the headmaster. And although Draco was a bit nervous about what the old man would demand, he knew that he just had found one more reason to quit with his old life.

He wasn't numb anymore, oh no. He never felt so alive and when he looked at her, he knew that he wasn't alone with his feelings.