Author's Note: Hey hey hey! I'm not dead! And now I bring you a fanfic of my new favorite show; Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt! I wish it lasted more than 13 episodes. It was hysterical! Like always, expect delays between updates.
It was early morning in Daten City. Well, not "early" early, it was only 8:30, but still. Our story begins at Daten City Church, home of angels Panty and Stocking Anarchy. And they weren't "angels" in terms of behavior or personality. They were literal angels sent from Heaven. And in terms of behavior, they were anything but angelic. There's nothing they love more than sex, stuffing their faces, gambling, getting hammered, and all sorts of other unwholesome things. Because of their bad behavior, they were exiled to Earth to kill ghosts. It wasn't exactly their dream job, but it was better than complete banishment to Hell. On this particular morning, they were slumping on the couch eating cereal with their loser nerd friend Brief and their, erm… dog, Chuck, watching TV in the parlor. They were watching Brief's favorite program, "Sitcom" on the Lifetime channel. "I'm mad at you!" the lead actor yelled to his on-screen girlfriend. "I'm mad at you too!" she yelled back. "You know, I can't stay mad at you" the man said apologetically. "Me neither, let's have sex" his girlfriend replied. Another actor dressed in a Hawaiian shirt ran onto the screen. "I'm the comic relief!" he proclaimed, and the studio audience roared with laughter. Brief and Chuck guffawed along with them. Panty and Stocking, however, sat their simply chewing their cereal, bored out of their skulls, not at all amused by the drivel that Lifetime was calling comedy. While Chuck performed the Heimlich on Brief, who had choked on his cereal from laughing too hard, Garterbelt, African-American priest of the church and mentor to Panty and Stocking, entered the room. "Angels, we've got a mission!" "That's impossible," Panty, the blonde angel, spoke in a groggy tone, still barely awake. "Chuck would've coughed something up if there were ghosts." As if right on cue, a bolt of lightning struck the green dog, who hacked up a crumpled up paper. "Told you." Garterbelt replied. Panty yawned and stretched her arms before un-crumpling the note. "Ghost might be killing Girl Scouts" she read. "Ah, let 'em. I'm sick of those twerps always trying to sell their crap to me." Panty groaned, tossing the note aside. "But Stocking, how can you say no to such adorable girls and such delicious cookies?" Stocking, the Gothic one, asked. "Their cookies give me the runs." Panty grumbled as she resumed eating her cereal. "Besides, what would a ghost want with a stupid Girl Scout?" "I'm not entirely sure," Garterbelt answered, "But I'm almost certain ghost activity is involved." "How do you know?" Panty questioned. "People die in the wilderness all the time. Remember last year's angel picnic?"
Everyone began to recall last year's picnic. All the angels from heaven were gathered around a large blanket eating an assortment of food. As always, Panty and Stocking were devouring anything they could get their hands on. Belt, a brunette-haired angel, put down his sandwich and asked Leotard, an angel with long green hair, to pass him the macaroni salad. Before she could oblige, a bear suddenly came from nowhere, knocked Belt over, and started tearing at his chest. Sneaker, an angel with curly purple hair, grabbed his bow and arrow and shot the bear in the heart. The bear fell to the ground like a mighty oak, dead as a doornail. But it was too late. Belt was dead. After a brief moment of silence, everyone returned to their lunch as though nothing ever happened.
As Panty finished up her flashback, she concluded "She probably got eaten by a shark." "I'm afraid that's not the case" Garterbelt replied. The reverend grabbed the remote off the couch cushions and pressed a button. "This is footage from last night's newscast." Panty, Stocking, Brief, and Chuck all leaned forward to see. "Yesterday afternoon, Girl Scout Troop 69's 'Clean Up Daten Lake' project ended in tragedy when young scout Mary died suddenly when a massive hole was cut through her chest from seemingly nowhere" the anchorman reported. "Authorities are baffled by this sudden murder, claiming to have found absolutely no evidence. For the first time ever, they found the crime scene completely bare. No fingerprints, no dropped items, nothing." The screen showed a photo from the crime scene, and indeed, no evidence was present. "We'll keep you updated with further reports" the newsman finished. "And now, everyone's favorite bi-polar, mood-swinging weatherman, Carl!" Garterbelt turned off the TV. "Does that raise a few eyebrows?" he asked the still reluctant angels. "Are you sure it wasn't just expertly planned murder?" Panty asked somewhat nervously. Garterbelt shook his head. "Nope, no human could pull off an invisible chest cut like that." He approached the door leading out of the room and grabbed the doorknob. "If you need further convincing, I even have a witness." He opened the door and looked off to the side. "You can come in now, Mrs. Smith." A sobbing, slightly chubby, middle-aged woman with red hair entered the room. "This is Mary's mother, Mrs. Smith" Garterbelt introduced. "Oh please help me!" she cried. "My little Mary was so young, she didn't deserve to die like this!" The woman was practically in hysterics. "She was just poking a fish with a stick when huge hole appeared on her body from nowhere!" she continued. "I don't know how it happened, and I was hoping you could find out!" "Don't worry, ma'am, we'll see what we can do," Stocking said, comforting her. "Hey, wait, I haven't agreed to this yet!" Panty snapped. "Please, girls!" Mrs. Smith begged, now on her knees. "My Mary meant the world to me! If you find the ghost responsible and make them suffer a horrible and agonizing death, I promise I'll do anything to repay you!" Mrs. Smith collapsed to the floor, flooding the angels' feet with tears. "Please help her," Brief said, peering over Panty's shoulder. "She's eaten all our food." "Alright, fine! We'll find out what happened!" Panty sighed. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" Mrs. Smith cried, hugging the sisters tightly. "If you're going to find that ghost, you'll need to get connections with the troop." Garterbelt stated. "Okay, how do we join?" Panty asked as she and Stocking managed to get Mrs. Smith to release them from her grip. "I can set you up with an appointment to see the troop leader later today," Mrs. Smith explained. "Yeah, yeah," Panty scoffed. "Let's just do it and get it over with." "Oh, cheer up, Panty." Stocking said, pinching her sister's cheeks. "What could be more fun than ensuring a bunch of girls grow up to live long happy lives?" "Sex with men, or anything else, really." Panty replied. "You know, I've always wanted to be a Girl Scout." Stocking remarked, staring off. "Earning merit badges, getting free cookies, learning to knit, getting free cookies, going on camping trips, getting free cookies…" Stocking was practically drooling now. Panty let out a long sigh. "This is going to be a long case."
And that's chapter one! What do you think so far? Suggestions and constructive criticism are welcome.