Author's Note: Don't ask and I won't tell. It's simple, actually, this one-shot is inspired by a quote. It's completely random, a parody, and Sasuke is OOC. I'm going to say it again. Sasuke is OOC. As in OUT OF CHARACTER. Kay? So don't nag me because I'm saying it now. Don't like it, don't read it. It's all in Sasuke's point of view too, so enjoy this random batch of humor. Sasuke x Naruto, Kakashi x Iruka, Shikamaru x Ino implications. There is some bashing, but only because Sasuke's ranting.

Warning: Shonen-ai implications, OOC characters, some bashing.

Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

I'm king of the castle and you're a dirty dog pile.

King of the World
by Mint Pizza Queen

This world shall be mine. Everything and everyone, all mine. Things will go my way, laws will be changed, and I shall have unlimited gladiator fights with a fight to the death, and the victor shall be eaten by lions. Why gladiators? Because I said so. I'll be the ruler around here, so what I say goes.

I shall be pampered by my rivals. They attempt to hurt me, and I'll whip them. Oh yeah, food tasters wouldn't hurt to have. Can never be too careful about those futile attempts to poison me by those peasants.

I will have those blasted fangirls locked up tight, and maybe torture them a bit. Yes, torturing is fun. Torturing is gooooood. I may even take two of them a day, hang them by their ankles, and make them battle each other! What evil glee.

Ah, yes, I could even brainwash them and sick them on that useless Hyuuga, Neji. Stupid Neji, thinking he's better than me. The fangirls will be his downfall!

Bushy Brows—oh what plans I have in store for him. He shall have a makeover. Anyone that scary cannot stay alive, although he doesn't have a good spirit, I'll spare him. He shall have a makeover, and be my first hand servant. The eyebrows must be done. Definitely. The bowl shaped hair? Someone cut it. Please. Wait, why am I saying please? As ruler, it'll be done or someone will die.

Ah yes, can't forget Panda Eyes. Destroy all the mascara that this world offers. Wait, it's natural? Give him some of that cover-up stuff. Or make him wear a paper bag. It'll match his outfit.

Oh, the teachers, can't forget them.

Kakashi will be forced to give me all his Icha Icha Paradise books. I must have them to see just what makes this guy tick!

And Jiraiya, he will write more! More! He will have various series' of Icha Icha Paradise—yaoi, yuri, threesomes, foursomes, I want variety! Hey, I would like to entertain myself with something other than destruction, chaos, and torture you know.

Gai—oh dear God, he shall have a makeover like Lee. Definitely a new outfit for both of them, because really, spandex? Spandex will not exist in my world. Never. End of story.

Ah, that Iruka. He's nice already. Not much to be done with him. I suppose I could be nice to him. Maybe. If I feel like it.

Okay, he can have a nice house with anything he wants, free of charge. Also, he'll have a free all-you-can-eat coupon each week for that fancy restaurant he likes to eat at so much. I'll also throw in one forced Kakashi that'll take him on dates. Although, now that I think about it, I don't think I'll have to do much forcing there.

Hm, oh! Some more of those genins! Sakura. That pink hair must go. Really, I'll have a law that bans all pink hair, clothing, and houses. Flowers can be pink. The sky too. Because it's pretty and really, does anyone think I can make nature stop its pinkness? No.

Tell anyone I said pretty and I'll kill thee.

That dog boy, Kiba, will be forced to bathe twice daily. It's ridiculous how a person like him smells just like a dog. I know, I know, he's probably part dog anyway, but come on! I've met dogs that smelled better!

Moving on...

Shikamaru will be forced to work. A lot. Lazy ninja. He will do most of the work. Muwahah. Oh yeah, and I'll set him and Ino up so he keeps that blasted blonde out of my hair. Heh, two birds with one stone. Perfect.

Chouji will go on a diet. He will follow a strict diet and no junk food for him. Especially chips. They'll be mine. Hm, I wonder what other goodies he has.

Speaking of food, all sweets will be burned! No sweets shall remain because I just don't like them. No more sugary foods! No more upset stomachs! No more plump children! No more tooth decay! Ah, yes.

Back to my victims.

Hinata shall go to a confidence booster school. Really, no one can stay that shy and be allowed to work in my place. Ever. Speech therapy perhaps? Maybe her stuttering will disappear as she gets confident. Yes, that'll do. Heh, I could use that girl to find valuable information on her bastard cousin. I like it!

Tenten. Hm, not much with her. She's not an obsessed fangirl, and she takes her work seriously. She's smart, skillful, she'll be perfect for training my army! Yes, yes, perfect.

That bug guy, Shino was it? Hey! I can test my theory on him. If I use bug spray on him, will it kill him or the bugs or both, or will it actually cause him to revive them from the dead? Sweet. But otherwise, he's cool. I guess as cool as a guy without eyeballs can get.

The Hokage must go. Tsunade, she'll be easy to deal with. Give her a wad of cash to gamble with and an endless line of drinks and she'll be fine. Just keep the booze and cash coming and even eventually she won't remember what the hell "Hokage" is.

The more I think about ruling the world, the more I think of how much work I'll have to do to get what I want. All good things come through hard work I suppose. If you want to call being a dictator good, that is.

Now about Orochimaru and Kabuto, those pansies. Both shall be tortured and killed. Especially Orochimaru. Creepy snake-tongued bastard.

Now, for the pièce de resistance. My dear, awful, betraying, hateful, stinky, ugly, brother! I hate you Itachi! I will have you hunted down, and tortured! Oh yes, tortured.

Your nails, those purple nails of yours, shall be ripped off. All of them. Your hair will be plucked. Your eyebrows shaved off. No, waxed off! And you'll be stripped down to your non-existent underwear and whipped! Whipped, I say, whipped! Then stabbed. A lot. Because I hate you. Maybe I'll stick you in a room with fangirls. Yes, that'll work.

But really, I hate you. I hate your for murdering everyone in our clan, except me and yourself of course. Jackass. Leaving me to revive the clan, how dare you! I can't revive the clan cause I'm a guy, and last I checked guys can't make babies. Don't even talk to me about some screwed up Jutsu that makes you asexual cause I really don't want to hear it.

Now, because I'm that much of an awesome plotter, I saved the very best for last. Naruto.

One word will sum it all up: MINE.

Yes, mine. Naruto shall be mine. His spiky blond hair? Mine. His tan skin? Mine. His whiskered face? Mine. His blue eyes? Mine. Those cute toes too, and that adorable nose. Yes, I said adorable, bite me. But, not literally you know.

Moving on...

I will have him in my sights at all times. No one can touch him except me! My hands! Me! I will have "Property of Uchiha Sasuke" stamped on his forehead and every pair of pants (and boxers) will read the same. Because when I rule the world, he will be mine! Not yours, not his, not hers, not theirs, mine. MINE MINE MINE!...

"Erm, Sasuke? Why are you cackling?"

Eh, what? Oh damnit. I was plotting aloud again it seems. But don't worry, Naruto-kun. Nothing can have you. Just me. Me-me-me.

"Sasuke, what's wrong with you?"

"Just a little fixated on ruling the world, that's all."

Someday, I will be king of the world! Just...not right now.

Must proceed with plottage.

-End-