Authors note: This is a comedy about what would happen if the Enterprise crew somehow got mixed up with the fellowship of the ring. This is a comedy, and it is not meant to be taken seriously.

End of notes (for now)

It was one of those typical days on the Enterprise, you know the kind when anything could happen and nobody seems to expect it (don't ask me why)? Well, it was one of those.

Chekov and Sulu were in the gym. Sulu was practicing fencing, and Chekov was watching him.

Chekov sighed. 'Sulu, seriously, what good will fencing ever do you?'

Sulu swished the sword through the air with a grin. 'You'd be surprised.'

The intercom whistled.

Sulu punched it on. 'Sulu here.'

'This is the captain speaking, Sulu, Chekov, meet us in the transporter room on the double,' Kirk snapped.

Kirk smiled. He loved bossing his crew around, throwing in unnecessary phrases like 'on the double' to make them jump and fret was great fun. Their mission was actually another boring routine once-over. There was nothing special about the blasted planet.

'Yes, sir!' Sulu answered quickly. 'We'll be there.' He punched the intercom off and turned to Chekov. 'This could be important!'

'It's probably just another boring routine once-over,' Chekov mumbled.

'C'mon, Chekov, he said 'on the double', so it must be important.'

Kirk chuckled evilly to himself. There had been a delicious sense of urgency in Sulu's voice.

Spock walked in. He gave his captain a critical look. 'What is so terribly amusing, Captain?'

'Nothing, Spock.' Spock never did understand what was funny.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him. 'Of course, sir. Where is everyone else?'

McCoy walked in grumbling. 'Jim?'

'Yes, Bones?'

'Do I really have to beam down?'

'Yes, Bones.'

McCoy glared at the transporter pad.

Uhura sauntered in. 'Hello, everyone, who's ready for beam-down?'

Kirk looked at her skeptically. 'You weren't in the beam down list!'

'Pardon?' said Uhura, skipping onto the pad. 'Who else isn't here yet?'

Kirk sighed. Today wasn't one of his good days, so he let it go.

Uhura beamed triumphantly.

Sulu rushed in followed by a trudging Chekov.

Now, why Kirk is always annoyed by Sulu (even for no good reason) is a bit below me, but he is. So even when Sulu dashed in, ready for action and Chekov trudged in, ready to complain, he decided to pick on Sulu.

Kirk glared at Sulu. 'There is to be no running on my ship!'

Sulu stopped short. 'But…'

'No 'but's', Sulu. There is to be no running on this ship. Do I make myself clear?' Another one of Kirk's favorite unnecessary phrases.

'Yes, sir.'

'Keptin, why do we have to beam down?'

Chekov has always had a fondness for asking obvious questions.

'To study the planet, Ensign, that's why.'

'Well, that's everyone, Captain,' said Scotty. 'Can we go now?'

'Yes, fine. Let's go.' Kirk glared at Uhura, but still didn't complain.

'I was not aware that Lieutenant Uhura was on the list of personnel to transport down,' said Spock.

'A careless oversight,' said Kirk.

'On your part, Captain?'

Kirk glared at his first officer. 'No, on hers.'

'Captain, Miss Uhura is not responsible for…'

Kirk cut him off, 'Spock, we need to beam-down. Now, on the transporter pad on the double!'

Spock obliged him.

Elrond sighed. Was this a council or a tell-your-best-sob-story contest? If it were a contest, Boromir and Aragorn were tying for the lead.

'Gondor has been fighting this war for years,' Boromir was saying, 'if it weren't for Gondor you'd all be dead. Who was it that held back Sauron while you all just stayed in your hidden kingdoms? Gondor. And who is it that is going to bear the brunt of this war against Sauron? Gondor. And –'

'Wait a minute,' said Aragorn, 'I've had my troubles too.'

Boromir huffed, irritated by the interruption. 'And who are you exactly?'

'He is Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur's heir,' Elrond said dryly.

'He doesn't look much like a king,' Boromir said, studying the weather beaten ranger.

Aragorn returned his gaze with a piercing one of his own. 'Well, I am not Isildur just his heir. I've had a hard life. The journey between here and Gondor is just a small part of my wandering. I've been through fields and over mountains, swam against rough rivers, beaten back armies of orcs single handedly. It's no wonder I don't look as handsome as you.'

Elrond opened his mouth to return the council to matters at hand, but Aragon wasn't finished yet.

'Lonely men are we, Rangers of the wild-hunters of the enemy, which is not found in Mordor alone. Though I do have to go there sometimes like just recently I had to go search for a miserable wretch called Gollum. I finally caught him the Dead Marshes, a terrible place if you ask anyone. Anyway I then took him to Mirkwood, and he's safely secured in the wood elves dungeon.'

Aragorn leaned back in chair looking like he had accomplished something.

'Alas!' cried Legolas, 'Gollum has escaped.'

'What?' Aragorn jumped up. 'You mean I went through all that trouble and you let him escape?'

'You don't know what it was like guarding that thing. He howled all the time-all night and all day.' The Elf shuddered.

'So you let him escape?'

'No, of course, not. Gandalf told to keep him, so we did, though we hated it. To keep him from crying out all the time, we would take him on walks and let him climb trees. He said he needed to feel open air, but one day he wouldn't come down. We stayed and guarded him, but then some Orcs attacked us and he escaped in the confusion.'

'Well,' Frodo began, but he was interrupted as seven strangers suddenly materialized.

'Excuse me,' Elrond said, 'This is suppose to be a privatecouncil.'

'Sorry about that,' Kirk apologized, 'We had no idea this planet was inhabited. I'm Captain James T. Kirk, by the way. Who are you?'

'I'm Elrond,' Elrond said gloomily, 'and this is my council.'

Kirk took an empty seat beside Boromir and pulled Spock onto his lap. 'Oh, so what are you talking about?'

'Captain, what about the Prime Directive?'

'What Prime Directive?' Kirk yawned.

Spock looked at him critically. 'The one that says that we aren't suppose to –'

'Wow,' McCoy interrupted, 'This place is beautiful. What do you call it?'

Elrond stared with a downcast expression at the sunny glen. 'Imladris or Rivendell take your pick.'

'So,' Chekov said, 'What are we all doing here?'

'I don't what you are doing here,' said Frodo, 'but I came here, because they had to decide what to do with my ring.'

'Shut up, Frodo!' said Gandalf.

'What ring?'

'Um, nothing,' Frodo mumbled.

'Now, as I was saying, this is a private council,' Elrond said.

'But we want to help. We like helping people,' Kirk said.

'Well,' said Aragorn, 'We have to take this little ring across a wild land chased by all sorts of evils without much hope of success and try to throw it into a volcano in order to save the world. That's pretty much it.'

'Sounds like something we do,' Kirk said unimpressed.

Boromir shook his head. 'We don't need to destroy it, we should try to –'

'Shut up, Boromir!' snapped Gandalf.

Chekov's face scrunched up. 'A wolcano? But why?'

'Because that is where it was made, only in Mount Doom can the ring be undone,' said Elrond. 'And you aren't supposed to know about any of this anyway.'

'That's bloody nonsense!' Scotty said, looking at the ring. 'I could blast it to nothing with my phaser in two seconds flat!'

Elrond and Spock both raised their eyebrows at the fiery, Scottish engineer. Scotty jerked out his phaser and aimed it at the ring on the table. He pushed the button, but nothing happened. Scotty played around with his weapon for awhile then shrugged and shook his head despairingly.

'What's wrong, Scotty?' Kirk asked, stepping towards him.

'My phaser, it's dead, captain.'

'I should have known,' Kirk said, 'They always seem to do that at the most inconvenient moments. Uhura, check your communicator.'

'I already did, sir. It's dead too.'

'Which means,' Kirk said, 'That we are stuck here.'

'Wonderful,' Elrond moaned.