Well I have been getting a few requests for this so I tried my hand at going with a pure humour one. Here you go for those who wanted this. AOT JH.
Chapter 1. Junior leader
" . . .ake up. WAKE UP YOU LITTLE RUNT!" A distant angry voice calls out to him. Barely opening his eyes to slits the teenager sees the blurry figure of a woman with a hands in her hips stance glaring down at him. "You are not going to be late for your first day of junior high no matter what. So get up young man before I make you go hi ho silver." Her voice sounded angrier and angrier. 'Shit. Did she just say that? Alright, alright I am moving chillax. Just . . .five more minutes mom.' Thoughts were a blur.
Downstairs a similar ashen blond haired man was peacefully drinking his coffee while reading the newspaper when he heard the commotion upstairs. Swiftly and quietly he grabbed a soft pillow from the sofa in the living room and tossed it on the bottom of the stairs then went back to his leisurely breakfast.
"HI HO SILVER AWAAAAAAAY!"
"WHAT THE FU . . I MEAN WHAT THE CRAAAAAAP"
Tons of rumbling and a boy in his dinosaur pajamas tumbled down the stairs and made a soft landing on the prepared cushion. "Morning son had a nice fall didn't you." The man said without looking up.
"Morning dad and thanks for the save. SERIOUSLY WOMAN WHAT KIND OF MOTHER THROWS THEIR OWN CHILD DOWN A STAIRCASE. WHAT IF I BROKE MY NECK!." The grey haired boy curtly replied to his father but yelled up a fury towards the stairs. But was silenced at the dashing figure of his mom standing at the top of the stairway with anime style hair blowing and bright sunshine glowing behind her. "Your mother. Now get busting or I will bust you." With that he dashed to his feet and ran away to freshen himself up. "Nice catch honey." The woman said sliding down the stair railing. "Well it saves us from having to clean up a bloody floor." He says.
After a while. "Ugh I need a younger sibling a.s.a.p." the young boy says upon exiting the wash room looking spick and span and dashing in a uniform. He wordlessly enters the dining room and eats a piece of buttered toast before drowning it in chocolate milk. All avoiding the 'loving' stare of his mom. Then slinging a satchel bag over his shoulder he opens a window and puts his foot on it. Then just before leaping into the outside world a hand seizes him by the collar and yanks him back in. "What do you think you're doing?" His mother asks while crossing her arms and looking down on him. "Going to school like I was supposed to." He says with a blank face looking up at his mother's upside down face. "The door exists for a reason you know."
"But its such a pain to turn the knob then opening it by pulling it back then closong it behind you again." The boy complained. The woman then sighed. "Fine. I can't tell whether you are too lazy or too energetic. Just get going. . . And have fun." She added in the end. With a smile poping on his face he jumps out the window and head out.
Following his speedy exit from the house he then relaxed and began a chill walk to his first day of school. School was quite a ways away so he yanked a set of earphones and listened to some music as he walked.
"Damn. I seriously need to buy a bike. How far is this damn highschool."
"OH CRAP I'M LATE!" A massive sound induced earthquake occured and a very familiar voice roars out. Eric pulls out one of his earphones and looks at his right at a cross roads seening a typhoon shoot across being chased by a girl. "Whats he rushing about? There is still about an hour of time before the first bell. Unless." Then he realised something. The realisation made him facepalm himself. "DUMB GIRL TELL HIM ALREADY." He yells and runs after them.
(Flashback.)
The last time Eric visited Eren's house while the two of them were playing around Eren carefully positioned a water bucket on top of his door frame so when Eric entered he was in for a good soaking. Of course him expecting nothing from Eren fell for the prank hook line and sinker.
"Hahahahahah . . . You fell for it . . Hahahaha." Eren laughed as Eric pulled the bucket off his head. "Oh grow up." He said annoyed. "I don't care funny is funny. Especially getting one on you. So much for your sharp senses. Don't you agree Mikasa?" He asked his housemate who was apparently living with him since her parents live so far away. "Of course haha." She replied laughing.
"Ugh. Just wait till I get my revenge on you boy." Eric said with a predatory smile which scared both of them watching. That revenge was turning every single clock in their house one hour ahead including cellphones.
(Present)
Which apparently no one still managed to figure out. Now he doesn't want to be held responsible in case Eren caused a commotion which he tends to do while running at such breakneck speeds. Running on the parallel lane Eric noticed an unsuspecting damsel with a piece of buttered toast in her mouth walking straight into the path of this vengeful tornado. But if Eren is a storm then he is a tempest. That anime momemt of slow motion triggered as he bolted like lightning and swept her off her feet just milliseconds before the collision. That anime moment carried on as he then ran in slow motion carrying her bridal style with the background turning glittery golden with sparkly sounds comming. Two pairs of blue eyes locked into each other for a few seconds then the moment ended.
He curtly dropped her on her feet. "Well that moment was suddenly cut short." The blond golden girl said bluntly in . "Its the first chapter. The author's a screw up. He doesn't know how to write fluid scenes." Eric said with a slick disappointed face. "Don't say that. He's trying his best . . . But nevermind that my breakfast." She yelled at the end which grabbed Eric's attention to the piece of toast which was still in the air . . .apparently. "Got a tissue?" Eric asked.
The girl wordlessly handed him on as he caught it with the tissue and saved it from being spoiled. "Here you go. The name is Langford. The hero of the story."
"Lenz and thank you. I'm probably the heroine" The girl said with a smile. The realisation of Eren charging ahead soon dawned on him. But as soon as he was about to move away from her.
"JUST A DAMN MINUTE YOU WANNABE SEXY, SILVER STALLION! Who the hell do you think you are getting all chummy-chummy with my girl Krista!" A weird looking tan girl with narrow golden eyes and a face full of freckles. She stomps in and with unhealthy amounts of jealousy yanks the tiny girl from Eric and possessively hugs her. "Let me guess. You play the role of the one track minded self proclaimed overprotective jealous lesbian girlfriend. Right?" Eric said thinking.
"Damn straight I do." She says in a husky brute voice. "Now keep your gnarly paws off my baby. Isn't that right my pretty?" She turns and the bloodthirsty look turns to one of affection as she turns away.
"Yeaaaah . . .You wear the same uniform of our school so we might meet again soon. Gotta run. Bye and take care." He says letting the pair be as he dashed away.
"Mmm . . . He's hot and smart." Krista remarks taking a bite out of her bread. "Nooooooooooo. No my Krista. Do not be taken in by manly charms . ." Ymir cried shaking her violently.
Eric chased after them once more only to realise he was too late with Eren apologising to a girl with a splattered watermelon on the ground. 'What kind of a moron eats a water melon for breakfast.' "THIS DOESN'T BUY ME ANOTHER WATERMELON." She yells.
'Ugh the things I do to avoid guilt.' Eric thinks as he reaches into his bag and pulls out a bun which he throws at her gaping mouth. "Just forgive him please." Eric said leaping over her kneeling form.
". . . ."
Continuing to run. He sees another collision. This time it was a blond guy lying sprawled on the ground with a foot print on his face. "Nevermind." Eric says as he jumps over him and keeps going.
"Ok this moron needs to stop before he kills someone." Eric increased his pace to a dash. Catching upto Eren but then Mikasa suddenly disappeared from behind him to a left street. With short rapid steps he closed the distance then went for a supreme spin kick. "SPINZAKU ATTAAAACK!" Yelling as he spun in midair coming in hot. Unaware of all the science experiments his dad did to his body for super strength he went full force. But the missing Mikasa show up at just the perfect wrong time. Eric blasted Eren away with his kick and Mikasa rammed into an unsuspecting bald student that was in the way.
"Oops." "Yikes."
"UUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
Two screams flew through the air as they fell across town and into the school gate. "Eric followed them in then yelled. "Home run!" Suddenly Mikasa with a dark face stood before him. "Look here buddy. You are awesome and all but if you blast Eren like that ever again I'm gonna turn you into a baseball and score homeruns myself."
"Says the girl who blasted a total stranger who is still clueless as to what just happened. Shouldn't you be a bit more careful . . . .sweetie." Eric said with a sly smile touching her chin making her lose all of her composure. Her legs felt like jelly then. "Shut up you lady killing scumbag. Humph." With that she turned away. "Anyways lets get cracking. And . . . I still can't believe you guys fell for that clock rewinding prank." She only walked away faster making Eric laugh.
With that they went to their class rooms and took their respective seats. In a few minutes the homeroom teacher entered. 'Good lord he could be military drill instructor.'
"GOOD MORNING ALL OF YOU MAGGOTS AND WORMS! I AM YOUR HOMEROOM TEACHER KEITH SHADIS AND YOU WILL GROW TO HATE ME!" He roars upon entering. 'Crap he is one.' Eric thinks. "NOW LISTEN UP RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOTHING. NO YOU ARE LESS THAN NOTHING. JUST SAD LIVESTOCK. BUT WELCOME TO ATTACK JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. WE ARE GONNA BREAK YOU DOWN REMOLD YOU INTO PROPER HUMAN BEINGS TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR WORTHLESS EXISTANCE!"
After his wild raging entry. A hand was raised by an unknown student. "Um sir. Can I go to the bathroom?"
The janitor outside who was mowing the grass on the field saw the class 1-4 window open and a student being kicked out.
"Now stand up and introduce yourselves." The man says.
"Eric Langford. Shiganshina elementry."
"Reiner Braun. Maria district south-east elementry."
"Annie Leonhard same."
"Bertold Hoover same."
"Krista lenz. Rose district Reiss academy. Nice to meet you all." She says with a bright smile then her eyes fell on Eric who was also smiling.
"Ymir and all you scumbags even lay a hand on my Krista you're dead meat." She was at it again especially with a death glare on Eric to which he only smiled back pissing her off even further.
"Next." The gruff teacher demanded.
"Uh sir Connie Springer. Rose district Ragako." With the wrong hand position. Smack. The instructor then proceeded to grind his head between his fists. "You have it backwards Connie Springer. Is your heart on your right side? Next."
"I'm gonna say it. I will let them know. I wont yield to them. I am gonna drive them out." Eren angrily kept mumbling under his breath. "NEXT!" He violently stood up.
"MY NAME IS EREN YEAGER!"
"And why are you here?"
"To drive them out. I will destroy their school and erase them from not only this town but from the entire world!" He roars in the end. At his proclaimation many murmurs spread across the class room while a question mark appeared on top of Eric's head. "Did he just say he is going to wipe 'them' out?"
"No way. Ordinary humans can't stand up to them."
"Um Mikasa what are them again?" Eric said poking Mikasa on the side. "Can we not push this please?" She replied. "Oh come on why are you guys being such pessimists."
"Hah. Every class has a weirdo. I guess we just found out who ours is. Why are you so obsessed over titans in the first place? You should be cool like me and leave that can of worms alone." The blond kid they previously stepped on said proudly.
"Um excuse me who are you?" Mikasa asks. "Dumb broad. The name is Jean Kirschtein I was with you guys the whole time." He barked back annoyed. "Whatever. Eren Yeager huh. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you were a weirdo in your last school too. Creep alot of people out back there too?"
" . . . . Yeah so what?"
"Hah. I knew it. Guess what back in my old school I was the class hero. Best soccer player in the team. Popular with the girls. High grade point average and I always got a ton of cards on valentines."
" . . .eh. . .big man huh. Well I wasn't much of a popular kid and my grades werent much but I had tons of fun. I cant give any specific examples at the moment but it was awesome."
"You sucked didn't you"
"Shut up."
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Mikasa yells out scaring everyone in the class. "YOU. No one calls me a broad except Eren and no one besides Eric is allowed to insult him horseface. And YOU Eren . . .your collar is unbuttoned." To Eren her rage subsided she then proceeded to forcibly button up his collar. But Eren knocked her hand away. "Quit treating me like a toddler okay." Eren yells out. Jean watches the display for three seconds before his fuse pops.
"PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK." 'I'm so damn jealous and this imbecile is just brushing her off.' Jean screamed as he grabbed Eren by his collar. "Hey. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ON ABOUT BUT RIP MY UNIFORM AND YOU'RE DEAD!"
~thud~smack~
The instructor who disappeared behind the background suddenly smack both their heads hard cooling their heated argument.
(Then the Sasha moment I will just skip)
"Psst. Oi Jean boy. Jean boy. Hey horseface."
"Shut up what is it." After first period was underway Eric slowly whispered to Jean. In the middle of Keith's lecture. "You said you got a ton of gift cards didn't you. So how many girls were in your class?"
"Why do you wanna know 4' 11"?"
"Thats 5' 1" now tell me."
"What if I don't?"
"I will tell everyone you have a thing for Mikasa yet she just mashed the term horseface on you and stepped all over you on the way to school."
"14 alright."
"And how many cards did you really receive?"
" . . . "
"Be honest."
"Alright alright 2. Screw you."
"Nice rhyme."
"LANGFORD what are you blabbering over there."
"Nothing sir."
The first few periods pass. Now the entrance ceremony. "All students please report to the school yard with their lunches. I repeat all students please report to the school yard with their lunches. The entrance ceremony is about to begin." Following that all the students were lined up for the entrance ceremony.
"FALL IN. ATTENTION. THE 104TH BATCH OF ATTACK JUNIOR HIGH STARTS NOW! First off we have a few words from the headmaster." Everybody waits for the head master to step up when suddenly a large explosion occurs at the gate.
"Whats happening?" Eric said laying flat in the ground wondering what is happening as earthquakes ravage from the gate. At the gate was a creature he was insanely tall. 13 feet maybe. Or more. He/It was wearing a red outfit but most his body looked severely deformed. "Who or what is that?" Eric asked.
"The gate that has protected us for so long." A despairing voice came from one if the janitors. "Those bento hungry creature they are . . . . . .
. .
. . .
The students from the titan academy.
Mindless monsters. Heartless bullies. They dont even know the meaning of academics. All they know is to ravage schools and taking every last bit of food and good things of ours."
As he spoke more shorter creatures. They looked like boys but were massive 7 feet tall. Wearing brown ripped uniforms. They had fixed expressions. "So . .thats . .a titan." Eric said.
"Kuh . .Oh god. Its a titan. And I recognise that one. From my kindergarten days. He took something precious away from me a long time ago. I can never forget that. I . ." Eren said with a trembling voice. "Eren . . .for the love of all that is holy don't tell them."
Seconds later the red one destroyed what was left of the gate and all the smaller ones walked in. Instantly panic broke out. Horror music plays showing the impending doom. "TITANS!" "EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES." "GOD HELP US."
Then the worst began to happen. "NOOOOOOOO MY SPECIAL GYOZA LUNCH!" "MY TUNA SANDWITCH!" MY MOM'S FRIED CHICKEN!" "MY SALMON SNACK!" "NO NOT MY OMLET!" One by one their lunches were stolen from them. Pried out of their hands. Kicked away and downright humiliated.
Eric facepalmed himself. "Thats it." He says with a stupified expression. "School life's biggest legendary theat is a bunch of oversized clowns with a ravenous hunger for bento's. Talk about retarded." But then following that a titan came after him. He was dwarfed compared to that. Eric had to look straight up to see the eyes of the creature. He narrowed his gaze and just jumped away when he swiped for his lunch. He with his tiny frame and fast footwork swiftly dashed away and used the titan's deformed body to run up him near vertically. Then above the titan's head he spun tae kwon dou style. Then crashed down with his heel to smash the creature's face to the dirt.
"Its awesome that you guys are so huge. I can attack as hard as I want without holding back." Eric said while those who still had their lunches cheered for him. But instantly the titan recovered from the crushed nose and began to stand up again. "Damn that blow can leave people with a really bad concussion how are you getting up from that." Eric said annoyed.
"KYAAAAAAAAH. SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Looking around he sees Krista shrieking and wailing and running like a baby from a monster with Ymir already having her lunch stolen and left immobalised. He dashed across the grounds. Then used a bench a springboard to launch himself into the air.
(Damn this kid really loves to fly)
"Hey 4' 11" go for the nape!" The instructor Shadis yelled fiercely. Reacting to his words Eric blasted his foot into the nape of the titan monster boy. It collapsed dropping the uneaten lunch boxes in his mouth. Eric grabbed Krista and pulled her back. The titan convulsed for a bit then viciously stood up. Eric was about lose his cool but then tears appeared in its eyes as it took off running towards the gate it entered through.
"Eh?" Eric and Krista shared the same reaction. "You mean that's a weak point." Krista said. "If you knew this then why didn't you tell us this. "Eric asks the instructor emotionally waving his hand dramatically as time seemed to slow down and wind gently began to blow.
"We were supposed to during the term."
"Shouldn't it be the first lession you should've taught us to protect our lunches."
"I'm sorry 4' 11" it just didn't come to mind. And even then we never expected the red one to blast down the gates so easily. And how do you expect the students to reach such high locations and hit them hard." The instructors said sad and painfully.
"Knock it off with the 4 feet thing again. I'm over 5 feet damn you all. And second didn't you people ever consider making a weapon to hit these high places." Eric said angrily ruining the mood.
" . . . . ."
"The retardation in the air stifling." Krista remarks looking at Eric's constipated face.
"Wait you can take them out like that." Eren notice their farce and finally discovered the method of defeating them.
"Yes with this I can do it. With this I will avenge the moment that day. From this day onwards I WILL NO LONGER BE BULLIED!" He roars with determination. Then starts a run. Snagging a broom and board compass he rushes up the stairs. "THE TARGET IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. THE COLOSSAL TITAN!" He madly yells.
'This is my chance. For us junior highschool kids this single step will be the greatest leap ever.' He jumps out a window onto a wall and guns down the straight line towards the central red titan. "Yeah! Go Eren." "Make it happen." Some began to cheer for him as well.
Eric casually walks up to the group keeping his eyes on Eren. "Wait you guys are cheering for him?" Eric asks. "Yeah what's wrong with that?" Jean replies. "Lets just say you guys are in for a disappointment." Eric sadly says munching on his beef sandwitch. And with Krista hanging on beside him.
They all watch as Eren heroicly runs towards the main titan. "Heheh. Say goodnight sucker." He jumps off the wall and ready to strike but jumps too early and falls short straight in front of the titan breaking his own and everyone's expectations and hearts. Then the colossal titan took his lunch box. And downed all the contents towards his mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU MONSTER
NOT MY PRECIOUS CHEESE HAMBURG STEAK!"
He screams a cry as bad as losing his mother. And begins bawling. "Seriously . .cheese hamburg steak." "He risked his life . . .over damn chee-burg." "What a loser. Chee-burg bastard."
Of course the berating just started and the term chee-burg bastard was sticking already. Eren continued sniffing sadly with Mikasa rubbing his back "There there. Its going to be alright. "I can't . . . help it. Its my . . favourite."
Ymir who came to her senses looked violently for krista seeing her in Eric's side blew a fuse in her. She dashed like a cheetah going for the kill.
Eric then decided to make the most of this opportunity. "Say Krista you are cute and all. Everybody likes you plus you are one of the few people whose lunches survived. Wanna go out with me?" Eric asked as casually as asking for a glass of water.
"Eeeeeh?" The whole crowd went jawdropped at the offer. "So like you are asking be to be your girlfriend?" Krista asked. Eric nodded. 'Krista don't answer that. Don't answer that. Don't answer that. Don't you dare answer that!' Ymir screamed in her mind but as she made the final dive to seperate them.
"Yeah sure why not." Krista says shrugging her shoulders. "Yes!" Eric celebrated.
"NO!" Ymir crashes right infront of him.
T.B.C. maybe
Well I tried my best. If you like it let me know. And should this continue? Its shorter so the chapters will flow faster.