Of Fear and Love and Honor
by Darlin
A/N – I wrote this in 2012 during Storms dark years at Marvel and wanted to maybe turn it into a longer story but never did so it remains a short one shot. A lot of my stories just sit because they're good enough for my enjoyment in their unfinished state and I actually go back and read them like I'm some besotted fan of my own stories which I guess most authors are when you think about it, our own worse critic too I think. At any rate, my goal for 2015 was to finish all the major stories I started and never finished, ASCW being one of them, but since I have so many stories and I had to write two different endings for ASCW and unfortunately lost both, and I've had a lot of RL things going on, the new deadline must now be 2016. In the meantime this is finished, short as it is. I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer – Of course I don't own any of the rights to the X-Men and I make no profit from my little fan fiction endeavors.
-xox-
There she was looking as gorgeous as the first day he'd met her. Regal. Beautiful. Bold. One of the few who had the gumption to stand up to him when he'd joined the X-Men back when he was just known as the Wolverine. But they'd eventually started clicking. Slowly, surely. They'd shared battles together, laughter, death. He'd trusted her implicitly. Still, he'd kept her at a distance. Something about her – he just knew it was best not to start something akin to playing with fire. More importantly he'd needed her friendship and she'd always been there for him just as he'd tried to be there for her. If ever there was a woman that matched him for love of nature, for the wildness within that always lurked beneath the calm, for passion, for honor, it was her.
Ororo Munroe.
False. Two faced. Back stabbing. Betrayer! She'd left him for another man. She deserved this! He had to do this. He'd longed to do this, to hold her again, to fill his nostrils with her indefinably enchanting scent, that scent that made him want to do things to her that no other man should be allowed to think of doing to her. It was so easy to do it too, his lips pressed hard against hers, his tongue roaming, his need for her so intense, never wanting this to end and yet releasing his claws, letting them slide into her stomach, feeling her flesh sink into the metal stopping against his knuckles, hearing her gasp, as they waited for her to die. But it was the look on her face, of betrayal, shock and pure bewilderment that did him in.
In this heinous act of murder Logan saw that he both hated and loved Ororo. He'd never realized this until now with her dying body in his arms. It shouldn't have been such a surprise to him, he thought, and yet it was an overwhelming shock. The same shock he saw in her beautiful island sea blue eyes. Did she see, feel, realize the same as he did? So much time taking her for granted and now there was no time.
Finally freed of old loves, dating Ororo, moving on with her, taking it slow but knowing it could be so much more. Yet he'd never dwelled on that even though whenever he was with her he'd always felt content as if this was how it always should have been. But for him happiness often seemed to be right around the corner, ready to do an about face and run off full speed. During the time he'd been with Ororo he'd subconsciously hoped that it was lasting. But she'd left him, betrayed him with another, and hope and happiness died as usual for him. Only it wasn't like usual. He'd been badly hurt, beyond his understanding.
Looking at her body cradled close to his heart, his very soul ached. He loved her. And though he'd never said anything he'd thought maybe she loved him too. He'd let his guard down, let her into his heart, hoping – hoping against hope. And then, too late, he'd known she'd never loved him. Her betrayal had left him feeling dead inside.
"Logan, are you okay?"
Logan looked up for a second, not recognizing the face or the voice of the woman speaking to him. Hearing her, seeing her changed nothing. He looked down at his claws, his heart in his throat.
There was no blood.
"No blood," he whispered.
"No. No blood," Danielle Moonstar said as she also stared at his claws, trying to make sense of what had just taken place.
"Huh? Uh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, Dani I'm good, let's call it a day, alright?"
She nodded, still unsure if what she'd done upon his request was right. Use your powers an' show me my biggest fear so I can tackle it before it happens, he'd told her and how did you refuse the Wolverine?
Now Logan wished Dani had refused his request. What he'd seen, done, was staggering. Now he realized he'd just hidden his feelings, locked them up, thrown the key out. And he knew why. He loved Ororo and she was married. She'd gotten married only a few months after she'd left the X-Men where she'd seemed to be happy with him. He'd thought she could love him. But she never had. No woman had hurt him like that, not to the point where he'd wanted to hurt her back as badly as he'd been hurt.
How did he conquer those emotions, the pain and this fear? Truth told he should've killed the man long before he became her husband. If he had maybe now he wouldn't be having issues.
"That's brave, tackling your biggest fear," Dani murmured and wondered at the scene she'd witnessed. She would've thought that what Logan feared most was killing Kitty or having to take out the Phoenix if it were Jean again or killing all of the X-Men. But kissing and then killing Ororo? That was his biggest fear? Why?
No one would ever guess. Logan would never tell. Logan hadn't known himself because he'd locked his fear in the deepest recesses of his mind. He loved Ororo Munroe and she was married to another. There was no other way to deal with that except to forget he'd ever loved her, forget that he'd ever hoped, ever wanted her, ever thought she could love him back. It was the only thing he could do while loving her yet hating her for her betrayal. And now that he knew, well, at least he knew and that was something.
In the meantime he decided to continue the exercise with the select few he'd already lined up. Storm had volunteered to go first after much coercing. But that was before Logan had seen how harrowing the experience was. But he couldn't deny that he was curious to see what Ororo feared most.
"I expect you to be here for me," Ororo whispered as she stepped beside him ready to begin.
"Always," he replied.
"Are you ready?" Dani asked.
Ororo glanced at Logan who nodded and then she turned back to Dani and nodded in turn.
"She's buried . . . !" Dani gasped but Logan couldn't speak, he felt as if he'd been punched in the gut and could barely breath.
Ororo only let out a small whimper. It could have been heartbreaking but they could see she was containing her emotions.
He wanted to save her, to intervene somehow, but then he saw himself there with Ororo, in the rubble, buried with her, holding her. His whole body went slack.
"This is the only way," she said and then she kissed him.
"That's her biggest fear?"
"Cut it, will ya?" Logan said, his stomach rolling with emotions he didn't think he could handle.
"Well, that was . . . terrifying," Ororo said when Dani stopped the vision. Her forehead was beaded with sweat but she looked very calm.
"Ro . . ."
"And now you know," she said with a sad smile before she passed him and walked out of the Danger room.
"Now I know . . . ?" he murmured as he watched her retreat.
"What kind of fear is that when you were there with her?" Dani asked.
But Logan was silent for a long moment.
"Logan?"
"Huh?"
"What's going on? What was that?"
"Same as mine, same as mine," he murmured because he'd begun to understand.
Dani coughed, feeling uncomfortable. This wasn't going to be fun. How many more episodes like this was she going to have to suffer through?
"Think we oughta can the program for now, don't know how the rest'll handle it," he said.
"Storm handled it just fine, whatever it was," Dani said, confused.
"I said I'm calling it off!" Logan snapped although he hadn't meant to be harsh.
Dani looked at him with annoyance. "Fine, I didn't like the idea anyway!" she snapped back then marched out.
Logan sat down on the floor then stretched out on his back. The floor was hard and cold but he didn't care because he didn't notice. He knew what he'd done was wrong but he hadn't been able to stop himself from wanting to know what Ororo feared most. He'd guessed it would be her claustrophobia even though she'd achieved some control over it but to see that her greatest horror was to be trapped with him, locked in an embrace, had nearly stopped his heart.
It could only mean that she felt just as he did. She wanted him despite honor and vows that should never be broken. He saw her fear was being trapped with him and giving into her love for him, having to confess that she loved him when she was married to another while his worse fear was killing the woman he loved and yet hated for marrying another.
He closed his eyes as he laid there forcing himself to focus on simple embryonic breathing. Finally he sat up and rested his hands on his knees and bowed his head. For all that he wanted to go running after Ororo to confront her he knew he couldn't. He sat there for a very long time before he tamed his need to go after her. When he'd finally succeeded he was up with a simple ninja kip, resigned and determined to let it go, to let his love for Ororo go.
"I suppose we should talk," Ororo said as soon as he stepped out into the corridor.
Logan was surprised that she'd waited for him but he just shook his head. "Got nothin' ta talk about, Ro. It is what it is – you saw to that."
"I believe we both saw to that!"
"Well, dammit if that ain't the truth!"
She smiled sadly. He wanted to take her into his arms. He wanted to feel her softness against his body. He wanted to run his hands over her face, through her hair. He wanted to kiss her long and hard. He wanted so much. But he knew he deserved nothing. He'd said nothing so he'd lost everything. Plain and simple.
"That's life, darlin'," he said and sauntered past her.
Ororo watched his retreat as he'd watched her retreat earlier. That was what they always did it seemed – flee, neither brave enough or maybe simply not smart enough or aware enough to say what mattered most.
"I love you, Logan," she said now.
He looked back, stopped and grinned. "I know darlin'. I love you right back."
"No, Logan I love you, I . . ."
"Darlin', I know. It's eatin' me up too but what're we gonna do, eh?" he said with a shrug but it felt as if the weight of the world was still lodged on his shoulders.
She started towards him but he shook his head and walked away.
"Logan . . ."
He didn't stop. He didn't go back to her. He didn't look back. He wasn't going to hold her like she wanted him to. He wasn't going to kiss her like she wanted him to. But she began to understand that he'd given her something she needed so much more although she sensed it was as hard for him as it was for her. He'd allowed them both to keep something invaluable to them both – their honor.
~Finis~