Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just logged in after 6 years and thought I'd post this. I might keep writing it but I'm not sure yet. Enjoy!
It was raining outside. Coming down in sheets, it poured and poured , offering no comfort, no sanctuary, no light, no heat. After George told me, all I could think about is how fitting it was that on the night he left this world, all the warmth and happiness left it too. And it just rained. Sometimes I think I imagined the rain, that my emotions were manifesting themselves as hallucinations. Whether that's the case or not makes no difference. The rain kept pouring down around me, mingling with my tears.
I cried till I was numb, inside and out. Till my eyes swelled shut and my body was cold as ice. I could barely breathe, barely speak, barely think. I was barely living. I didn't know pain like this existed and as it drowned me, wave by wave, I felt myself letting go of everything. I felt my body shut down and my emotions grow dim. That's where the numbing starts.
Every morning I wake up and there is a moment, a millisecond between dreams and consciousness in which everything is ok. Then, just as I start taking it in, it vanishes and is replaced by the pain I try so hard to keep at bay. It's like something out there is taunting me, giving me a taste of how things are supposed to be, before ripping it away and leaving me to die inside.
For the rest of the day, I'm a mess. I can't do anything properly. I try to keep busy, to keep my mind from wondering back to him but it always does. I've started congratulating myself when I realise it's been more than an hour since I've thought of him. So far, I've managed two hours. Two hours without remembering his face and how he'd smile at me every single time he saw me. Two hours without thinking about his body and the things I used to do to it. I've gone two hours without realising that I'll never be able to do any of it again. Realising that I'll never get to see his face or touch that body. I'll never see him smile; never hear his laugh, never. He doesn't exist anymore. And all I have left is the memories we made and the future we lost. The hardest part about loss is remembering the future we'll never have. All the plans we made, all the time we spent dreaming. It's all gone now. And there's no way to bring it back. No amount of praying or good deeds or magic can change that. He's gone.
The nights are the worst. Once it's dark and everyone's asleep and I've run out of distractions, my emotions come back to haunt me. I have to face all this over and over again every single night. It's the only time I can't stop myself from thinking about him. About how, if he were alive right now, his arms would be around me and we'd be talking about our day. Sometimes, as I'm falling asleep, I can almost feel him lying there behind me. I almost feel his breath on my neck. But before I can tell myself it's not real, I'm in a dream, and he's there, laughing and smiling. Morning always comes and takes him away again, cutting my wounds deeper and killing me a little more inside.
I know I can't go on like this. I know it has to end. I just don't know how to end it. I don't want to let him go, but I have to. The pain's just too much for me. I can't handle feeling this way. He's been dead for months now, and my heart still skips a beat every time I see George, before I remind myself it's not him I'm seeing. That it can't be him because he's dead and he's never coming back. It's been months and I still cry myself to sleep. I still beg God to bring him back. I thought time was meant to take the pain away, not make it fester and breed. Every day it gets worse. Every night I feel it.
God. Make it go away. God. Please. Help me.