Title: California King Bed (Alex POV)
Show: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: A/O
Genre: Hurt/Romance/Comfort/kind of song fic.
Spoilers: Alex in WPP, Season 5
Disclaimer: I Own Nothing, Characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. 'California King Bed' is by Rihanna. For a link to the song; see my profile. :)
A/N: You will notice i changed the line of the song "My California King" to "My California Queen" It just works better ;) Im thinking of doing another 2 Parts to this, both one-shots, same format as this chapter but one would be Liv's POV and the other would be when Alex is back home. What do you guys think? All feedback is welcome :) If there is enough interest in this i will do it. :) anyway, hope you enjoy this part.
It's a little after 11pm and I'm lying here willing myself to go to sleep with no luck. I've been in the Witness Protection Programme for over 3 years now; you would think I'd be used to this life by now. But I'm not. I never forget the day I had to leave NYC; I think it has to be one of the worst days I've ever gone through. As hard as leaving my home, my family and my friends was, leaving Olivia Benson was the hardest. The heartbroken look on Liv's face is etched onto my heart. When I find myself in this position, suffering from Insomnia, I let my eyes close and my thoughts drift back to my favourite detective and the last night we shared together.
We were at her apartment and she had cooked us dinner; Mushroom risotto if I remember correctly. It was delicious; Liv was such a good cook when she had the time to do it. Olivia and I always felt so comfortable around each other, there was never any awkwardness. After we'd eaten we watched a movie and she held me in her arms as we lay on the couch. I smiled at the memory; how I loved to be encased in Liv's strong arms. I felt so protected, so safe. The whole dinner and watching a movie thing was like a ritual for us because whenever Liv wasn't working late or being called into work; we would do just that and then we end the blissful night by making love to each other for as long as we could before sleep took over us.
When we were exhausted, we would just lie in bed basking in the afterglow where I would nuzzle my head into her neck. I would always kiss her right below her ear, a weak spot for her, tenderly. Olivia would kiss my forehead lazily and whisper, "I love you" and my heart would swell before I replied, "I love you too."
Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist
Toe to toe
It was on these nights that I would find myself watching her sleep. Olivia was so peaceful; the way her naked chest rose and fell against mine was soothing to me. I would lean on my elbow, carefully as to not wake my beautiful lover. I would just stare because I couldn't believe someone so amazing could love me and want to be with me and only me. I really hit the jackpot with Olivia Benson. Sometimes she would stir in her sleep and mumble my name and I would whisper, "I'm right here, baby." Even in her sleepy state it would register and she would turn her head to face me. I remember placing a gentle kiss on her soft lips; a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Lips that just felt like the inside of a rose
Thinking of that amazing night with Olivia caused a smile to tug at the corners of my own mouth and for a brief moment, I forgot where I was. It felt as though Liv was right next to me, I turned onto my side and reached out for her but all I got in return was thin air.
So how come when I reach out my fingers
it feels more than distance between us
Tears begin to fall from my eyes and I can't stop them. I hug the pillow close to my chest, gripping it with all I have; never realizing missing someone so much could hurt so badly. I'm Alex Cabot, I say to myself, but then I remember I'm not Alex anymore. I'm Sarah Newport. My sobbing wont calm down, I long to feel Liv here with me but here I am, in California with my fourth new identity, hoping that one day soon I will be able to return home to New York; to Olivia.
In this California king bed
we're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California Queen
I try to calm myself down by thinking of the day when I can see Liv again but once I've started down this road, there is no stopping me. I curl my legs up to my chest as if to protect myself but there is no physical threat, just emotional. I keep wondering if you're thinking of me when I'm thinking of you or when I'm looking at the moon, if you're looking at it too. I even let my mind wander to the possibility of you turning up on my doorstep and taking me in your arms and kissing me like there's no tomorrow. Telling me how much you have missed me and that I don't have to hide anymore.
I imagine how it would feel to feel you so close to me again, being able to touch you, call you, see you, whenever I want. It would feel like I'd died and gone to heaven that's for sure. I can see you standing in front of me with a big smile on your face, I can picture the love in your eyes as you tell me we can finally be together but most of all I can feel you cup my face with your strong, soft hands and crash your lips onto mine.
Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming
The beeping of my alarm clock pulls me from my slumber and it is then I realize I had been dreaming.
"Damn it!" I curse loudly at myself; A, for setting the alarm because it's Saturday and B because it was only a dream.
As I pull myself out of bed I start to panic and reality sets in; what if all these things I'm feeling are because I'm stuck holding onto past memories, Olivia could have moved on, be with someone new, even have a family by now. I shake my head to rid the negative thoughts that build up every now and then. I lazily tie my hair up and go to make some coffee for myself. I lean against the counter as I wait for the machine to do its thing. I glance over at my bag next to me on the counter and retrieve my purse. I open it up and take a picture out; it's a picture of me and Olivia in my apartment, I'm aiming the camera at us and she's leaning into my side, her forehead resting on the side of my head. We are both laughing. My heart sinks again. I miss Liv like crazy. I caress the photo, hoping we can make more memories like these when I get home.
In this California king bed
we're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California Queen
It's in that moment that something snaps in me; I'm Alexandra Cabot whether my new "name badge" says so or not. I'm done moping about my life, I am going to get through this and I'm going to return home to the love of life if it's the last thing I do!
"I love you Olivia Benson, I hope you know that." I say to the picture in my hand. "Wait for me." I whisper.
A/N: What's the verdict? :)