Episode XVIII: Bartie the Vampire Slayer
[Bart, Gena, and Charlie are at a bar at Malastare.]
Charlie: Say, where's Nelson?
Bart: I think he and TR went Nexu hunting after dark.
Charlie: They're gonna die. I just know it.
Gena: Say, why is it whenever we think someone dies, we just act like they're still alive?
Bart: 'Cause we always know they'll return safe and sound and act just like when we last saw them.
[TR runs in.]
TR: STAY OUTTA THE WOODS! STAY OUTTA WOODS!
Bart: See what I mean?
TR: STAY OUTTA THE WOODS! STAY OUTTA THE WOODS! And also bartender, I'd like a Bantha.
Bartender: Diet or regular?
TR: Hmmm…Furry!
Bartender: No. Getting those things into a shot glass is a pain in the-
Bart: TR, where's Nelson?
TR: We were out Nexu hunting. Then a bunch of what seemed to be werewolves came out and attacked us. They turned back to human and they turned out to be vampires.
Bart: But what happened to Nelson?
TR: I don't know. I told him to run. We both ran in different directions. It was every man for himself. I don't think he's coming back.
Bart: Well I'm not tolerating this. I should call the Vampire Exterminators.
TR: But we're already bounty hunters.
Bart: But you're bad at killing vampires.
[5 hours later…Bart, Charlie, Gena, TR, and the Vampire Exterminators (VEs) are wandering the woods.]
VE #1: So where exactly did you see the vampires?
TR: Near that cave.
VE #2: I know that place. That's where vampires live.
Bart: So how do we "flush" the vampire bats out of the cave?
TR: Not let them "flush" and have the smell drive them out?
VE #2: It is said that vampires can smell fear. We need a scared defenseless person to go in there as bait.
TR: Wouldn't it be easier to use a flamethrower? Or at least fire hydrants shooting holy water and give them a hydrophobia-inducing potion?
Bart: Someone's been playing Super Scribblenauts.
TR: Playing what?
VE #1: Seriously, holy water can't kill a vampire. They just hate that stuff.
VE #2: Now, who's willing to go in there as live bait? [Looks at the rest. Points to Charlie.] Aha! You are the lucky guy…!
[Charlie takes out a shotgun.]
VE #2: Ok, the British girl.
Gena: May I borrow your shotgun?
Bart: C'mon. Think of how brave you'll feel. If you do it, I promise I'll take you out tonight.
Gena: Why am I still not in the mood?
[Slowly enters the cave.]
Bart: Don't worry. I'll be right behind you.
VE #2: No, no, no. She needs to go in unprotected. Ditto if she does turn into a vampire. That means it's easier to study them up close.
[Gena enters the cave. A strange dark figure appears. Gena screams.]
Bart: Enough of this! [Uses the Force to bring a big rock over the cave as Gena runs out.] There. Vampire problem solved.
[Gena runs to Bart.]
VE #2: Good. They'll still find a way out of there.
Bart: Well, I still don't think it's a good idea to do this to an innocent person.
TR: I told you. I could handle it. I've heard Christian rock albums are like Justin Bieber albums to vampires.
Gena: My life is flashing before my eyes!
Bart: You're safe as long as I'm around.
Gena: Don't ever leave me, Bartie.
Bart: I'll be here until Christmas.
[Later that night.]
Jango Fett: So you want us to exterminate vampires? That won't be easy, but we'll do it. So what type is it? Demon? Zombie? Ol' Timey? Modern? Nosferatu?
VE #1: Err…I'd say all of the above.
VE #2: There's what we think a vampire hangout somewhere by the east compound. We also have a missing kid. His name is Nelson Muntz. He's been missing since last night.
VE #1: There was also a failure to lead them out. But what am I complaining? I do all the action. VE #2 is the brains here.
VE#2: Anyway, we have an idea. But this will require the girl doing something she doesn't like again.
Gena: It's alright. Using this book of spells, I've learned how to control fear. So I drained myself of fear, gave it to Bartie…
Bart: And then I killed it.
TR: So it's not just a flashback of Edgar in Kindergarten back when he was afraid to go to the zoo?
[Editor's note: I myself think of that as a horrible bit.]
Gena: I'm still kind of afraid, but I'll try.
Bart: That's the spirit. So what must you do?
VE #2: We need the girl to become a vampire. Then she will live amongst them and then kill them unexpectedly one by one with the holy water dagger hidden up my sleeve.
Gena: I'll do it. But I'd like a while to take some last breaths.
[Editor's Note: Forget the fact that she's already a vampire. So anyway, 5 hours later, she's a vampire. The VEs find all their secret hiding spots and they win a victory.]
Bart: We have a victory.
Gena: Yeah.
[VE #2 gives her a wooden stake and a mallet.]
Gena: What's this?
VE #2: Forgot to tell you. After the massacre, that's the hard part. After killing all the vampires, you must kill yourself, considering you're a vampire too.
Bart: Why didn't you tell us!
VE #2: Because if we did, you wouldn't do it.
Charlie: Why don't you just use a cure?
VE #2: Ah, forget this.
[Gets out a shotgun. Is busy putting in a shell.]
Gena: Bartie?
Bart: If you wanna kill an innocent vampire, you're gonna have to kill an innocent boy.
[Steps in front of Gena.]
VE #2: Suit yourself. [Points shotgun.] Oh, & just so you know, you WILL go to hell, too.
Bart: You're evil!
VE #1: Hey, we're just doing this for the money.
TR: Wait, before you do, at least let us enjoy one last hour with her.
VE #1: That'll be, like, another 5 dollars. We're not cheap.
TR: [Stops to think.] Sorry, guys.
[Bart and Gena are gone.]
VE #2: We're not packing 'till we're satisfied.
[Bart and Gena are running in the jungles of Malastare.]
Bart: We'll be safe here.
Gena: I don't wanna die!
Bart: Tell me, did you give them ALL of the secrets?
[5 minutes later. Gena knocks on a secret door.]
Vamp: Hey, who's the kid?
Gena: He's with me. I need to warn you all about something…
[Another 5 minutes later.]
Vamp: So there's 2 vampire exterminators coming with a group of bounty hunters, and you were that girl I bit 5 days ago and you're also a fugitive who doesn't wanna die?
Bart: Yes. And I'm one of the bounty hunters who quit.
And the girl is really just my psychostalker girlfriend.
Vamp: But where to?
Bart: How about we just fight back at those VEs?
Vamp: Whatever will move this plot forward.
Bart: Good. Now give me $500.
Vamp: What for?
Bart: It'll pay for that fourth wall you just broke.
[5 hours late, which seems to be the standard length of time for an undisclosed period, they capture the VEs and BHs.]
Vamp: Finally! Now we will take over this naïve little world!
Bart: Wait. I thought we were just doing this to live a peaceful life.
Vamp: Ok, first of all, we're only half dead. And second, we were only using you. To the LAAT Gunships we just stole! But it's mine, so don't destroy it, don't keyscratch it, don't touch it, don't breath on it, don't look at it…
Gena: Don't even feel its presence!
Bart: Gena, you're in this too?
Gena: I was just adding comedy. I was normally gonna say a curse word but then again that'll ruin the PG rating. It's normally PG-13 but this is the Parental Guidance version.
Bart: Can I have $5 dollars?
Gena: For lunch money?
Bart: No. It's for that fourth wall you just broke again.
Gena: Alright. They seem to be getting cheaper…
Bart: 's alright. They have a frequent buyer's discount.
Bart: Now to destroy those traitors! They deserve to die!
Gena: Hey, I *did* turn into one.
Bart: Yes, but you didn't betray the republic.
Gena: What do you mean, "Betray the republic"!
[Vampires attack the villages.]
TR: Well, I guess someone is in trouble.
Bart: Hey, at least I led them out of their ultimate hiding place.
VE #2: Exactly. I never meant to kill her. I just wanted to see if you forgot some places.
Gena: So you have an antidote?
VE #1: It's here. But it'll be $5.
Gena: Thanks…
[A vampire swoops down and grabs the bottle.]
Vamp: Sorry. But once you're a vampire, we can't let you turn back to normal…
[Nelson comes out and shoots the vamp.]
Bart: Nelson! You didn't die! Which… isn't good.
Nelson: Well, I have a spiky collar, so they can't suck my blood. And I met up with some rednecks who volunteered to show these guys how they do things in Texas. Yes. It's now a city in Malastare.
Charlie: Whoops. They're escaping.
Bart: They've joined the CIS.
[Back in Nemodia…]
Harvey: My vampire army has succeeded in destroying the cloning facility in Malastare. What is your next bidding, master?
Bob: My bidding? I want you to tell Bender to stop ramming the fleets into the (Bleep)ing asteroid fields!
The space slugs are getting too much cholesterol!
Harvey: Listen, the chosen one named Bart is too strong. We've already struck his weak spot. It's not enough. He's completely forgotten about it.
Bob: Really?
Harvey: Yeah. He even forgot who Rose is.
[Rose is still in her bedroom still crying.]
Bob: Can his weak spot still be struck?
Harvey: It'll be pretty hard. It's pretty invulnerable.
Bob: I don't care. Proceed immediately. And remember: The weak spot is always either glowing and pulsing or on the tongue/tail. I learned that from Zelda!
Alternate Ending:
Bart: So how do we "flush" the vampire bats out of the cave?
VE#1: I got it.
[They pump Justin Bieber music into the cave. Vampire screams are heard.]
VE#2: Mission accomplished
[Cheap ending, because we burned through our budget fixing the fourth walls. Hey, we just went bankrupt!]