Okay I have to gush about this. I'm just... really freaking proud of it. I could not go to bed until it was finished. This is a song norodenn had sent me as part of the fanmix and I have been listening to it slowly the last few days. Finally, the writer in me wanted to use it in some fashion to write about Neviril. I had to find a way to use it. At first, I thought of using a fic to create a storyline based on the lyrics and then I thought of making it a song fic. I hadn't done one yet for Simoun. Then I realized that a song fic along would not convey what I wanted to so I instead decided to do a series of drabbles, all linked by the song lyrics. I'm really proud of the progress I've made with doing song fics in general as a writer since I started. I mean my first one, On My Father's Wings (written in '02, published '03), really truly was badly done. And today, in 2010, I can produce stuff like this. What you are about to read is the result of my work this evening.
Disclaimer: The song lyrics are not my own and are Within Temptation's. The song is Somewhere, which is where the title comes from. I highly recommend you go to youtube, find the song, and listen to it on repeat while you read this. It makes it all the more powerful.
Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart
She clutched at her arms, gripping tightly. Nothing could calm the intensity of the pain coursing through her veins. It felt as though her very soul had been ripped from her body, and then shoved back inside haphazardly. She could not numb the pain or fathom how to, but she knew that the Emerald had not gone as planned. Something was wrong, very wrong, and Tempus Spatium's wrath was being forced upon her.
Alone in the sky. She was so very alone. She wanted Amuria, desired Amuria, but the only screams she heard were her own. Nothing was returned from her shouted cries. No familiar voice called back to her. It was all a dream, a very horrible dream. She could hear the explosions in the distance, hear the gunfire from either side, but it might as well have been miles away for all she knew.
"Amuria! Amuria! Answer me…please… Amuria!" It sounded nothing like her. It was pure panic. Panic and desperation. It was as though nothing reached the sagitta cockpit, was never relayed. It only made it worse to picture the girl she had kissed moments before, to hear in her mind how sure she was that completing the Emerald would let them be free, would take them to a plane far beyond the realm in which they dwelled.
Sobs wracked Neviril's body. The knowledge of what she should be doing as a Sibylla with an injured or dead pair was in her head, but her heart shouted over it, creating a loud white noise inside her head. Her fingers shook as they reached for controls, her brain fighting to gain back control, but fighting a losing battle. Matters of the heart could always win over the body.
If she were to be shot down in that instance, it would make no difference to her. It would end the pain, and end the torture she was enduring. Deep inside, she knew something was very wrong, and it wasn't just the Emerald. She could not bring herself to pause and look; the Simoun was shaky as it was. Did it really matter though? If the Simoun were to fall from the sky, wouldn't that be Tempus Spatium's punishment? Not only had they attempted a forbidden Ri Majon, but they'd used the holy chariot to do so. They had sinned, and now they would pay for such disobedience.
Amuria… What has happened to you? Why don't you speak to me? Why am I in so much pain? She became lost in her thoughts, ignoring the speaker cables that attached to the Simoun. She could hear the voices of her fellow chor members calling to her, but their calls went unanswered. She heard the sadness in their voice, and knew then that what she felt in her heart was true. She wished for it to not be, for time to reverse. It was only to be a routine patrol mission… just a routine patrol so her father could show off to the Council, and yet, it had become this hellish hole for her, and she suffered alone. The strength she leaned upon and drew from simply had disappeared. Her heart told her it was so.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul
She found herself in the hangar, footsteps echoing against the polished floor. Moonlight lit the area, and she knew that she was alone. Another night, another nightmare, and she couldn't sleep after seeing those memories played over and over again, twisted and untrue. They started different, but always ended the same way- Amuria always died. She would awaken in a cold sweat, only to break down sobbing. She could not go on like this, could not survive this torment. Now, as before, she wished she was dead. Perhaps if she were dead, it'd all end. It would leave her alone once and for all.
Her feet wandered, knowing where to take her, where she'd end up. Her eyes settled upon the wrecked craft. It had sat here ever since her Simoun had been guided back to the flight deck and then later transferred to the Arcus Prima. Parts of it lay upon the floor, twisted and broken. The pieces could no longer function, and she felt as though they were just like her. She would only do what was necessary and expected of her during the day, but her heart was not in it. She could not bring herself to enjoy her task as she once had. Her wings had been ripped from her and she could no longer fly or find any joy in the sky.
"Sibylla Aurea… please…you should not see this…" called a gentle voice. From the shadows emerged Wapourif, stifling a yawn.
Neviril made no motion to answer him. Instead, she moved closer to the holy craft, running her fingers lightly across the cool metal.
"Sibylla Aurea, let me take you away from here—"
"I see you've been dismantling the Simoun," spoke Neviril softly. It was as though she hadn't heard Wapourif's offer.
"I… Yes, we're working to repair it so that it may grace the skies again," explained Wapourif. "It's a slow process, but I promise you it'll fly again."
"And what of the sagitta cockpit?"
Hesitating, Wapourif took a deep breath. It wasn't the message he wanted to relay to her, of all people. She had already suffered enough and he could not even explain the phenomena himself. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before. "Well… we…" He paused, and noticed that Neviril focused solely on him, waiting for his answer, the one he dreaded giving. "I'm sorry to say this, Sibylla Aurea, but we could find nothing, not a trace of her. It is as though… she has disappeared into thin air…"
He watched as she nodded to him, tears streaming down her face. He knew he could not say anything that would bring her any sense of comfort, and this pained him. "I am sorry… I will leave you now, unless you would like my assistance?" Neviril shook her head, as he figured she would. He turned, planning to retire to his quarters until dawn, which wasn't that far off.
Neviril waited, until she was certain that he was out of earshot. Then she fell to her knees, sobbing. There had been nothing, not a scrap of clothing, not a hair. If there had been anything, Wapourif would have told her. She was certain he would never lie. She could not understand… why was there nothing?
Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are
In her room, she was safe from the world, safe from seeing the others, and letting them see that had fallen far from who they expected her to be, the one they revered. She sat on her bed, staring out the window, looking into the clear blue sky. In the distance, she heard a group of Simoun take off, knowing it was Chor Rubor once more. Not Chor Tempest.
A knock at her door drew her from her daze. She looked to it, wondering who would be knocking. Surely they knew to leave her alone. The knocking persisted, and she sighed. "Come in." She watched her guest enter.
"Sibylla Neviril, I must speak with you," stated Guragief softly. "This is not easy for me to do, please understand." He gave her a pained look. He could never understand the grief she was going through, or expect to, but he knew that his news would do nothing to ease it.
"What is it?" asked Neviril, noting the concern. She felt the ache in her stomach return.
"It seems as though the Council does not deem it appropriate to hold a funeral for Sibylla Amuria's passing. They state that since there was no trace of her body in the Simoun, that Tempus Spatium has already claimed her."
"How can they… how can they do that?" A quiet rage swept through her body, and she shook. Her pair had given her life on that mission. Surely the Council had noted her actions and her sacrifice.
Guragief rested a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "I tried to convince them otherwise, but they deemed it unnecessary. The High Priestess has agreed, stating that we should not mess with the will of Tempus Spatium." He sighed. "I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but you must understand. I'm afraid nothing more can be done. They were firm in their decision."
Neviril looked up at him, tears in her eyes. Guragief had never seen her so vulnerable, never like this. "This is not… surely it is not Tempus Spatium's will…" She opened her mouth to continue speaking, but all that escaped was a sob. She fell against Guragief, her fingers grasping at his uniform.
He felt awkward being in this position, but he tried his best to bring her some comfort. His arms awkwardly hugged her, letting her cry out her grief. He vowed to keep this moment between the two of them, to keep Neviril's pain from become more public than it already was. Her tears soaked the fabric, and he was reminded of a particular instance long ago. Like her, he too had felt the despair she was feeling.
Eventually her sobs quieted, leaving her sniffling. She looked up at him, her eyes rimmed red and a face to match. Guragief knew that she was not empty of her grief, but that she simply had no more tears in her at the moment. "Perhaps you should lie down and rest," he suggested. "It might help—"
"Help? It won't help! Nothing helps! Whether I'm awake or asleep, I can't escape seeing her. I—" Neviril realized what she was doing and flushed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Dux. I did not mean to yell at you," she whispered.
Guragief guided her toward her bed. "It's fine, really, but I think you should lie down. If nothing else, you can regain some of your energy." He turned to leave the room, but looked back. "No matter what the Council says, Neviril, listen to what your heart says about her. Tempus Spatium will show you the truth."
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
She had looked up at the High Priestess, eagerness in her eyes. To hear that Amuria might still be alive in some other era of time had set her heart beating fast. Up until that very point, she had believe Amuria to have been dead, to have been taken by Tempus Spatium, body and soul. She had believed what Guragief had told her. Listen to your heart… echoed over and over in her mind. Her heart was glad to hear this tiding of news.
That night, as she lay in her bed, she reflected on what she had heard, and what she had been told that day. It had changed her thinking on Amuria. She could be alive somewhere. Perhaps she had wanted to return to the time from which she came, but had never been able to make it back without a Simoun. Wherever she was, there might not be a Simoun to be found.
Neviril rolled over, facing the wall. An image of Amuria floated to the top of her memory. She played her favorite memories over and over again. Their first meeting. The day that Amuria gave her the hairclip, the token that symbolized the start of their romantic relationship. The first day that Amuria kissed her that was not for the purpose of prayer. She flushed as she recalled more intimate times. The reel ended with that fateful day, that final passionate kiss before beginning the Emerald Ri Majon.
Had they really been ready to perform such a holy Ri Majon? She wasn't so sure anymore. She had no reasoning for it, but if Amuria lived on in another pocket of time, then perhaps she had been ready, but Neviril had not. Perhaps Tempus Spatium had not been punishing the pair, but simply allowing the one that was ready to transcend time and space to pass on, while leaving the one that was not ready behind.
Why had she not been ready? What had been wrong with her, that she was meant to stay behind, keeping the Simoun? And by keeping the Simoun with Neviril, had Amuria been punished for performing the forbidden Ri Majon sooner than she was supposed to? There were too many possibilities to consider, too many theories to create. Right and wrong bounced around in her head, but things couldn't be so black and white. Nothing was ever black and white, for the lines always blurred at some point.
She did believe that Amuria must be out there somewhere. If Aaeru truly wanted to open that door to a new world, she would go with her. She did long to find Amuria, to find out what had really happened to the girl. It couldn't just stop with her body disappearing from the Simoun as it had been twisted. It couldn't just be Tempus Spatium calling her home. There was something more, some truth she did not know as she was in this plane of time and space. Perhaps she was meant to find the truth in some unknown era and world?
Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go
The street was crowded and noisy. People bustled past, often pushing or shoving to get through the throng if someone moved much too slow. The two of them often were shoved, moving slower as they marveled at this location, at the technology, and the sheer amount of everything that seemed to be all in one location.
"Neviril… this is crazy… what are we looking for?" asked Aaeru.
"Some place where we might look up records or history. We need to figure out where we are."
"As long as it gets us off the—" she was cut off when a much taller man in a suit pushed her out of the way. "Hey watch it, jerk!" she yelled toward him. He did not turn around, and gave her no reply. "Sheesh, people here are so rude." She caught up to Neviril, who was a few steps ahead of her in the crowd. She took Neviril's hand, not wanting to be separated again.
The two of them came to the edge of the walk, and stood with other people. Vehicles they had never seen moved back and forth while people waited on either side. Neviril watched as a light changed to green, and then saw the others moving. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a familiar shade of lavender. Her head turned. It can't be…
"Neviril? Neviril? Come on, Neviril," called Aaeru, trying to get her to cross the busy street, as groups of people moved around them, muttering insults. Aaeru made faces at them as they passed.
Neviril wasn't listening though. She was too focused on the person in the distance, the one that looked familiar. She took off, pulling Aaeru along with her across the street. She would not lose this chance, not now. She may never have it again.
"Where are you going, Neviril? Slow down!"
Closer and closer they came. She weaved in and out of the groups of people, always keeping her eyes on that lavender head. When they were close enough, she spoke. "Amuria! Amuria!" There was no reply, but this did not daunt her. Perhaps Amuria had not heard her. Perhaps it was much too noisy. Perhaps—
She tapped the person on the arm as she finally caught up. "Amuria?" she called. "It's me—" Before she could say her own name, the person turned. One glimpse at the woman's face told her it wasn't Amuria. Her heart sank. She was back to square one again. She watched as the woman glared and then walked away.
"Neviril?" called Aaeru softly.
"Yes, Aaeru?" Neviril didn't feel much like looking for records anymore. She had lost her energy.
Aaeru squeezed her hand. "Come on, Neviril." Aaeru was used to this sort of incident happening. On any of the worlds where the hair color varied, Neviril would often find an Amuria look alike. At first, she had been jealous of Neviril's attention on these strangers, but she had come to realize that Neviril was searching for an answer she had never truly found.
Neviril let Aaeru lead her to a park. They sat together on a bench, no words between them. Neviril rested her head on Aaeru's shoulder, eyes closed, as Aaeru played her music box. The simple tune calmed her as she whispered a soft prayer to Tempus Spatium.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
Another world and another chance. The location wasn't familiar to her so perhaps she could find her answer here. She felt as though Tempus Spatium was allowing her to get closer to discovering the truth, but that she still had a ways to go.
"Ready?" asked Aaeru, helping her down from the Simoun and smiling.
"Yes. Let's see what we can find out about this world, Aaeru."
The two walked along the dirt path, holding hands. They listened to their surroundings, unsure of where the road would lead them. It seemed as though it might perhaps lead them to a village or town of some kind if they traveled far enough.
"Do you think you'll find Amuria here?" asked Aaeru quietly.
"I'm not sure. I believe she's out there somewhere, Aaeru. Someday we'll find the real one, and not a look alike." She smiled at the thought of accomplishing this task and looked to Aaeru, whose eyes were focused on the ground. She noticed the look on her face, a cross between sad and anger. Neviril knew that Aaeru thought she wouldn't see it.
"Aaeru… you now that I need to the answer to this, right?" They had looked for Amuria many times, and Aaeru had never shown this reaction to it. Neviril had always believed her to be understanding of the matter.
"I do, Neviril. I know you want to know what happened to her. You just seem too focused on it sometimes. I think you forget about me then."
Neviril stopped, and Aaeru soon stopped. The two faced each other. "Aaeru, I could never forget you."
"I think you do when you speak of Amuria. I try to keep quiet, but Neviril… it hurts my heart." Aaeru raised her right hand and touched that area over her chest, as though proving a point.
Neviril closed the gap between the two of them. She used her hand to tilt Aaeru's chin up and looked down at her lovingly. "Aaeru, your support means more to me than I can express. You stand by my side every time I speak of her, or see someone who looks just like her. You help me relax when I'm upset each time I realize it's not Amuria." She paused, tilting her head. "All of that, everything you do, shows me your love for me. And I love you for it. Amuria… she was my first love, but you are my only love, the one I truly give my heart to."
Aaeru looked toward the ground, face flushing from the sentiment. "I guess… it's just hard to see that sometimes, Neviril."
"I'm sorry, Aaeru. I never meant to make you feel that way." She leaned over and kissed her, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. She broke it a few moments later. "It means everything to me that you're helping me with this, and staying by my side. Thank you for having faith in me."
Nodding, Aaeru replied, "I think I understand. I'm sorry, Neviril. I shouldn't have doubted you."
"It's all right. Someday I'll find my answer, and it'll be you that I confide to about it. The day that Tempus Spatium leads me to Amuria is the day my soul will rest at ease, for I'll finally know what happened to her."
Aaeru smiled. "Then let's go see if maybe this world is the one we're looking for."
"Yes, let's."