A/N: Story time! I wrote this on Sunday, July 27, 2014 before I had any idea that Sophaniel would be sorta-not-really cannon. One of my fellow Jemma shippers and I had been brainstorming comical ideas on Kik and I decided to write some of them into a fic. This story was the result. Since it's blow after blow after blow to Daniel, I wasn't going to post it. It's obviously meant to be funny but it can also be taken as really mean and I didn't actually hate Daniel as a character when I wrote it; I just didn't like him standing in the way of Jemma. But then "About a Wizard" happened. And now I actually do hate him. So enjoy.

"Sophie, hurry up!" Daniel Miller called through the bathroom door to his… ugh… girlfriend, Sophie Johnson. "We're gonna be late!"

It was a routine: every morning before school, Sophie showed up at Daniel's house and primped in the bathroom for at least twenty minutes. She used to get ready for school each morning with her Panther friends, Maddie Van Pelt and Katie Rice. But ever since she'd started dating Daniel, Maddie had put some restrictions on their friendship. Restriction #1: Sophie was no longer allowed to get ready for school with her and Katie. So, "lucky" for Daniel, Sophie had moved her morning routine to the Miller household.

"Don't worry, Danny!" Sophie called back in her ever-cheerful voice. "If we're late, you can just call Jax and ask him to turn you into a koala. Then you can fly us to school!"

Daniel resisted the urge to pound his fists against the door. Every freaking morning Sophie found some way to bring up Daniel's arch nemesis, Jax Novoa. "First of all, koalas can't fly. Second, what did I tell you about mentioning the Australian?"

"Oh right, sorry. I forgot—you don't like him because he's better than you and Emma noticed."

Daniel peeked his head around the corner, hoping by some miracle his mom would be standing there. He was on the verge of tears and could really have used her and his bottle or blankie right now. But his mother had already left for work, and sure his dad had the day off, but he didn't understand Daniel. Mr. Miller thought his eldest son needed to "man up." Pfft. How much manlier could he get? He was already the captain of every sports team at Iridium High—or at least he had been until two months ago when the Australian showed up. Two short weeks after he'd moved here, Jax had stolen not only Daniel's sports titles, but his title of Emma Alonso's boyfriend, too.

After Emma dumped him, Daniel had started paying more attention to Sophie at play practice. She was pretty and the least horrible of the Panthers by a long shot. She was the on-stage Juliet to Daniel's on-stage Romeo, and he'd decided to give her a chance in real life, too. Worst. Decision. Ever. "Difficult" didn't even begin to describe what being in a relationship with Sophie was like. But he wasn't about to be single on top of everything else going wrong in his life, so "Sophaniel" (as Gigi Rueda had dubbed them on Miss Information) was here to stay until further notice. No matter how much he hated it.

Daniel gritted his teeth and hollered, "Sophie, come on! What could you possibly be doing in there?"

At that exact moment, Sophie threw open the door, a big smile stretched across her face. "Tada!" She jumped in the air and did spirit fingers. "Do you like it?" When he didn't respond, she pouted. "Oh you hate it, don't you?"

Daniel took a very deep breath and slowly let it out. "Sophie?"

"Yes?"

"YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID WHEN YOU SHOWED UP!"

"Nuh-uh! I plucked three specific hairs from my left eyebrow and practiced smiling for fifteen minutes straight. I think it's a big improvement. Don't you?"

Her boyfriend stared at her for a full minute before he could muster up the words, "Let's go…"

"Okay!" Sophie slung her bag over her shoulder then gasped. "Oh! Do you think Jax will like my eyebrows? He has really great eyebrows. Have you ever noticed? I bet Em—"

"That's it!" Daniel threw his backpack on the floor and ran to the T3 supply closet.

Sophie's eyes doubled in size. "Oh no. Please Danny, no, I'm sorry—"

"Too late!" He emerged from the closet with two rolls of duct tape in his hands. "Purple or pink?"

Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. "Pink... I had purple last week..."

Daniel ripped off a Sophie-sized piece of baby pink duct tape—he'd gotten good at guesstimating after the first week—and placed it across her lips. She used to complain that it messed up her lip gloss and insist that she needed another twenty minutes in the bathroom to fix it. It was at that point Daniel had demanded the T3 switch from the standard silver duct tape to Sophie's favorite colors. It usually only took about five seconds until—

"Ihs sso pwetty!" Sophie crossed her eyes so she could look down at her mouth, completely forgetting this was a punishment. Right on schedule.

Daniel took her hand and led her through the house. "Bye, Dad!" he called as they passed Mr. Miller's den.

"Bhhye Danl's ded!" Sophie waved enthusiastically with her free hand.

Mr. Miller looked up from his television set and forced a smile. "Sophie." Then he looked at Daniel and shook his head with disappointment. "Son…"

Daniel's super-cool bicycle from the fifth grade was in his front yard, leaning against the house. Or at least it had been. The bike now lay in the grass, covered in some gross orange goo that looked eerily familiar. Not to mention—

No. They wouldn't.

"T3…" Daniel grumbled.

"Ih look coo!" Sophie clapped her hands with excitement when she noticed the new accessory.

Unbelievable. They would.

Robbie and Tommy had been super mad at Daniel ever since that stormy Saturday when Sophie Mini-Pantherized Melanie. The girls had gone shopping, gotten manicures, stopped by the makeup counter… And the rest was history. Ever since, Mel wouldn't help the boys with many pranks and when she did she always insisted they have some sort of girly touch to them. Usually the boys hated this, but Daniel had a sneaking suspicion they hadn't complained about it this morning.

Because attached to the handlebars of his goo-covered bike was the pink and white woven basket from Mel's old tricycle. Classic! he could practically hear the three of them exclaim in unison.

The fact that his misery was a form of bonding for his little siblings was something Daniel didn't have time to cry about (yet). No, he had business to take care of. He walked around back to his family's shed and grabbed the garden hose. He cranked the dial on the nozzle up to full power, squeezed the trigger, and sprayed his bike, causing orange goo to splatter left and right. Sophie ran over and twirled around in it like a child playing in mud puddles. Once the bike was decently clean, Daniel picked it up and tried to yank the basket off, but it wouldn't budge. He pulled and pulled but it was immovable. Almost as if the T3 had used super glue to attach it.

Which of course they had.

Daniel took one long look in the direction of the school. He could run and make it on time if he really wanted to. But Sophie couldn't. Last month, on a particularly sunny day, Sophie had insisted upon going for a walk in the park. Daniel had agreed, figuring it would be a nice, quick date. But no. Sophie had spent thirty-five minutes eating what she was sure were fern leaves while Daniel sent pictures to his mom to double check (she said they were safe, and if his mommy said so, it must be true). Unless Daniel transported Sophie to school on his bike, they wouldn't get there until fourth period and he'd officially have detention until he was thirty.

Swallowing his long-gone pride, he climbed onto his bicycle and prepared to kick away the kick stand. "Let's—"

"I anna sih in the bsskih!" cried Sophie's muffled voice. The next thing Daniel knew, Sophie was literally sitting in Mel's pink basket. "Et's go!"

"You can't—"

"EEEET'S GOOOOO!" The air-headed girl pumped her arms in the air happily. She was completely oblivious to the hundreds of reasons this was not okay and, as much as he hated to admit it, Daniel had a soft spot for her child-like innocence.

"Fine…" Daniel took care of the kickstand and started to pedal. Sophie squealed and did a little dance that caused the bike to sway. They almost ran into a tree before they were even out of the Millers' front yard.

"Sophie, lean that way! I can't see!"

Sophie leaned and Daniel exhaled. Just a few blocks and you'll be at the school…, Daniel told himself. For the next three minutes he practiced some of the breathing techniques his mom had looked up for him online. They prevented him from hyperventilating and the two arrived (sorta) safely at the Iridium High parking lot. Daniel was steering them toward the bicycle rack when Sophie yelled, "I, PRISIPL ALASO!"

"WHAT?" Daniel hit the brakes half a millisecond before the bike would have made contact with Emma's father, whom appeared out of seemingly nowhere. Even though he hadn't been hit, fear had struck his heart. He shrieked, fell down, and dropped the stack of papers he'd been pawing through. He landed on his butt only a few feet in front of them. "P-Principal Alonso, I didn't see—"

"MR. MILLER! Is this another one of your pranks? Running over the principal?"

"N-No, sir, I—"

"Oh, my suit," the man wailed, bringing himself to his feet. "I just had this dry-cleaned!"

Sophie climbed out of the basket and sniffed their principal. "Smlls like urning ruher!"

"Stop that!" He flinched and shied away from her. "What did she just say?"

She ripped the tape off her mouth and clarified, "I said, smells like burning rubber!"

"You weren't supposed to take the tape off until we said goodbye in the hallway!" Daniel complained, stomping his foot with frustration.

Principal Alonso gasped. "Mr. Miller. Is this the way you treat women? You duct tape their mouths shut?"

"Well I—"

"It's okay, Principal Alonso," Sophie said with a reassuring smile. "Duct tape's totally in this season. But shh! Don't tell Maddie. I tried to tell her a bunch of times but she wouldn't believe me."

Daniel had been so caught up in the horror that was almost running over his high school principal he hadn't noticed the usual morning Sophaniel crowd had gathered 'round to gawk and laugh. But he noticed now because a loud engine sounded and suddenly everyone's attention shifted from Daniel to the noise.

The cause of the commotion was none other than Iridium High's golden couple, Jax and Emma, also known as Jemma. They'd just arrived on Jax's stupid super cool and expensive dirt bike, which he parked perfectly in its usual spot. That dirt bike was a total chick magnet, but unfortunately for every other female at IHS, only one girl ever got to ride it. Emma unwrapped her arms from around Jax's annoyingly defined abs, took off her helmet, and shook out her hair.

What she didn't take off was Jax's leather jacket, the coveted clothing item of every girl in school. Daniel was willing to bet she showered in the thing. He never saw her without it—and he saw her a lot. He regularly stalked her from her kitchen window and had followed her on his fake Twitter account under the name of Javier Creeper two days after she dumped him. She wore it 24/7—in pictures, while she was doing her homework… It was as if Jax's jacket had become her life force.

Daniel had never given Emma one of his prized possessions as a symbol of their relationship. His most prized possession hands down was his blankie, and he would never have parted with it—he couldn't sleep without it—but how come Emma had never asked if she could have it? Sure, she probably hadn't asked Jax for his jacket, he'd probably just been suave enough to give it to her, but she clearly adored it. She'd never shown that kind of adoration toward Daniel's blankie. In fact, she'd never shown any adoration toward Daniel's blankie. Rude much…

Jax removed his own helmet, ran one hand through his perfect hair, and took Emma's hand in his other. She leaned in to kiss him but he leaned away from her and said in his irritatingly heart-melting Australian accent, "Whoa, there, Emma. Let's keep things G, shall we?" He turned his face and pointed to his cheek. She kissed him there instead.

"Atta boy, Jax!" Principal Alonso grinned and flashed him a big thumbs up.

Jax's jaw dropped. "Principal Alonso? Is that you? I didn't even see you there!"

Daniel rolled his eyes and pretended to gag.

Jemma strolled over hand-in-hand. Daniel tried to sniff Emma without looking like he was trying to sniff Emma but it was totally obvious he was trying to sniff Emma and when Emma noticed she jumped and latched onto Jax's arm (she smelled like Jax's cologne, just saying).

"What happened here?" Jax motioned to the papers Emma's dad had dropped moments ago. They were now scattered on the pavement. "Did you come across Daniel's grades? Did they give you a fright?"

"No, Jax," Principal Alonso said, aiming a smile his way. Then he scowled in Daniel's direction and added, "But I did check them over the weekend. Below par as usual, Mr. Miller."

Jax grinned while Emma tried not to. Why did his grin have to be so dang charming?!

Don't cry don't cry don't cry, Daniel chanted to himself. His mom would be so proud of him if he could emerge from this moment without losing his self-control.

"Mr. Miller here tried to run me over with his little girl bike."

Emma gasped. "What?!"

"HEY! I'll have you know, this bike was ranked number two in the Hottest Gifts for Boys Ages 5 to 10 in 2008."

"Oh, cool!" Jax said, voice dripping with sarcasm. Then he turned toward Emma's dad and his entire demeanor changed. "Principal Alonso, permission to speak to you as Mr. A?"

"Permission granted."

"Mr. A, if you're not busy tonight, I was thinking we could take the Double-Torque out for another spin. Maybe even conquer Route 10 this time?"

"Sounds great!" Mr. A said with a grin. "I'm free at six-thirty."

"You're in love with his dirt bike, too?!" Daniel asked with exasperation. He didn't know what was crazier: the mental image of his principal cruising around Miami on a dirt bike, or the fact that his principal regularly hung out with his daughter's boyfriend.

"Well of course he is!" Sophie said, finally snapping out the love struck trance she'd fallen into the second she spotted Jax. "Everyone is."

"But—"

"Six-thirty sounds great, but—what's that over there?"

"Where?" While Mr. A's back was turned, Jax cast a spell in his head and pointed his finger at the pavement. The scattered papers collected themselves and materialized in his hand.

"I don't see any—"

"Here you are." Jax grinned and held out the papers.

Mr. Alonso's eyes lit up. "Oh, Jax! Thank you!" He took the papers then pointed them at Daniel. "Take notes, Mr. Miller. Oh, and you have detention until further notice."

"But—"

"I'll see you later, you crazy kids," he said with a smile to his daughter and her boyfriend. Then he turned toward the least intelligent but sweetest Panther. "And… Sophie?"

"Yes, Principal Alonso?" she asked brightly.

"Please… find a new boyfriend."

And with that, he was gone.

"Why were you trying to run over my dad?" Emma demanded, glaring at Daniel.

"I wasn't! The T3—"

"Come on, Em," Jax interrupted, taking his girlfriend's hand once more. "We'll be late to first period. Wouldn't want to upset your father." Then he gave Daniel the once over. "We've seen where that gets one in life."

"Ooooh!" Sophie raised her hand like she was volunteering to answer a question in class. "Detention?"

"Worse."

"You better leave my dad alone," Emma growled. "Or else." She'd never come across as scary before, but standing next to Jax while wearing his leather jacket… it gave her an intimidating edge.

"Emma, I didn't—"

"See you at practice, Daniel," Jax said as he led Emma away. Then he feigned shock and said, "Oh wait—I won't. Have fun in detention." Then he leaned down and gave Emma that kiss on the lips she'd tried for earlier. The two walked away like #swag and Daniel couldn't believe he wasn't crying yet. He'd never walked away like #swag in his life.

"SOPHIE!" screeched an all-too-familiar female voice.

"Yes, Maddie?" Sophie called.

Maddie, Katie, and Maddie's boyfriend Diego Rueda were marching across the parking lot, headed in Sophaniel's direction.

Daniel internally groaned. Here we go…

"What was that?" the blonde hissed once she was within whispering distance.

"What was what?"

"Almost running over Emma's dad to draw attention to you and…" She sneered in her ex-boyfriend's direction. "…him. I've been tolerating your relationship, but if you two are even trying to become the new golden couple—"

"Hey," Diego said, gently nudging her in the side. "Madds."

"What?" she snapped.

"First of all, that will never happen. That title is ours. Or at least it would be if it weren't for Jemma. Why does Jax have to be so suave… Oooh, it's Monday! I should make Jax my Man Crush Monday! But he's more like #mce: Man Crush Everyday. Just like Daniel's #mbm: Momma's Boy Miller—"

"PROXY!"

"What?"

"SECOND?"

"Oh, right! And second…" He motioned to Sophaniel. Sophie was currently flapping her arms and jumping around while yelling "WHY CAN'T I FLY?" in a faux Australian accent, which meant she was pretending to be a koala. Daniel was doing some squat thrusts and repeating the phrase "You are stronger than your fears" over and over again in a shaky voice. "Don't bother making a big deal out of this. Sophaniel is embarrassing themselves all on their own. And they're doing a better job at it than you could ever hope to."

"FLY, KOALA, FLY!" Sophie screeched. Daniel lost his self-control and began to cry. Sorry, Mom.

Katie blinked. "You know, as much as it pains me to say it, Diego's right."

Maddie made a face as she literally felt the awkwardness that was Sophaniel and nodded. "Yeahhh, he's right. SOPHIE! LET'S GO!"

"Lay-tah, Danny!" Sophie The Koala called over her shoulder as she jumped after her friends. The Panthers and Diego entered the building seconds before the late bell rang.

Great.

I should just go home…, Daniel thought.

No, he firmly told himself. He wiped at his eyes and tried to regain his composure. He could do this. He just had to get it together enough to walk through the front door. Even if it meant more detention for being late, he could do this. He could do this. He could—

"That's right, my beautiful followers!" Gigi exclaimed, popping out of a nearby shrub. A few leaves and a small twig littered her hair and (as always) she had her phone in hand. Her camera guy, Sebastian, was in the shrub next to her, aiming the camera at Daniel. "You are watching half of Sophaniel, ex-half of Maniel and Demma, and ex-captain of the… everything team, Daniel Miller, crying live!"

—not do this.

Daniel climbed onto his bike, pedaled out of the parking lot, and cried all the way home like #mbm.

"Not so easy without your powers, is it?"

Not so easy without your mommy and blankie, is it?