Episode III: Them Lovely Bones
[Bart wakes up on a rainy day.]
Bart: Oh, boy. I love rainy days.
[Opens his closet. Gena appears in it.]
Bart: [Screams] Gena! What the Hoth are you doing in my house? Not to mention in my room!
Gena: Sorry. I just wanted to ask you: Would you like for us to go out tonight?
Bart: No!
Gena: Oh, c'mon. It'll be a romantic evening with just you and me and…
[Bart slams the door in/on her face.]
Bart: I just really don't get her.
Gena: AS SOON AS MY NOSE STOPS BLEEDING, I'M GOING TO GET YOU!
[Runs out and gets on the bus. Gena is in one seat.]
Bart: How did you get HERE?
Gena: Please? It's not much to ask. Just a nice quiet evening with…
[Bart pulls out his iPod and listens to "Trippin' in a Hole in a Paper Heart" by the Stone Temple Pilots. Their new album is available on iTunes now, only $9.99! (PING!)!]
Gena: Bartie…
[Takes out his earphones.]
Bart: Oh, hey, look, it's my stop. I'll just walk from here.
[Dives out the window 7 blocks from the school.]
Gena: [Sigh.]
[Bart's in class.]
Gena: [Hands him a note.] (note) I've already got reservations.
Bart: (note) [Obliviously reading comics.]
Gena: (note) [Crying a bit inside.]
[After class, he goes to his locker to get his books.]
Bart: Hmm hm hmm, ba doo boo ba…
[Opens the locker. Gena is inside.]
Gena: Hi!
Bart: GAAHH! [Falls over.] Seriously, this is gettincreepy!
Gena: So, what's your response?
Bart: No! No! No! No! NOOOO!
Gena: Is that a "maybe"?
[Slams the door in her face again.]
Gena: Uhhh… Bart? Little help here? I'm stuck…
[Everyone leaves the school.]
Gena: Crap.
[Bart and Milhouse are playing with toy guns.]
Bart: Aha, I've got you cornered!
[Bart jumps out and shoots Milhouse. Gena comes out of the gun.]
Gena: How about Saturday?
Bart: What? How did you even get in- NO!
[Bart is running away from the bullies into an alley. He hides next to and leans on a dumpster.]
Bart: Phew! That was too close! I was almost a Bartie sandwich!
[Gena's voice comes out of the dumpster.]
Gena: Mmmm… Bartie sandwich…
Bart: WHA-A-A!
[Falls on face and gets up.]
Gena: So how about Sunday?
Bart: For the last time, NO!
[Closes the lid on her. Bart goes to BHF5 HQ. No one's home but Dengar.]
Bart: Where is everyone?
Dengar: Hunting down some deadbeat who didn't pay for getting his cat out of a tree. Say, you don't look too good.
Bart: Sorry. It's just that Gena's constantly stalking me asking if I could go out with her.
Dengar: Why don't you just accept it? That'll be easier.
Bart: Oh. Maybe I'm just too paranoid. Anyway, after the date, she'll ask for me to go out with her again. After, she'll ask again. She'll keep doing that until we get married-or at least until I die of the stress! Seriously, she's like a facehugger.
Dengar: That can't be possible.
Bart: You're right. She IS a face hugger. Except she doesn't lay babies in your stomach. It's in reverse. Oh, wait, accidental dirty joke.
[Editor's Note: If you're wondering what a face hugger is, it's this weird thing from Alien. It's this small slug thing with giant teeth that straps onto your head and sucks your brains out until you're a lifeless body or plants an alien in your stomach to burst out spectacularly later. I figure Gena gives Bart the same reaction (just more bloody).]
Dengar: Why don't you just tell her you don't want to date her anymore? That you feel more comfortable as a bachelor? Or do you not want to hurt her feelings?
Bart: The problem is, I can't. She'll still be back. The problem is she doesn't know when to accept it.
[Alarm rings.]
Jango Fett: [Over intercom.] We have a hostage situation in Downtown Springfield!
Dengar: Finally. Something to keep your mind off of this stalker thing!
[At the place.]
Snake: Nobody move! Or the guy will never move again!
Hostage: Please don't let him kill me. I'm too semi-attractive to die!
[Bart and Dengar head to the rooftop of a nearby building. They find a group of mobsters occupying the rooftop.]
Bart: Well, it's sure better than discovering you-know-who.
Fat Tony: Looks like we have some more people we can take as hostages!
Dengar: Does everyone say that these days? Well, time to settle this with AGGRESSIVE NEGOTIATIONS!
[Takes out a shotgun.]
Bart: Is that a shotgun?
Dengar: [Fires.] Why, yes it is!
[To keep this PG-13, it's filled with rock salt. It (somehow) jams. Fat Tony tackles him, and starts punching him.]
Dengar: LITTLE HELP HERE, BART! I DON'T WANNA DIE FOR THE THIRD TIME!
[Bart grabs Dengar's shotgun and shoots at Fat Tony.]
Fat Tony: Ouch! That STINGS!
[Runs away, and accidentally falls off the edge of the roof.]
Dengar: Marksman time!
Bart: Is that a sniper rifle?
Dengar: Why, yes it is! And don't even ask aboot the name. [One of the wounded mobsters shoots Dengar's right hand.] GAAH! My trigger finger! Bart, I never thought I'd say this, but I need you to shoot Snake for me!
Bart: Actually, Snake is kinda awesome, besides his psychotic reputation. I don't wanna kill him.
Dengar: Don't worry. It also has rock salt in it. It won't kill him, but it'll knock him out for several hours.
Bart: I didn't even know you can put rock salt in a sniper rifle.
Dengar: Oh, no, you can't.
[Silence.]
Bart: Anyway…
[Points the gun at Snake.]
Suddenly, Gena appears on the reticule.]
Gena: Hey, Bartie…
[Bart fires but points the gun away just in time.]
Kent: This is Kent Brockman here, coming to you live from Downtown Springfield, where we look up at a hostage situation. [The helicopter driver gets hit with the sniper beam. Yes, the sniper rifle it was fired from is so awesome, the projectiles it fires transcend bullets, they're flargin' BEAMS.][Of rock salt.] This is Kent Brockman saying, tell my wife & kids I love 'em.
[The helicopter hits the ground and explodes (into rock salt. PG-13!). The hostage shoots Snake's foot & runs. Snake shoots the hostage. Chief Wiggum shoots Snake. Jango Fett shoots Snake. TR punches Z-Man. Z-Man grabs TR by the head and throws TR to a wall. The wall falls on TR. Dengar shoots his girlfriend (a text). Booth shoots Lincoln. With rock salt.]
Gena: Sorry about that. So when is the best time?
Bart: Gena! Do you have any idea what you've just done?
Gena: Listen, this would've never happened if you just asked me out yourself. You were too busy ignoring me. You never even admitted your love to me. So this is basically all your fault.
Bart: That's because I have no feelings for you! You know what, I DON'T EVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN! [Gena walks away crying.] Seriously, why does she smile like that when she cries? It's creepy.
Dengar: I think you were too hard on her.
Bart: She's the cause of Kent Brockman's severe injuries slash rock salt death. You think that's soft?
[Jango Fett appears]
Jango Fett: Why didn't you shoot him while you still had the chance?
Dengar: My arm was broken, so I gave it to Bart.
Bart: How did a bullet to the finger break your arm?
Dengar: Don't even ask.
[One week later at Gena's house.]
Mrs. Arminta: Gena, may I come in?
Gena: If you know what's good for you, stay out!
Mrs. Arminta: Don't talk that way to your mother! You're not an emo!
[Mrs. Arminta enters. Gena is in her bed with a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream. She's sobbing.]
Gena: Mom, I don't like Springfield.. I wanna go back to England. I miss my old friends. Well, not Johnny. He was just a sack of bollo-.
Mrs. Arminta: Don't say it. It's not ladylike. I think only your friend Johnny would say that & get away with it. He, and maybe your new friend, Bart Simpson…
Gena: HE'S THE REAL PILE OF BOLLOCKS!
Mrs. Arminta: Gena! What did I tell you?
Gena: Sorry. It's just that he dumped me very aggressively some days ago.
Mrs. Arminta: Oh, Gena. You can't let your feelings get to you. You must learn to let go of your feelings in order to move on.
Gena: Did you just say that because you ran out of good dialogue?
Mrs. Arminta: Yes, I did, honey.
[The next day in school…]
Bart: Wait. I can't go in there seeing that depressed face on Gena.
TR: She probably forgot.
Bart: Dude, how can she forget?
TR: Well, she probably must at least have gotten over it. Like how I got over that crazy librarian I killed 5 days ago.
Bart: Well, if you had stayed quiet, she wouldn't have tried to bite your head off!
TR: Well, if she hadn't put up the rule that everyone had to be quiet, I wouldn't have been breaking it by doing the chicken dance!
[They enter the classroom. Bart finds Gena on one side of the room with a bag over her head.]
Bart: Gena, what's with the bag over your head?
Gena: You said you never wanted to see my face again.
Bart: You know I can't stay mad at you for so long.
Gena: Go away.
Bart: What'd I tell you?
TR: Best 2 outta 5.
[Later that day]
Bart: So then he asked, "Where'd you get the ketchup?" So then I said, " I got it on my last trip to Sesame Street…" Gena?
[Gena's hanging out with Milhouse]
Bart: Gena, how could you?
Gena: Listen, after you screamed at me like that, I realized we should move on to new people. Time is splitting us apart.
Bart: Listen, that's not what being friends is about. Friends get angry at each other and separate for a while. Then they go back to normal. Just like TR and Z-Man.
TR: Hey-oo!
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, but she's with "The House" now.
Bart: Fine. Go ahead. At first, you'll think having a stalker girlfriend is awesome, but once you get used to it, your life becomes a living Hoth. Oh, and she also hates puppies.
Gena: YOU TOLD!
Milhouse: Wait, telling by your reaction, YOU REALLY HATE PUPPIES! Uh… I'll see you tomorrow!
[Dives into a garbage chute.]
Gena: Bart, you can't get used to this. Sometimes we must move on.
Bart: This isn't how we do it in Springfield. In Springfield, things never change-except maybe that time my neighbor's wife died. We all thought it was non-canon…
Gena: I'm sorry for ever liking you. Have a nice life.
[Leaves.]
TR: She's not getting away with it. You're not the quitter I know. You do whatever it takes to get her back to stalking and you. Even if it means turning the next montage into you trying to get her back and failing while "Give 'em Hell Kid" by My Chemical Romance plays over the montage.
[The exact thing TR said happens.]
TR: THAT NEVER HAPPENS! WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN WHEN IS SAY I GET 4 TONS OF ICE CREAM?
[An ice-cream truck falls on TR.]
TR: Oh boy! I can taste the pain!
Bart: This has gone too far! [Walks to Gena's house.] Gena-
[Later, Bart and TR are walking to Gena's.]
Gena: Hi, Bartholomew. I'm glad to see you.
Bart: So you finally know what I'm feeling.
Gena: No. It's because I'm leaving this Sunday.
Bart: That's just gre- What?
Gena: Sorry. I just don't feel comfortable in Springfield.
Bart: GEEZ! Are your parents Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags?
Gena: No, mom changed her last name when she married.
Bart: Are you sure?
Gena: Yes.
[Walks away. TR walks in.]
TR: Uh…did she just call you by your real name?
Bart: She's leaving for good!
TR: And you're alarmed, why?
Bart: Sherry and Terry have been trying to get me back for not paying them some ransom money. Let's just say love IS stronger than hate.
TR: She's leaving.
Bart: WELL, DO SOMETHING!
[TR grabs a poison dart shooter and shoots a poison dart at Gena. It hits her RIGHT ON THE NECK.]
Bart: DUDE! WHAT WAS THAT?
TR: You told me to do something. And I did something.
[No one shout "that's what she said".]
Bart: DUDE! THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN HER GOING AWAY!
TR: Don't worry. I've heard Professor Frink knows a way to bring the dead back.
[At the lab…]
Frink: I call it the NDofier. You use it so people can die and come back to-GLAVIN!-life any other time later. You see, in order to, nghey, bring your friend back to life, you lay down here and put the helmet on. Yhoy! Then you go to heaven, with the clouds and the angels and the pearly-ngheytes, and win her back. You can also walk through walls, because it's based on the Source engine and I turned on no-clip, and whatnot, mglohorl!
Bart: I want this to be tested immediately. I must bring her back.
TR: If only you could've told us earlier. We could've brought Dengar to life without having to meet that strange devil-like creature.
Frink: You weren't supposed to remember that! Anyway, please note you might feel some slight discomfort.
[Bart and TR die.]
TR: That was pretty anticlimactic.
Bart: [Echoey voice.] Where am I?
TR: I think we're dead.
Bart: Duh.
TR: Strange how it's foggy and sunny at the same time.
Bart: Idiot. We're near the gateway to heaven.
TR: Glad I didn't go to Hoth. I still owe that Wampa a severed arm.
[They enter the gateway.]
Bart: Are you sure this is heaven?
TR: Sure. Why else could we hear The Ramones playing live from a distance? They're all dead.
[The Ramones can be heard playing Teenage Lobotomy.]
St. Peter: Welcome to heaven. I hope you enjoy your stay. If you just died so you can beat the moustache outta Hitler, you've came to the wrong place.
Bart: I told you Hitler went to hell. Now where's my 5 bucks?
TR: We bet on the same thing.
Bart: And I didn't.
TR: And it was all a dream anyway.
St. Peter: [Ahem!] Gentlemen! I hope you have fun meeting all the other people like Kurt Cobain, John Wayne, George Washington, George Bush [The old Bush], Dee Dee Ramone, Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, that other Ramone, Jimi Hendrix, Freddie Mercury, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Maude Flanders, St. Jimmy, and now there's you guys.
Bart: Wait, so that's all there is?
St. Peter: Nope. There's a whole bunch of other schmoes.
Bart: Please let us in!
St. Peter: Well, you have been good ever since the starting of BHF5. Or… at least you haven't killed too many people. That didn't deserve it. Or… Eh, just go ahead in.
TR: Remember. We're only here to save you-know-who-I-killed.
Bart: Yes. Make a note to carry smaller darts next time.
[Meets up with his grandmother.]
Bart: Grandma?
Mona: Bart, are you dead?
Bart: I'll be going back eventually.
Mona: Listen, Bart. If you'll still be alive, I've got an important message for you. You must go to the Taco Bell systems. There some guy who's not Yoda will train you to be the ultimate Jedi master.
Bart: Thanks. But I was here to look for someone.
[Looks around. Finds a snake. Bart picks up the snake. The snake bites Bart.]
Bart: Ow! I thought snakes didn't bite in heaven.
St. Peter: Wait. That's not a regular snake. That's SATAN!
Bart: You really need to get some better security guards…
[Snake transforms into Satan and grabs Bart.]
Bart: If I get outta here, I'll never worship you again!
St. Peter: You'll regret raiding our little home! Prepare to DIE!
Satan: You and what army?
[Slipknot's Disasterpiece plays.]
Satan: I LOVE THIS SONG! Maybe just this.
St Jimmy: Dude, why bother when we have THE ENTIRE "IOWA" ALBUM!
Satan: You sure drive a hard bargain.
[While they're making a random argument, Bart finds Gena]
Bart: Psst! Gena!
[Gena looks and sees Bart.]
Gena: Bartie! I'm sorry I ever enraged your wrath. If I get outta here, I won't leave to England.
Bart: Well, we have 3 more minutes before St. Jimmy finishes making a deal with Satan.
[They sneak out on their tippy-toes out the pearly gates and leave heaven. They all re-appear in Frink's lab.]
Frink: This without a glavin of doubt might be the best invention yet! I'm totally getting a nerdy-nghoy-award for this!
TR: Not a dude. If I were you, I'd only keep this among the war. Some things are just not meant to be. Like Frank Raccoon.
Frink: Who?
TR: Rip-off of Justin you-know-who-er.
Frink: Who?
Bart: Take care of things while I redo my mistakes by spending time with someone.
[The next scene is him and Gena walking into the sunset like in those romance movies. The End… Or so it is-]
Satan: [Pops up.] NOISES! NOISES! PEOPLE MAKE NOISES! PEOPLE MAKE NOISES! SOMETHING SOMETHING! NOTHING IS PRETTEY WHEN SOMETHING SOMETHING! I wonder what happens when you listen to this backwards. [One backwards song later.] Oh no! I'VE BECOME A SATAN WORSHIPPER!
[He starts hugging himself.]
The End